Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2) (12 page)

I feel her hand on my chest and I try to shake her off, but I can’t. “Get your hand off me,” I tell her.

“Calm down, I’m just feeling your heart.” I can feel her hand on my chest, it feels heavy. “You’re fine, babe. Don’t freak out, okay. You’re going to be fine. I won’t leave you.”

I manage to laugh. “Please, Stella, please leave me.”

“Shut up, Pax. I’m not leaving you alone like this.”

“Billy will take care of me, won’t you asshole?”

“Pax… they all went back to the bar like fifteen minutes ago. Holy shit, you’re tripping out.”

“Billy,” I say, maybe I yell.

“Baby, he’s not here. Calm down, okay. I’ll stay with you until you’re better.”

“Fuck,” I mutter, forcing my eyes open. The room looks fuzzy. The only person I see is Stella. She smiles at me and runs her hand over my face.

“This used to happen to you when you were using too much. Are you mixing drugs again, Pax? You’re going to have to take a few days off.”

“I think this only happens when I get my shit from you.”

“Okay, babe. Whatever you say,” she laughs. I feel her hand move down my face and settle on my chest.

“
Stell, take your hand off me.”

“Paxton, stop. I’m just making sure you’re okay. She’s not here to see, okay? I’m not trying to get touchy with you, I’m just making sure you don’t have a heart attack. I’m just taking care of you. I’ve been a good girl. I’ve stayed away. I’m only here because Billy called me and I would have been gone by now but your
friends
left you like they always do when you guys start in with this crap. Don’t you remember how this used to go? You were never much of a social user. It was always all or nothing with you. You’d go get fucked up and disappear from my life for a couple days doing who knows what.  Then when it was too much for you to handle and all you wanted to do is lay around in bed all day, you’d come crawling back into my arms. And where is your girl now? Now that you need her, huh?”

I want to tell Stella to fuck off but speaking is an effort right now.  I try to move off the couch and the room rushes towards me like I’m flying. “Shit.”

“Why are you so scared of me, Paxton?”

“Jesus,
Stell. You think I want to be talking about this shit right now. Fuck off,” I manage to mutter.

“I’m just curious, what did this girl do to you to get your balls so solidly in her hands? Billy told me she’s not in town, you know she’s not gonna come walking through that door, but you’re still terrified of her. You don’t need a girl like that. You deserve better than that.”

“I am terrified. I’m terrified that you are gonna fuck us up. I’m terrified she’s gonna leave me. Yeah, I am, because I can’t live without her and look at me now. I’m paralyzed, stuck in a room with your yappy, manipulative mouth.”

“Can you just chill out. There’s no reason for us to hate each other. It used to be us, Pax. We were always good together.”

“Let’s not get carried away,” I tell her, focusing my eyes on a neon sign across the room, trying to get anything to look right so I can get up and get out of here.

“Is she coming back for your show at
The Lincoln?”

“Stop talking about her.”

“So…
no
. Doesn’t she realize what a big deal this is? That’s the kind of shit I’m talking about. I never missed one of your shows.”

“Please, Stella… fuck off and die already.” I laugh, the vibration shakes my whole head and I lose my focus on the sign.

“That’s a shitty thing to say,” she says with no humor in her voice. “You shouldn’t want me dead. All I ever did was love you. It hurts to feel like all that time we spent together meant nothing to you.”

“Jesus… just shut up. Please.”

I feel her head on my shoulder and a flash of light pops in front of my eyes. “What the fuck,” I say, closing them but the bright light stays.

“What, Pax?” she asks.

“Nothing,” I tell her, opening my eyes, slowly moving them around the room, waiting for things to look right again. “I need to get out of here.”

“You want me to bring you home?”

“Hell, no,” I push myself up into a sitting position and feel her hand, that I didn’t realize was still resting on my heart, move away and onto my arm. My body still feels like cement so I give it a minute. The room is starting to look clearer.

The door opens then and
Vi and Jimmy are standing there. “Thank God,” I mutter. “What’s wrong with you assholes, leaving me like that? Jesus, Jimmy, you motherfucker.” I tell him as he walks towards me, Vi is still hanging back by the door. She’s got her hand up to her face. I’m sure she’s giving Stella the evil eye, but I can’t see clear enough to tell.

