Inferno Anthology (145 page)

As much as I’d like to understand what she’s saying to me, I’m not sure what she really means by opening myself up. It’s a completely foreign concept to me. My life is orderly and controlled. I only share necessary interactions and exchanges with those around me. The sharing of feelings isn’t what I do. The thought we’re about to go down that road right now makes me want to stop the session. But I make myself stay here with her, totally unable to leave this woman. I'm rooted to this spot by the sheer weight of her seductive presence, her willing pupil in anything she wishes to teach me. I'm hers for the taking.

“Tonight we are focusing on this part of your body.” Her hands quit massaging along my arms and she places them over my chest. Lightly pressing into me. Her featherlike touch is so faint I can barely feel its weight against my skin. “This area over your heart is an important energy spot according to Tantric teachings. If it is blocked and closed, then your entire body’s energy can’t flow. Your heart is the core of your being. So we will start there.”

“Our session is not about achieving but about receiving. For someone who constantly strives for results in their life, this concept may seem foreign to you, Kingsley. So try not to think about holding on to your feelings. As I touch you, focus on how it feels and relaxes you. Receive those feelings. Don’t try to fight them.”

I do as she bids me, but I’m so tempted to close my eyes and get lost in her touch. Or possibly hide myself from it. I’m not sure which. However, I force myself to keep my eyes open. 

“I’m going to guide you through a mental exercise while I continue running my hands over your skin. My touch will be light, but purposeful. You need to stare into my eyes the entire time. Do not break our connection by turning away from me or closing them.”

Where is she leading me with this so-called mental exercise? It should concern me. But if it means she continues to touch me like she’s doing, I will try to comply and go along for the ride with her.

“I’ll focus.” She has to know I completely trust her at this moment, which for me isn’t a normal occurrence. I’m giving her free rein without any control or stipulations.

“Think of the last time in your life you felt loved by someone. By the word felt I want you to think of their touch, too. Perhaps when you were younger. A comforting touch from long ago. Remember how you received that love and their touch. What it felt like, how you responded to their love.”

Her command is not one I want to process inside my brain or my heart; I’d rather concentrate on her touch alone. Going back in my past to when I felt a loving touch is dangerous. It will expose a dark place I’ve locked away. My body stiffens even as her touch tries to coax me into obeying her instructions, but what she’s wishing me to do, right now, may simply be too much. I don’t know if I can do it.

“You’re resisting what I’ve asked. I can feel it. There has to be a moment in your life where you felt this kind of connection, but now you’re not willing to reach back and bring the memory to life. Why?”

“You’re asking me to do something, think of things, I’ve refused to dwell on for years.” Our eyes are locked on each other with an intensity I never knew possible. But I believe she understands my confession and knows how difficult this is for me.

“You do remember a certain time you felt that comforting touch, don’t you? You’re fighting it, I can see. Your entire body tensed up as I was touching you. Even the muscles on your face are strained and tight.” She stops and stares deep into my eyes. Her gaze penetrates me, reaching deep inside as if she’s trying to draw my secrets out. Those I’m not willing to share.

“Do you want to know what I see in your eyes right now?” I don’t respond to her question. I’m sure she’s going to let me know her assessment regardless of my reply. “A scared man. Scarred, too. You may have conquered Wall Street, but you’ve not conquered your own demons. They lie repressed inside of you. Releasing them will heal you. It’s like a cancer eating away inside of you. Keeping you from experiencing life to its fullest. Believe me, you can do this, Kingsley. Let them go.”

“How?” I know she’s right. I can’t even form an argument to deny what she’s said. And honestly, the fight within me to hide myself from her requires more energy than I have tonight. The day has left me raw with my defenses down. I'm afraid I'm about to crumble at her feet and reveal more to her than I have even to myself. Would she want me if she knew I was broken, unable to open up?

“Can you think of one time where a touch was so powerful you can almost feel it again just by reliving the memory?” She’s back to rubbing my hands. She has no idea she’s encouraging me to go back to the one person who has loved me the most, my mother. I never mention her name aloud to anyone. Even after her death, my friends stayed clear of the subject. It’s a gamble for me, and I have no idea what the consequences will be if I talk about her, think about her, and remember her.

