Infinite Jest (74 page)

‘Do not ask WHY

If you dont want to DIE

Do like your TOLD

If you want to get OLD
¹⁴³

The choreography of interface had settled into the form of Steeply smoking, his bare
arms crossed, going up and down slowly on the toes of his high heels, while Marathe
hunched slightly in his metal chair, shoulders rounded and head slightly forward in
a practiced position that allowed him almost to sleep while still attending to every
detail of a conversation or wearisome surveillance. He (Marathe) had drawn his plaid
blanket up to his chest. It was increasingly chilly at the altitude of the shelf.
They could feel the remains of the U.S.A. Sonora Desert’s heat rising past them into
the clotted spangle of stars that were above them. The shirt Marathe wore beneath
his windbreaker was not of Hawaiian type.

Marathe remained unsure in this time of what exactly it was that Hugh Steeply of U.S.O.U.S.
wished to learn from him, or verify, through Marathe’s betrayal. Near midnight Steeply
had given him the datum that he (Steeply) had been on the personal Marital Leave over
his recent divorce, and was now back in the field of duty, wearing prosthetic breasts
and woman-journalist credentials, assigned to cultivate some of the Entertainment’s
alleged filmmaker’s relatives and inner circles. Marathe had made gentle fun of the
inoriginality of a journalistic cover, then later less gentle fun of Steeply’s cover’s
false name, expressing humored doubts that the meaty electrolysized face of Steeply
would be responsible of launching even one ship or vessel.

There’d been that first brutal winter night, early in the O.N.A.N.ite temporo-subsidized
era, soon after the InterLace dissemination of
The Man Who Began to Suspect He Was Made of Glass,
that Himself emerged from the sauna and came to Lyle all sloppy-blotto and depressed
over the fact that even the bastards in the avant-garde journals were complaining
that even in his commercially entertaining stuff Incandenza’s fatal Achilles’ heel
was plot, that Incandenza’s efforts had no sort of engaging plot, no movement that
sucked you in and drew you along.
¹⁴⁴
Mario and Ms. Joelle van Dyne are probably the only people who know that Found Drama
¹⁴⁵
and anticonfluentialism both came out of this night with Lyle.

