Insufferable: A Dark Erotic Romance (12 page)

Chapter 18

Jaime

The metal was cold against my fingers as I withdrew the gun from my pocket. Nothing prepared me for the expression on Lydia’s face. Her eyes were wider, now. Whether it was the denial of intimacy or the recognition of what I held, I wasn’t sure. Maybe it was both. Her lips parted and my heart was in my throat as I let the revolver rest at my side.

“The lessons are over? So … it’s time, then? Here?”

I licked my lips, nodding. “You deserve better than some cheap motel. There’s a single bullet in the chamber. You have one shot.”

Color quickly drained from my slave’s face and it only made raising my hand even harder.
Tests.
Sevastian was right in urging me to go through with them. I had to access Lydia’s state of mind. Would she really attempt suicide? Worse? Would she try to kill me in hopes of escape? I would never know unless I put the gun in her hand, which wasn’t going to take long. She was already inching closer, but not as eagerly as one would who was longing for death. I hoped.

  “This isn’t real … is it? No, this can’t be real. This is a test.”

My hand lifted higher, urging her even closer to a nightmare she had no idea she was walking into.

“I can show you the bullet if you’d like. There is one inside. If death is the only option you’ll accept, this is going to be your only chance to get it for a long while.”

“You’re lying. You wouldn’t give in so easily. Not after everything you’ve said and done.”

I stepped closer, closing the distance while she studied me. “I’m going to fill you in on a little secret. I saw potential in you. I thought I could convince you to choose life. The truth is, I help people who are battling whether to choose life or death. I show them their worth. I change their lives into something great. But I can’t help you if you’ve already given up. And frankly, I don’t have the time to fight for you if you’re already gone. There are people who need me. People who
want
to live, despite death’s call. So here, take this. Just know … if you have doubt that you want to do this—don’t pull the trigger. I’m here for you. I
can
help you if that’s what you really want.”

The weight of the gun disappeared from my hand as Lydia took it from my grasp.

“I don’t believe you,” she said, shakily. “Something’s not right.”

I shrugged, letting sadness etch onto my face. And this time it was one hundred percent real. I truly was worried about her possible choice. “Believe what you want. There’s only one way to find out.”

The cylinder popped open and air rushed out of Lydia’s mouth as her eyes shot up to mine.

“You weren’t lying. There’s really a bullet in here.”

“The question is, are you going to use it? You don’t have to. You can hand the gun back to me and we can continue with these lessons like this never happened. I can make you better, slave. We can find a way to make you happy again.”

Tears gathered in Lydia’s eyes and she gave her head a hard shake almost immediately. “Do you not think I’ve tried to find happiness? I’ve found it! Then it’s taken away from me. Even if I did … even if I managed to get past it this time, the thoughts will come back. They always do. I can’t outrun this!”

My hands slowly rose as I tried to calm her increasing emotion. I needed her to think clearly, to not decide impulsively because she was upset. “It’s not about outrunning these emotions. It’s about facing and coping with them. It can be done, I promise you. In whatever path you choose for help, there are ways. We can find what works best for you. If you choose to live, I will be there for you every step of the way. I will not brush you aside or disappear once you’re better. I know these ups and downs. I live them, remember? What we share from here on out will be for life. I will always be your lifeline when you need one. Time, location—none of that will matter. All you have to do is reach out to me. You don’t even have to say a word. Reach and I will meet you. Call and I will answer … and I will come. Always. You don’t have to be alone anymore.
You can have me
.”

“
Have
you?”

At my nod, Lydia’s head lowered to look at the gun. I felt sick at my confession. I was pouring my heart out to her, begging in ways—begging for things—she didn’t even know. And it wasn’t easy. She was going to hurt me with her actions in a few seconds. I knew that as she stared at the weapon in her hands. She said numerous times she wanted to escape this life. To disappear from the pain. So why should this time be any different? She was about to get what she was asking for in her mind, so why should she care about my feelings? She’d be free from this pain, and I didn’t blame her from wanting to escape it. I’d been there. Even now I knew how hard life could be when suicide raged inside. But Lydia deserved to see what happy was. I could do that for her. I knew I could. And she could give me the one thing I yearned for. The woman made me feel when hardly anything else did. I wanted her, dammit. I wanted the impossible dream I’d only teased myself with for all these years. We could do this
together
.

