Inside Out (37 page)

So Erin would most likely con Todd or Ben to go grab her a real breakfast at one of the restaurants nearby. They’d assent and bring her back not the bacon, hash browns and two eggs she’d asked for, but something healthier and in line with the dietary restrictions she had due to the blood pressure problems.

She laughed to herself as she dried off and pulled on clothes. Those three were made for each other. Her men would be sure she took care of herself, and she’d do it for them, as well as for the baby. A boy.

Erin had this strong feeling the baby was a girl. Only Todd had known the gender, but the beans had been spilled the day before at the hospital. Ella’s baby gift was that she’d made up three weeks of meals for the three of them, all now safely ensconced in the huge freezer at their apartment. Easy stuff to pop in the oven. She didn’t have a lot of extra money, but she had the time, and she’d made them all in the larger kitchen of the café.

She’d babysit, of course, though she had a very strong feeling Erin wouldn’t want to leave the baby much. After losing Adele, how else would she act?

It was brave.

Ella poured the hot water into the press and dropped bread into the toaster.

A few months back, Erin had told Ella she thought Ella was brave. But Erin had come to her after the attack. Erin, whose reasons for hospital aversion were far more devastating than Ella’s had been. Erin, who’d opened herself up to love with Todd and then Ben. Erin, who’d been able to get past the loss and embrace the future with the baby she carried. Ella could only hope to be half that brave.

As she ate breakfast and sipped her coffee, she called and checked in. Erin had explained that they were going to keep her there a few more days, but that she still wasn’t able to have visitors other than Ben, Todd and her brothers.

Ella insisted she’d stop by later to bring some books and magazines for her, and also said she’d check in on the café. Erin had tried to argue but in the end had thanked her, and they’d talked a bit more about the baby. Ella hadn’t said anything about Ben and Cope’s father; it wasn’t necessary and it would only make Erin upset.

There was a buzz from the front door intercom, so she ended her call and found it was Andrew, who she let through. Most people would have left their front door ajar, but Ella wasn’t most people. So she waited for him, opening the door when he got there.

Immediately he embraced her, and her worries fell away.

“Morning, Red. Mmmm, you smell good.”

He kissed her, and she gave over to it, letting the way he tasted run riot through her.

“How are you this morning? I’ve got coffee. Want some?” She turned, leaving her hand in his, leading him to the kitchen.

“Busy. Spoke with Ben to check in on Erin. I suppose you’ve done that too?”

He sat, and she looked at him, liking how the light from the pale morning outside backlit his body.

“I did. She’s in good spirits. Though she did tell me that after she gave birth she’s sending someone out right away to get her a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich.” She turned, smiling at the idea as she poured a cup of coffee for him.

“I’m sorry.”

She sat next to him, tucking a leg beneath her, and sipped her own coffee. “For what?”

“If I told you I cheated on you last night, would you break up with me?”

She stood, spilling coffee on herself, cursing as she moved to clean it up. “What? Why? Why would you do that?” Her heart raced, and she felt like throwing up.

“I didn’t. God, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you believe that. I was trying to make some other point, and now I see how stupid it was. I didn’t cheat on you, Ella.”

She wanted to throw the rest of the coffee in his face just then. Instead, she punched his arm and kicked her couch, which really hurt and made her even madder at him. “Why would you do that? Why would you say such a thing to me? If you want to break up, be a man and do it without mind-fucking me.”

“I’m
scared
. All right?” He put his hands out, open palms facing her, and her heart softened. But she still didn’t let him any closer.

“That you’ll cheat on me?” Had she always wondered if she was enough? Maybe. She’d seen the way other women looked at him. Had watched him flirt hundreds of times. It came to him naturally. No, no that was stupid. He was different; he did love her, and doubts were stupid.

“I’m such a tool.” He drew her to the couch and sat with her, and she put a pillow in between them. “I’m fucking this up and hurting your feelings.”

