Irresistible Forces (28 page)

Chapter 18

W
HEN
STEVE FLEW back to New York, he called the hospital to see if Anna was at work that day. The nurse in charge checked the schedule and said she was off till Tuesday. He didn't have to be at work himself until Monday at noon, so he went to her apartment on Monday morning to see her. Conveniently, Felicia was at school, and he found Anna alone when he rang her doorbell. He had called before to say he was coming over, and she sounded pleased to hear him.

But as soon as she saw his face that day, she knew that something was brewing. He looked more serious than usual, and he seemed quiet when he sat down on the couch, while she made him a cup of coffee.

“Should I ask how it was?” she asked quietly. “Or should I mind my own business?” She wasn't sure what had happened out there, but she could see in his eyes that something was different. And he hadn't called her all weekend. She also knew he was due back on Sunday night, and he hadn't come over.

“It was all right,” he said, and took the mug of coffee from her and set it down on the table. “It wasn't as bad as last time. We did a lot of talking.”

“Good talk or bad talk?” she asked, watching him, trying to read his face, but he looked guarded. Their affair had been going on for four weeks, and although she knew him well, she also knew that there were times when he was very private. Particularly about Meredith, and the situation in California. She didn't want to pry, but she wanted to help him.

“Good talk, I guess,” he answered her, and then he took a breath, and dove into the deep water. He knew it would be hard to do, but there was no point stalling. More than anything, in spite of what he had to say, he didn't want to hurt her. “Anna.” Just the way he said the word, made the hair on the back of her neck stand up. She sensed more than she knew what was coming. “I'm moving out there.”

“That's not exactly news,” she said calmly. She was stalling for time, in order to maintain her composure.

“I mean now. Soon. In two weeks. I'm going to give notice.”

“Did you find a job?” In spite of herself, she looked startled. Her face had the look of an animal being hunted.

“More or less. I found something as low man in an ER. It's not great. But it'll do for now. You mean a lot to me,” he said carefully, choosing his words like diamonds, but he knew that whatever he said, he would wound her. It was why he wanted to end it now, instead of later. He had realized he was falling in love with her, and because of that he had decided to press Meredith about his moving out there. He knew that if he waited, the damage to Anna would be greater. And he wanted to stop it before he hurt her too badly to recover. “I've got to make the move now,” he said. “If I wait any longer, it'll be worse later when I do it. I don't want to fuck up your life any more than I have in the last four weeks. We're living a dream here. It's a dream I love. I want to be here with you, working with you, sleeping with you at night, playing with Felicia. But I can't. I'm married to Meredith, and we have fifteen years behind us. No matter how lousy the situation is for me right now, I've got to go out there and try and put it back together.”

“Is that what she wants?” Anna asked. Her arms were crossed and she seemed hunched over, as though her stomach hurt, or her heart, and Steve hated what he was doing to her.

“She agreed to it. I think she knows what I do, that if we wait, it'll be all over. This is the eleventh hour for us. We've either got to set it right, or give it up. And I don't want you to wait for me. You have to assume that I'm going to stay out there. You have to forget me.” He said it softly but firmly, and for an instant, she thought the words would kill her.

“That's not so easy,” she said as tears filled her eyes. “Forgetting you is a tall order. You're kind of an asshole at times, but I love you.”

“Just remember that I'm an asshole.”

“That shouldn't be hard,” she said, with her usual bravado, but he could see that he was killing her. And he didn't even want to think about Felicia. He had fallen in love with her too, she was the little girl he'd never had, and she deserved so much more than just Anna could give her. She needed a father. But he couldn't sign up for the job, he already had one, as Merrie's husband.

“I don't know what to say to you,” he said, choking on his own words. “I love you. I want to be with you. If I were free, and you were dumb enough to have me, I'd marry you. But I can't offer you anything this way. I'm cheating you, and myself, by staying here. I have a responsibility to Merrie.”

