Into This River I Drown (51 page)

There’s nothing but the river below, moving as it always has.

“No,” I say. “That’s not….”

I will always be with you
, he’d said to me once.

“No.” Something begins to rise within me, a terrible anger. “No.” It rolls over me in waves, and I can’t stay afloat. “No.” Rage and fury, amassing as one.

Nothing comes up from the river below. It’s raining harder now.

I lift myself up from the ground. There’s a roaring in my ears.

I turn.

Sheriff George Griggs stands beside an open rear door on Christie’s SUV, a rifle in his hands, pointed at me. He must have been hiding in the back. He moves carefully around the door, then closes it behind him with a gentle
thunk
. He sees me watching him and winks. He cocks the rifle again.

“No,” Christie says. “Not him. Not yet.”

“You sure about that, boss?” Griggs asks her, smiling at me. “One shot and he’s down. Wanted the big guy to feel his.”

Boss?

“Not until we find out who else he’s told. What else he knows. No more loose ends. Not now. We can’t take the risk. I already had to get rid of Dougie.”

Griggs snorts. “Dougie was a fucking dumbass, anyways.”

Christie frowns. “He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Boss.
No. No.

“You bitch,” I mutter. “Oh, you fucking
bitch
.”

“I don’t expect you to understand, Benji,” she says almost regretfully. “Some things happen just because they have to.”

I charge at her. A crack of gunfire and a divot appears in the pavement two feet in front of me. I stop.

“Not so fast, Benji,” Griggs says. “She might be the boss, but if you take one more fucking step, the next bullet is going into Abe’s head. His old brains will be all over the ground before you can even think your next thought.”

I gag, clutching at my stomach. My vision narrows as my blood boils. My eyes feel lazy as they shift out of focus.

And it is here, in this moment, in this impossible (
improbable,
my father whispers,
it’s all so improbable
) moment, that I fall to my knees. The ground beneath me is solid, but that roaring in my ears is like swiftly moving water, and I lay my hands against the pavement. They get wet and the ground rolls beneath me. The rain splashes fat drops onto my skin. I try to clear my head, but it’s a losing battle and I can’t breathe, I can’t move. And as darkness clouds my vision, I am overtaken by a river.

And it is into this river I drown.

look away

I am
at the river. It’s raining. I stand on the road. It’s the same. It’s all the same.

Except it’s not. The rain is falling harder than it ever has before. Lightning flashes overhead. Thunder cracks like—

gunfire oh my god shot he’s shot he’s shot and

—God is angry, rolling through the hills, causing the trees to shudder down to their roots. This is different. Things are not the same.

I slide down the embankment. I can feel the mud on my clothes. On my skin. Could I feel that before? I’m drenched. Did I get this wet before? I don’t know. I can’t remember. This may be the first time. It may be the last time. I don’t—

The world lights up an electric blue as lightning touches down on the other side of the river. Then there is a cross, a white cross, bigger than any I’ve seen before. It stretches to the sky and screams
HERE LIES BIG EDDIE! BIG MOTHERFUCKING EDDIE LIES HERE BECAUSE HE’S
DEAD
, HE’S NOTHING BUT
BONES
AND
DUST
AND HE WILL
NEVER
BE ANYTHING MORE EVER AGAIN!

“Help me,” I tell the rain, the river. I turn my face toward the sky and water falls on my tongue. It tastes like earth. “Help me. I’m haunted.”

Another flash of blue (Blue?) light and the cross is gone, but the ground, the river, the earth, the entire
world,
is covered in large feathers. They’re a deep blue, almost black, but they are all covered with splashes of blood and the red is so
bright
it stings my eyes and I cry out because I know—

he’s gone dead shot dead fell bitch whore

—what it means, I know the red is truth and the blue feathers will be nothing more than memory. Even as I think this, the feathers begin to melt, leaving behind droplets of blood that mix with the rain and reflect the menacing sky above.