“Yes! You are. Dear God, if you’re going to break up with me, just do it! If you’re scared of breaking up, I’m sorry, but you’re ripping me to shreds here, Andrew.”

“I love you. I don’t want to cheat on you. I’m not worried I ever would. I know the difference between what I had before, what I did, who I was with those other women. And who I am now and what we are.”

Where the hell was he going with all this
?

“So why the fuck are you talking about cheating?”

“It was my stupid way of trying to make a point, and it sounded way better in my head than it does out loud. It was a stupid thing, and it has nothing to do with this.” He sounded so miserable, she allowed him to take her hand. “I
am
worried I’m going to fuck up. I’m worried I’ll be an asshole and drive you away and I won’t have you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Suddenly, everything inside her stilled, and she understood why he’d been so pissy, understood his comments about being afraid. He believed, on some level, all the shit his father had told him about being a shallow dumb fuck with a pretty face and no substance.

“Then stop acting like a dingus and just love me. I’m here, aren’t I? Here waiting for you just like I was yesterday and the day before. Like I’ll be tomorrow. I’ve never wanted anyone but you. Even before we were together, I had dates, I had someone I lived with even. But I didn’t
want
any of them with the absolute certainty I have right now. I love you, Andrew.”

“You do?”

She laughed. “Yes, dumb ass. I do. How could you think otherwise?”

“What if I do something stupid, Ella? I’m a stupid type of guy, you just said it yourself.”

“I said you were a dumb ass, and you are.” She took his hand. “But you’re
my
dumb ass, and there’s a universe between dumb ass and stupid. You just told me you were worried about things, but the one thing you weren’t worried about was cheating on me. That’s pretty much my big no-no. Other than hitting me. You planning on that?”

His eyes widened. “No! The only person I want to hit is your ex. Well, and my dad. I’d like to punch him right square in the face. But you’re good and kind and, fuckall, Ella, you’re soft and fragile and everything to me. What if you get sick when you’re carrying our baby? What if you get into a car accident and die? What if I do something terrible and you hate me forever and I have to watch another man love you and make a life with you?”

She didn’t bother replying; he clearly needed to say it all, cycle through it. His anguish was so clear she ached for him, even as she wanted to shake him and tell him there was nothing to worry about. So she held his hand, resting her head against the back of the couch, and listened.

“I watched my brother fall to pieces yesterday over the thought of Erin dying. He’s a stronger man than I am. If he’s scared, what am I? I am not man enough, not brave enough to lose you.”

She leaned in and kissed his temple. “You’re the best man I know, Andrew. I wish you could see that. Ben is a lovely guy. He loves Erin, and she loves him back. He’d slay dragons for her, and that’s great. For Erin. I don’t love Ben. I love you. I love that you take pride in the beauty you’ve made with your hands at your house. I love that you read poetry. It makes me hot and tingly when you recite lines in Spanish when we’re having sex. There’s no one like you, Andrew Copeland.”

“All this anxiety is choking me. I snap at you for doing what you do, for being strong with my dad. For taking care of our friends. You let it pass, and I wonder if I’m like him.”

She burst out laughing at the very idea of Cope being a damned thing like Bill.

“I’m sorry, I’m not mocking you. But if I’d have confronted Bill’s father, or anyone for that matter, he’d have belittled me until I felt like nothing. I wouldn’t have been allowed to be at that hospital yesterday with Erin because he didn’t approve of me having any friends at all. My time was his. That’s how he saw our relationship, and I took it.”

He started to speak, but she stopped him.

“No. I need to get this all out too. I took it, and I hated myself for that. It was that self-loathing that allowed him to control me all those years. It took me a long time to get to the place where I could accept responsibility for my part in the situation. And to admit to myself that I was manipulated and gamed into being nothing. Nothing is easy to shape into something else. And he did. And it was bad. But I am not her anymore.”

She knew what she had to do, so she steeled herself against it. He needed to make the choice. He needed to be away from her and away from her apartment to look at the situation from a ways back and make his choice, out loud, on purpose and to himself, to stay despite the fear. If she let this go right now, how could she know for sure he really wanted to stay and take his chances with her and with fate? It would be there between them if they fought or if they hit a bad patch. She needed him to do this. For both of them.

