Instant Family (28 page)

"I don't ignore her."

"Don't you? You fobbed her off onto me quickly enough."

He flung his hands into the air, shaking his head. "I admit, I did
do that-or at least you could see it that way-but I've learned how to
be a better father from your boys. I want to be a better father, much
better than mine was. You love me, I love you. It's simple.
Unless..." That icy chill rushed through his veins, freezing his blood, stifling the
red rush of anger. "Unless you don't really love me, and this is just an
excuse. I know I love you, and I won't love anyone else. Don't you believe me?"

Chloe regarded him from behind those cool green eyes. She
looked away. "I don't know."

Alex froze in place for a moment; then his limbs jerked into action.
He snatched his jacket from the chair and headed for the front door,
thrusting his arms into the sleeves as he went. Chloe didn't move to
stop him. She wanted to say more, but the words wouldn't come. She
wanted to tell him she was honored and flattered and excited by his
proposal, but it had truly astounded her, struck her dumb. He was
asking questions of her she hadn't considered. They deserved well
thought out answers. These were questions that dealt with the rest of
her life. Her whole life. If and when she married, it would be foreverwith the kind of love Mum had had with Bevan. How did anyone
know?

She'd loved Lachlan and believed he loved her. Wrong. Granted,
they were young, neither ready for a lifelong commitment. But was
she ready now? Alex asked if she knew she would never love anyone
else-how could she possibly answer that? It felt that way at the moment, but anything could happen at any time.

"Has Alex gone?" Seb's voice cut into the seething morass of her
thoughts.

"Did you know he was supposed to go to that awards dinner tonight?" Chloe turned, ready for an attack. She'd come to expect that
from Seb. Ever since his beating. He hadn't forgiven her for her actions that night. Julian and Katy were less forthright in their disap proval, but they were wary of upsetting her. Until now, until her accident and Alex's appearance as savior.

"He said it didn't matter." His voice was surprisingly gentle. A
tear popped into Chloe's eye and ran down her cheek. Didn't matter? An accolade like that to a man who put his work before everything? Didn't he?

Seb smiled uncertainly and shoved his hands into his pockets.
"You should go to bed."

"Yes." Chloe sniffed. She walked across to switch off the lamp on
the bookshelf in the corner.

"Are you still mad at him?"

In the semidarkness she could see the anxious expression. "No."
Her voice shook, and she couldn't stop her lips from quivering. Several more tears followed the first. She gulped and swallowed, then
rubbed the heel of her undamaged hand across her cheeks. "He's
mad at me now."

"Why?"

Chloe hesitated, but whom could she confide in? Who else, of all
of them, had a special relationship with Alex? It was through Seb
that they'd met. Seb with his instinctive assessment of Alex as a
good bloke and his dogged defense of their friendship. "He proposed,
and I said no."

With streams of tears washing her face, Chloe fled to her bedroom.
But she should have known a closed door would provide no sanctuary from her siblings. Within minutes the door cracked open and two
identical, concerned faces peered carefully around the door frame.

"Go in." Julian pushed the door wider, letting in a stream of light
from the hallway.

Chloe, collapsed on her bed in the dark, barely managed to lift her
head when they sat one on either side of her. Two hands patted her
clumsily. Julian shoved a tissue into her lifeless fingers, and when
she didn't move, he took it and mopped her face as best he could. Seb
closed the door and switched on the reading lamp, turning the shade
so the light was muted and the room in soft shadows.

Gradually the sobs slowed. The boys sat silently, waiting. Unusually for them they said nothing, but their presence was comforting.
Chloe stirred and rolled onto her back. Julian handed her another
tissue. She blew her nose, awkwardly with her bandaged finger.

"Why did you turn him down?"

Chloe bit her lip and drew in a shuddery breath. "I don't want to
get married."

"To Alex?" asked Julian.

"To anyone."

Silence for a few moments while they digested that information
with furrowed brows. Seb ventured, "He loves you"

"I know, and I love him." A couple of late tears escaped.

"We thought..." Julian glanced at Seb for assistance.

"We reckon you'd be perfect together."

Chloe sighed. She picked at the edge of the bandage with her
free hand. The cut was throbbing gently, but that pain was nothing
to the slashing wound she'd made in her heart. "I don't know him
very well."

Julian shrugged. "You know enough."

"I want to do other things. I want to finish my degree."

Seb cried eagerly, "Alex won't stop you from doing that."

"You don't understand." She didn't properly understand herself
anymore. He'd rushed away from that building site to help Seb. Twice
he'd put the Gardiners first. Without complaint. Like a father. He'd
changed.

"Tell us."

"I can't. I just don't think it's the right thing to do."

"I reckon you're just scared," said Seb. "Mum said she was scared
before she married Dad, but it turned out to be the best thing she
ever did."

"Mum never said that!" cried Chloe.

"Yes, she did," Julian confirmed. "When we were in primary
school, and we had to sing at assembly. She said things you're scared
of rarely turn out to be as bad as you thought, and sometimes they're
way better. Like marrying Dad."

"I always thought they fell in love at first sight, and that was that.
She told me she knew straightaway."

"They did, but it didn't stop her being scared of getting married,"
said Seb. "Maybe because of how your dad had treated her."

"You don't have to marry him," Julian said. "Can't you just be
engaged or something?"

She would have laughed at their serious, knowing expressions if
she hadn't been so close to tears again.

"Go to bed," she said. "And thanks for looking after me."

"We love you too, Chloe," said Julian. They both stood up, and
the mattress bounced back into place.

"I know, and I love you."