“What the hell are you doing?” Jimmy asks me.

“How the hell are the rest of you bastards fine? I feel like I was hit by a truck and I’m tripping balls. That shit is laced.”

“You guys need to keep him off the blow for a while. This happens to him every time and you guys just ditch him,” Stella tells Jimmy.

“Shit, Pax. I didn’t realize.”

“Just get me out of here,” I tell him, forcing myself off the couch, moving like a crippled old man.

“What the hell,” he says, putting his hand on my chest, helping me get fully erect.

I blink my eyes hard and wh
en I open them I can see more clearly. I head towards the door telling Stella, “Thanks for nothing.”

“No problem, babe,” she tells me.

Vi and Jimmy help me out of the room. I head to the back door rather than through the front one. “Did you drive, Vi?”

“
Yeah, Pax,” she says, sounding annoyed.

We make it to the car and I happily sink down into the passenger seat, making Jimmy get in the back. “Are you coming home tonight?” she asks me.

“If you’re gonna take care of me – yeah.”

“So typical, Pax. You are a no show in my life all week. Both my roommates are gone. Then you drag my man into this messed up shit and now you want me to take care of you?”

“Yeah, Vi. I need you to take care of me.”

“You’re lucky Pax, that I love you.”

“That’s what you keep telling me.”

Chapter 12 - Jessa

Every day that passes, I’m hit with another realization that Pax is not who I thought he was. Or, more accurately, we are not who I thought we were. I mean, it’s Paxton’s M.O. to transform himself and hide the other Paxtons who live in his past and in different cities, but I really didn’t think
my
Paxton was one of those guys. But he is. I don’t know the asshole who is currently living Paxton’s life. 

Beyond the fact that I have been living with
my new frenemy – Stella’s Instagram account – which I have yet to ask Pax about because I don’t want to start drama before their show- there is a whole other myriad of shit that is making me question who Paxton really is. It’s clear, by his lack of phone calls, that all that bullshit he spews about how he can’t live without me is a lie. Clearly, he lied about his relationship with Stella. And I don’t even know what to think about the fact that he picked up his cocaine habit within hours after my leaving. The guy I know, the one who made damn sure that he and I didn’t get anywhere near the people and the problems that plagued him last time around, wouldn’t have gone anywhere near the drug that already destroyed him once. It’s obvious, that Paxton still has no idea who the hell he is or what he wants. Which is a huge blow to everything I thought I had with him. 

Every minute that I’ve spent away from him has been awful, b
ut things completely fell apart yesterday. 

Early in the evening l learned, via Stella’s
Instagram account, that Polly had their run through at The Lincoln and…. Yay! It went great. There were pictures and everything.  So considering that Stella was with her ‘baby’ and that I had already talked to him once that day, I really wasn’t expecting to get a call from him that evening. But I did. Two in one day – totally shocking. But I was in the shower when he called. I checked my phone as soon as I got out, like the obedient girlfriend I am, and I called him right back. But he didn’t answer. In fact, he didn’t answer any of the multiple calls I made before finally giving up and calling Violet instead.

She was on her way to The Bottle to meet Jimmy and the guys, which was one more thing to add to the list
of the things this new Paxton did. Apparently hanging out at bars is acceptable again now that I’m gone. But as she made her way to the table, with me attached to her ear, she said Pax wasn’t there. I felt a little relieved… right before I overheard Billy tell her he was in the backroom… with Stella. Even then, I didn’t freak out. He was probably with a group of people… he and Stella were probably on opposite sides of the room. But then Vi let out a loud gasp because no… they weren’t with a group of people. It was just the two of them. And no, they were not on opposite side of the room, they were on a couch together, her hands were on him. And, just as a side note, Vi let me know that his phone that he wasn’t answering was on the coffee table in front of him.

And then she fucking let me go because she had to go tend to her poor
friend Paxton. Which was fine, I had my frenemy and like the reliable bitch she was turning out to be, less than five minutes after Vi had hung up on me, I had a picture of the cute little couple. Her arm wrapped around him, her head resting on his shoulder, him looking… completely at ease with the situation.
Kicking back with my baby after a long day of rehearsals #paxandstell #mybabyandme #readyforbed #livinginlove

So, yeah
, things are awesome.
#FuckingKillMePlease.