Things change further. There’s a whine of an engine up on the road. I turn, but I can’t see the road from my position. There’s a crash of metal against metal, a breaking of glass, and it sounds so familiar that mile marker seventy-seven disappears around me and I’m—

stuck upside down in the Ford and am I still in there? Is this all just a dream? I hit my head, maybe. Maybe nothing that followed is real and we’re still in the truck and that’s why I can hear the crashing in the dream because it just happened to me and Cal is still okay. He’s still fine and I can stop him from dying. I can stop him from getting shot and leaving me. I can end this now. I

—look up as there is an even greater collision, and a red truck flies over the embankment, almost all the way to the river. It smashes into the ground and clips a boulder. The truck flips and lands in the middle of the river, its back end angled up toward the sky. Lightning arcs again, and the rain falls. Brakes squeal from up on the road and a shadowy figure appears, staring down at the truck in the water. I can’t make out who it is. I can’t tell if it’s a man or a woman. They stand in the rain, barely moving until they reach into their coat and pull out a small object. It lights up and is put to the figure’s ear. The voice is garbled, as if coming from underwater, and I still can’t tell the sex of the voice. It says, “It’s done. He never made it out of the county.”

I’m in the river. The water is cold. I’m drenched. My teeth chatter uncontrollably. The truck groans against the current. I look back. The dark figure is gone. Time has passed, though I don’t know how much. I don’t know if it matters. I take another step, and the river mud sticks to my feet, sucking them down. A thought runs through my head—

cal’s gone he won’t be able to pull me out of the river

—but it hurts too much to think, so I push it away as I submerge myself under the water.

The silt and grit feel harsh against my open eyes. The truck is vaguely outlined in the river. I push up from the riverbed and kick harshly. I’m propelled toward the truck. I expect to see my father’s—

dead

—arm hanging out the blown-out window, but the window is empty. There is no blue feather. I swim closer. The current is strong.

Just float,
the river whispers.
You could stay here and float forever.

But I can’t. Not yet. I have to see my father’s face.

I get closer. I touch the truck. Do I need to go up for air? My lungs don’t hurt. My chest doesn’t burn. I’m not choking. I’m okay.

You don’t need to go up for air,
the river says.
Just open your mouth and inhale down here. It’s easy to breathe underwater. All it takes is that one… first… breath.

It’s trying to trick me. It’s trying to mess with my head. I can’t let it.

I pull myself along the edge of the truck. I swim as close to the riverbed as I can to look inside through the busted window on the door. I reach the door and grab it, anchoring myself to the truck. I’m pressed against the river bottom and the weeds tickle my stomach, the rocks scrape against my skin. I look inside the truck.

It’s pitch black. Like darkness has fallen inside the cab and nowhere else.

But don’t I hear voices? Yes. Yes, I do. They are muffled. I can’t make them out. I need to hear them, because the cadence, the
timbre
, to the voices sounds familiar. It causes me to ache because I know who they are now.

I close my eyes, and pull myself into the truck underneath the river.

Into the black.

This is what I hear in the dark:

“Am I already dead?” my father asks.

A response, strong and kind. “Almost. You’re almost there.” Cal. The angel Calliel.

“
Dad!
” I try to scream.

He doesn’t hear me. “Will it hurt?” There’s fear in his voice.

Calliel doesn’t hesitate. “No, Edward, Big Eddie that was. It will be like going to sleep.”

“What if I don’t want to sleep?”

“There is an order to things. A design. A pattern.”

“
Fuck
your design!” Big Eddie cries. “I don’t want to go!”

“I know,” Calliel says, his voice shaking. Something’s wrong. “And I wish it wasn’t this way. But I was given a test. I had no choice. I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“Because my Father wants me to prove my faith in him.” His voice cracks.

“I’m a father too,” Big Eddie whispers. “Do you know my son?”

“I know. Benji. He’s… wonderful.” Cal sighs.

“He’s the greatest thing to happen to me. You can’t take me from him. You just can’t. He is my
son
. There’s so much more I have to teach him!”

“It is not up to me. I can’t….”

“You could,” my father argues. “If you really wanted to. You could.”

“It’s not the way of things, Big Eddie.”

“Why?” my father asks, his voice getting weaker. “Why must we suffer? Why must we hurt?” His words are like an echo, and I think
Michael
.

