Inspire (31 page)

I head back to my car, contemplating the other pieces of the puzzle.

To be whole, all must first be lost.

You will lose him to your secrets.

First shall meet last on death’s breath.

Whether I understand the oracles meaning or not, one thing is abundantly clear. None of this will be easy. My future is darkness under more darkness.

I push open the glass door to head outside, feeling sluggish and afraid. Is there even a point? Everything about that prophecy points to bad things and worse things. Maybe I should let it all go?

“Kalli?”

I had my head down. I wasn’t paying attention to anything as I left Bridget’s building, and now two large,
familiar
hands take hold of my shoulders. The touch is a shock to my entire system. I moan. Maybe in relief or sorrow or regret.

The baseball cap is pulled off my head, and my hair tumbles down around me, and then Wilder’s face is in front of mine.

“It’s really you.”

He’s pale. His glasses sit on his nose, and behind the lenses, I see bags under his eyes. This can’t be happening. How could I be so careless?

“Where have you been? What are you doing here? What’s wrong?”

I’m crying again. I can’t even control it. His closeness burns like a cold frost against a wound.

“I can’t,” I whisper, trying to fight his hold, but his grip is tight.

“No,” he says, so close I feel his breath on my face. “You
can
. You just fucking left Kalli. You’ve been gone for so long, and I didn’t know what happened to you. I filed a goddamn missing persons report. I drove around day after day looking for your car. I was worried you’d gotten in a wreck. You were upset and in pain, and anything could have happened to you.”

“I couldn’t do it anymore.”

“Couldn’t do
what
?”

I lift my chin to meet his gaze, and the pain in his eyes makes it hard to breathe.

“This.
Us
. It’s dangerous for us to be around each other. Please,
please
let me go.”

He doesn’t let go, but he does loosen his grip a tiny bit.

“What’s dangerous? Is someone after you? Does this have something to do with all the things about your past you won’t tell me? Or your family?”

I shake my head, squeezing my eyes shut. I wish it were that simple, that I could just close my eyes and make this entire situation disappear. I fist my hands in his shirt and try to push him back, but he won’t have it.

“It’s not any of that. You just have to trust me.”

“How am I supposed to trust you when you don’t tell me anything? When you left, I went to everyone who knew you. Lennox. Jack. He told me about all the time you two spent together. That you asked him not to tell me. How the hell am I supposed to trust with that hanging over my head? When you leave without a word even though you’re supposed to love me. Was any of that even real?”

Without thinking, I cry, “Yes! Of course, I love you.”

Wilder slams his lips down onto mine in answer. My mouth is hanging open in surprise, and his tongue sweeps in immediately. All the fight leaves me at the first taste of him, and even though I know somewhere in the back of my mind that I shouldn’t let this happen, that it’s cruel to give us both what might be fruitless hope, I can’t help myself.

I love him
.

I love him. I love him. A thousand times, I love him.

One hand cradles the back of my head, fingers threading through my hair, and my back meets the brick wall behind me. I tighten my fists on his shirt, but instead of pushing him away like
I know
I should, I end up pulling him closer. His body pushes so tight against me that the brick scratches at my back and my arms and legs. His mouth is hard and frantic, and I can feel his sadness and his anger in every desperate thrust of his tongue. His other hand grips my waist so tightly that his fingers are likely to leave a bruise. It’s punishing, this kiss. But it’s not a punishment. Or it doesn’t feel like one to me. It’s the first time I haven’t been in pain in months.

And that’s why I have to stop.

I tear my mouth away, turning my head to the side on a gasp. But Wilder doesn’t stop. His mouth drags down to my neck, sucking soft skin into his mouth hard enough to leave a mark.

I try to say his name, but nothing comes out. Then his hand leaves my waist, and his fingers wrap around my thigh, tugging it up against his hip. He pauses his assault on my neck long enough to push his lower body against mine, leaning all of his weight until I’m pinned completely between him and the wall. I can feel his arousal against me, even through our clothes, the weight of it pushes deliciously against my core.

“Come home with me,” he pleads. “We can talk about everything else later. But I need to be inside you, need to feel your skin against mine. It’s the only way I’ll know for certain I’m not crazy right now. That you’re really here.”

Everything snaps back into place, and all my objections and fears come roaring back so loud, like they’d been on mute with the volume turned up high. Finally in control again, I push him back. He loses his grip on me, caught by surprise, and I take off for my car.

After a few moments, I hear him behind me. And gods, how must we look? Like two actors playing out our own tragedy on stage. I make it to my car, but he catches the door before I’m able to tug it closed.

“Please,” I beg. “I know it’s not fair. I know you’re confused. And I’m sorry. More sorry than you will ever know. But if you love me, you need to let me go.”

He falters, his grip going slack, and I take advantage and push his hand off the door long enough to close it. I flip the lock and start the car. He’s still right there beside me as I start to pull away. His hands braced on the hood, he moves with me, saying, “Kalli, stop. At least tell me where you’re going. Are you going home? Can I see you again? Will you fucking tell me anything?”

So I tell him the only thing I can. The truth that threatens to slice me down the middle. “We can’t be together. Not anymore. I’m sorry.”

This time, I let myself watch him through my rearview mirror. He doesn’t run after me. Instead, he stands staring in the road, his hands clutching his head as I go. I don’t breathe again until I turn the corner and he’s out of sight.       

Chapter Twenty-Three

Wilder

I don’t know how to let her go.

Even though she asked me to. Even though I know it’s not fucking healthy to hold on to this. I can’t. It’s not like we had a fight and broke up. It’s not like either of us lost interest. Something is wrong, and she’s hurting, and I
cannot
let that go.