I take another giant swallow of my beer and try to forget about my drama and focus on my friends. I’m sitting around a fire with my favorite people from home, and not around a
keggar with my former classmates which includes, perpetually drunk and trying to rekindle a romance that was born at a similar keggar, Dylan. I should be happy. But after the night I had, followed by a day of dress shopping with Nat and her bubbly bridesmaids, and with no missed calls from Paxton, I am ready to drink a gallon of whatever hard alcohol anyone is willing to pass my way. Not literally- that would probably kill me and I’m managing to not be suicidal even though Paxton’s ass is cause for severe depression. Currently, it’s just a bottle of beer in my hand, but I’m on my third one so hopefully I can pass out in record time.

Emily ran into the cabin to put Daisy down for the night. As she walks back to us, Danny reaches out and grabs a hold of her tiny waist and pulls her down to his lap. She lingers there for a moment, wrapping her arms around his neck and smiling, talking quietly with him. His hands have wandered under her ass and he pulls her close to him and ducks his head to put his
mouth on her neck. I can practically feel her arousal, but I watch as she pulls away from him and puts her hands on his chest. She gives him a quick kiss on his lips, but then she shimmies out of his hold and makes her way back to her chair which is sided up against mine.

“I know what you’re doing,
Em,” I tell her with a genuine smile on my face.

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re pissing him off – you know that right? I appreciate you keeping the PDA on the down low for my benefit, but I don’t want you putting stress on your relationship because you don’t want to flaunt your true love in my face.”

“Shut up. I’m not doing that for you. I’m doing it for me. I’m not spending one second of your week at home wrapped up in him. I get him always… but you are leaving me in three days. Which totally sucks. I hate having you gone.”

“I’ve been thinking about it, Em… I don’t know if I can go back there. I think I might be sticking around here for longer than I thought.”

“What?” she asks, turning to me and cocking her head. “Shi
t, I knew something was wrong with you today… I mean besides, you know, dress shopping with Nat’s cousins and Luke’s sisters,” she mutters and I laugh. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really, but I am going to tell you so that you know better than to tell me that he loves me and Stella is his past. Actually, here,” I tell her, pulling out my phone and handing it to her. Ever since I found out about Stella’s
Instagram account my phone just automatically opens up to it. Currently it’s on the picture of them from last night.

“What the….? Are you kidding me?” Emily stutters as my phone rings. I hold my hand out for it, but she answers it instead
of handing it over. “Hello…. Oh, hi Violet, this is Emily, Jessa’s friend from home…. You too… Hold on, I’ll put Jessa on.”

Vi’s
been calling all day but I didn’t pick up because I couldn’t have the conversation that I knew we were going to have while dress shopping with Nat. And honestly, I don’t know if I even want to talk to her or Pax because then it will be time to face the music. Then I will have to admit that things with us are over. Then I’m going to have to hear about him and Stella.

“Hey,
Vi.”

“Why haven’t you been answering your phone today?”

“Sorry, we were shopping for Natalie’s wedding all day and now I’m with everyone hanging out.”

“Okay, but… don’t you want to know what’s going on after last night?”

“I don’t know Vi – not really, to tell you the truth.”

“Well I’m going to tell you anyway.”

“Give me a second, I’m gonna go inside.” I don’t want to have a complete breakdown in front of everyone and it’s clear in Vi’s voice that what she has to tell me isn’t good. I head into Emily and Danny’s cabin and settle on the couch with Daisy. “Okay,” I tell her.

“So, Paxton’s home. I don’t know what he put in his body last night but he was tripping out like crazy. Jimmy and I got him home and into bed and he was talking about you, mumbling, going on and on and then he finally passed out. He’s been sleeping all day. He got up for an hour this afternoon and called you a few times, but then he went back to sleep.”

“He never called me today,” I tell her.

“Yeah, he did. He doesn’t have his phone. He lost it somewhere last night.”

“Did you check the back room at The Bottle? I thought you said he had it with him.”

“What? Yeah, Jimmy went looking for it today, but it wasn’t anywhere. Anyway, Jess, I’m worri
ed about him. I’ve seen him like this before and I’m worried about him. Is there any way you can get home? I think he needs you.”

