Inner Legacy (4 page)

Into the Cave

I woke with the sun. It's light illuminating the cave but not entering it. I put more wood on the fire and ate bread and drank fresh water and felt refreshed.

It was time today I reckoned to explore this cave and find out what lay down the narrow opening. I hoped it might be a way down the valley floor although I had not as yet had the courage to venture beyond the cave entrance to see the valley as the sound of the baying hound still struck fear in my heart and in the cave I felt safe. Very safe.

I walked to the back of the cave and wondered how best to prepare for this exploration. After some thought I decided I would simply explore and if as I hoped it looked as though it was a way out then I would come back and gather up some supplies.

Walking into the back of the cave I was able to remain upright although the walls narrowed creating a tunnel effect. Crossing what I regarded as the threshold the first thing I became aware of was a pool of water being constantly fed from  a rivulet flowing from the wall about a metre above the rock pool. Having a source of water was essential and one of the mysteries of the cave was solved. I moved forward and noticed the incline steepen. Instead of growing darker as I entered as I expected the cave walls seemed to suffuse a bluish white light that made progress easy.

I was clearly now in a tunnel of some sort that felt like the tail of the cave reaching deep into the rock. I sensed and felt my downward motion but as it twisted and turned and occasionally rose upwards before falling back to a downward path it felt as though I was heading inwards all the time. There was no sense whatsoever of the tunnel turning outwards to perhaps reach the valley floor.

I walked on for long enough to begin to wish I had brought food and water with me and so it seemed to me I ought to go back to the cave itself and gather supplies for what was obviously going to be lengthy exploration. As I was about to turn and head back up to the cave I noticed that the sounds of the tunnel had changed and there was an echo from my footsteps. Moving forward the tunnel abruptly gave way to another domed cave. In the centre was a broken stone pillar and on top lay bread and water. I ate and drank and puzzled.

The cave was almost completely perfect as a dome with a flat floor and even walls. Was it a natural cave? I thought not but I also recalled that water, rock and time can create strange shapes hidden beneath our feet. Opposite the entrance I had used stood three more tunnels. Now I had a choice. Fortunately on closer inspection there was no choice. The tunnel on the left reached perhaps a hundred metres in length before ending abruptly in an impassable rock fall. The middle tunnel proved to be a false entrance that narrowed until it closed completely. So I had to take the remaining tunnel.

It continued as before suffusing light sufficient for my needs and descending all the time. I was not long in that tunnel however before I reached an end. It was closed and not in any natural fashion but rather a large circular rock appeared to have been rolled out of a slit in the side wall to block the passage and act as a door.

Try as I might nothing I could think of would move the stone which was easily two metres in height.  I felt the surface of this door that blocked my way and found it covered in a thick sticky dust. I wiped it away in the hope that I find some lever or other device that would allow it to move and give me access.

I was startled though when it felt the rough shape of letters beneath my fingers. I cleared everything away around it and at last was able to make out six letters that simply said.

NotYet.

Water flowed like a little river down the middle of the passage and found its way around the edges of the stone door. I was aware of the luminosity beyond the door, a light bright and welcoming but something I was unable to reach, I was filled with a huge sense of longing for the light that seeped in to my bluish twilight world that had seemed so cosy and homely as I had wandered through the rock tunnels of the mountain side but not seemed unworthy of my admiration and emotions. I felt drawn inexorably towards the light that seeped through into my world. I could not reach it no matter how I tried and the words run together NotYet stung my eyes with tears when I looked upon them.

I sat down slumped against the side of the tunnel and let the water run over my feet and I wept by that little river.

Alone.

I felt alone as I wept. Cut off. Not lonely but alone. The only living thing in my world.

Dismay and sorrow flooded my being as the water began to rise.

Part of my soul wanted to lie down and give up this hopeless situation and part began to panic at the rising of the water. The latter won the day and wiping my eyes with heels of my palms I stood up and began the long ascent back to the cave. As I walked the flow of water eased and disappeared and the ground became dry as my eyes also dried and I began to feel the flow of fresh and cool air reach my face from the cave. A wind blew gently around me and seemed to warm my soul and calm my emotions. The words Not Yet seemed now more like a promise to cherish than something to be reduced to tears by. There was hope. A little candle grew stronger in the darkness of my soul.

I emerged into the cave to find that darkness had fallen and the fire burning brightly in the hearth as fresh wood burned and caught. I was being cared for by the cave for who else could be doing this.

I was struck by the lunacy of the thought but realised as I sat and warmed myself as the night drew on that my whole situation while very definitely real yet nevertheless beyond reason. No theory could be made to fit my experience. It was not natural and the world I was in was as far from normal as I could imagine. Mulling all these things brought me eventually to sleep.

