Insipid (32 page)

“I thought I was doing so well, but last night in particular, I missed her so much. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. And then I met some girl named Mindy at the bar and thought it would be a great way to kill time, to assuage these thoughts.”

“Thoughts?”

“Of her. Of what we did while I was with her. How I felt. Of a future with her. I can’t wait to close on this transaction so we can spend time together without her being so paranoid about everything.” Jesus. I confide in this person more than I even admit things to myself. And I was paying her.

“Lucas, do you think you’re going overboard here? Jumping the gun a little bit? After all, you just met her. Tell me about her. What is it about her that you’re so smitten about and why is this different from the others?”

“Hmm. Let me see. Those are all loaded questions, Doc.” I let the silence overtake us while we both squirmed in our seats.

She was trying to assess my current state, I could tell by the way she stared at me. I caught her sympathetic eye and held her gaze for a few seconds to show her that I was all right. At times, I thought that her qualities embodied the mother I never had. Her approach was so honest and direct; the perfect way to handle someone as blunt and outspoken as me.

“She’s broken and I want to fix her,” I declared boldly. “There’s something about her that intrigues me. She’s accomplished and intelligent and extraordinarily ethereal.”

“All the women you date are beautiful. That’s nothing new. You still haven’t convinced me that she’s different. What sets her apart?”

I saw what she was doing. She was asking me to defend my feelings for Jade, challenging me to differentiate them from the ones I’ve had before. And truth be told, I was at a loss for words to articulate just why I feel the way I did.

“She’s always interested in what I have to say. And my feelings for her are just…” I trailed off, trying to think of the right word, “inexplicable. I’m consumed with thoughts of her. I love being with her, spending time with her, whether on the phone or through texts. But after what happened last night, I don’t know that she deserves a shithead like me.”

“You’re not committed to her. She has no hold on you. Don’t let that guilt bring you down. You’ve been making so much progress.” She shook her head in reprimand. “But the drugs. That one, we need to talk about.”

We spent the rest of the session trying to find the reasons for my relapse. There were none. It turned out, once again through the conversation that I had with myself and where she sat there and listened, that it was just plain boredom. “You’ve been drifting along since your mom’s death. Nothing, not even your business success, has meant anything to you.” She looked straight at me, her eyes searching my face for a reaction. “What gives your life meaning, Lucas? What are you passionate about?”

“I don’t know. All I know is that life isn’t fair. I spend my days immersed in my work because that’s the only thing that’s ever remained a constant in my life. I can control that. It’s my business, my policies, my procedures. The rest of my life is dictated by everyone else. You find your mother, she dies on you. You fall in love, she remarries. You try to love someone else, it doesn’t happen. You meet someone special, it’s the wrong time and place.”

“You weren’t always like this, were you? You once said that you had a pretty normal childhood.”

I nodded my head in agreement. “I think it all changed for me when she passed away.”

“We’ve never really talked about that day. Would you like to try to tell me what happened? Your counselors at the Center say that you’ve refused to discuss it with anyone.” She leaned against the back of her chair as if getting ready to settle in for the long haul. This woman knew that she would get me to spill the beans. Right there and then.

I didn’t say anything for a while. Even though I knew I was going to have to relive that time eventually, I wasn’t really prepared. Nothing really earth-shattering happened on the day she passed away. It was the way she looked, her words, and her touch that I didn’t want to remember. I took a deep breath, pursed my lips, and exhaled loudly, the way I did when lifting reps at the gym or getting ready for a sprint.

It was a muggy Tuesday morning. I vividly remember the sweet voices of the choir from the nearby convent as the faithful celebrated the Tuesday Novena to St. Anthony.

“How has she been?” I whispered faintly as I entered the room to find the nurse checking her vitals and adjusting the heart monitor next to her bed. She looked as pale as she did the day before, no change, really.

“She refused the morphine drip despite being in a lot of pain. She said she wanted to be awake when you get here,” the nurse answered mildly as she continued to move around the petite figure that lay limp and lifeless in a rickety bed lined with a featherless mattress.

I waited until she left the room before squeezing in at the foot of the bed by the rusted metal rail. My mother stirred when she felt the weight of my body pressed against her feet. She attempted to open her sunken eyes and smiled as soon as they rested on my face. I slowly inched my way upward, closer to her head, and she weakly reached out her hand to take mine.

“Hi, Mom,” I whispered, stretching my free arm to lightly brush the hair away from her face. There wasn’t much left to tuck away behind her ears, just a few wisps of thin newly grown hair on the top of her head.

“Hi, son,” she croaked. “Good morning. I’ve been waiting for you.” She strained to lift her body higher to pull something from the stand next to her bed. I stopped her from moving any further and she pointed to a folder, motioning for me to take it. “Open it. It’s for you and your sister. I signed it weeks ago and it’s good to go.”

I looked at her, confused, as she waited for me to scan its contents. The front page was a notarized document followed by a Last Will and Testament, accompanied by various appendices and schedules outlining a list of her assets. The total amount at the bottom of the final page was astounding. She hung on patiently for me to register everything I had seen. “Mom? What’s this?”