“There is one person who loved me like you’re talking about. But the memories I have with her are something I prefer not to think about.” I try to draw a line but it’s vague at best. Kathryn will try to erase it and have me cross over it. I can feel her pulling at me now. Leading me toward some cliff where I’ll likely free fall.

“You have a simple choice right now. Go back to those memories, open the door to them or we can stop right where we are. There’s no reason to continue, and I can’t make you think about this person or the memories. The choice is yours.”

The choice to bury my mother’s memory is how I’ve gotten through the last ten years knowing I was the reason she took her own life. No matter how warped her reasoning was, she believed her suicide was the best thing for me, that it would free me. How fucking wrong she was.

“I don’t want to end what we have going on here, but I don’t know if I can go back to those memories. I’ve embargoed them for years.”

“Because they’re too painful?”

“What other reason would there be?” As cruel as I sound, I don’t care if she’s offended by my tone.

“Fair enough.” Her words are conciliatory. “We can quit if you’d like? It’s getting late anyway.”

“I shouldn’t have bitten off your head. Please, I’ll try.” I speak quickly before I really think about the ramifications of what I’ve said. Can I really do this?

“If you are sure?” I nod and express the same response with my eyes. There’s no turning back now. The cliff I’ve imagined is in front of me, and I may be taking her down with me. “If it’s all right with you, I think it’s best if you remove your shirt so I can have direct contact with your skin.”

I gladly comply with her request and pull the T-shirt over my head in a flash. I’m sitting half-naked in front of her now, but I’ve never felt so bare or exposed in my whole life. Never have I given my nakedness a thought around a woman, but with her, right now in this moment, I am totally vulnerable. My skin a flimsy covering to the mess inside, as my warring emotions are trying to break free.

“I’m going to move closer to you.” Kathryn scoots my way on the cushiony mat. Her nearness feels good to me. If I’m going to do this, I want her as close as she’s willing to be.

“Normally, in my private teaching session, everyone keeps their clothes on. What you’re doing is out of the ordinary for me. And I’d like to take it one step further if possible. Although knowing you, I’m sure you’ll have no issue with it.” A cute smirk marks her face. “What I’d like to have you do is cross your legs in front of yourself.”

My mind drifts back to the Tantra book I browsed through and the image of the couple with the woman straddling the man. My cock gets hard just thinking she may intend for us to be in a similar position. But I may be too distracted, having her so close and wrapped around me, to continue with this mental exercise she’s trying to teach me. Will I be able to control myself and keep my hands away from her? Looking at the tent in my pants, I know my cock is going to be a problem, too.

I swing my legs out in front of me, trying not to knock into her as I do. I lean back on the mat with my hands behind me for support as I cross my legs in front of me. Now I’m in position, just liked she requested, sitting with my back straight.

“Now, I’m going to sit on your lap and with my legs going around your sides. I never do this when I’m teaching Tantra, only when I’m practicing it with someone. But I think we need this intimacy for you to open up to me, and for you to finally go back to that place in your past. Normally, I would press myself against your, um, your penis.” She looks down where my penis is located and her brows rise. My arousal can’t be missed. I’m big by most standards in this department from what I’ve been told, so my erection is definitely on her radar now.

“As you can see, I’d be fine with that.” She’s likely not going to appreciate my sex-laced comment. But hell, I’m a man with one damn painful hard-on for this woman, and the thought of her pussy coming into contact with me sounds damn fine.

“I can see that,” she says looking down at my crotch with a knowing smile. “But please try to control yourself as much as possible. Our time is about receiving not about achieving, and you’re used to achieving when you’re in this kind of state, that’s for sure.”

