Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It (16 page)

Too often, people let the stresses of daily life bump their relationships to the bottom of the priority list. They lose a sense of closeness with their partners, to the point that each basically leads separate lives. As someone with attachment-related anxiety, you have the advantage of essentially having an early warning system for this. As the two of you begin to drift apart, it will hurt—and this can prompt you to reach out to your partner. If your partner doesn’t seem as bothered by the distance, it’s important to know that he is nevertheless probably feeling the loss of connection on some level, or
will
feel it if the pattern continues. Hopefully, with encouragement from you, the two of you can work to become closer again.

To close the gap that exists (or prevent the distance from growing), it is essential that you and your partner do the daily “work” of relationships to connect, support each other, and enjoy each other’s company. You can do this in three basic ways:

Touch base daily.
This means that you must talk daily about what’s happened earlier that day or what your plans are for the next day. These conversations will help you stay in sync and provide a chance for you to support each other through both difficult and exciting times. Your conversation could be as short as ten minutes, but it is still important.

If you tend not to pursue interests separately from your partner, these conversations can be a way for your partner to support and encourage you in expanding your horizons. Pursuing your own interests can give you a chance to feel excited and fulfilled, and can serve as an opportunity to bring this positive energy into the relationship.

Spend quality time together.
Without shared experiences, there isn’t much of a relationship. This might seem obvious, but again, couples frequently get caught up in their activities apart from each other. So make plans each week to go out for dinner or to a festival, or just to take walks and chat.

Combine forces on a shared project.
Often couples find that this also helps to unite them. In many cases, the biggest shared project is that of raising children. However, you can also work together on other goals, such as decorating your home or investing yourselves in a worthy cause.

Love isn’t just how you feel; it is the act of showing that you care about your partner for your partner’s sake. And for your relationship to succeed in the long term, you must love
and
be loved. This means that you and your partner must act in ways that help you both to feel valued, cared about, and wanted.

To create such a loving connection, do what you can to accentuate the positive in your partner and your relationship. Consider this a guiding principle in maintaining a happy relationship. As you will see in the following exercises, there are many little ways that you can do this every day. The better you are at making these behaviors a regular part of your lives, the happier you will be as a couple.

Exercise: Heighten Your Attraction with Activity

Sexual attraction is essential in keeping your romance alive, whether you are with a prospective partner or in an established relationship. And this attraction is intensified by physical arousal. Research has shown that physical arousal can be generated by any source, from exercising to experiencing intense emotions, such as anger, sadness, and excitement (Pines, 2005). But your mood also influences attraction: you are more likely to feel attracted to someone and to express this when you are in a good mood rather than in a bad one.

If attachment-related anxiety has generally driven your attraction, then it is particularly important to find other, healthier ways to excite sexual attraction and enhance romantic interest. What follow are some suggestions for activities to do alone before your date or with your partner—though you might want to think of your own ideas.

• Bicycling
  
• Hiking
  
• Rollerblading
  
• Playing tennis
  
• Brisk walks
  
• Dancing
  
• Going to concerts
  
• Watching emotionally charged movies—say action, comedy, or romance
  
• Traveling to new places
  

Engaging in these physically arousing and fun experiences can open up a whole new world for you. Rather than relying on your fear of rejection to fan the flames of your passion, you can feel attracted to someone who also helps you to feel emotionally safe.

Exercise: Show Your Love

One of the best ways to express your love is to show it with physical affection. You can do this in countless ways. You might hold hands, hug, offer a shoulder or foot massage, or even just quickly and gently touch your partner’s back. And, of course, there’s making love.

Equally important to touching your partner is really taking in when your partner touches you. A sure way to feel loved is to soften and absorb that touch. If you are distracted by thinking about other things or minimize the touch by thinking it doesn’t mean anything, then you are, in that moment, failing to take in your partner’s love. So pay attention.

Touch comes more easily to some people than others. If you and your partner tend not to be physically affectionate, then you might want to work on touching more—and maybe even get your partner to join you. Many people make it a part of their routine to hug each morning or evening. (I’m talking about an extended taking-each-other-in hug, not a quick clench-and-release.) You and your partner might try that or try giving each other back or foot massages. You might also begin just by cuddling while watching TV. It’s okay if this feels awkward at first. With practice, you will find that the discomfort lessens and is replaced by a feeling of comfort and warmth.