I dreamed a dream.

Towards the Valley

As morning dawned I stretched and welcomed the new day. Today I would venture to the front of the cave and see what was possible as obviously I was not destined to stay here for ever. Of course I thought to myself that maybe exactly what is meant to happen. If food and water and the essentials of life are being provided then perhaps that is exactly what is meant to happen. If that was the case then was I imprisoned here or simply on some kind of spiritual retreat? To be imprisoned would be to be held against my will and that didn't on reflection seem to be the case. I felt no problem in my own being about staying here and reflecting on life and meditating and thinking free from any worry. It was probably safer for me to stay here than try to make any progress from the cave. The Not Yet seemed possibly to indicate that I should stay here and wait until it was time.

I went and looked out of the cave mouth at the valley below.

It looked attractive, welcoming, but its openness seemed less tempting than staying in the cave. There was no way to climb back up where I had fallen and I wasn't at all sure that I wanted to go back up there where I had known fear and confusion. Here with this view I could stay and feel safe and hide away from everything, like being in a deep and dreamless sleep oblivious to the world outside. I felt no need to venture further. I moved to the very front of the ledge to look down and then stared across the valley where I realised I could no longer see a mirroring cave.

As I looked around I noticed clouds appearing over the mountains, dark and menacing clouds and felt that first chill wind that heralds impending change in the weather. I shivered.

Behind me I heard a noise, slight but audible and enough to make me turn and look.

The cave was no longer there. I looked down and there was no moss only rock. I stood on a ledge on mountainside. Where the entrance had been  was only rock and no matter how frantically I searched with hand and eye there was no sign at all of the cave not even an indication it had ever existed. I shivered as the first of the rain hit me in the face, it was icy and I pressed myself back against the rock face in a vain effort to protect myself from the elements. Lightning cracked the sky, thunder shook the rocks and the wind howled and I pressed further and further back in fear and trembling at the great storm that was unleashed on the valley.

How long it lasted I have no idea. It seemed as I endured it to last for hours but time was becoming  a stranger to me and I had no real idea, it was more about simply enduring. At times the wind was so fierce that I feared I would blown off the ledge and gripped whatever hand holds I could find until my fingers grew numb.

There was no safety to be found on this ledge and as the storm lashed me I knew that I had to find some way to get to the valley floor, at least there would be safety.

At last the storm abated and sky began to clear and the sun emerged and brought with it fresh perspectives.

What now?

How do I get away from here?

Questions like this flooded my mind and I was convinced that surely there was some way down, logic would have dictated that in any normal situation but then the cave had ceased to be and even now I wondered if it had been a dream and phantasm?  After all if the cave existed there had to have been some way up but had it. I knew not what to do as nothing in my life had ever prepared me for what I was undergoing now. Was it a test of some sort? No matter how hard I tried I could not believe what I was experiencing was unreal or a dream. It was far too real to be anything other than reality albeit a reality that I did not recognise or understand.

A careful search of the edges of the ledge and the surrounding rock face appeared to reveal no way down. I could see many places where there would be handholds but I was no climber. I wondered if I was supposed to simply step off the edge and hope for the best. Fear had already driven me to jump off a cliff edge just to escape even though it meant death as far as I knew.

In the cave fear had for the most part left me alone but now it began to rear its head and swallow me from the inside out. Fear that had dominated my life. Fear of everything that challenged me. Fear a black presence that I could never deal with, fear that forced a withdrawal from so much of the world, fear that crippled.

I shook bodily as fear entered and held me in its grip and when I felt it could get no worse and I was close to blinding panic, fear turned to terror.

Over the mountain top it came, dark almost black with piercing yellow eyes. Wings wide enough to block out the sun, talons gleaming red against the blackness of its body. A creature of imagination, a dragon like entity.

It was heading towards me. I had no doubt about that.

At some point I lost control of both my mind and body. I knew terror and from it I had to flee, death was a better option, anything that would stop this overwhelming emotional storm. I would stop it. I would jump. A few moments of falling and then oblivion.

The decision was made and all I had to do was push myself forward from where I cowered against the rock face.

As the creature drew closer I could see it had a breast plate of tarnished gold and in letters written in flame I could make out the word FEAR.

I screamed I think and then jumped.

Instead of falling I rose upwards caught in the talons of this great black beast.

After this I have no memory.

I must have passed out.

I am as write this Adam embarrassed by this tale. It sounds so unutterably unbelievable. Yes I must record these events for you. Perhaps when I am done you will understand. I plead with you from beyond the grave to carry on decoding my notebooks. I am not mad but I have a tale to tell. Please don't give up on me. Please I beg you read on.

