Innocence (39 page)

With that, Rebecca curtsied and departed, leaving Lisa to explain her comments and the outrageous behaviour that had precipitated them. Groaning, her father shook his head when she finished her explanation.

“I think I’ll leave Thomas to deal with his daughter.” He slumped down in his favourite chair. “But you and I need to have a talk.”
 

Leaning forward, he reached to take hold of her hand, his expression surprisingly gentle.
 

“Lisa.” He used her childhood nickname, his voice sounding gruff. “I might not say the words very often, but you know I love you dearly, don’t you?”

“Yes, Papa. And I love you, too.”

“Then I hope you know you can trust me. Whatever happened while you were away
,
I will not blame you or be angry, I promise.”

The lump that appeared in Lisa’s throat at his words made speech impossible for a moment.
 

“I was so afraid, Papa,” she whispered. “I overheard the news Lord Copeland had taken possession of Barlow Manor, and I thought that meant . . . that you were . . .”
 

Gulping back a sob, it took a few seconds before she could continue.

Her father patted her hand. “It’s all right. Take your time.”

“I tried to fulfil my promise to stay hidden and keep my identity a secret, but things kept going wrong.”
 

She saw only concern on her father’s face, not condemnation
yet
. Straightening her shoulders, she uttered the words that would change her father’s good opinion of her forever.
 

“Nathaniel and I became friends. He offered me his protection, and I accepted.”

Her father sat back, the colour draining from his complexion.
 

“Of course, I did not understand the
complexities
of the arrangement,” she rushed to add. “I’d come to care for him, and since I wasn’t managing to stay safe on my own I thought . . . I thought . . .”

“You thought it was a sensible idea to accept his offer while you awaited Thomas’s return. But the young rogue tricked you into placing yourself in a compromising position and forced himself upon you.”

“What? No! It wasn’t like that. Nathaniel offered to find me a position as a governess or even set me up in a cottage of my own, but I refused. I thought all hope was lost, and I
wanted
to be with him,” she finished on a whisper.

Releasing the breath he was holding, Lisa’s father closed his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Papa. Please don’t be angry with Nathaniel. He believed I was a servant, orphaned, and without protection. He thought it was the only way for us to be together.”
 

There were questions she wanted answered also, so she boldly continued.
 

“He wanted to set me up as his mistress, the woman he loved but kept hidden while he was forced to marry some poor, ignorant but more
suitable
lady who—if she was anything like me—would have been instructed to deny all feeling and affection and submit to her husband out of duty.”

“Who told you that?” her father asked, the anger in his eyes fading.

“Lady Moreton when she was helping me prepare for my debut. I wouldn’t have remained as Nathaniel’s mistress, Papa, not once he was married. I was planning to try to sell Mama’s pearls and disappear, but then . . .”

“But then Thomas returned home, thank God. I assume his son offered for you once he discovered the gravity of his error?”

“Yes, but I refused. I’m sorry, Papa, but I would rather remain unwed than spend the rest of my days trying to live a lie knowing my husband is spending time in the arms of another woman, a woman whom he does not expect to be made of stone.”

“Not all marriages are as you describe, my dear,” her father said gently. “You can be sure I did not demand your mother behave in any way other than that which she was comfortable.”

“You didn’t keep a mistress, Papa?”

“Never! And I do not condone such behaviour, even if it is considered the norm by many in our sphere. I’m very sorry you had to learn of such things this way. If your mother were alive, I’m sure she would have educated you in a sensitive manner, but without her, I was at a bit of a loss. I can assure you I had no intention of seeing you wed to a man who would disrespect you. I just wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. In fact, I had hoped it wouldn’t be necessary.”

“You didn’t expect me to wed?”
 

Lisa knew her colouring was considered unacceptable by the
ton
, but she was dismayed to discover her father thought so little of her marital prospects.

“Of course I did. A delightful young lady such as yourself? I was merely content to wait for some suitable young man to fall head over heels in love with you—as I did with your mother—and then I’d have informed
him
, in no uncertain terms, of the conduct I expected in a future son-in-law.”

“Oh!”
 

Lisa didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at her father’s words, considering how badly things had turned out due to her ignorance.
 

He leaned forward once again. “What I need to know is whether or not you’d like to marry Thomas’s son, conditional on his guarantee of treating you with the respect you deserve? Keeping in mind, if this ever gets out, your chances of making another match will be greatly reduced.”

Lisa dropped her head in shame at her father’s pronouncement.
 

“I’m not blaming you, my dear, just pointing out the reality of the situation.”

“I understand. I do love Nathaniel, and I believe he loves me also.”

“He does appear to be willing to make considerable sacrifices for the opportunity to win your hand,” her father said wryly. “Are you sure you want to marry a disgraced and disinherited lord?”
 

“I would marry Nathaniel under any circumstances if he would love me the way you loved Mama. But I wouldn’t mind foregoing the disgrace, and I dread to think what disinheritance would do to Nathaniel. Plus there is the matter of our having to live abroad.”

“Well, then. It appears we must hightail it to London to stop your young man from making an even bigger fool of himself than he already has,” her father said.

“So you will agree to Nathaniel and my being wed if he meets your stipulations?”

“Of course I will, if that’s what you want.” Her father smiled indulgently. “But I’d rather you didn’t let him know straightaway. I’m of a mind to give him a good thrashing. But since I’m not yet up to full strength—and I imagine you’d be a tad upset if I shot the blighter—making him grovel on his knees before his prospective father-in-law will have to suffice.”