The click of the hammer all but stopped my pulse. But the gun didn’t rise as Lydia’s attention came back to me. That didn’t matter, though. What she had done by preparing the gun… It was a sign graver than her sticking the barrel in her mouth. It revealed more to me than she even knew. She
could
die. She wanted it badly enough. The action told me that. She wasn’t sticking the barrel in her mouth first and trying to find the courage to shoot. No… Death wasn’t something she feared. The hardest part was already done. All she’d have to do was find the placement and with a snap of her finger, it could all be over with.

“You say I have you for life. Does that mean I have to stay here and live like this? As a guarded prisoner?”

“No. Not at all. I will prepare you for the outside world. I will help every way possible. It can be a new start, a new life after you leave here.”

“Does that
start
include medication and therapists?”

My jaw clenched and I knew I couldn’t lie. She deserved to know the truth. “In your case, I would suggest both, but the medication is likely a definite. I know with your past, you’re against that route, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I’ve seen anti-depressants do wonders for people. Of course, it is your choice. You have to know…” I swallowed hard, running my hand through my hair at what felt like a losing battle. “Slave, if you make it these four weeks and we get as far as placing you on medication, and then you spiral again because you stop taking them—”

“I’m back here,” she breathed out.

“Yes.”

“This is no life.” Her head shook and despite myself, I moved in closer.

“Wrong. This could be an amazing life if you allow yourself to look past the beginning. Think about the outcome, not the trials. You have to have dreams. Are they not worth fighting for?”

Was a possibility of an
us
not worth fighting for? Worth exploring?

Something sparked on Lydia’s face while she glanced between me and the gun. With the way she was angled, it was almost impossible for me to get a read on what she could possibly be thinking.

“There are a lot of things worth fighting for. For instance, I’ve been fighting for this moment for as long as I can remember, and yet here I am, contemplating whether or not I can splatter my brains all over your floor. It’s not that I can’t or that I don’t want to. It’s you.” She glanced up, angrily. “Even if I wanted to, I can’t put you through seeing something like that. Not again. You may have witnessed it numerous times, but you won’t with me.” She paused. “I want to be alone.”

My head shook in a slow rhythm brought on by a cocktail of sickening grief and disappointment. Of course she hadn’t changed her mind in the slightest because of my constant existence in her life now. Lydia just wanted to spare me the graphic nature of her demise.

“How considerate of you, but I’m afraid that’s not how this works. You have to do it in front of me. It’s part of the price of your death.”

“But at what price to you?”

I couldn’t help but narrow my stare at the concern covering her face. No one had worried about the effects their suicide would have on me. Most didn’t hesitate to try to go through with their deaths. Sure, they didn’t know it was a test, but they didn’t care. Lydia did. So much so that she’d prolong the one thing she wanted until she reached a comfort level that allowed her to follow through. It was beyond worrying. Even if she did finish out weeks of tests and therapy, who was to say the actions weren’t staged? That she wouldn’t undergo all of it to make everyone happy, and then kill herself when she was finally free and alone?

“I don’t care about me. I want to be supportive of your decision the entire length of your journey. I’m meant to offer comfort in your darkest hour, but …” Uneasiness fluttered throughout and I exhaled deeply, stepping back. This was the only way to know for sure. She wouldn’t be true to her desires if I didn’t give her the space. I wasn’t supposed to, but Lydia wasn’t like the others. “You wish to do this on your own?”

She nodded, blinking rapidly through whatever she was thinking. “I need some time. Master … I—just go.” She turned, putting her back to me. Leaving was almost impossible. My feet didn’t want to move and anger was growing as the pain became almost unbearable. I was failing. I
would
fail in saving her. Jesus, what the fuck was I going to do to change her mind? To show her that life could be better if she’d only get the help she needed?