“She's a lucky woman,” Anna said hoarsely. And then, “What if it doesn't work out? Will you come back?”

“No,” he said, and the word sounded harsh even to him. He didn't want to leave her any hope. It wouldn't be fair. Because, with luck, he would stay with Merrie. And if he didn't, God only knew what would happen. “If it doesn't work out,” he said, convincing himself as much as her, “I'm going to do something very different. Maybe what you suggested, I might spend a couple of years running a clinic in an underdeveloped country. ‘‘

“You rich guys are lucky,” she said bitterly. “You can do whatever the hell you want, and you don't have to worry about feeding anyone, or paying the bills, or supporting your kids. You just pick up your feet and pack your bags, and go wherever the hell you want to.” He knew that she would have liked to do what he was talking about, probably more than he would. But he actually thought it would be a good idea for him, if his attempt to save his marriage failed. It was time for him to put something back into the world, instead of just patching up guys who shot each other.

“I'm not rich,” he reminded her. “My wife is. That's very different. And what she has is hers. I don't want anything from her, except kids one day. I'm stealing something from you, Anna, I have been for a month now. The chance to meet the right guy, someone who can marry you and take care of you and Felicia, and give you more kids.” He knew she wanted them, but could barely afford to support her daughter at the moment. “I don't have the right to take that from you. I'm giving that back to you now. I'm giving you back your life, and your freedom.”

“How noble,” she said sadly. “Do I get a voice in this?” she asked, slowly getting angry at him. What right did he have to make all the decisions, especially one that affected her so deeply? She loved him more than she had any man, and she had known the ground rules from the beginning. She just hadn't expected to fall in love with him to the extent she had, and so quickly. It made it harder to let go now.

“You don't have a choice here,” Steve said firmly. “You can hate me if you want, or decide never to speak to me again. But you can't affect my decision to go out there.”

“I wouldn't presume to,” she said bluntly. “Nor would I want to. You were always free to do what you wanted, and so was I. I knew what the deal was from the beginning. I just didn't think you'd go so soon. I figured it would take you months to find a job, or maybe longer. I didn't realize you'd be willing to go without one, or with a job that isn't worthy of you.” It made her realize again how desperate he was to save his marriage to Merrie, and Anna didn't think she was worth it. But the important thing was that Steve did. “Is there anything else you want to say to me?” she asked, standing up.

“Not really. Just that I love you, Anna. I want good things for you. I want you to have a happy life, without me.”

“I get that. I always got it. You don't owe me anything. I want you to know that. I never wanted anything from you, except some time. You were a warm blanket in the winter.”

“You were more than that to me. I want you to know that. I really love you.”

“So what? You're still going.” she said, as the tears swam in her eyes. “Felicia's father said he loved me too, but he didn't have the balls to stand up to his parents. Maybe you don't have the guts to face the fact that your marriage is already over.”

“I don't know that. That's why I'm going out there. And if it is, I'll have to face it.” She nodded and walked slowly to the door, and opened it. He wanted to hold her again, and kiss her, and make love to her one more time, but he loved her too much to do that to her, and he walked slowly to the door, watching her, as though to etch her in his memory forever. It would be tough working with her for the next two weeks, but at least he could see her.

He took a single step over the threshold, as she held the door, and with a last look at him, without saying another word to him, she closed it. He stood there for a long moment, wondering if she would open it again, and he could hear her crying softly just inside, but he didn't knock or ring the bell, or say anything, he just stood there. She never opened the door again, and after a few minutes, he walked slowly downstairs, thinking of what it had meant to him for four weeks to be there. It had been a home to him, a haven, and a refuge. And now he had cast her back into the world, and exiled himself to a life he was unsure of in California.

He went to the hospital from there, and he spent an hour with Harvey Lucas, and told him he was leaving. Harvey was disappointed, but he understood. He told Steve he was grateful that he had stayed after his accident. But he knew that Steve wanted to be with Merrie. He was sorry about the job Steve had taken in the ER, but he understood that too. If he wanted to stay married to her, he knew he had to be there.