Exercise: Make Compliments a Habit

Just as physical contact can strengthen your relationship, so too can words. They can be expressed in powerfully touching ways. For instance, there was the wonderful moment in the movie
As Good as It Gets
(1997) when obsessive-compulsive, misanthropic, and generally off-putting Melvin (Jack Nicholson) says to Carol (Helen Hunt), “You make me want to be a better man.”

Your compliments don’t always have to be that dramatic. Often, the best compliments are simple observations that express appreciation for your partner. You might let your partner know that he is a wonderful cook or that she is a patient mother. Then there is always the heartfelt “I love you.” When you share these positive sentiments on a regular basis, you both can’t help but feel better for it.

So, if your relationship is short on compliments, change that. Make it a habit to compliment your partner at least once every day. And if your partner is also short on compliments, talk with her about this. You might even ask her to read this section. Then make a pact for both of you to compliment each other one time each day for a week. Check in at the end of that week to see how it went. Let each other know how being complimented felt. (That’s also a good thing to do right after you receive a compliment.) Then you might want to recommit to another week. Keep doing this—making a commitment to compliment each other daily for some specified length of time and then checking in afterward. Repeating this exercise will help turn it into a habit that you actively encourage together.

Exercise: Loving Actions

Doing nice things for each other often comes naturally during the beginning of a relationship. He buys you flowers. You send him a thoughtful text. You both recognize and celebrate special occasions, such as birthdays or significant accomplishments. Often, however, relationships go through periods of time when partners take each other for granted and don’t put much effort into caring for each other. During these times, partners feel disconnected and alone, or even rejected.

If you are in a new relationship and your partner is not displaying caring actions (or is very inconsistent in doing so), then you would be wise to at least question whether he is the right person for you. Ask yourself whether the electricity you feel is really more anxiety about, or fear of, rejection, and whether your partner’s attachment style is triggering this. Review the “Panning for Gold” section in chapter 8, which addresses pursuit-withdrawal relationships.

It’s important that you
and
your partner make conscious efforts to do things that say you care and want to make the other happy. However, you may not really know what would, or does, make your partner happy, and the same could be true for him. This possibility is uncomfortable for many people. They believe that their partner should know what makes them happy without being told, and that telling their partner what they like invalidates the action itself. However, it’s unfair to expect others—even those who love you—to read your mind. Also, to be upset about this is to miss the point that when your partner wants to hear what makes you happy and then acts on it, it says something positive about him. Really, explicitly stating what you want is a no-lose proposition.

So, with this in mind, read the following exercise on asking for what you want. If you feel ready to tackle it, ask your partner to read it, too, or explain it to him. If either of you is hesitant about doing this, take the time to think and talk about what makes you hesitant. For instance, some people feel that sharing what they want opens them up to being rejected, or might make them seem needy. Hopefully, by talking openly you can reassure each other that you simply want to make each other happy. After you’ve talked, you might feel ready to work on the exercise as it is written; or you might choose to simplify it, as I will explain in the first step.

Make a list of actions your partner could take that would make you feel loved.
This could be something that he already does or used to do, or something that you’d like him to do. Be concrete. For instance, you might write: bring me water for my nightstand every evening, hold my hand when we walk together, tell me you love me, sit next to me when we watch TV, or accompany me to a basketball game. Steer clear of asking for something that has been the source of conflicts or tension. Also, do not share this list with each other yet.

If you want to begin a bit more slowly, each of you can pick just two actions that you would like the other to do. Pick ones that you think would be acceptable—maybe something that your partner used to do or has offered to do on occasion. Later, after you have experienced positive results, you can move to doing this exercise in its full form.

