Interesting Times (40 page)
*
People are always a little confused about this, as they are in the case of miracles. When someone is saved from certain death by a strange concatenation of circumstances, they say that’s a miracle. But of course if someone is
killed
by a freak chain of events—the oil spilled just
there
, the safety fence broken just
there
—that must
also
be a miracle. Just because it’s not nice doesn’t mean it’s not miraculous.
*
Usually about six inches across.
*
People wonder how this works, since a terrestrial elephant would be unlikely to bear a revolving load for any length of time without some serious friction burns. But you may as well ask why the axle of a planet doesn’t squeak, or where love goes, or what sound yellow makes.
*
Which is like Fuzzy Logic, only less so.
†
All
virtual
lectures took place in room 3B, a room not locatable on any floor plan of the University and also, it was considered, infinite in size.
§
A policy adopted by almost all managers and several notable gods.
*
Such as “Ouch!”, “Aargh!”, “Give me back my money, you scoundrel!”, and “You call these chestnuts? I call them little balls of charcoal, that’s what I call them!”
*
And often the phrase “a bastard you don’t want to cross, and I didn’t say that.”
*
The UU college porters. Renowned among the entire faculty for the hardness of their skulls, their obtuseness in the face of reasonable explanation, and their deeply held conviction that the whole place would collapse without them.
*
Except during extreme flood conditions it is extremely difficult to make much progress on the Ankh, and the University rowing teams compete by running over the surface of the river. This is generally quite safe provided they don’t stand in one place for very long and, of course, it eats the soles off their boots.
*
This at least was true. Rincewind could scream
†
for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.
†
This is important. Inexperienced travelers might think that “Aargh!” is universal, but in Betrobi it means “highly enjoyable” and in Howondaland it means, variously, “I would like to eat your foot,” “Your wife is a big hippo,” and “Hello, Thinks Mr. Purple Cat.” One particular tribe has a fearsome reputation for cruelty merely because prisoners appear, to them, to be shouting “Quick! Extra boiling oil!”
*
Named after the wizard Sangrit Heisenberg and not after the more famous Heisenberg who is renowned for inventing what is
possibly
the finest lager in the world.
*
There was still a certain amount of confusion on this point.
*
KIDS! Only very silly wizards with bad sinus trouble do this.
Sensible
people go off to a roped-off enclosure where they can watch a heavily protected man, in the middle distance, light (with the aid of a very long pole) something that goes “fsst.” And then they can shout “Hooray.”
*
The Ankh-Morpork name for the Counterweight Continent and its nearby islands. It means “place where the gold comes from.”
*
In fact, he’d be about the seventy-third to admit it.
*
Such as Dish of Glistening Brown Stuff, Dish of Glistening Crunchy Orange Stuff, and Dish of Soft White Lumps.
*
According to the history books. However, in common with every other young student, Rincewind had hopefully looked up “figgin” in the dictionary and found it was “a small bun with currants in it.” This meant that either the language had changed a little over the years, or that there really was some horrifying aspect to suspending a man alongside a teacake.
*
A dismal prospect, especially when the horses keep sinking.
*
When you’re on a desert island, your appetites can become a bit confused.
*
Much later, Rincewind had to have therapy for this. It involved a pretty woman, a huge plate of potatoes, and a big stick with a nail in it.
*
“Your feet shall be cut off and be buried several yards from your body so your ghost won’t walk.”
*
Except on posters with legends like “Wanted—Dedd.”
*
The only sound the Horde had ever heard in temples was people shouting “Infidel! He has stolen the Jeweled Eye of—your wife is a big hippo!”
*
“Friendly stab,” as it is formally known.