“What did you do to Anna Gonzalez, by the way?” he asked Steve at the end of the meeting.

“Nothing. Why?” He felt awkward as he answered, and wondered if Harvey had heard about their affair. Steve and Anna had both been convinced that no one knew about it, and thought it was better that way.

“She called just before you came to work. She said that you'd been hard on her recently, over a difference of opinions, and she doesn't want to work on your shifts anymore. She asked me to change the schedule, and keep you away from each other. I get the feeling she doesn't even want to see you.” Steve felt it like a physical blow, as he listened to Harvey Lucas. He had been counting on at least seeing her every day until he left, and working with her. But she was right. She wanted a clean break, and he had to let her have it, if that was what she wanted. He wondered what she was going to say to Felicia, and what the child would think, maybe that all men deserted her and her mother. It wasn't a pretty picture. But neither was his desertion of them, and he knew that.

“I guess I've had my head up my ass, as usual,” he confessed to Harvey. “We had a couple of long days and rough nights, with no sleep, and I bitched at her. We had a disagreement about a diagnosis. She was right of course, and I apologized. But she's pretty tough herself. I guess she didn't forgive me. She's a hell of a good doctor, Harvey. You'll enjoy working with her.”

“I already do. I'm sad to lose you, Steve. And of course you just blew my shot at research all to hell. I'm never going to get out of here now. It'll take us two years to replace you.”

“That's bullshit, but I'm flattered. And I'm sorry about your research project.”

“So am I. If it doesn't work out in California, come back. I'll take you back in five minutes, and get my own ass out of here in five more. I'm burnt out here.”

“You love it, and you know it,” and then he said pensively, “I'm going to miss it.”

“No, you won't, unless you're bored to death putting ice packs on bruises. That could wear a little thin pretty quick. But you'll find something else. Keep me posted.”

“I promise.” And then, in as even a tone as he could produce, “Take good care of Anna. You'll be nicer to her than I was.” He wanted to cry as he said it.

“Godzilla would be nicer to her than you are when you've been on for four days and haven't slept in three. Christ, when you get like that, I even hate you.” They laughed and walked off to the operating room together. They both had surgeries scheduled that afternoon, and Steve wondered if he would ever see Anna again. He didn't think so. And he didn't.

For the next two weeks, he was at the hospital on a different schedule from hers, alternating days, and taking more time off than usual, so he could get organized, pack, and show their apartment. The realtor had a buyer for them at the end of the first week, at a lower price than they had wanted for it, but it was in the ballpark, and he and Meredith discussed it. In the end, she decided it was easier to sell it than to keep it empty or try to rent it. It was in escrow before he moved to California. And he had everything packed up and shipped to Palo Alto. He stayed at a hotel for the last three days, and on his last day at work, the nurses gave him a party. Anna wasn't there, as usual, and most of the nurses cried when he left. No one could imagine the trauma unit without him.

It was raining the day he left New York. He carried his medical bag, and one small suitcase. He had sent the rest with the movers. And as he boarded the plane, he realized that it was April Fool's. But all he could think about was seeing Merrie. He had missed Anna terribly the past two weeks, but he knew he had done the right thing, for her, as much as for him. If he had stayed, and continued the affair with her, it would have been worse for both of them in the end, and he knew that what he had said to her was true. She had a right to more than he could give her. He wanted her to find a great guy, neither married, nor an asshole. She deserved the best, he thought, as they circled slowly and flew west, and New York disappeared behind them.

Chapter 19

U
NLIKE ANNA AND
Steve in New York, Meredith and Cal spent every last moment they could together. There was a greater intensity than there had ever been between them before, and they spent their last weekend together at a small hotel in the Carmel Valley. They spent two days in bed, and went on long walks, held hands and kissed, and lay awake for hours, talking at night, after they made love, but there was no talk of the future. There was no future for them. There were only these final moments.

