Indulgence (145 page)

Dinner is light and pleasant. I have mahi mahi while he has
sea bass, and Marlene orders crab. They serve a whipped spinach that’s
delicious, and I order a baked sweet potato, while Jaz gets a big helping of
whole kernel corn. He talks about the colt and how much he enjoyed all of that,
and I’m so glad I had just a little smidgen of luck yesterday. Marlene seems
delighted with the story, and she even pats my hand and says, “Bravo, Kimmie!”

But when dinner is over and we’re waiting for dessert, Jaz
stands abruptly and says, “I’m headed to the restroom. Be right back.” I don’t
get a chance to yell out
Please don’t leave me here with her!
before he
disappears down the back hallway. He did this on purpose, I just know it. You
just wait until we get back in the car.

And, sure enough, Marlene turns to me immediately. “So, Jaz
has told me all about you. You don’t really have any family?”

“No. Not really. They shu . . .” No. I can’t say that.
She’ll wonder why if I do. “Um, they live pretty far away.” Yeah. Peoria.
Because that’s
sooooo
far away.

“I see. It wouldn’t have anything to do with your, um,
lifestyle choices, now would it?” Damn. How do these things happen to me? I
start to say something to defend myself when she adds, “I see the collar around
your neck. Don’t think I haven’t read up on all of that. He’s my baby brother,
and I want to understand what he’s doing, if I can.” She takes another sip of
wine as I sit there, my eyes getting wider by the minute. “Of course, it’s kind
of uncomfortable reading about the kinds of things your little brother is doing
in his bedroom, but that’s really none of my business, now is it?”

What’s the right answer? I just mumble out, “I supposed it’s
only your business if you make it your business.”

“I’ll tell you what
is
my business,” she snaps, her
voice forceful. “Jaz is my business. I don’t want to see him hurt. I know you
know about all of that, but you weren’t there. He almost didn’t make it. He was
suicidal for a couple of years.” He didn’t tell me
any
of that. “We were
afraid for him, really afraid. He had a friend, Reggie, who kind of kept tabs
on him and watched him. Reggie lives here now.”

“Yes. I spent the last few days with his submiss . . . wife.
He’s a great guy.”

“Yes, he is. I think in a lot of ways, he saved Jaz’s life.
My baby brother was so destroyed. That bitch of an ex-wife went off to the
loony bin, and he was left to take care of Melissa all by himself, not to mention
the fact that he was recovering physically too. And he wasn’t sure if he’d ever
fully recover, so he was terrified of what that would mean. He really thought
his life was over.”

“I’m glad he had you and Reggie to look out for him.” The
thought of Jaz possibly not being here now makes my heart hurt.

“Me too. But I want you to know that if you hurt him, I
swear, I’ll hunt you down and . . .”

“I’d never hurt him! I love him more than anything in this
world. Look, you don’t know me, but I’ve been hurt too. You have no idea. So
before you go threatening me, you need to know that my life hasn’t been rosy
either.” I want to tell her what happened to me, make her understand, but Jaz
picks that moment to come back to the table.

“You girls have a nice chat?”

I pat his hand and I’m getting ready to tell him what a
pleasure it’s been when Marlene blurts out, “Yes. Oh, and by the way, someone’s
been asking about the farm.”

Shit, shit, shit!
I have no idea what the attorney
told her, so I just stare at my food and take a big bite, hoping I don’t choke.

I hear Jaz say, “Oh? What do you mean?”

“Some attorney. Wanted to know if I had any interest in it.
When I said no, he asked if I’d sign a quit-claim deed.”

“And?” Jaz’s voice is strained.

“I asked who wanted to know about it, but he said that was
confidential.” I have to fight a
Whew!
so he won’t know I’m involved.
“He sent it and I signed it. Attorney in Chicago, actually.” In that instant, I
realize: She knows. She’s torturing me. I’m sure of it.

Now the tone of Jaz’s voice changes. “Chicago? Who do we
know in Chicago who’d want anything to do with the farm?”

“Only you,” Marlene shoots back and takes another bite of
crab. I glance up at her and she gives me a wily smile. I am so fucked it’s not
even funny. “No one else I can think of.”