I threw the adjoining door open, going rigid as the explosion cannoned through the room. I barely remembered spinning back to face her. The barrel was pointed at the wooden floor and her eyes were wider than I ever saw them. She was horror-struck and frozen at the gun going off … but it didn’t last. Quickly, her long lashes fluttered in confusion while she looked down at the unaffected floor. Deep breaths were leaving her and fear drained the color from her face as her stare returned me.

“Blanks? You tricked me? Of course you did,” she yelled. “I shouldn’t be surprised, but this goes to an all new low for you.”

“I had to know.”

“Know what? Whether I’d pull the trigger? Well, I did, but not on purpose.”

“Doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have. You were going to do it, weren’t you?”

The gun slid across the floor toward my feet. “Put a real bullet in there and let’s find out. I can’t believe you’d be so cruel. Do you have no heart? Do you know what that would have done to me to be denied death once again if that was my choice? Do you even care?!”

The growl barely left her mouth before she was racing toward me. I didn’t bother to deflect the blows she began swinging against my chest. Not at first. My heart ached for her. I just wanted to make things better, but the closer I felt pulled to my slave, the harder it was becoming to decipher what was right and what was wrong.

Chapter 19

Lydia

“Shh. It’s okay. Get it out.”

Jaime pulled me closer, stroking my hair back as I tried to beat against the outsides of his chest. I couldn’t stop. The tears were coming harder with each swing of my fists and I felt betrayed and hurt by his certainty. All I had truly wanted to do was think over this huge decision, alone. To clear my head and try to decide if I should break down and face taking medication. Would I have gone as far as putting the gun to my head? I didn’t think so given that something was shifting inside of me. Something I didn’t even want to admit to myself because I’ve hoped before … Each day I was having even more reasons to live, but he didn’t know that, and I couldn’t blame him for thinking the worst when I was the one leading him to believe I was a whisper away from killing myself. But if I pulled back now, I couldn’t completely switch again when the need came back. And I knew it would. That’s what I was waiting for. Death would return for me, it was only a matter of time. So what did I do about it?

“I just want everything to stop.”

“I know you do.”

“No, you don’t! You have no idea what’s inside of my mind. How damned I feel, as if I don’t have a choice concerning my life.”

The kiss on the top of my head only made me cry harder. He was holding me so tightly. So securely. I could almost believe there was hope for me. That Jaime’s firm grasp could somehow hold my pieces together long enough for me to begin to heal.

“Is that what it is? You feel you don’t have a choice? You do.”

“That’s not true. If I did, do you think I’d want this? How many times do I have to say it? You don’t understand.”

“Then tell me.”

“I can’t.”

“Sure you can. Let’s go over everything you feel again. We have nothing but time.”

“And you want to waste it conversing about what a disaster I am? We’ve already had this conversation. My subconscious is the epitome of opposites.  I’m good, I’m bad. I’m happy, I’m sad. I think I’m fixed, and then I’m more fucking broken than ever.”

My Master led me to the bed and I wanted to continue to fight but I was past the point. I just wanted to be alone and try to work through what just happened. As he spun me to the bed to sit while he kneeled before me, I knew he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

“Just start talking. We’ll cover everything, again. And again. However many times it takes.”

“As many times as it takes for what?”

I knew what he meant. As many times it took until I was better. Until I chose anything but suicide. He wasn’t going to give up on me, ever. The man wouldn’t have risked his life to begin with for a few weeks to make a decision he didn’t agree with. There was no
out
concerning suicide, and I incredibly didn’t think it was my only option anymore. It was facing what I had to do that scared me the most. That I was even considering it told me how far I’d come.

Jaime’s mouth opened, but he stayed silent as my fingers pressed against his lips. The tears were coming again, blinding me as I pleaded to him with my eyes.