And on the day Steve was to arrive, Cal would be flying to London. The night before he left, he stayed at her apartment until after midnight. Even that would be gone soon. She had rented an apartment in the city, and was going to start commuting.

“I want to say I hope everything works out with Steve,” he said as he left her, “but I'd be lying to you. I don't want it to work, Merrie. I want you to come back to me. Call me in Europe and tell me what happens.”But the worst of it was, she could no longer imagine a life without him. The most confusing part of it for her was that she felt almost as though she and Cal were married, and she would be cheating on him with Steven. But the relationship she and Cal had shared was a fantasy, a delusion, a time warp. They were in love, but had no real commitment to each other. Her commitment was to Steve, and Cal knew it. And although Cal said he understood that, he was angry at her for letting Steve come out, and wanting to continue their marriage, and angry at himself for not having made a commitment to her. And they both knew it was too late now for him to do it. She had to see things through with Steven.

“I can't throw away fifteen years without giving him one last chance, Cal. I can't do that. I'd always wonder what would have happened.” Cal knew she was right, but in a way, he hated her for being so fair to her husband. But her sense of fair play was one of the things he had always liked about her.

“It's not going to work, and you know that,” Cal said bitterly. “It's over with him, Merrie. Face it.” But they were both having trouble facing the fact that she was going back to him, and for now at least, the affair with Cal was over. She was having withdrawal thinking about it. And Cal was distraught. And what's more, he didn't think Steve was right for her. “You two have nothing in common.”

“We had enough to keep us married for all these years,” she argued with him, but she was no longer convinced either.

“That was blind luck, and you know it. You've been on separate career paths for years. I'm not even sure he understands what you do, or cares, or knows how good you are at it. You're wasting yourself on him.” It was a plea for himself, but she knew she had to try anyway. She owed it to Steve as much as to herself, but rather than respect her for it, Cal was furious, and felt rejected. He looked like a wounded buck when he finally left her in the apartment. “Take care of yourself, Merrie,” he said sadly, and kissed her one last time before he left. She cried for hours after he was gone, and when Steve arrived the next day, she was still so upset she looked sick. She was deathly pale and her eyes were swollen.

“Are you sick?” Steve asked when he arrived, worried about her.

“It's a cold, or allergies or something.”

“You look awful, sweetheart.” He gave her some antihistamines, but she wouldn't take them. And within two hours, he had made a mess of everything, his clothes were all over the bedroom floor, his shaving gear was all over her sink, and he was cooking her dinner.

But nothing about his arrival felt like a celebration, and he was disappointed to hear she had rented an apartment for them in the city. He had wanted her to buy a house, or at least rent one. And the night he arrived, he started in on her about having children. It was part of his reunification plan. He thought it would strengthen the bond between them.

“This is no time to even think about that,” she snapped at him, wondering where Cal was then. By her calculation, he had just arrived in London. But they had promised not to call each other, and she was trying to stick by it, at least for the moment. Steve hadn't even been home for one night yet.

“This would be a perfect time to have a baby,” Steve insisted. “You're happy at work, I'm not going to be too busy for a while. If you don't feel great for the first few months, I'll be around to give you a hand. And if I stay in the ER, I could even help take care of the baby.”

“I don't
want
a baby.
Ever.
Can't you understand that?” she said miserably. She wasn't even sure she still wanted him, let alone a baby. “A baby will screw up my life, complicate everything. I don't want to feel sick for ‘a few months.’ I just don't want it.”

“When did you decide that? Permanently, I mean.”

“I don't know,” she said, looking tired. Her nerves were stretched beyond the breaking point. They were moving, he was home, and the affair with Cal was over. The last thing she wanted to add to her misery was a baby. “I don't think I ever wanted one. You just didn't want to listen.”

“That's nice to know now. When do we move?” he asked, changing the subject.

