Irrevocably Mine (Imagine Ink Book 3) (10 page)

Initiating a break only to take a breath, Dax spoke into the silence. “Captain America’s patriotic ass.”
Good
, she thought.
I want him off his game, too.
“Not that I’m not beyond thrilled at such an amazing greeting, but to what do I owe the pleasure?”

Stacy heard his words, which were cautious, but she also felt his hands, which were not. They tracked up and down her back until they cupped her ass and squeezed with a strength that held promise. Leaning her forehead on his and creating their own atmosphere gave her a sense of security. With that came another dose of hope, its tendrils embracing her as sure as Dax was.

Backing off just enough to look into his deep, silky eyes, she cupped his neck and let her thumbs pet his rich, dark beard. Peppering kisses around his tanned face, she spoke between pecks. “Because…I’ve decided…if it’s honestly what you want, then…I’m in it.”

Dax abruptly slid her down his body, pausing for a split second on his erection, and took her face into his massive hands once her feet were on solid ground. It felt as if he was staring straight into her soul, but she knew he was simply searching for truth. There was a wealth of emotion that sped across his angular face. The one that caught her off guard was…
sorrow
?

“Fuck me sideways.” The thought that raced across her mind first was his choice of words. Dax wasn’t liberal with the f-bombs, and there was an absence of hero reference, so he must be pretty damn emotional.

He leaned against her forehead and recreated that shared atmosphere. With eyes shut tight, he seemed to be poised between pain and pleasure. “Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear those words from you? It’s like the essence of who I am has been emaciated, starving for a crumb, and you just fed it a damn smorgasbord.” Dax pulled away just enough to look her in the eyes again.

Before he spoke, Stacy kissed him again. “I can see it in your eyes, Dax. Something’s troubling you. I don’t know if it’s me or maybe you’ve built this up to a point that it can never meet your expectations, or maybe I’m not…”

“No, damn it. It’s none of that. You are everything, will always be everything I could ever want in a partner. It’s just there’s so much we need to talk about before I let you make the decision to be a part of an
us
. The us will not just be me and you anymore, and as much as it’s ripping my heart from my chest, I can’t let you commit to a relationship with me without a long heart-to-heart first.”

Dax left her to pace and stroked his beard. He looked like a wounded animal and Stacy ached for him. His face was reading like a rapidly changing billboard. There was so much happiness being tainted by pain. Not something she wanted to see on his face, ever.

When her hand made contact with his massive shoulder, he spun quickly to face her, pulling slightly away as if burned by the touch. His size belied his fleet movements. To see a man the size of a Buick feeling so vulnerable was troubling. “Dax?”

“Stacy, doll, you don’t understand. They’ve finally found my Macy bug. This is the first real shot of bringing her home. I can’t ask you…”

D
ax was floored
and hurt by the things that crossed Stacy’s flawless face. A storm was brewing in those blue jean eyes of hers. Dax was both comforted and terrified at the same time. Stacy shoved him away and her hands flew to her hips, reminding him, once again, of how passionate she was in all pursuits and how sexy she was in her anger.

“That’s a helluva thing for you to say to me, Dax. Do you think I couldn’t love a child, your child? Or do you just think I’d be a bad influence?” With Dax’s stunned silence, Stacy had no problem continuing, “Maybe I say fuck too much, well…”

When Stacy bent to collect her keys that were dropped with their encounter, Dax knew he had to shake off the temporary mutism he was afflicted with. She was actually running from her own house to get away from the pain her interpretation of his words had caused.

“I think I am one fan-fucking-tastic female influence. Be that as a mother, a stepmother, or just a mentor or friend. But since you do not seem to see the fucking gem that I am, you can show yourself out.” With her righteous indignation wrapped around her like a cape, Stacy made to flounce through the front door in a huff.

Dax knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was only her hurt causing her to flee. She never backed down from a fight, and she damn sure didn’t let a man get under her skin or inflict pain. Stacy had made herself vulnerable, and as much as she was pissed at Dax, he would bet dollars to donuts she was more pissed at herself for letting him in. Stacy’s pain was a living, breathing thing. It was carving up his heart as sure as it was hers. Dax caught her arm as she passed. In her attempts to wrench it free, his grip became bruising. As much as he hated hurting her, he could not let her leave. If she did, she would shut down for good where he was concerned and he would never have access to her heart again.

“Wait, damn it. Stop running.” Dax allowed her to pull free; he couldn’t cause her any more pain. Crossing her arms under her breasts, she adopted that air of superiority and distance and drew Dax’s attention to the missing prosthetic he was used to seeing.
Oh shit, I’m in trouble now.
“Would you just stop for a minute and let me finish and clarify, then you can run away from me and all the feelings you’re afraid of if that’s what your heart desires. Just give me a minute, okay?”

“Fine, you have sixty seconds, but for the record, I am not running from anything, I’m simply relocating to a place where you are not. And for your information, I am not scared of anything, especially feelings, I’m just smart enough to pull the plug when the water has served its purpose.”

Ouch. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that was Counselor Roberts’ closing argument. How in the hell am I going to get through to her without saying the one word that will most definitely make her ‘relocate?’

“Will you step back into the house, please? I feel like I’m talking to someone who just rang the bell to tell me the good news of Jesus Christ.”