“Don’t answer that. I can’t keep doing this—keep saying I don’t have a choice when we both know I do.
To long for death when you don’t want to die
. I hear that, you know. Those words constantly repeat in my head. I don’t want to leave here,” I whispered. “Not really. I just want peace. I want happiness without it being stolen from me the moment I let my guard down. This pain. The internal suffocation of agony I feel. My mind tells me there’s no way to stop it. Be truthful with me. Can you make it go away? Can you help me? Like …
really
help me? Not just
say
you can.”

Jaime pulled me into him, hugging around me as he rested his head against my chest.

“Yes. I will do everything in my power to fix you, but you have to let me. You have to follow my lead. If you can do that.” He paused, reaching up to cup my face. “If you can do that, I will take your pain away. I can make sure you’re happy.
Trust me,
no matter what. That’s all I ask.”

“I’m scared.”

“Not as scared as I am. Lydia …” His eyebrows drew in and once again I glimpsed the pain he harbored. It pulled at the emotions swirling within, drawing me in closer until I was pressing my lips gently into his. The hunger that met me was all it took to wrap my arms around his neck and follow in his lead by holding on. He wanted my submission in so many ways and there was a relief there. A peace, like I yearned for. But that alone made the fear worse. If trusting Jaime backfired, or he couldn’t make this stop, what then? My feelings were growing for him faster than I could get a handle on. Could I take heartbreak on top of everything else?

“I’m going to make you better. I promise.” Jaime’s mouth crushed into mine and everything faded but the way his tongue was massaging into mine. He tasted so good, and the way he was holding to me, I could almost believe him. I wanted to more than anything.

Weight pushed my back into the mattress and I immediately wrapped my legs around Jaime’s hips while I drew him deeper into our kiss.

“You’re serious about this? You want to get better? This isn’t a scheme to fool me or escape?”

My head shook as I stared up into his brown depths. “I want to live, I just can’t fathom how it’s possible. This weight inside of me, it’s been there so long.”

“That can be taken care of. If that’s gone, you’ll
want
to live?”

“Yes.”

My whisper was cut off by Jaime’s lips pressing back into mine. His urgency was my own. Perhaps we were desperate at the idea of what we both wanted—me, fixed.

I dropped one of my arms from his neck, pulling at his shirt as I tried to bring him closer. My Master didn’t fight me or pull back like I feared. He ripped at his clothes, throwing the shirt behind him and pressing harder into me while his fingers dug into my hip. The thick length of his cock pushed against my pussy and I broke from his mouth, gasping in need.

“Don’t stop, Master.”

Jaime lifted enough to gaze down at me.  What passed between us left me shaking. I’d always been sensitive to emotions and this was no different. The intensity was extreme. To me Jaime was every bit the Master, the leader, the savior, he portrayed.

“I don’t think I could stop if I wanted to. And I should. Fuck, I know I should, but I want you so much. Do you know how long I’ve waited for this? Weeks before you ever saw me on that cliff. When I was in the hospital, when I was recovering and searching for you, all I could think about was never seeing you again. Of being too late to help you. I thought you were dead. Do you know what that did to me?” His head shook through the pained expression he held. “But you’re not, and I
can
help you. I won’t give up until your better. You understand that, don’t you? I’m not going to stop.”

“What if—”

Jaime gave a hard shake, cutting me off.

“There are no what-if’s. None. You will get better because I will do everything I can to make it so. You’ve had such a hard life. You’ve never had anyone be there for you like I’m going to be. I’m dedicating myself to you, Lydia, and if you knew exactly what that meant, you wouldn’t have any room for doubt. Think of the darkness that tears you down and replace that weight with me. What it does to you will be nothing compared to what I do to it. I’m going to make you better, and in the process we may have to take alternative steps to fight the chemical imbalance, but that’s where it ends. Between me and the medication, you’re going to be a completely different person. The one you always dreamed about. You’re going to be mine.”

“Yours?”

Jaime’s head lowered back to my chest and I hated not being able to read him. His head shook while he cursed under his breath. “I’ll help you every way I can. I’m
honorable.
You have my word.”