Talk about what it would be like to share your lists.
Share both positive and negative feelings. You might begin by saying that you are looking forward to hearing his requests. But you might also share that you are uncomfortable with the exercise. Perhaps you fear sounding demanding or having him reject everything you ask for. As you talk, it is the job of your partner to listen, express his understanding, and offer support. Then switch roles. (If this essentially repeats a conversation you had when preparing to do this exercise, that’s okay. Reinforcing support for each other is often helpful.)

Read your lists to each other.
One partner reads each item slowly so the other partner has a chance to hear and consider the request. The two of you might want to talk about some items, perhaps reminiscing about when your partner used to do those things or clarifying what is really being asked. Remember that these are requests, not demands. At the end, the listening partner should name one or two items that he is comfortable with and agrees to do.

In the unlikely event that the listener is not comfortable with any items, both of you will benefit from him explaining his discomfort, reaffirming a desire to make you happy, and suggesting other loving actions. Take time to talk through this exchange until you are both comfortable.

Then change roles; the listener becomes the one who shares and vice versa.

Review the exercise after about one week.
Share thoughts and feelings about the exercise. In particular, express appreciation for each other’s efforts. You might want to repeat the exercise, perhaps making improvements based on feedback, or even add some more ways you can express your love.

If you and your partner enjoy each other’s company, it seems natural that you would feel good about yourself and develop gratitude for having your partner in your life. Unfortunately, your ability to be grateful in this way might be impaired by attachment struggles. Instead of feeling good about your partner’s expressions of love, you might see this as a trait belonging to him, such as him being a loving person, rather than relating to something about you, such as you having an enticing
joie de vivre
. So, instead of feeling better about yourself, you might be grateful to your partner for loving someone so unworthy or flawed as you. To complicate matters, you might build resentments toward your partner, who will inevitably fail at times to meet your needs. Or, even when you do enjoy your current relationship, you might find that it is a painful reminder of relationships in your past that began happily but soured over time. In these and other ways, your positive feelings can transform into unhappiness and reinforce a feeling that you are unworthy of love.

If you relate to this experience, it’s very important that you learn to take in your partner’s positive view of you and to keep in mind ways in which you value your partner. Review the following two exercises, which are designed to help you do just that. Complete whichever one you think might work for you; or do both if you wish.

Exercise: Mindful Gratitude

You can increase your gratitude by choosing to be aware of and appreciate qualities in yourself and your partner. Consider doing one or more of the following practices on a regular basis:

Focus on what your partner values in you.
Work on experiencing acceptance and gratitude for these qualities. Truly listen to her expressions of love and allow them to wash over you as you absorb them.

Focus on what you respect, admire, and are drawn to in your partner.
Just think about these things. As positive feelings arise, acknowledge them and choose to be grateful for your partner. When you are upset with your partner for any reason, choose to return to these thoughts as a way to balance (but not dismiss) your negative feelings. This is particularly important to do if you tend to lose sight of your partner’s good qualities when you are upset with her.

Focus on the ways in which you and your partner are a great team.
Reminisce about good times you’ve had—whether they were earlier in the day or in years past. Accept, absorb, and treasure all the ways that the two of you create a loving relationship together.

Keep in mind that these practices are likely to show significant and lasting results only if you make doing them an ongoing part of your life.

Exercise: Carry a Gratitude List

The following exercise for nurturing gratitude is based on research conducted by Briñol, Gascó, Petty, and Horcajo (2013). This research found that people can get rid of thoughts, just like they do physical items—by throwing them in the garbage. Similarly, they can keep and treasure thoughts, just like physical items; and in doing so, be more affected by them.

This exercise is structured to help you nurture gratitude in a similar way for positive qualities in your partner and your relationship.

Write about the qualities that you appreciate in your partner.
When you complete this, read it over slowly, allowing yourself to really feel good about your partner and to be grateful for having him in your life.

Write about the qualities of your relationship that you appreciate.
When you complete this, read it over slowly, allowing yourself to really feel good about your relationship and to be grateful for having it in your life.

Keep the lists close by and accessible.
Research indicates that you are more likely to be influenced by this paper if you keep it with you, such as in your pocket. Whether you keep it there or elsewhere, you will benefit from reading it on a regular basis. This will help you to naturally incorporate these thoughts into your attitude toward your partner and your relationship.