So she knew she had to be honest and expose herself in the bargain.

“You are the reason. You’re the reason I can say to myself that I deserve love and kindness and a normal relationship where I make decisions for myself and with my partner. When I was afraid, it was
you
who stepped up to give me the tools to combat that last hurdle. The last remnants of fear that held me back.

“On my last full day at the café, I went to buy coffee. The street was crowded, and I had a panic attack. Right there in the open like the freak I am.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I got through it. I went in, spoke with the clerk, paid money and walked out with my coffee. The other day, it was getting dark and I had to get back to my car, which I’d parked in the lot at the RJC in Kent. The courthouse,” she added, to clarify. “It was creepy, and there wasn’t anyone around until I heard footsteps, and the part of me he used to control got freaked out. But the part of me who you’d been training three times a week? Well, that part won. I kept an eye out, had my keys in my hand and I got to my car and drove away. I came up here and we had dinner at your house, and I was fine.”

“You should have told me before now.”

“I’m telling you now so you understand something very important. You gave me the tools to stand up and do the brave thing. I can’t tell you I won’t ever die. I can’t promise that in some random chain of events I won’t get killed in a freak accident or in labor or from a fucking infection from a scratch I get on the asphalt. I can’t. You could lose me tomorrow. You could walk into a client’s house and fall instantly in love with her. You could die in a plane crash. Nothing in life is certain. This used to keep me awake at night because I
needed
things to be certain.

“There are constants, though. You’re the man I love. I can say this all to you now because no matter what happens, you will be the man I love. I will always love you, Andrew. It’s my blessing to have that. It gives me the strength right now to tell you to go.”

“What?”

“You need to work this through. I can take fighting with you. I’m not fragile, baby. Not at all. We can have an argument, and we will survive it. You seem to think I’m so broken that even having a tiff with me will damage me. I know you’re not Bill. Couples fight. But people who love each other don’t try to kill one another. Trust me, please, to understand the difference between what we’ve got and what I was before. You can be a total dick, Andrew. But so what? I can be a bitch. We’re a good match.” She grinned for a moment.

“So why are you kicking me out? I love you; you love me. End of story.”

“Not really. Love isn’t everything. It can’t be. There’s all the day-to-day stuff that fills in the rest. You’re afraid, and I can’t give you guarantees, not in the way you need. I can tell you I love you. I can tell you I’m committed to you, and the thought of me carrying our child fills me with so much joy I can’t do it justice. But I can’t promise not to die. I can’t promise we’ll be together forever. I can promise you I will work my ass off every single day for the rest of my life to keep our relationship working, to be the best person I can. What you need to figure out is if that’s enough.”

She had to pause to wrestle tears away.

“You need to figure out if that is enough for you to stay with me. Because while I respect your need for space to process stuff like this shit with your dad and all the hospital stuff, I don’t plan to have this moment over and over. It’s too much. I need assurances of my own. You need to figure out if your fear will choke you so much you can’t give me all of yourself. I want it all. I want Andy, I want Cope and I want Andrew. The good, the bad, all of it. Because that’s what I deserve and it’s what you deserve. I’m giving you this gift because I love you. Go. Take the time and space you need to figure it out. Don’t call me again until you’re breaking up with me or telling me you’re all mine.”

She stood, and he did as well.

“I love you, Ella.”

She nodded. “I know. I love you too. But that’s not good enough for either of us. Take the time and come back to me.”

He hugged her, his head hanging, and then he was gone and she was alone.

Alone enough to finally free the tears she’d been choking back the entire time she’d made the toughest decision of her entire life. If he didn’t come back, she’d still love him, he’d still have changed her life for the better in so many ways she couldn’t begin to add it all up. But boy, she sure hoped her inner voice was right and that he would figure it out and take the risk she’d asked for.

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