It’s not like Boston AA recoils from the idea of responsibility, though. Cause: no;
responsibility: yes. It seems like it all depends on which way the arrow of presumed
responsibility points. The hard-faced adopted stripper had presented herself as the
object of an outside Cause. Now the arrow comes back around as tonight’s meeting’s
last and maybe best Advanced Basics speaker, another newcomer, a round pink girl with
no eyelashes at all and a ’base-head’s ruined teeth, gets up there and speaks in an
r
-less South Boston brogue about being pregnant at twenty and smoking Eightballs of
freebase cocaine like a fiend all through her pregnancy even though she knew it was
bad for the baby and wanted desperately to quit. She tells about having her water
break and contractions start late one night in her welfare-hotel room when she was
right in the middle of an Eightball she’d had to spend the evening turning unbelievably
sordid and degrading tricks to pay for; she did what she had to do to get high, she
says, even while pregnant, she says; and she says even when the pain of the contractions
got to be too bad to bear she’d been unable to tear herself away from the ’base-pipe
to go to the free clinic to deliver, and how she’d sat on the floor of the welfare-hotel
room and freebased her way all through labor (that new Joelle girl’s veil’s billowing
in and out with her breath, Gately sees, just like it also was during the last speaker’s
description of the statue’s orgasm in the catatonic’s dysfunctional Catholic mother’s
devotional photo); and how she’d finally delivered of a stillborn infant right there
alone on her side like a cow on the rug of her room, all the time throughout still
compulsively loading up the glass pipe and smoking; and how the infant emerged all
dry and hard like a constipated turdlet, with no protective moisture and no afterbirth-material
following it out, and how the emerged infant was tiny and dry and all withered and
the color of strong tea, and dead, and also had no face, had in utero developed no
eyes or nostrils and just a little lipless hyphen of a mouth, and its limbs were malformed
and arachnodactylic, and there had been some sort of translucent reptilian like webbing
between its mucronate digits; the speaker’s mouth is a quivering arch of woe; her
baby had been poisoned before it could grow a face or make any personal choices, it
would have soon died of Substance-Withdrawal in the free clinic’s Pyrex incubator
if it had emerged alive anyway, she could tell, she’d been on such a bad ’base-binge
all that pregnant year; and but so eventually the Eightball was consumed and then
the screen and steel-wool ball in the pipe itself smoked and the cloth prep-filter
smoked to ash and then of course likely-looking pieces of lint had been gleaned off
the rug and also smoked, and the girl finally passed out, still umbilically linked
to the dead infant; and how when she came to again in unsparing noonlight the next
day and saw what still clung by a withered cord to her empty insides she got introduced
to the real business-end of the arrow of responsibility, and as she gazed in daylight
at the withered faceless stillborn baby she was so overcome with grief and self-loathing
that she erected a fortification of complete and black Denial, like total Denial.
She held and swaddled the dead thing just as if it were alive instead of dead, and
she began to carry it around with her wherever she went, just as she imagined devoted
mothers carry their babies with them everywhere they go, the faceless infant’s corpse
completely veiled and hidden in a little pink blanket the addicted expectant mother’d
let herself buy at Woolworth’s at seven months, and she also kept the cord’s connection
intact until her end of the cord finally fell out of her and dangled, and smelled,
and she carried the dead infant everywhere, even when turning sordid tricks, because
single motherhood or not she still needed to get high and still had to do what she
had to do to get high, so she carried the blanket-wrapped infant in her arms as she
walked the streets in her velvet fuchsia minipants and haltertop and green spike heels,
turning tricks, until there began to be strong evidence, as she circled her block—it
was August—let’s just say compelling evidence that the infant in the stained cocoon
of blanket in her arms was not a biologically viable infant, and passersby on the
South Boston streets began to reel away white-faced as the girl passed by, stretch-marked
and brown-toothed and lashless (lashes lost in a Substance-accident; fire hazard and
dental dysplasia go with the freebase terrain) and also just hauntedly calm-looking,
oblivious to the olfactory havoc she was wreaking in the sweltering streets, and but
her August’s trick-business soon fell off sharply, understandably, and eventually
word that there was a serious infant-and-Denial problem here got around the streets,
and her fellow Southie ’base-heads and street-friends came to her with not ungentle
r
-less remonstrances and scented hankies and gently prying hands and tried to reason
her out of her Denial, but she ignored them all, she guarded her infant from all harm
and kept it clutched to her—it was by now sort of stuck to her and would have been
hard to separate from her by hand anyway—and she’d walk the streets shunned and trickless
and broke and in early-stage Substance-Withdrawal, with the remains of the dead infant’s
tummy’s cord dangling out from an unclosable fold in the now ominously ballooned and
crusty Woolworth’s blanket: talk about Denial, this girl was in some major-league
Denial; and but finally a pale and reeling beat-cop phoned a hysterical olfactory
alert in to the Commonwealth’s infamous Department of Social Services—Gately sees
alcoholic moms all over the hall cross themselves and shudder at the mere mention
of D.S.S., every addicted parent’s worst nightmare, D.S.S., they of the several different
abstruse legal definitions of Neglect and the tungsten-tipped battering ram for triple-locked
apartment doors; in a dark window Gately sees one reflected mom sitting over with
the Brighton AAs that has her two little girls with her in the meeting and now at
the D.S.S. reference clutches them reflexively to her bosom, one head per bosom, as
one of the girls struggles and dips her knees in the little curtsies of impending
potty—but so now D.S.S. was on the case, and a platoon of blandly efficient Wellesley-alum
D.S.S. field personnel with clipboards and scary black Chanel women’s businesswear
were now on the prowl in the South Boston streets for the addicted speaker and her
late faceless infant; and but finally around this time, during last year’s awful late-August
heat wave, evidence that the infant had a serious bio-viability problem started presenting
itself so forcefully that even the Denial-ridden addict in the mother could not ignore
or dismiss it—evidence which the speaker’s reticence about describing (save to say
that it involved an insect-attraction problem) makes things all the worse for the
empathetic White Flaggers, since it engages the dark imaginations all Substance-abusers
share in surplus—and so but the mother says how she finally broke down, emotionally
and olfactorily, from the overwhelming evidence, on the cement playground outside
her own late mother’s abandoned Project building off the L Street Beach in Southie,
and a D.S.S. field team closed in for the pinch, and she and her infant got pinched,
and special D.S.S. spray-solvents had to be sent for and utilized in order to detach
the Woolworth baby-blanket from her maternal bosom, and the blanket’s contents were
more or less reassembled and were interred in a D.S.S. coffin the speaker recalls
as being the size of a Mary Kay makeup case, and the speaker was medically informed
by somebody with a clipboard from D.S.S. that the infant had been involuntarily toxified
to death somewhere along in its development toward becoming a boy; and the mother,
after a painful D&C for the impacted placenta she’d carried inside, then spent the
next four months on the locked ward of Metropolitan State Hospital in Waltham MA,
psychotic with Denial-deferred guilt and cocaine-withdrawal and searing self-hatred;
and how when she finally got discharged from Met State with her first S.S.I. mental-disability
check she found she had no taste for chunks or powders, she wanted only tall smooth
bottles whose labels spoke of Proof, and she drank and drank and believed in her heart
she would never stop or swallow the truth, but finally she got to where she had to,
she says, swallow it, the responsible truth; how she quickly drank her way to the
old two-option welfare-hotel window-ledge and made a blubbering 0200h. phone call,
and then so here she is, apologizing for going on so long, trying to tell a truth
she hopes someday to swallow, inside. So she can just try and live. When she concludes
by asking them to pray for her it almost doesn’t sound corny. Gately tries not to
think. Here is no Cause or Excuse. It is simply what happened. This final speaker
is truly new, ready: all defenses have been burned away. Smooth-skinned and steadily
pinker, at the podium, her eyes squeezed tight, she looks like she’s the one that’s
the infant. The host White Flaggers pay this burnt public husk of a newcomer the ultimate
Boston AA compliment: they have to consciously try to remember even to blink as they
watch her, listening. I.D.ing without effort. There’s no judgment. It’s clear she’s
been punished enough. And it was basically the same all over, after all, Out There.
And the fact that it was so good to hear her, so good that even Tiny Ewell and Kate
Gompert and the rest of the worst of them all sat still and listened without blinking,
looking not just at the speaker’s face but into it, helps force Gately to remember
all over again what a tragic adventure this is, that none of them signed up for.

