Infinite Jest (143 page)

'And there's a thing about a car salesman trying to quit drinking, it's about the they call it the insanity of the first one, drink — he comes in a bar for a sandwich and a glass of milk — are you hungry?’

'Non.’

'What am I saying I don't have any money. I don't even have my purse. This stuff makes you stupid but it makes you feel quite a bit improved. He wasn't thinking of a drink and then all of a sudden he thinks of a drink. This guy-’

'Out of a blue place, in one flashing instant.’

'Exactly. But the insanity is after all this time in hospitals and losing his business and his wife because of drinking he suddenly gets it into his head that one drink won't hurt him if he puts it in a glass of milk.'
¹

'Crazy in his head.’

'So when this absolutely reptilian character you saved me from by sitting down, rolling over, whatever. Sor-ry. When he says can he buy me a drink the book flashes in my mind and for sort of as it felt like a joke I ordered Kahlua and milk.’

'Me, I come in for nights I am tired, after the music has packed away, for the quiet. I use the telephone here as well, sometimes.’

'I mean even before the mugging I was walking along soberly deciding how to kill myself, so it seems a little silly to worry about drinking.’

'You have a certain expression of resemblance of my wife.’

'Your wife is dying. Jesus I'm sitting here laughing and your wife is dying. I think it's that I haven't felt decent in so freaking long, do you know what I'm saying? I'm not talking like good, I'm not talking like pleasure, I wouldn't want to go overboard with this thing, but at least at like zero, even, what do they call it Feeling No Pain.’

'I know of this meaning. I am spending a day to find someone I think my friends will kill, all the time I am awaiting the chance to betray my friends, and I come here and telephone to betray them and I see this bruised person who strongly resembles my wife. I think: Rémy, it is time for many drinks.’

'Well / think you're nice. I think you just about saved my life. I've spent like nine weeks feeling so bad I wanted to just about kill myself, both getting high and not. Dr. Garton never mentioned this. He talked plenty about shock but he never even freaking mentioned Kahlua and milk.’

'Katherine, I will tell you a story about feeling so bad and saving a life. I do not know you but we are drunk together now, and will you hear this story?’

'It's not about Hitting Bottom ingesting any sort of Substance and trying to Surrender, is it?’

'My people, we do not hit the bottoms of women. I am, shall we say, Swiss. My legs, they were lost in the teenage years being struck by a train.’

'That must have smarted.’

'I would have temptation to say you have no idea. But I am sensing you have an idea of hurting.’

'You have no idea.’

'I am in early twenty years, without the legs. Many of my friends also: without legs.’

'Must have been an awful train crash.’

'Also my own father: dead when his Kenbeck pacemaker came within range of a misdialed number of a cellular phone far away in Trois Rivieres, in a freakish occurrence of tragedy.’

'My dad emotionally abandoned us and moved to Portland, which is in Oregon, with his therapist.’

'Also in this time, my Swiss nation, we are a strong people but not strong as a nation, surrounded by strong nations. There is much hatred of our neighbors, and unfairness.’

'It all started when my mom found a picture of his therapist in his wallet and goes "What's that doing in here?" ‘

'It is, for me, who I am weak, so painful to be without legs in the early twenty years. One feels grotesque to people; one's freedom is restricted. I have no chances now for jobs in the mines of Switzerland.’

'The Swiss have gold mines.’

'As you say. And much beautiful territory, which the stronger nations at the time of losing my legs committed paper atrocities to my nation's land.’

Trucking bastards.’

'It is a long story to the side of this story, but my part of the Swiss nation is in my time of no legs invaded and despoiled by stronger and evil hated and neighboring nations, who claim as in the Anschluss of Hitler that they are friends and are not invading the Swiss but conferring on us gifts of alliance.’

'Total dicks.’

'It is to the side, but for my Swiss friends and myself without legs it is a dark period of injustice and dishonor, and of terrible pain. Some of my friends roll themselves off to fight against the invasion of paper, but me, I am too painful to care enough to fight. To me, the fight seems without point: our own Swiss leaders have been subverted to pretend the invasion is alliance; we very few legless young cannot repel an invasion; we cannot even make our government admit that there is an invasion. I am weak and, in pain, see all is pointless: I do not see the meaning of choosing to fight.’