A smile edged onto my lips and I couldn’t stop it. Despite his unorthodox methods of the previous days, and the times I was angry with him, I knew he was speaking the truth. “I’ve always known that. Not anyone would take a dive off of a cliff for a stranger. You’ve always put me first. Don’t think I’ve overlooked that.”

His head lifted and I let my teeth graze over his thumb that kept sliding over my lip. The action had Jaime’s lids closing. The deep inhale brought me up higher and I took more of him into my mouth, sucking against the digit as I let my tongue caress over the tip.

“God, what you do to me. You have no idea. I can’t think straight when I’m around you. Obviously,” he breathed out, opening his eyes. “Everything I’ve learned screams I’m doing this wrong, but I can’t deny what I want—you.”

Jaime removed his thumb, coming up to kiss me again. The grip he placed on the side of my neck was a claiming like nothing I had ever felt. It put my mind at ease and all thoughts vanished until I was locking my legs back around his hips and urging him on.

Slowly, the shift on my thigh eased up, raising toward my hip with his advance. The caress was soft, causing me to moan for more contact. I couldn’t stop myself from arching and trying to rock against him.

“This time you’re going to come. I want to taste you, slave. I want you crying for more.”

Jaime lifted and before I could do more than make desperate sounds, the shift was pushed up to my stomach. His stare shot to mine and I froze as he began to lower.

“Don’t take your eyes off of me. Not for one second.”

“Alright.”

My legs were widened and Jaime pushed them higher as he leveled his mouth even with my pussy. For seconds he didn’t move—only gave me that look. I was so wet, waiting. So in need of what I’d longed for.

“Say it right.”

“Alright …
Master
.”

“Don’t forget again. You know better.”

My body melted as his tongue flattened over my entrance. I gripped to the comforter, trying my best not to let my head drop and my back arch like I wanted. With the way Jaime was beginning to circle around and tease my clit, it made it hard to practice control. Even my rocking was stopped. Fingers gripped to one side of my hip, tightening with every movement I tried to make. For minutes he took his time, building me up. My lids grew heavy as I watched his every move. 

“Please … just ...” I bit my lip, trying to move down instead of arch. One of his eyebrows rose, but the order was clear with his steady hold. And it only increased as he lowered and rounded back up again. The leisurely figure eight motion was going to be my undoing. He was dipping down to push into my opening, only to rise and brush against the sensitive nerves. The act was so slow and drawn out that heat was starting to pour from my skin. My clit drew up, pulsing while he licked and sucked against my folds just shy of that location. “Can I? I’d like to—” I spread my legs impossibly wider as he neared my opening and pushed his tongue inside. Pleasure exploded, leaving just as fast as it appeared. “Master?”

My head felt so weighted down as I held it up, watching him move closer to the top of my slit.

“You want me here?” His tongue flicked over my clit impossibly fast and I cried out, nodding eagerly.

“Yes. Please. Please, I’m begging you.”

When his head rose and he began to lift, my mind stalled out. I was flipped over to my stomach so fast that a yelp broke free.

Whack! Whack! Whack!

“Master! I’m sorry!”

“Are you so caught up in how good it feels that you can’t remember the simplest of all rules?”

Jaime gripped my hips, pulling me to my knees. I kept the side of my face against the comforter, instinct telling me not to rise. If he wanted me on all-fours, he would have put me that way.

“It does feel good. I didn’t mean to forget.”

“You won’t forget again.”

Metal clinked behind me and I could see my Master in my peripheral. I knew he was taking off his belt. I moaned, staying still as he began removing his pants. I lay there, getting wetter, fantasizing about feeling the leather against my skin.

“What’s that look, slave?” The bed dipped and he settled in behind me. My eyes couldn’t help but close as Jaime’s finger slid into my pussy and stayed there. “You want my belt, don’t you?”
Whack!
“You want that sting against your ass.”

“God, I do.”

Whack!
“How bad?”

I clenched around my Master’s finger, moving him deeper inside of me as I lifted my head and met his stare. “I need it.”

“Then it’s yours. Head down.”