“Next weekend,” she answered, and jumped when the phone rang. It was some kid trying to sell them the newspaper they already subscribed to.

“Our things should be out from New York in a couple of weeks.” And he was starting the job in the ER the following Monday. Meredith felt as though there was chaos all around her.

It was a relief to go to work, and at least she didn't have to commute for the moment. She got faxes from Cal all week, about potential customers and research labs he was visiting in Europe. But all of the faxes were impersonal, and she was simply part of a distribution list. And he never called her.

By the end of the week, she was a wreck, and looked it. She looked less impeccable than usual, her nerves were frayed, and she felt as though Steve's mess had spread like a swamp through their apartment. She had forgotten what it was like living with him. It was like living in a college dorm, and she was constantly picking up socks and shirts and trousers strewn all over the living room, and his idea of dress shoes was a new pair of Nikes. And suddenly it all mattered to her. In her head, she compared everything to Cal, who looked immaculate and well dressed and perfectly pressed from the moment he got up in the morning. And everything he did and touched was as orderly as she was.

And predictably, their move that weekend was a nightmare. The new bed she had bought didn't arrive. And half of the plates she'd bought at Gump's were dropped by the movers and instantly broken. They had nowhere to sleep, nothing to sit on, and not enough to eat on.

“Come on, babe, take it easy. We'll manage till the stuff from New York comes. We'll eat on paper plates, and I'll buy a futon.” It was not the way she wanted to start her days before undertaking a commute to Palo Alto. She was already depressed at the prospect of spending an hour and a half in traffic before she got there. And on Sunday night, as they sat on the floor, eating pizza with their hands, she found herself missing Cal's children. But she said none of it to Steve. There was no way she could explain to him what she was feeling.

And tensions only got worse when he started his new job. As it turned out, they had lied to him. He was the lowest man in the ER and they were using him like a paramedic. Even the nurses had more responsibility than he did. They were having him do intakes, and all he did for the first two weeks was shuffle papers. He hated it more than he said, and when she came home at night, exhausted from work and the commute, he was sitting in front of the TV he'd bought, with an empty six-pack. And he was too depressed to even offer to cook dinner. They were living on Chinese takeout, burritos, and pizza.

“This is the shits,” she finally said one night, after he'd had a particularly bad day at work, with absolutely nothing to do except baby-sit a four-year-old whose mother was having a baby. “You hate your job. I hate the commute.”

“And we're starting to hate each other,” he finished for her.

“I didn't say that.”

“No, but it's written all over you. You're pissed off when you come home every night, and you take it out on me. What's happened to you?” But she couldn't tell him what had happened. The truth was that she was missing Cal, and the adjustment to living with Steve again had been harder than she'd ever dreamed it could be. Five and a half months of living alone, and two and a half of it with Cal had somehow changed her. She didn't feel like the same person she had been when they lived in New York together. And now everything about Steve grated on her.

“I just hate camping out and sleeping on the floor,” she admitted, “and the commute to Palo Alto every morning.”

“And I hate my job and this apartment,” he added. “The question is, what do we like about each other? There used to be a lot of things I liked about you, Merrie. Your brains, your looks, your patience, your sense of humor. You're so damned unhappy these days, you just ooze poison.” It was true, and she felt guilty as soon as he said it.

“I'm sorry, Steve. It'll get better, I promise.”

But the problem was, it didn't. And when Cal got back from Europe after four weeks, it got worse again. He treated her like an enemy and a stranger. It was as though in the past four weeks, he had closed the door on her forever. She had hoped they could be friends, the way they had been in the beginning. But she realized now that too much had happened between them. Too much love and hope and loss and disappointment. And Cal was obviously angry at her for the way it had ended. For him, disappointment had turned to fury. And he had spent the four weeks in Europe seething about it. It was almost a relief to him to take it out on her every day. He seemed to enjoy it. He picked on her constantly, asked for reports and projections ten times a day, and quarreled with all of her conclusions and opinions. They almost had an open fight in one of the board meetings, which had never happened to them before, and she gave him hell about it later, and felt like a shrew when she said it.