“Take care of your sister, Lucas. Please tell her that I love her so much. You both kept me going during my darkest, loneliest times. I’m ready to rest now. You have given me the peace that I’ve been yearning for all these years. Please forgive me for leaving you and your sister behind. If I had to do it over again, I would have done the same thing. Where I was, who I was
…
it was never the life that I wanted you to have. Your father is a good man. You are who you are because of him and I am so very proud of you.” She let out a sickening wheeze that came straight out of her lungs and I was filled with horror at the sight of her. Her skin looked gray, her lips were pale, her eyelids were heavy. The smell of death was suddenly in the air. It was a putrid, heavy stink that seemed to seep out of her pores. She was making every effort to get her words out.

“Mom—”

“Please, Lucas, let me finish. I inherited every cent of that from my parents and I set it all aside for you and your sister. But this is not the legacy that I want you to remember. I want you to know that without love in your life, all that doesn’t mean one single thing. Your wealth, your riches, will be in the eyes of those who love you. It will be in the laughter of your family, of your future wife and children. They are the investments that matter. Use it wisely, make a difference in the world. For me.”

To this day, I will never be able to express the emotions that I felt as I gently settled her back, resting her comfortably on the raggedy pillow that held her head. “I love you, Mom. There is no need for forgiveness. I understand everything that you had to do, and I’m just so lucky that I found you again.” I wasn’t ashamed by the barrage of tears that flowed out of me that day. I was a child grieving for the mother who loved me in an unconventional way. “Mom, rest now, we’ll talk again later. You can tell Marissa everything you want to say when you see her. I’ve asked her to come home; she’ll be here soon to see you.”

She stared at me blankly, fighting hard to concentrate on what I just said. My words no longer mattered to her, she had more to say. “Will you do an old lady a favor, my son?”

“Of course. Anything.”

“Lie with me for a few minutes. Let me hold you for a while. I haven’t held you in my arms since you were eight years old.”

I nodded my head fervently as I stood up and carefully placed my arms underneath her frail body to inch her over to the side of the bed. I lowered myself into the tiny space next to her and placed my head on her chest. With great difficulty, she lifted her arms up and wrapped them around me, lovingly stroking my head for a few minutes until her arms grew heavy and slack despite remaining tightly wound around my shoulders.

“Good night, Lucas. I love you.” She hummed feebly, knowing full well that the daylight had just begun.

“Good night, Mom. I love you too.”

And then the angels swooped down from heaven to take her away to the place of everlasting repose, leaving me with a hollowness so deep that nothing, not even the contents of the ocean, could fill. And sixty million dollars.

Cristina met me at the top of the Ocean Park Tower today, an observation deck overlooking the South China Sea and its surrounding islands. I was there on business and she for another modeling job.

“Thanks for meeting me here today. I hope I didn’t screw up your schedule too much.” She smelled the same, she felt the same, and the reaction that I had towards her remained the same. I felt nothing. I lead her by the elbow to a quiet area overlooking the park’s rollercoaster ride and a clear view of the sea. After finally describing my mother’s last day to Dr. Caster, my outlook resembled the view from where I stood. My life was full of possibilities and I wanted only Jade to be a part of it.

“No worries,” she responded lightly. “Look over there. Can you see the silverfish in the water? I can’t believe how clear the weather is today.” She paused, noticing the distracted look on my face. “Okay. What’s up with you? You look so serious.”

I rubbed my hands together nervously. “Cristina, I wanted to see you to personally apologize for everything. These past few weeks have really made me realize how much of a jerk I was towards you. I would never wish what I did to you on anyone else. Someday soon, I hope to be able to make it up to you. You didn’t deserve any of that.”Maybe I should have used the word “ass” instead. Jade’s special word, created just for me.

Her face turned hopeful, anticipatory, as if she expected me to tell her something that I didn’t intend to. “What do you mean make it up to me?”

“I mean be a better friend from now on. I’m sorry for hurting you, for breaking our engagement.”

I guess I was wrong. The look on her face was calm and relaxed. “Oh, Lucas. That was eons ago. I’m fine now. I’ve moved on. You were looking for something that you didn’t find with me, that’s why you couldn’t stay faithful. I’m not making excuses for you, but I’m not one to stay where I’m not wanted.”

“I’m so glad that you’re finally with someone who loves you so much. I want to move on too. I’m planning to take a leave of absence to stay in the States for a month or so.”

“Because of her?” She knew about Jade. We’d talked about her many times, especially after my disastrous trip to Chicago. “I thought it didn’t end well?”

There were people walking up and down the sidelines, wondering why we remained standing at the same spot for so long. The truth was that Cristina and I had been here quite a few times, it was a familiar place for us. She loved amusement parks and we visited this place when we first decided to take our relationship to the next level. We weren’t there to take in the sights. We were there because we recognized the need for an informal setting for such a conversation. It brought back memories of the old me.

Wait a minute. There was a new me?

“It didn’t. Her boss called me shortly after that to tell me to stay away from her. I’ve been trying to do that, but now that the deal is closed, I’m going back to see her. I’m waiting to finish my outpatient stint—you know how I’m restricted in terms of travel.”

“I know. But I’m still confused. You said that she basically told you to leave when you were in Chicago. You know nothing about her at this point. What if she has a husband and a family?” Her words stung me unexpectedly. I was shaken by the suggestion. Up until this point, I knew nothing about her. The world we existed in consisted of a one square mile radius—her office, the corner store, the bar, and the hotel across the street.

After she realized what she just said, we both stared out mindlessly into the glass, lulled by the whirring sound of the rollercoaster contrasted by the high-pitched screams of its patrons. She broke the silence by apologizing. “Luke, I didn’t mean anything by that.”