Insatiable: Porn — a Love Story (20 page)

July 31

Watching the Olympics, we are back in Toni’s Barcelona house. Is it just me, or are gymnasts getting fatter? I thought they were supposed to be so anorexic that their periods stopped . . . or was that ballerinas?

September 1

Vacation officially over, back in L.A. Luckily, I didn’t find my dignity. I’ll be back on set tomorrow.

Currently feeling very international. Americans are cultureless.

September 15

Last night I cried my eyeballs out. It’s too embarrassing to even say why.

I got home from my DP scene, and still horny when I got home, I went straight for Toni’s dick.

He told me, “I just jerked off before you got here.”

So I left him alone.

Later at night when we were watching a movie, I asked him what he thought about when he jerked off. I don’t expect him to think about me, but I guess I was just curious. And I guess secretly a part of me was hopeful he would say he thought about me.

This motherfucker proceeds to tell me he went on to a webcam website and jerked off while a girl showed him her ass.

What the fuck?

I laughed it off, continued to watch the movie, but less than five minutes later I was uncontrollably crying. Toni acted annoyed (which I guess is reasonable) and that made everything worse and basically I ended up crying in the guest room all night, screaming, “Why couldn’t you just lie to me, whyyyyy?!”

I don’t even know why I’m being so sensitive. It’s not even realistic to think he would jerk off thinking about the person he has sex with in real life, every single day. But for some reason I am deeply, deeply offended. It just goes to show you—for every woman you jerk off to, there’s a tired husband/boyfriend/significant other jerking off to some other bitch.

October 5

Bored makes me horny makes me masturbate makes me useless makes me bored makes me horny makes me masturbate makes me useless makes me bored makes me horny makes me masturbate makes me useless makes me bored . . .

October 19

Fuck. My period is late. I can’t even think about this right now. Toni is the only one who cums inside of me but . . . What if??? I can’t even think about this right now.

October 20

Period still not here. Freaking out.

October 21

Omg thank fucking god thank you thank you thank you I got my period today. Phew!

I’ve been pregnant twice before.

The first time was when I was nineteen. I hardly remember it. It was with Eddie, and at the time, it really didn’t seem like a big deal. Most of my friends had been through an abortion, and if anything, I was excited to join them in the ranks of women who had had that experience.

The second time was different. I was twenty-one, and the baby belonged to the same guy. I was doing tons of Oxy, so the morning sickness wasn’t an issue; I was throwing up every day anyway.

When I found out, I had been doing the master cleanse. It’s a detox program, designed to cleanse your liver and kidneys, but I was doing it to lose weight. Basically, it’s anorexia with a twist. Food is forbidden; the only thing ingested is a mixture of hot water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. I, of course, was ingesting OxyContin in addition.

The cleanse itself is miserable. You can’t go out, because you have no energy. You can’t hang out with people, because they’ll eventually have to eat, and the temptation is too much to resist. You can’t even watch TV, because the risk of a food commercial playing, or a character in a show eating, is too high. I don’t know how I did it, but I made it to ten days.

On the tenth day, I don’t know what prompted me, but I took a pregnancy test. My period was always fucked-up because of 1) the opiates and 2) the fact that I was always forgetting to take my birth control pill. The test came back positive. Fucked-up from having ingested nothing but painkillers and lemon juice for the past ten days, I hardly had the energy to call anyone. Eddie and I were breaking up, and we hadn’t even spoken for weeks; I certainly didn’t have the energy to deal with him. I called my friend Jay.

“I’m pregnant.”

He took me to the same abortion clinic I had been to before. There’s nothing quite as humbling as going in for an abortion and your name already being on file. Embarrassingly familiar with the process, we zipped through the building easily. When it came time for my sonogram, I was informed I had been pregnant for three months already.

“Would you like to see the baby?” the doctor asked. I declined her offer.

“Because of how far along you are in your pregnancy, we’ll need to put sticks in you today to stretch out your cervix. We can continue with the procedure tomorrow.”

I didn’t understand what she meant, but I agreed to go ahead with it. I knew I didn’t want a baby. Especially not with my ex.

They showed me the “sticks,” and that’s exactly what they were. Tiny wooden sticks, which could have been mistaken as toothpicks. It didn’t look threatening to me, so I didn’t get nervous.

I had never felt pain like that in my life. I also didn’t realize the sticks would be inserted in me
sideways
. The pain was so great, I passed out. When I came to, I heard the nurses yelling at each other in Spanish, in a panic.

“You scared us,” one of them told me as I sipped on a boxed apple juice. “Your face was as white as this sheet.”

I went home that day, and the pain was so bad, I was hunched over screaming. Jay lay next to me in my bed. I’d be getting my abortion the next day, so I stayed away from any kind of my usual drugs.

The pain eventually got so bad, I called the clinic. They told me not to take anything, since I was going into surgery the next day, but I couldn’t sleep. Somewhere in my pain and druggy logic, I decided it would be okay to take a Xanax to finally get some sleep.

Jay took me back to the clinic the next day. Seeing the physical pain I was experiencing, they rushed me through. When I woke up, I threw up all over myself. I was still in pain, but not nearly as much as when the sticks had been in me.

Because he had to go to work, Jay had called Eddie to come pick me up. Still groggy from the anesthesia, it took me a second to realize someone was in the backseat when I got into his car.

“What the fuck is Eug doing here?”

“We were playing poker, and I asked if he wanted to come with me to come get you.”

I turned around to look at Eug.