They’d been the odd couple of libations, the muscled fitness-guru and the tall slope-shouldered
optician/director, often down there in the weight room til all hours, sitting on the
towel dispenser, drinking, Lyle with his Caffeine Free Diet Coke, Incandenza with
his Wild Turkey. Mario literally standing by in case the ice bucket ran out or Himself
needed moral support getting to the urinal. Mario often fell asleep as the hour got
severe, drifted in and out, slept upright and leaning forward, weight borne by his
police lock and lead receptacle.

James Incandenza was one of those profound-personality-change drinkers who seemed
quiet and centered and almost affectless when he was sober but would move way out
to one side or the other of the human emotional spectrum, when drunk, and seem to
open up in a way that was almost injudicious.

Sometimes, libated late at night with Lyle in the newly outfitted E.T.A. weight room,
Incandenza’d open up and pour his heart’s thickest chyme right out there for all to
be affected and potentially scarred by. E.g. one night Mario, leaning way forward
into the police lock’s support, drifted awake to the sound of his father saying that
if he had to grade his marriage he’d give it a C–. This seems injudicious in the extreme,
potentially, though Mario, like Lyle, tends to take data pretty much as it comes.

Lyle, who sometimes would start to get tipsy himself as Himself’s pores began to excrete
the bourbon, often brought some Blake out, as in William Blake, during these all-night
sessions, and read Incandenza Blake, but in the voices of various cartoon characters,
which Himself eventually started regarding as deep.
¹⁴⁶