'You're depressed is what you are.’

'I see no point and do no work and belong to nothing; I am alone. I think of death. I do nothing but frequently drink, roll around the despoiled countryside, sometimes dodging falling projectiles of invasion, thinking of death, bemoaning the depredation of the Swiss land, in great pain. But it is myself I bemoan. I have pain. I have no legs.’

'I'm Identifying every step of the way with you, Ramy. Oh God, what did I say?’

'And us, our Swiss countryside is very hilly. The fauteuil, it is hard to push up many hills, then one is braking with all the might to keep from flying out of control on the downhill.’

'Sometimes it's like that walking, too.’

'Katherine, I am, in English, moribund. I have no legs, no Swiss honor, no leaders who will fight the truth. I am not alive, Katherine. I roll from skiing lodge to tavern, frequently drinking, alone, wishing for my death, locked inside my pain in the heart. I wish for my death but have not the courage to make actions to cause death. I twice try to roll over the side of a tall Swiss hill but cannot bring myself. I curse myself for cowardice and inutile. I roll about, hoping to be hit by a vehicle of someone else, but at the last minute rolling out of the path of vehicles on Autoroutes, for I am unable to will my death. The more pain in my self, the more I am inside the self and cannot will my death, I think. I feel I am chained in a cage of the self, from the pain. Unable to care or choose anything outside it. Unable to see anything or feel anything outside my pain.’

'The billowing shaped black sailing wing. I am so totally Identifying it's not even funny.’

'My story it was one day at the top of a hill I had drunkenly labored for many minutes to roll to the crest, and looking out over the downhill slope I see a small hunched woman in what I am thinking is a metal hat far below at the bottom, attempting the crossing of the Swiss Provincial Autoroute at the bottom, in the middle of the Provincial Autoroute, this woman, standing and staring in the terror at one of the hated long and shiny many-wheeled trucks of our paper invaders, bearing down upon her at high speeds in the hurry to come despoil part of the Swiss land.’

'Like one of those Swiss metal helmets? Is she scrambling crazily to get out of the way?’

'She is standing transfixed with horror of the truck — identically as I had been motionless and transfixed by horror inside me, unable to move, like one of the many moose of Switzerland transfixed by the headlights of one of the many logging-trucks of Switzerland. The sunlight is reflecting madly on her metal hat as she is shaking her head in terror and she is clutching her — pardon me, but her female bosom, as if the heart of her would explode from the terror.’

'And you think, Oh fuck me, just great, another horrible thing I'm going to have stand here and witness and then go feel pain over.’

'But the great gift of this time today at the hilltop above the Provincial Autoroute is I do not think of me. I do not know this woman or love her, but without thinking I release my brake and I am careening down the downhill, almost wipe-outing numerous places on the bumps and rocks of the hill's slope, and as we say in Switzerland I schüssch at enough speed to reach my wife and sweep her up into the chair and roll across the Provincial Auto-route into the embanking ahead just ahead of the nose of the truck, which had not slowed.’

'Hang me upside-down and fuck me in both ears. You pulled yourself out of a clinical depression by being a freaking hero.’

'We rolled and tumbled down the embanking on the Autoroute's distant side, causing my chair to tip and injuring a stump of me, and knocking away her thick metal hat.’

'You saved somebody's freaking life, Ramy. I'd give my left nut for a chance to pull myself out of the shadow of the wing that way, Ramy.’

'You are not seeing this. It was this frozen with the terror woman, she saved my life. For this saved my life. This moment broke my moribund chains, Katherine. In one instant and without thought I was allowed to choose something as more important than my thinking of my life. Her, she allowed this will without thinking. She with one blow broke the chains of the cage of pain at my half a body and nation. When I had crawled back to my fauteuil and placed my tipped fauteuil aright and I was again seated I realized the pain of inside no longer pained me. I became, then, adult. I was permitted leaving the pain of my own loss and pain at the top of Switzerland's Mont Papineau.’