Facing Fear

I am standing on soft green grass looking up the valley to where the cave had been. The valley is enclosed at the end by high snow topped mountains. The river is flowing past my left hand side, it is not yet at its widest, here it is shallow and in mid meander. The little piece of land I am standing on has been looped over by the river leaving something like a jigsaw rounded protrusion.  It seem so peaceful as I look back up the valley. The kind of place that had always been to me the very definition of idyllic, the kind of wonderful place I could have escaped to in my mind during times of stress. A peaceful place. A place of safety.

Except it wasn't.

I could feel the terror behind me and I didn't dare move. It was looming darkly I knew not far from my back. It was a creature of nightmares, beyond the possibilities of existence. I could feel its breath flow hotly over my body and hear and feel the movement of its wings as though it were flapping them slowly in order stay upright.

I was frozen in terror. Movement forward seemed impossible, I felt the fear even as the thought entered my mind. I imagined that if I tried to run this growing terror behind me would pounce without hesitation and devour my very being enveloping me in terror.

Yet I had to do something. Although shaking it had reached the point where I had to fight or flee at least that's what the automatic responses of my body were dictating. I had to do something. I chose the least awful of the options and spun round on my heel to face my greatest fear.

I saw it fill my eyes and mind and blot out everything as it gave a hideous roar and lunged towards me its jaws opening, somehow I stood my ground but hunched my shoulders ducked my head and closed my eyes, my fist curling into tight balls the blood pounding in my head. I felt it.

The blackness and terror filled my every sinew and I waited for the pain to become physical rather than mental.

Nothing.

I opened my eyes very slowly looking through a guarded slit. It was there in front of me perhaps five metres distant appearing to rest beside a solitary tree. I stood up mentally as well as physically trying to make myself as tall as possible. Every feature of the creature was vile and the word FEAR burned on its breast as before. I forced myself to look at it and take in every detail the more I looked at it the less fear I found in my own being. I grew stronger.

I wasn't sure what to do. I still couldn't flee from this fearsome creature nor did I have any means at my disposal to despatch it from this word. It could still crush me without a second thought.

I took a step forward. It was a very tentative step. There was no response from the creature and I decided to walk forward even if it meant meeting my end. Not that I rushed, it was a slow progress.

After minutes I was close enough to see it even more closely and saw it for what it was rather than the first impression that had filled my mind. It watched me. My every movement was followed and I felt it knew me.

At last I was close enough to see its eyes.

I stopped then and puzzled. I had thought to see anger and rage and foulness in these eyes everything that would be nasty and horrible and beyond imagination. I saw none of that in the eyes.

I was puzzled. Then my heart was moved the great stone inside me melting almost instantly for what I saw in the eyes of this hideous creature was fear. It was terrified and this melted my heart. I hate to see fear in others and hate above all to see it in an animal or bird. This creature looked as though it was caught in trap, its eyes bulging with terror.

Compassion and love for this deeply wounded creature replaced all that resided in my heart and I spoke quietly in some meaningless noises that I would have used to calm a frightened dog or horse. I could see the creature respond to a kindness and quietness of my voice. Encouraged I stepped further forward drawing ever closer to the dark beast. The closer I got the more it began to shake till I imagined I could hear its  bones rattling.

I reached out when I was close enough to touch it, to let it feel my concern and to calm its terror all the while making soft noises in my throat.

I was no longer afraid for myself or of this creature. It seemed rooted to the spot as though my actions were tying it to the ground.

I looked into the eyes then when I was close. I saw nothing but fear. Yet the fear did not reach me it no longer gave out anything that touched me, its breath was no longer foul to my nose, its darkness no longer a thing of terror. I was absolutely involved with this being. Consumed by it.

I touched it.

The scales were smooth and dry and I could feel it shaking beneath my hand even though it  loomed over me and I ought to have had bowels of water I felt only love and compassion for this creature quivering under my touch.

I spoke again and quietly told it that there was nothing to fear. I love you I said with feeling, I won't harm you.

It raised it head and eyes towards the sky and let out a roar that grew louder and louder and the ground shook, the tree trembled to its roots, the ground began to shift, the leaves were blown upwards and it looked as though a mighty wind was blowing from the ground. I let the creature go and stumbled backwards on the heaving ground and fell, twisting backwards.

Blackness filled my eyes and I think I might have been partly knocked out. I was aware with part of my mind the earth coming to rest and the roaring receding in the distance. Whether the roaring did recede or I simply slipped into a faint where everything receded I couldn't swear even on pain of death.

I opened my eyes.