“I didn’t know where we were picking you up from,” he sheepishly said, avoiding eye contact.

As we drove back home, my pain got worse. I could feel the blood coming out of me, soaking the pad they had given me to wear on my underwear. When I got out of the car, there was a pool of blood in the passenger’s seat. Eug looked at me in horror.

“I gotta go pick up some money,” Eddie said as he drove off. Eug decided to stay with me. We ordered food, smoked weed, and watched TV as I spent the rest of the day changing the bloody towels on the bed.

I feel like that was my first step to getting off the Oxys.

October 22

My ass hurts. The cheeks, not the hole. (Legs day at the gym.)

October 23

I heard a funny story while getting my blood drawn for my monthly STD test. Apparently some guy went in a week ago, looking to get into the industry. He had obviously never taken an STD test before, because when he came out of the bathroom, his urine cup was filled with semen.

HA-HA!

It reminded me of a story Ivan told me a few years ago. He was shooting a girl’s first anal scene, and when he handed her an enema to clean her butt out, she opened the cap right there on the spot, in front of everyone, and drank the solution.

October 27

I did a scene with a BBW today. That means Big Beautiful Woman; basically a fat girl. It was my first time, and it was amazing. There was so much to grab, I got so into it. We fucked all over the place, and even after the cameras were off I kept eating her pussy. She smelled a little different from other girls. I liked it. Plus, it made me feel really skinny.

October 28

Last night I had that dream again where I’m cheating on my diet. I kept saying, “I shouldn’t, or should I?” as I ate every pastry in sight.

Needless to say, I woke up feeling horrible.

I think I’ll go to yoga to clear this negative energy before today’s orgy scene. I wanna go in with a positive attitude.

November 1

Went to the nail place the other day with Mia and her sister. A fan recognized me from outside the shop and came in. He offered to pay for my manicure. I laughed it off and told him no, thank you very much for the offer, but I couldn’t possibly, and then remembered Mia and her sister.

I half joked, “I’ll take you up on your offer if you pay for my friends, too.”

The gentleman declined and left. But ten minutes later, he came back with a note in his hand. “I changed my mind. I’ll pay for all your manicures.”

He paid, gave me the note, shook all of our hands, and left.

We high-fived as we left the shop and congratulated ourselves on scoring free manicures, and I read the note aloud in the car. It included his phone number and email address.

That was two weeks ago, and now I need another manicure. But I’m scared to go back by myself. I think I’ll just try a new spot.

November 3

Was bored on set today and had the random urge to see if the domain “
hooker.com
” was taken. It was. I thought I was being funny, but when it loaded on my phone, the first picture to pop up was me on my knees with cum all over my face. Talk about a reality check.

November 12

Yesterday while Toni was on set, I looked at his Twitter. He posted a picture of himself with Renee, and they were on a massage table.

“You got a massage today, lucky,” I texted him.

“No. I gave the massage.” He corrected me.

“Ooohhh.”

“You massaged too, right? I saw your Instagram,” he asked.

“No. I was a doctor.” I corrected him.

Being in a porno couple is funny.

November 13

I just saw the commercial for a romantic comedy starring Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones and nearly vomited. Nothing but respect for Meryl Streep, but old people falling in love is just gross.

November 14

Saw a psychic for a show on BBC today. She said I wouldn’t win any AVN Awards this year. What the fuck . . .

November 21

When I was younger, my grandmother (RIP) used to tell me about the time she cracked a raw egg open and inside was a dead chicken fetus.

Someone told me today that the eggs we eat aren’t fertilized.

Until this moment, every time I cracked an egg open, I had a split second of fear that an egg miscarriage would come falling out of the shell.

I feel like my whole life has been a huge lie.

Also: Am I crazy, or is it weird that vegetarians eat eggs? It’s kind of abortion-ish.

November 28

Hearing my thirty-seven-year-old boyfriend play video games upstairs while talking shit into an earpiece is something I never thought would happen to me.

November 29

I was masturbating this morning and my fucking leg kept cramping right as I was about to cum. I swear this happened like eight times in a row before I just decided “fuck it” and gave up. Whenever this happens, I feel like God is punishing me for being a whore.

I wonder if this ever happens to dudes? Like how funny would it be if it happened to a male performer, during a scene?

On top of everything else, it’s fucking raining outside and I need to get groceries. Sometimes I think life would be easier if I just committed a crime and got on house arrest.

December 8

At yesterday’s shoot, I used kegel balls for the first time. I put them in my pussy while Derrick fucked my asshole. It felt really good. I like them so much, the director let me keep them. She said they’re actually all the rage with women right now; apparently if you keep them in your pussy while you run your errands, your pussy muscles will get stronger.

I have them in now, and I’m gonna keep them in when I go to boot camp later. This is gonna be either fucking awesome, or the worst idea ever.

Update:

I chickened out and didn’t wear the kegel balls to boot camp. It would’ve been too embarrassing if they came rolling out.

December 15

While I was running on the treadmill today, my trainer told me, “Marathon runners have average bodies.” I think I’ve met my body dysmorphic match.

Also, running on the treadmill next to me was a MILF with two black eyes from a recent nose job surgery. It felt very L.A.

December 17

Interesting conversation with Mia today. She told me she was dying to know what it was like to fuck with a penis. I told her I was dying to know what it felt like to get fucked in the ass if I had a prostate. We promised if we wake up tomorrow as men, she’ll use her penis to fuck my prostate-filled ass.