'Because suddenly you gazed at the girl without her metal hat and felt a rush of passion and fell madly in love enough to get married and roll together off into the s—’

'She had no skull, this woman. Later I am learning she had been among the first Swiss children of southwestern Switzerland to become born without a skull, from the toxicities in association of our enemy's invasion on paper. Without the confinement of the metal hat the head hung from the shoulders like the half-filled balloon or empty bag, the eyes and oral cavity greatly distended from this hanging, and sounds exiting this cavity which were difficult to listen.’

'But still, something about her moved you to fall madly in love. Her gratitude and humility and acceptance and that kind of quiet dignity really horribly handic— birth-defected people usually have.’

'It was not mad. I had already chosen. The unclamping of the brakes of the fauteuil and schüssching to the Autoroute — this was the love. I had chosen loving her above my lost legs and this half a self.’

'And she looked at your missing limbs and didn't even see them and chose you right back — result: passionate love.’

'There was for this woman in the embanking no possible choosing. Without the containing helmet all energies in her were committed to the shaping of the oral cavity in a shape that allowed breathing, which was a task of great enormity, for her head it had also neither muscles nor nerves. The special hat had found itself dented in upon one side, and I had not the ability to shape my wife's head into a shape that I could stuff the sac of her head into the hat, and I chose to carry her over my shoulders in a high-speed rolling to the nearest Swiss hôpital specializing in deformities of grave nature. It was there I learned of the other troubles.’

'I think I'd like a couple more Kahlua and milks.’

'There was the trouble of the digestive tracking. There were seizures also. There were progressive decays of circulation and vessel, which calls itself restenosis. There were the more than standard accepted amounts of eyes and cavities in many different stages of development upon different parts of the body. There were the fugue states and rages and frequency of coma. She had wandered away from a public institution of Swiss charitable care. Worst for choosing to love was the cerebro-and-spinal fluids which dribbled at all times from her distending oral cavity.’

'And but your passionate love for each other dried up her cerebro-spinal drool and ended the seizures and there were certain hats she looked so good in it just about drove you mad with love? Is that it?’

'Garçon!’

'Is the madly-in-love part coming up?’

'Katherine, I had too believed there was no love without passion. Pleasure. This was part of the pain of the no legs, this fear that for me there would be no passion. The fear of the pain is many times worse than the pain of the pain, n'est ce —?’

'Ramy I don't think I'm like thinking this is a feel-better story at all.’

'I tried to leave the soft-head and cerebro-spinally incontinent woman, m'épouse au future, behind at the hôpital of grave nature and to wheel off into my new life of uncaged acceptance and choice. I would roll into the fraying of battle for my despoiled nation, for now I saw the point not of winning but of choosing merely to fight. But I had travelled no more than several revolutions of the fauteuil when the old despair of before choosing this no-skull creature rose up once again inside me. Within several revolutions there was no point again and no legs, and only fear of the pain that made me not choose. Pain rolled me backwards to this woman, my wife.’

'You're saying this is love? This isn't love. I'll know when it's love because of the way it'll feel. It won't be about spinal fluid and despair believe you me, Bucko. It'll be about your eyes meet across someplace and both your knees give out and from that second forward you know you're not going to be alone and in hell. You're not half the guy I started to think you might have been, Ray.’

'I had to face: I had chosen. My choice, this was love. I had chosen I think the way out of the chains of the cage. I needed this woman. Without her to choose over myself, there was only pain and not choosing, rolling drunkenly and making fantasies of death.’

'This is love? It's like you were chained to her. It's like if you tried to get on with your own life the pain of the clinical depression came back. It's like the clinical depression was a shotgun nudging you down the wedding aisle. Was there a wedding aisle? Could she even get down a wedding aisle?’

'My wife's wedding helmet was of the finest nickel mined and molded by friends in the nickel mines of southwest Switzerland. Each of us, we were rolled down the aisle in special conveyings. Hers with special pans and drains, for the fluids. It was the happiest day ever for me, since the train. The cleric asked did I choose this woman. There was a long time of silence. My whole very being came to a knifelike point in that instant, Katharine, my hand holding tenderly the hook of my wife.’