There’s a pause. Then, “How else can you truly have faith?” Cal doesn’t sound like he believes his own words. They sound like recitation. “How else could we know how to love unless it’s gone?”

“Can you save me?”

“No. Not in the way you’re thinking.”

“He’ll ask questions. He’s my son. He’s smart. He won’t let this go. He could get hurt. He could
die
.”

“I know,” Cal says roughly. “I don’t want that to happen, either.”

“You have to protect him. If you are who you say you are, if you’re a guardian angel, if you’ve been watching us all this time, then I’m asking you. No, I’m
begging
you. Do your duty. Guard him. Protect him with everything you can. Never take your eyes off him and let no harm come to him. Do you promise me?”

Hesitation. “Big Eddie, I—”

“
Promise me!
” Big Eddie roars in the dark. “
You fucking promise me! This is my
son
! You fucking promise me!
”

A beat of time. I float in the black water. Then a whisper: “I promise.”

“I won’t cross,” Big Eddie swears. “Not yet. Not while there’s still a chance he could get hurt. He’ll need me.”

“You
can’t
wait,” Calliel says, sounding horrified. “You have to cross, Edward! If you don’t, you might be stuck in limbo forever.”

“I don’t care. As long as my son is safe, my
family
is safe, I don’t care.”

I hear the defeat in Cal’s voice. “There may come a time when you
will
care, Big Eddie, and I don’t know if there will be time to save you.”

My father’s quiet as he says, “It doesn’t matter, angel. I still have a job to do, and so do you, now. You promised me.”

“Yes,” Calliel whispers. “I know. I….”

“What?”

“I’ve watched you. For a long time. You, while you were young. You and your son. Benji. You know he believes the sun sets and rises with you, right? That you hung the moon and the stars for all the world to see?”

My father sobs quietly. “I know. I know. Don’t you think I know that? Ah, God. I can’t leave him. I just can’t. How can God want this? How could he think this was ever right?”

“I promise,” Cal says, his voice stronger, “that I will do everything I can for Benji. I promise you he will know peace again. It will take time, but one day, he’ll look to the sky and the sun will rise above the horizon and warm his face. He will know peace. I promise you.”

“Why? Why would you do this? Why did you promise me?”

“Because I love him,” the angel Calliel says. “As I love you. You are all mine to cherish. And I have cherished you for so long. All of you.”

“Angel?”

“Yes, Big Eddie?”

“I’m tired.” And he is. I can hear it. It’s like knives embedded in my skin.

“It’s time to sleep, Edward Benjamin Green. If you will not cross, you will need your strength. I can’t say what will happen to you, but if you stand, if you can stand and be true, then there may be hope for us all.”

“I’m….” He sighs.

“What?”

“I’m scared. Will you… will you stay with me? Until the end?”

“Until the very end. You’ve led a beautiful life filled with love and honor. Remember that, as it will warm you like fire and help keep the river away.”

“Will you tell him? Will you tell Benji I love him?”

A shuddering breath. “He knows. Oh, Edward, how he knows. But yes. Of course, yes. I will remind him every day. It may just be a touch, but he’ll know.”

Silence. Then:

“Your feathers. They’re….”

“Yes.”

“They are so… blue… and….” His voice trails off and doesn’t return.

“Good night, Big Eddie,” Cal says with a catch in his voice. “I will not forget my promise. Sleep and go with the grace of my Father. May you find peace, old friend.”

And in this dark, in this river, I open my mouth to scream. Water floods in and down my throat and I can’t breathe, I can’t take a breath, and I’m drowning, drowning, and I—

I open
my eyes.

And groan as pain washes over me in rolling waves. My entire body aches like I’m covered in bruises from head to toe. My face is sticky and my ankle is on fire. My limbs are screaming at me. I try to stretch them out, but I can’t move very far, and my shoulder feels like it’s been sliced open. And a smell. Holy shit, that
smell
, like cat piss and ammonia all mixed into one. It stings my nostrils, burns my eyes. I cough as I try to take a breath around the gag in my mouth. The cough burns my chest. Sprung rib? What the hell? What the fuck is going—