Chapter 35

Liberties

The two-day journey to London seemed to take a lot longer, though Lisa needed every moment to prepare for the coming momentous events. She could barely contain her emotions. Her longing to see Nathaniel competed with excitement at the news she had to share with him, anxiety they would be too late to prevent him from making a dreadful mistake, and fear her hopes would prove to be unfounded. She didn’t doubt he still cared for her, enough to give up everything so they could be together, but she worried that once he encountered her as a legitimate member of society he might have a change of heart. Her demeanour when they had been together in no way resembled that of a proper young lady.
 

Nathaniel had been quite clear the behaviour a gentleman might appreciate in his mistress was entirely different to what he expected from his wife. Lisa couldn’t bear it if he came to despise the very things that he had once purported to love and desire about her. She would need to be sure he wanted her for who she was,
as she was
, before she agreed to his proposal. Not that the alternative was at all appealing. Having had a small taste of it, life without Nathaniel was bleak indeed.

The Barlow’s carriage had been stolen by Lord Copeland and not yet replaced, so Sir George, Rebecca, and Lisa shared the large Worthington carriage with her father’s valet and Ruth. It made the opportunity for anything other than superficial conversation limited, but they weren’t crowded, having left Rebecca’s maid behind to care for Great Aunt Mildred. Mrs Waters had tut-tutted over the old woman’s befuddled mental state, the poor dear being in dire need of a rest after her journey.
 

Lisa received the impression Thomas must coddle Rebecca a great deal, as she didn’t seem at all worried about his reaction to her escapade. Lisa would have been terrified to admit to such foolhardy actions, but then again, her father had surprised her, to no end, by his compassionate response to her own, far more outrageous disclosures.
 

The upcoming reunion with Penelope appeared to have bolstered her father’s reserve, and he coped surprisingly well with the journey, his sleep blessedly free from nightmares and his nerves steady. Lisa was happy for him and grateful his mind was not as focused on her indiscretions as it might otherwise have been, or so she hoped. The way he glowered out of the window on occasion had her worried about what he might be planning to say or do to Nathaniel.

At least he had promised not to shoot him.

Rebecca, she soon discovered, was irrepressible. She was determined to have her questions answered—questions of an
intimate
nature. But, to Lisa’s relief she, at least, had the good sense to wait until they were alone in their large shared bed the first night of their journey to begin her bombardment.
 

“The entire business sounds so awkward and uncomfortable and messy and, well, mortifying,” Rebecca said when Lisa agreed to tell her what she knew of intimate relations.
 

“I imagine it could be all those things if the couple did not share tender feelings.”
 

“It wasn’t like that for you and Nathaniel?”
 

Lisa’s cheeks blazed, but she fought the urge to pull the covers over her head. Rolling on her side to face her new friend, she wondered how much—or how little—she should disclose. She worried if she was too detailed in her descriptions, she might shock or frighten Rebecca even more than she already was. But if she let the girl know how truly wonderful lovemaking could be, she might be responsible for contributing to her moral downfall.

As Lisa considered what level of censorship she should use, it dawned on her she was behaving no differently than all the other individuals, well-meaning and otherwise, who conspired to keep young women ignorant and afraid. Rebecca was of an age to be married and deserved to know the truth so she could make reasoned choices about matters that would profoundly affect her future.

“No, it wasn’t like that with Nathaniel,” Lisa said.

“What was it like?”
 

“It was wonderful.” Her breath hitched at the memories she allowed to surface. “At first, I just wanted to be with Nathaniel as often as possible. Because he believed we were not of the same class, we were able to be together without all the restrictions that accompany obeying the social niceties. Although I must admit to being taken aback by his colourful language.”

“Nathaniel used colourful language?” Rebecca’s eyes widened. “Oh, you mean like the words he, Michael, and Hugh used the day Father introduced you as Sir George’s daughter?”

“Yes. It’s quite shocking the way gentlemen behave when they believe there are no ladies present. All their talk about ‘protecting the fairer sex from life’s unpleasantness’ doesn’t seem to apply to females of the lower classes. Though I do imagine they’d be more cautious in their manner around some of the senior staff members, such as Mrs Donaldson.”

“Or their nannies. Ours would box Nathaniel’s ears if he used bad language in her presence, and she’s quite ancient.” Rebecca giggled. “But tell me more.”

Lisa let her mind wander back to some of her earliest encounters with Nathaniel, a soft smile curling her lips.

“My feelings for Nathaniel grew very quickly. There was something in the way he looked at me, his eyes intense and heated. And he would take
liberties
.”

“Liberties?”
 

“He would stand close—far closer than propriety allows—and brush his fingers down my cheek or stroke my hair. My heart would pound so loudly I’d blush for fear he could hear it. It was quite astonishing how he affected me with just a simple caress. My entire body would freeze in anticipation of his touch and then melt at the reality, as I was flooded with warmth and the most delicious tingles.”

“Oh my.” Rebecca sighed.

“The first time Nathaniel kissed me, I didn’t want it to end.”
 

“Hugh kissed the back of my hand once,” Rebecca said shyly. “I swear I felt his lips right through the fabric of my gloves.”

Lisa smiled at her words, touched by the innocence it revealed. But then her smile faded, as she considered how to describe what had come next. Nathaniel’s and her kisses had not remained chaste for long, soon involving lips and tongues and the wondrous taste of desire. The feel of his bare skin sliding like warm silk over her naked flesh had been a revelation. The weight of his muscular body pressing hers into the mattress, his kisses, and caresses had all taken her to places she’d not known existed. The memories were more precious to Lisa than the jewels her father had insisted they bring with them to London, but she wasn’t sure how to put them into words.