“That’s weird. Wonder why they haven’t contacted me?” As
soon as he says it, I choke on my tea and start to cough violently. “Kimmie?
Honey, you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I wheeze out between coughs. “I’ll be right
back.” I jump up from the table and practically run down the hallway. Once I
make it into the bathroom, I lock myself in a stall, lean against the stall
door, and try to catch my breath.

I haven’t been in there three minutes when a feminine voice
says, “Kimmie?”

Well, might as well get this over with
, I tell myself
as I open the stall door to find Marlene leaning back against the vanity on the
other side of the room. “Yeah.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, thanks.” I walk to a sink, take a look in
the mirror, and dab under my eyes with a wet paper towel.

“Kimmie, I know it’s you. You’re the one with the attorney
sniffing around. If you want him for that farm, know that it’s in poor shape
and the house is falling . . .”

“NO!” A rage is rising in my chest and my face is getting
hot. I’m sure it’s brilliant crimson. “I want that farm for HIM! When he talks
about being there as a kid, there’s so much pain in his face that it takes my
breath away. I want us to be able to move there, for him to be able to live
there and have the life he’s always wanted. I’d do anything to make him happy.”
As I’ve talked, my voice has gone from strong and indignant to wilted and soft.
“Anything to make him happy. I’m selling my house to have the money for
renovations.” I finally look over at her to find her mouth hanging wide open.
“What? Can’t believe anyone would love your brother enough to do something like
that for him? He’s a fine man and a fine Master, and I’m lucky to have him. I’d
walk through fire for him. If he needed a heart, I’d give him mine, because it
wouldn’t be worth anything if he wasn’t there with me.” She still doesn’t say
anything. “So please,
please
, don’t ruin this, please? I want this to be
a wonderful surprise. The attorney’s drawing up the paperwork in his name.
It’ll be his. My name won’t be on it anywhere. But I’m doing this for
him
,
Marlene. If he were to decide he didn’t want me anymore, my only consolation
would be knowing that he was there and had a happy life.”

Her eyes go soft. “You really do love him, don’t you?”

I let out a huge sigh with the rise and fall of my
shoulders. “Why the hell is that so hard for you to believe? Yes. I really,
truly do love him, and he loves me.”

“You’re selling your house?” Apparently she’s still having
trouble with that detail.

“Yes. I’m selling my house. But he doesn’t know it yet. So
please, Marlene, please . . .”

“No, no, I won’t say anything. He loved it there with
Grandma and Grandpa. I remember him begging our parents to let him live there
with them, and they wouldn’t, but he would’ve been right there if they had.”
She stops and stares into my face. “Kimmie, all I’ve ever wanted for Jaz was
for him to be happy. He seemed happy with his job and Meredith, but I know
there were lots of problems there. And now, he seems happy with you. I hope
it’s more than an illusion.”

“It is. We’re very happy together.”

“Good. Then let’s go back out here and sit down. I think
there’s dessert waiting for us.” She strides across the restroom and opens the
door, holding it for me. “Well, come on. We don’t want to waste cake.”

Jaz rises when we come back to the table, and he leans his
head down and stares into my eyes. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Just got a little choked,” I answer in barely more
than a whisper. I just know Marlene’s going to spill the beans.

But she doesn’t. We finish the meal in conversation, and
when it’s time to go, Jaz gives her a big hug. “Oh, I just miss you so much!
It’s so good to see you,” she whispers to him.

“I miss you too. Tell the girls I said hello. And that
grandson of yours.”

“Will do.” She turns to me and I get the shock of my life.
“It was so nice to meet you, Kimmie,” she murmurs as she hugs me.

I give her a little extra squeeze. “Nice to meet you too,
Marlene. I hope I get to see you again soon.”

“Me too. You two be careful going back tomorrow. Love you
both.”

“Love you, sis,” Jaz calls back. I see how sad he is to
watch her walk away, and I’m sad for him. “Well, guess we should call it a
night, huh? I’m exhausted.” He helps me into the car and we head back to the
hotel. All the while, I’m praying silently that Marlene keeps my secret.