I stay staring after her car for a while after she leaves, trying to decide whether I should get in my SUV and go after her or not. Last time I did that, I went to her apartment, and she never came back. If she’s running again, there’s not much I can do about it. So, I do what I came to do, which is apologize to Bridget for skipping our gig the other night to camp out on Kalli’s porch.

After she left, I had to go back to the music. It was the only thing that could get me out of bed in the morning. That and the marketing class that Kalli and I shared that I kept irrationally hoping she’d return to.

I still don’t have the time to play as often as we used to, but I was managing. Then I drove by Kalli’s apartment, a habit of mine every time I go near campus. I saw her car, and nothing else mattered.

I hit the buzzer for Bridget’s apartment number, and after a few moments, she buzzes me in. I shove my hands in my pockets, and tell myself just to get this over with. One thing at a time. That’s how I’d been living the last three months.

I knock on Bridget’s door, and it opens almost immediately.

“Were you just here?” she asks.

I frown. “No. I just buzzed up.”

“I know. But there was a knock at my door a few minutes ago, and I opened it and no one was there, and …” She trails off.

“And what?”

“Nothing. I don’t remember. It’s like I blacked out or something. You weren’t at the door?”

My guts twist as I think about Kalli walking out of the building, a baseball cap hiding her face.

“You’re okay?” I ask.

“Yeah. I’m fine. It’s just … weird.”

Weird. Right. What could Kalli have been doing here? Is it some bizarre jealousy thing? Did she come back into town and think that I’d started seeing Bridget again in her absence? How could she think that? And if she wants me to let her go, what the hell does it matter?

She opens the door a little wider and gestures for me to come in. I step inside, and my anxiety kicks up a notch. What if that’s why Kalli pushed me away? She came here to make sure I wasn’t with Bridget, and then I go and show up. What must it have looked like to her?

Bridget crosses to the couch, but when I don’t follow, she stops and crosses her arms over her chest.

“Listen, I can’t stay long,” I say. “But I just wanted to apologize for bailing the other night.”

“What happened? Rook said something about the girl.”

The girl.

“Kalli is back in town.”

Bridget scoffs. “She is, is she? What was her excuse for leaving you high and dry?”

I swallow and purse my lips. I don’t know if I’m upset she didn’t give me an excuse or relieved. Nothing she could have said would have made a difference. Except to promise she’s back for good.

Bridget’s eyebrows lift. “Fine.  Don’t tell me.”

I sigh. “Bridge—”

“No, it’s fine. I realize that I’m probably the last person you want to talk about relationships with.”

“I don’t know. Rook gives pretty terrible advice. It’s a tight race.”

She laughs, and drops her defensive posture. “Are you … are things better?”

I’ve been miserable to be around lately. I’ve been wavering between writing and playing love songs and depressing heartbreak songs. But music was the place I could get closest to her, whether I was singing about the good or the bad she made me feel. 

“I don’t know. There’s just a lot I don’t understand, and I have no idea what happens next.”

What if she’s gone for good this time? How long can I make excuses to drive through her neighborhood? How long can I drag up the pain and write about it before I forget how to push it back down when I’m done? Or worse … how long until I’m numb to it? Until it becomes harder to remember her altogether.

“Will you at least be at the gig tomorrow?” Bridget asks. “I get that playing rock songs isn’t exactly your vibe at the moment, but this one pays really well.”

It goes unspoken that it’s money she needs. Hell, we all need it. It’s not one of our usual jobs. We’re filling in for another band we know at one of the bigger bars in town. If we could get a permanent spot on their roster, it would be a good break for us.

“Yeah. I’ll be there.”

When I go by Kalli’s house, her car is nowhere to be found. I knock on her door just in case, but no one answers. Not that I’m surprised. I stay for a while, scratching out lyrics on an empty page in one of my class spirals.

It’s always push and pull with you, push and pull

And it’s hard, baby, not to feel like I’m the fool

I’m fighting battles in a war I don’t understand

I’m losing speed, honey, here’s where I crash land

I just want to know you, honey. Let me know you.

There’s not a thing I wouldn’t go through.

I shake myself. Scared I’ll break myself

But I can’t shake you. I don’t want to.

I’m caught up, turned around

Inside out, and upside down

Just to know you, honey. All to know you.

I’ll spin a little faster. Dive a little deeper.

Crash a little harder, anything to keep her

Her taste is my drug, and her lips are my dealer.

I shake myself. Scared I’ll break myself

But I can’t shake you. I don’t want to.

I’m caught up, turned around

Inside out, and upside down

Just to know you, honey. Let me know you.

I don’t know how to win this war I’m losing

I’m swinging at air, babe, and come back bruising

I’m outnumbered in a fight against none

Planting my feet just to watch you run

I’m caught up, turned around

Inside out, and upside down

You’re the last thing I see as I hit the ground

Oh, I know you, honey. Too late to show you.

Eventually, I climb back into my car and leave. But I don’t think I can spend the night in my bed. Not with the memories that are there. I need a break from the fight. So I head to my mom’s place. It’s late, and both she and Gwen are already asleep by the time I come in.

I bypass the couch because it belongs to Kalli in my mind, too. Instead, I head for Gwen’s room. She’s taken Kalli’s absence almost as hard as I have. In the beginning, I told her that Kalli had just taken a trip. But the longer she was gone, the harder it was to tell that lie. When I finally broke down and told my sister that she was gone and might not be coming back, Gwen had cried uncontrollably. Harder even than losing dad. I don’t know if it’s because she’d grown to love Kalli too, or if it was just the toll of losing another person.

I nudge her door open, and she’s curled up into a tiny ball on one corner of her bed. I take a weary breath and kick off my shoes before climbing into bed beside her small frame. She wakes when the mattress jostles, and blinks up at me. But she doesn’t say anything, just rolls over and lays her head on my stomach instead of her pillow.