Two faces smiled down at her with relief. Chloe's smile faded.
"Do you think..." They waited. She ran her tongue over her lower
lip, swallowed, gazed up at them. "Do you think it's too late to change
my mind?"

Countless times Alex had his hand on the phone, even dialed
several digits before he lost his nerve. She couldn't possibly be serious about not seeing him. There was no earthly reason for such a
drastic decision. It must have been shock and the drugs the doctor
had given her messing with her mind.

He paced about the house, thumping his clenched fist into his
palm, and then, when the house became claustrophobic, he flung the
sliding door open and paced about the garden in the crisp autumn
air. He was mad, temporarily deranged, to have blurted out that marriage proposal.

But he'd been permanently deranged since he fell in love with
her. He knew the instant she smiled at him that day in the car. When
did she know? He hadn't even had time to ask all those senseless
questions new couples ask each other, all those trivial little things.
When did you first notice me? When did you first fall in love with
me? Did you know I loved you?

There'd been no time-she'd broken up before they'd gotten
properly started. It was his fault. He'd frightened her; he'd seen it
instantly in her face. Again. He'd terrified her the first time they met
and later the same day in the shop. Her expression was identicalbewildered, confused, trapped. He did nothing but scare her. He was
a crass, blundering fool in love. Too impetuous, too eager where she
was cautious. She was right to turn him down. He'd given her no
chance to think or absorb the fact that he loved her before he was
asking her to commit herself to a lifetime with him. Crushing her under the weight of his passion without giving a thought to how she felt.
Assuming everything. Arrogantly blind in his own desire.

He had to tell her. Apologize. Retract his rash statement, his pro posal. Make her understand it was his fault and his excessive passion. His problem, not hers. Leave her be. In peace. To heal.

Alex ran inside, grabbed his car keys, locked the house, and ran to
the BMW.

But Chloe's house was empty. No one answered his knock. Alex
stood undecided on the front steps. He could leave a note to say he'd
stopped by. He had a notepad in the car, maybe even a business envelope.

Darling Chloe,

Please forgive me for my rash statements yesterday. I know
I took you by surprise and perhaps even frightened you, and
you were right to turn me down. You're not ready for marriage
or a lifelong commitment, and on reflection I realize I'm probably not either. I'm sorry. Believe me, I'll do as you request
and not bother you again.

Be happy.

All my love,

Alex

Some of it was true; some of it wasn't. He wouldn't bother her
again, and he did want her forgiveness, but he was ready for commitment and marriage, and he loved her, adored her. Loved her so
much that what she wanted she would have, and if that was to pursue her dreams without him, so be it.

He stuck the envelope with her name printed on it into the screen
door. Suddenly Aranda seemed claustrophobic. The houses crowded
in on him; the suburb lay drab and uninteresting. The remainder of
the Easter break stretched before him. He needed to get away. He
could stay away until Wednesday at the latest; after that, work commitments would be unavoidable.

Alex went home and threw clothes and essentials into an overnight
bag, tossed it into the car, and left town with nary a backward
glance, a heavy rock track pounding out his sorrow on the sound
system.

Julian lifted the two bags of fresh apples from the backseat and
headed for the front door. Seb waited for Chloe to get out of the car, then walked with her to the house, carrying the bags of vegetables.
The boys hated going to the markets as a rule, but today both had offered, even insisted when she said she was capable on her own. They
were worried about her, she knew. Her collapse must have frightened them all, although Katy was happy enough to visit her friend
Annabel as planned. But she hadn't witnessed Chloe's teary confession. The boys had.

Was it too late to change her mind? Would Alex's be a once-only
offer? Take it or leave it? Was his pride stronger than his love for
her? The questions burned into her brain as she randomly chose apples and potatoes at the markets, finally arriving at the answer. There
was only way to find out. Ask him. Now, as soon as they got inside
and stowed away the food.

Seb began unpacking the vegetables. He wouldn't allow her to help.

"You'll hurt your finger," he said.

"That letter was stuck in the door for you." Julian continued
stacking apples in the fridge. The envelope lay on the counter.

Chloe glanced at it on her way to pick up the phone and take it to
her room. "Probably from a student."

"It's from Alex."

"How do you know?" She snatched up the letter. BERGMAN DESIGN
was printed on the top left corner. She ripped it open with a chill of
foreboding. A letter was very formal. What was he writing that he
couldn't say to her face? Or on the phone?

Her eyes flew over the words, scanning the phrases, absorbing the
meaning in snippets of understanding: rash statements... not ready
for marriage or lifelong commitment... not bother you again.

She sagged against the counter, the paper clutched in her fingers.

Good-bye. That's what he couldn't say to her face.

Chloe didn't celebrate her birthday on Tuesday. The family
did. Simone took them out to dinner, and they all gave Chloe gifts,
which she admired through her haze of misery, and they sang "Happy
Birthday to You" in the restaurant, which embarrassed her. Nobody mentioned Alex, but it was as if his specter sat with them at
the table. He'd become so much a part of their existence, they must miss him as much as she did. Or was she the only one thinking
that?

The boys hadn't said anything more about her teary confession or
his letter, but they'd treated her with extra care and consideration.
Like an invalid. Which outwardly she was, given her finger. Seb was
especially solicitous. Alex had forged a bond between them not only
with his presence but with his absence.

The following weekend, on the Sunday before school resumed,
Seb interrupted her practice. Her finger had healed enough to accommodate a short workout. Chloe looked up in annoyance when
he pushed open the door. He knew she hated being disturbed in the
middle of a session, and this was the first time she'd been able to
take her guitar out of its case in a week.