“I don't give a damn if you disagree with me, Cal. You can discuss it with me privately, you don't have to humiliate me in public.”

“You're overreacting, Meredith,” he said curtly, and stormed out of her office. But so was he. That much was obvious to everyone. Their colleagues didn't know why, but they were beginning to wonder if he was going to fire her, and so was she. He seemed to have a vendetta against her. The real vendetta he had was with himself for not asking her to marry him earlier, but he had been too afraid of commitment to do that, and so grateful to just let the affair roll along. He doubted now if it would have changed anything for her because of her loyalty to Steve, but he wondered if he would have felt better. And more than anything, he hated losing.

“You look like you're in a great mood,” Steve commented to her sarcastically when she got home that night, and it was just one straw too many on the proverbial camel's back, and the dam broke before she put down her briefcase.

“Actually, I'm not,” she said nastily. “I had a fucking awful day today. I hate my life. And I had a flat tire on the goddamn freeway. How was your day?”

“Better than that. But not much. I treated hemorrhoids today, took a wad of gum out of a kid's ear, and put a splint on a broken finger. I figure I might get the Nobel Prize for it.” He was on his fifth beer, and their furniture had been delayed for the last two weeks by flash floods in Oklahoma.

“Why don't we move to a hotel till it arrives?” she suggested when Steve told her.

“Because that makes us spoiled brats, if we can't sleep on the floor for a few weeks. You know, there was life before beds and couches.”

“I'm tired of camping out here.” She just wasn't in the mood to do it. Not with him, or anyone else for that matter. And she was furious with Cal for the way he was behaving. He was being petulant and childish, and he was making life miserable for her at the office. There was no place in her life that was going smoothly at the moment.

“I'm tired of your attitude,” Steve looked back at her, and she looked at him with total frustration.

“I'm sorry, Steve. I just can't do better than this right now. I'm trying. But it's tough. That damned commute is going to kill me. Why don't we look at houses in Palo Alto?”

“Because the whole fucking world does not revolve around your job, Meredith. If I ever get a decent job here, I need to be close to the hospital. I can't travel an hour in traffic to get to my patients.”

“I'd say a kid with a wad of gum in his ear could wait a day or two for you to get there.” It was a put-down that was uncharacteristic of her, and a few minutes later, Steve stormed out of the apartment, and when he came back he was drunk, on more than just beer. He had had three tequilas, and a brandy chaser. But she didn't say a word to him. She was lying on the futon he'd bought, and pretended to be sleeping. But she'd been crying since he left the apartment. This wasn't the way she wanted to live. There was no camaraderie, no compassion, and no friendship left between them. They hardly made love anymore, and when they did, it was like making love to a stranger. They'd both had better more recently, but fortunately, neither of them said it. They just lay in lonely misery, as the walls between them grew higher and higher. The only thing worse than April was May. Despite good weather, their lives seemed to be filled with storm clouds. And they spent most of their time avoiding each other.

And when their furniture finally arrived, it was small comfort. It was like a relic of a lost world, and none of it seemed to fit right in the apartment. And as far as Meredith was concerned, the place looked dismal.

By late May, they were ready to kill each other, and she was thinking of quitting her job. It was becoming more and more impossible for her to work with Callan.

“What do you want from me?” Steve asked one night. “I came out here to save our marriage. I took a job I hated, because I wanted to be with you. I gave up everything I cared about in New York. And you've been pissed off at me since the day I got here. What is it that you hate so much about me, Merrie?” The tragedy was that what she hated about him was the fact that he wasn't Callan. And the truth was that she didn't hate him. She just didn't love him anymore, and she couldn't bear to face it. She was angry at everyone, and mostly herself, for what had happened. But time had swept them away down a raging river, and she could no longer find him. All she could find when she looked around was the debris of their marriage.