When we get back to the room, we both strip off and take a
shower together. We make love in the shower, my hands on the glass while he
enters me from behind, and between the hot water and the scent of the bath gel,
it’s intoxicating and erotic. Finally falling into bed, we lie there awake for
at least two hours, talking about the trip, the things we enjoyed, how much
we’d like to come back, and what’s going to happen when we get back. He wants
to keep looking for a job here. And I want to tell him what I’m up to.

But not yet.

*****

They wave goodbye and so do we as we drive away the next
afternoon. “I have to tell you, I really like Reggie and Misty,” I say as we
pull onto the interstate.

“They really like you too. I wish we could spend more time
with them. I miss Reggie a lot. We were good friends in California. We’ve tried
to stay in touch, but it’s hard when we’re both working and we live several
hours apart.”

“But you’ve managed. That’s to your credit. You understand
the value of friendships, and it shows. And they’re great people.”

“You know,” he says, watching the road but his voice
focused, “we really should spend more time with Michael and Robyn. I mean,
you’ve known them a lot longer than I have, but they seem like the real deal.”

“They are. Without them, I don’t know what would’ve happened
to me when . . .” I realize in that moment that I haven’t thought about Phil
the whole time we’ve been gone, and it’s been liberating at the very least.
“Well, while I was really down. They were there for me in some of the worst
times of my life, and Michael would’ve graciously taken over as my Dominant,
sex-free, if I had let him. But I wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, he’s a caretaker for sure,” Jaz grins.

“Just like you.” I lean over and drop a kiss on his cheek.

“I’m a caretaker?” he scoffs.

“Yes. You absolutely are. And I love you for it.”

“Well, thanks then. And thanks for sharing this trip with
me. I’ve enjoyed having you along.”

“Thanks for inviting me. I loved it – all of it. Except the
part where they promoted the douchebag. That sucked.”

Jaz starts laughing loudly. “Douchebag, huh? You’re
hysterical. I love you, Kimmie.”

“I love you too. Watch where you’re going,” I bark and he
starts laughing again.

If this is the rest of my life, I’m a lucky woman.

*****

“Oh, god, I’m so tired.” I drop onto the sofa like a limp
noodle. Our luggage is strewn around, and I don’t even care. When he tries to
pick it up and move it, I just say, “Leave it. I’ll take care of all of it
tomorrow.”

“But I’ve got to have my toiletries. I have to go to work
tomorrow, remember?” He’s digging through his small personal bag, trying to
find everything he needs.

“I know. I wish you didn’t.”

“Me too.” He finally just gives up and plops down beside me.
“Can I ask you something?”

Nodding, I answer, “Sure. Anything.”

His eyes roll upward as he stares at the ceiling. “If you
could change anything about your life, what would it be?”

I think for a few minutes. “Well, I started to say meeting
and marrying Phil, but that wouldn’t be true. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t
have Jeffrey.” Jaz nods. “And I wouldn’t change the fact that we split up, but
I would change the
way
he went about it.”

“I can see why you’d say that.”

“Yeah.” After a few seconds, I say, “Well, I would change
the fact that I spent the last few years alone. If I could change things, I’d
find a way to meet you a lot sooner. And in between, I’d take Michael up on his
offer, you know, protection and guidance. I would’ve been a lot better off over
the last few years if I’d let him watch out for me and handle my pain
management.” That’s how I’ve come to think of it and, in reality, that may be
pretty close to correct. “So what about you?”

“I wouldn’t have gotten my degree.”

“What? I can’t believe you’d say that! I’d give anything to
have a college education, and you’d skip that?”

“I didn’t say I’d skip college. I just would’ve gotten a
different degree. I would’ve gotten one in animal husbandry or agricultural
land management or something. I could’ve gone back to the farm and lived there.
Now that’s not even a possibility.”
Oh, yeah? We’ll see about that!
, I
want to scream, but I fight the urge.

“So you wouldn’t have met Meredith?”

“I didn’t say that either. I met Meredith after college.”

I haven’t heard this story. “How
did
you meet her?”

“My first job after I graduated. Her father owned the
company.”

“What kind of company?”

“Big logistics firm. I hated that job, stuck in a cubicle
day in and day out. But then there was the boss’s daughter. I have to admit,
she was a looker. I suppose she still is. I have no idea; I haven’t seen her in
years.”

“Is that where you were working when you, well, when she . .
.”