Stacy glanced down at her bare wrist. “Forty five seconds, big guy, you’re wasting time.” She tapped her foot, raised her eyebrow and pursed her lips. If he weren’t seconds away from losing her, he’d be fucking her against the wall as sexy as she was looking.

“Fine, rushed version it is. That’s not what I meant, and I think deep down, you know it. You’re scared as hell and looking to bolt before you’re in too deep. But I’ve got news for you, my goddess, you already are and that’s why you are looking for any excuse to cut and run.” Dax moved closer and when Stacy’s mouth poised to respond, he dropped a finger on her thick lips. “Uh-uh, it’s my sixty seconds, you do not get to talk until I’ve said my piece.”

Dax removed his finger and with a quick kiss, continued, “When you’re a hammer, everything looks like a nail and right now, that’s where you’re at. I only meant that I have secrets and important information that should be divulged before you choose to commit to me, to us. You know, full disclosure and all that. With Macy coming home a real possibility, that needs to be a factor in your decision, along with other things.” Telling her about Macy would be a cakewalk compared to the folder out in his bike. “There are some other things we need to…”

“You’re right, Dax.”

“Excuse me?” Dax wiggled a finger in his ear, unsure if he heard her correctly. She was a smart and reasonable lady, but was she really going to make this easy on him?

Stacy moved forward enough to shut the door and toss her keys on the table. Pacing for a moment, she stopped on the other side of Dax. “You’re one hundred percent right, Dax. About me, about…everything…We do need to talk, disclosure is a two-way street. There are things you should know, too. And deep down, I know that’s not what you meant, where your daughter’s concerned.” She cut her eyes at him in that irresistibly snarky way, before looking away again. “I was just looking for nails. I’m going to say something to you I have never said out loud before, and if you tell anyone, I swear to God, I will stab you thirty seven times and dump your body in the Pea River.”

When she looked to him for confirmation, he knew she had opened herself, and if he screwed up now, it would be dire. “Noted.”

“I am scared, Dax. Scared as fuck. Scared of you, scared of Macy, scared of the Reids, scared of…just scared. Scared of what all those people make me feel, especially you. I don’t do relationships, because I suck big green donkey balls at it. And I don’t like to suck at things, so attachments scare me. I hate sucking.”

Dax was sure there was something else she decided to withhold but masked it as a pause. He didn’t question her, he was damn sure not ready to push his luck. Not with her so exposed. He went for crass humor instead. “Please don’t say that, sweetheart.” A crotch adjustment and eyebrow wiggles left no room for missing his point. And when she laughed, his world spun on its axis.

Stacy closed the distance between them and rested her palms on his chest before looking into his eyes. “Oh, not that. That’s the only sucking I don’t hate, as a matter a fact, I don’t suck at it, but I do suck. Quite expertly, in fact.”

A groan cut off her words and it wasn’t until Dax had his tongue down her throat that he realized it was him who’d made the sound. Ending the kiss, Dax leaned his forehead to hers. “You don’t suck at relationships, Stacy, you don’t suck at all.”

“Then why have I failed at every one I ever tried?”

Shifting his hands to her cheeks, which for the first time he realized were damp, he stared into the blue that had become his favorite shade in the world and imparted as much sincerity into his words as humanly possible, “Because they were wrong for you. They sucked for you because they weren’t me. They weren’t for you, Stacy. I am.”

“Even with everything you know about me, you really still want to give this a shot? Why?”

Here goes nothing. Knowing he could be effectively chasing her away, full disclosure started now. “Because you are mine, you were always meant to be mine…and I love you.”

The word hung in the air like a nuclear cloud after it mushroomed, but before it started to disperse. Any minute now, their relationship would be vaporized by it, rendering his heart uninhabitable for anyone else. Dax dropped his hands as time marched on. He would leave now—leave her, leave any future they had, leave everything that he could’ve had—abandon it here in her entryway, taking the poison with him so she could go on without him. Dax nodded once and stepped around her toward the door.
Damn it, I knew that was the one word she wasn’t ready for.

The blast of unseasonal cold hit him when he broke the seal of the door.
When did that happen?
It was hot as Hell this time of year, and just two minutes ago, it was stifling. Dax realized then that the external temperature no longer held sway over his body. The cold was radiating from him.

Each step across her wood, plank porch was a bullet to the chest, the ricochet of his boots the report. By the time he reached the first step, he was a shell, a hull…a wraith. At least he left it all on the field, isn’t that what they say when a team loses to make them feel better? Well, he didn’t feel better. He never would again.

W
hat the fuck
? He loves me? Me?
She was nowhere near ready to say it back. Not because she didn’t feel it, she most certainly did, but she couldn’t voice it. There were too many firsts for one night. Stacy was overwhelmed with everything that went down in the last twenty-four hours. The words may not come verbally, but she damn sure could show him.

But, he’s leaving; he’s walking out of our life. Stop him.

That was officially the moment her inner voices spoke in unison before merging for good. No more keeping parts of Stacy separate, they were all her, and she finally embraced them. It took Dax walking out on her, loving her, to finally realize she could be all those things her voices represented. They could exist in harmony. For so long, she thought they were mutually exclusive. A kick ass lawyer couldn’t be mushy. A cancer survivor couldn’t be sexy. An independent woman couldn’t need a man. But in that moment, she realized none of that was true. She could be all those things and more. Stacy Olivia Roberts could be everything—for herself, and for Dax.