I laugh and shake my head. “Vi, he was at the bar with Stella last night. Why don’t you call her?”

“Come on, Jess. It wasn’t like that. He was, like, delusional.”

I shake my head again. This is the problem with the fact that my only friends in that city are Paxton’s friends. Violet is totally brushing past the
fact that he was alone in a room with Stella who had her hands all over him, easily forgiving him and not giving a shit that I might be upset about it. And even if he was ‘delusional’ Stella was at The Lincoln with him. Was he tripping out then, too? I’m not gonna talk to her about it because, despite the fact that I shouldn’t care, their show is tomorrow and all of them, including Violet, are stressed out about it and need it to go well. I’m not gonna start drama. At least not until after tomorrow. “I don’t have a car, Vi. I’ll be back on Sunday,” I tell her, although I’m pretty sure that’s not true either. After I have it out with Paxton I don’t think I’ll be returning to his life.

“What if I came and picked you up?”

“Are you crazy? Your piece of shit car could not make it to Minnesota and back. Vi, seriously, he’s going to be busy tomorrow getting ready to play. He won’t even know I’m gone. I’m sure everyone will be out celebrating all night so he will be recovering all day Saturday and then I’ll be back. I need to be here right now. Natalie’s got wedding stuff going on all weekend.”

“Yeah, okay, it’s just… I don’t like this. I don’t like what happens to him when he’s not with you. He’s like a whole different person and that person is that same kid that almost died and couldn’t live without his drugs.”

My heart contracts because I don’t want to think about Paxton like that. I don’t want him to be self-destructive and it hurts to think about him almost dying. If I had a car I probably would be in it right now, diving back to him.

“Who are you talking to?” I hear Paxton’s groggy voice ask
Vi.

“It’s Jessa.”

“Give me the phone,” he tells her and then I hear his breath on the other end of the line. “Beso?” he says, sounding beat down and desperate.

“Are you okay, Pax?”
I whisper, my body shaking at the sound of his voice. My anger already melting away just because I can hear him and feel him. 

“No… not really,” he says through a long breath. “I’m fucking shit up. Everything is fucked up.” I can hear the pain in his voice and I don’t want to ask for specifics because I’m pretty sure they will include Stella.

“Why are you doing that?”

“You told me, beso, that you wouldn’t take yourself away from me. I told you this would happen if you did that.”

My sadness is taken over by anger in an instant. Whatever he did with Stella is my fault. That’s how he’s going to play this. “I didn’t realize you meant that in the literal sense, Pax,” I mutter. “Every time I have to leave for a couple of days, this is what I’m going to get? You immediately fall back into your old life like I never even existed. That’s fucked up, Pax.”

“No, I mean… shit. This is my fault. I should know better. I should have known that that one line was gonna lead to dozens more. I can’t do this without you. I don’t know who I am without you.”

“That’s a bad excuse. You didn’t even try. You didn’t even try to hold onto me. I should have been able to come home and you should have kept me inside of you, but you forgot all about us the minute I left town,” I tell him, crying silent tears because the truth hurts.

“No, beso. That’s not right. I just… fuck, I just need you here.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Pax. I’m not there.”

“Jesus, why can’t you just give me something… anything…
. How am I supposed to hold onto you when all you give me is this indifference? Yeah, I fucked up when I started in with the blow, but you… you don’t even have an excuse. You could give a shit less that we’re apart. It doesn’t even affect you. How the fuck do you think that makes me feel? I literally can’t live without you and you…just head out of town with no warning and once you get there you are just living your life, with no fucking emotions, not even missing me, not even needing to talk to me. What the fuck? It hurts.”

I’m literally shaking with anger now, but I’m holding onto reality, a little bit. I can’t do this with him right now. I can’t blow up on him right now, but I’m not gonna listen to this bullshit and not say anything. “You think it doesn’t hurt to be away from you? Since the minute I left you
I’ve done nothing but think about you and miss you. That’s all I fucking do.  You love to tell me that you miss me, that you need me, but what have you done? What have you done that is so epic that proves that your love for me is real and that my love for you is nothing? Words aren’t enough for me Paxton. You don’t give a shit and I’m tired of you trying to tell me that I’m the one who doesn’t care. Seriously… fuck off.”

“
What’s going on here?” he whispers. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t fight with me.”