Kathryn climbs onto my lap, her pussy comes dangerously close to my aching cock, but to my disappointment doesn’t directly touch me. It appears there will be no bump and grind for now. But I swear I can feel the heat of her sex now that she’s opened to me. I can’t help but wonder if she’s wet, and turned on like I am. Never have I been this close to a woman with her legs spread without removing her clothes and thrusting balls deep into her. Control might be more than I can handle, as my body wants to react on memory due to the countless times I’ve been in this position before.

“I’ll try to calm myself down, but I don’t think there is much hope with you sitting this close and practically dry-humping me. Truthfully, I want to rip your damn clothes off. So yes, I’m having a hard time right now, pun intended.”

“I don’t mean to make this difficult for you, and I appreciate you being honest with me as well. We need honesty for this session to work, so please tell me how you’re feeling even if you don’t think I want to hear it. I’ll try not to torture you, and remember it’s best not to focus on sex, instead focus on trying to open up a memory locked inside you. I’m going to teach you a Tantric breathing technique that will help you concentrate on something else besides sex. Hopefully it will help.”

“I sure as hell hope it does, too.” My remarks are a sarcastic plea.

She places her hands on my bare shoulders and spreads her fingers out over my skin, making small circles. I react with a little shiver, although I’m sure it didn’t escape her trained eye.

Kathryn has to know what she’s doing to me. It’s crazy. A few simple touches on my skin and I feel like it’s the most intimate contact I’ve ever experienced with a woman in my life. I wonder if it’s not so much the contact that makes it different, but whose hands are driving me wild. Either way, I pray she continues.

“Follow my lead here. I want you to breathe the opposite of my breaths. When I inhale you exhale. Let’s try it, and remember complete eye contact, at all times.”

Kathryn breathes in deeply, then exhales slowly with a full blow. She bobs her head for me to follow. I breathe in and out to mirror hers, while our eyes remain focused on each other. The only movement is a slight rise from our chests as we breathe, and her hands as they continue to touch me.

Our transposed breathing is sensuous; it feels like a sexual rhythm of in and out. A push and pull. The technique’s erotic feeling further stimulates me, which is the exact opposite of what Kathryn hoped for. But it’s arousing in a different way. Sure, I want to pound into her right now, but there is also an unusual feeling over my whole body. A relaxing sensation, one I’ve never experience before having sex or in any other situation for that matter.

“You’re doing well. Keep it up.” Her hands continue to rub over my chest. Splayed out and lightly massaging me.

“I’m feeling strange, good, but strange.” She smiles knowingly back at me, and to my surprise kisses my cheek.

“That’s good. It means you’re finally starting to relax and let go. When you become more relaxed you will be sensitive to the erotic side of our intimacy.” Her lips tickle my ears as she speaks, and her full breasts press against my bare skin. It’s almost too much for me to take at this point. “Now try to focus on the breathing. It will be just enough to distract you. At least I hope.”

“I’ll try, but having your beautiful breasts in my face is killing me.” She pushes back, and her perfect tits are no longer touching me. Why did I have to open my big mouth? I want to tell her they were fine pressing against me and please bring them back, but I keep my thoughts to myself.

“Back to our breathing, okay? And quiet. Listen to the music playing. Do you feel the beat?”

“Yes,” I say. I almost don’t recognize my voice; it’s weak but so relaxed as her hands continue their sweet torment against my skin.

“Breathe and exhale on the beats. Get in sync with the music. Let your senses become involved, come alive.”

A little too much of me has come alive right now, and there doesn’t seem to be a thing I can do about it. I’m powerless with her this close to me, rubbing her hands all over me. And, holy fuck, I can feel her hips starting to move on my legs. They’re circling to the beat of the music. I want to press up into her, relieve my ache. It would just take one swift move of my hips for my cock to get some relief and touch her.

I hold back but it becomes worse. Focusing on the breathing and following her lead will hopefully help, but it’s likely impossible at this point.

Minutes seem to float by as we continue breathing. Kathryn keeps massaging me. Our gazes stay intensely fixed, neither one of us looking away. All of these sensations combine together and make me feel something I can’t quite name. I’ve never meditated before, but my centered concentration makes me wonder if this is what it feels like. All my energy seems gathered and focused as if the world around us has faded away.