Inarticulate (26 page)

D
ear Keenan
,

I’m finding it hard to gain closure. Something in my chest isn’t sitting right. So I was hoping this email might help.

I want you to know that I did fight for you. You just didn’t see it.

The battle was internal. I combatted the pain of not being good enough, and the heartache of humiliation. I brawled with self-doubt and struggled to overcome things that were out of my control. But now I see that you’ve been trying to conquer all those things for a lot longer than me.

Please know that I did read your emails, your texts, and kept all your gifts. You words—written or otherwise—have always meant the world to me.

You also mean the world to the Augustines, so please don’t shut them out.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve been given a wealth of information on all things Keenan Black. My aunt calls me incessantly. It seems she picks up the phone whenever she’s reminded of something you’ve done to make her smile.

Apparently, you’ve made her smile often.

She wants you to be happy. And believe it or not, Penny and Dominic do, too. I never thought I’d see the day when the cousin who hates me and the one who warned me away from you would both team together to play matchmaker.

No matter how alone you feel, you have some truly great friends at your side. Please don’t push them away. I know Dominic is giving you a hard time, but he’ll get over it. He can’t be too angry if he’s leaving messages on my voicemail that pertain to your sexual prowess and how I’ll soon learn that I can’t live without it.

Anyway, I better get going. I just wanted you to know there’s no hard feelings on my side. And I hope there’s none on yours.

I still think you’re remarkable.

And, hey, maybe it shouldn’t be a case of two chances too many. Maybe it’s third time lucky. Who knows?

For now, I’m going to take a break from Rydel and see where the world takes me.

Savannah

“
S
he hasn’t left Seattle
.”

Keenan kept his attention on the road, pretending he didn’t know who Penelope was talking about as he drove her ass home. Her broken down car story was a load of shit. Her problem was a case of wanting to drink for New Year’s and the expectation that he would be her chauffeur.

Not likely. He was going to dump and run.

Spending the night at Mrs. Augustine’s, drinking with Dominic who wanted to gut him, and Penelope who was suddenly more overprotective than usual, was as inviting as a prostate exam from his high school gym teacher.

“Mom said Savannah’s not handling losing you.” He could see her shrug in his periphery. “I don’t blame her. Been there. Done that. Created the theme park in my mind so I never forget it.”

Fuck.
He ground his molars and pressed his toes harder on the accelerator, a one-track mind set on getting the fuck out of this conversation. The settlement had been hard enough. He’d had to sit across the table from Spencer, his imagination running wild with all the ways the asshole would’ve comforted Savannah. And he would’ve comforted her. He could see it in the man’s eyes. Could tell the guy was out for blood and pleased he was on the winning team.

“I know you didn’t want to tell me how you ended things the other day, but maybe you should get in contact with her again. Just once. Ya know, for closure.”

Nope. Not going there. He’d been castrated by the email Savannah sent yesterday. Castrated over and over and over again until he was certain he’d never regain his masculinity. A reply wouldn’t gain closure. It would only prolong the misery and the unending loop of castration.

“Would you want to see her again?”

Fuck.
He slammed his palms against the steering wheel and shot her a glare.

“Just asking…”

He turned onto Mrs. Augustine’s street and contemplated booting Penelope out the door without slowing. He wouldn’t even pause. Before him, the tree-lined street housed less than the usual herd of cars associated with an Augustine party. There were only one or two. Dominic’s Mustang included. The subdued gathering wouldn’t change his mind, though. Anything less than solitary confinement would be a chore.

He pulled into the drive, stopped before the garage, and waited for Penelope to get the fuck out.

“You’re not coming in?”

He was still glaring at her. How could she not see that?

“Mom will be furious. I think she prepared something special in the hopes you’d show.”

He jerked a thumb toward the house, telling her to get out.

“Fine. Be a dick.” She shoved open the passenger door and slid from the car. “But before you go. You might want to check out the porch.”

His gaze traveled to the place in question, where Dominic stood before the front door, scowl in place, beer bottle raising to his mouth.

Nope
.
Definitely not a welcome party he was willing to be greeted by.

“Is that enough inspiration to hang around?”

He glared at Penelope, signed fuck-no and jammed the gearstick into reverse.

She gaped in return, her surprise catching him off guard. “You really don’t want to see her?”

Her? He looked again, scouring the porch from one side of the building all the way along to the lone figure standing at the far corner. At first, he thought it was a trick of the dwindling daylight. An apparition. But the more he narrowed his eyes, the clearer the vision became.

And she was a vision.

A sight to behold.

“Savannah,” he whispered her name and felt it echo through his ears. What the fuck was she doing here?

He couldn’t tear his concentration from her as she came to stand against the railing, her lips parted slightly, her eyes wary. There wasn’t an inch of him that knew how to react. He was frozen in confusion. Mesmerized. Completely awestruck by the simplicity of her gloved hands clutching the balustrade and her pink cheeks framed by the raised collar of her jacket.

Why
? he signed.

“Like I said, she’s having trouble letting go. I don’t think it helps when Mom, Dominic, and I are berating her to give you another chance.”

He pulled his focus from the porch and met Penelope’s gaze.

“You do love her, don’t you?” Her heartache was evident. Her resolution, too.

There was no need to ponder. He nodded, slow and confident. “
I do
.”

She smiled, but the happiness didn’t reach her glassy eyes. “Then give her everything this time. More than you give my mom, or Dominic, and even me. Be yourself, Keenan. And let her love you back.”

She shut the door between them, leaving him to sink into his seat, the engine still rumbling beneath him as she walked toward her brother, then into the house. He still didn’t need to contemplate how he wanted this night to end. The outcome his heart pounded for was set in stone. But for the first time in years, he questioned his worth.

It seemed he’d spent a lifetime trying to prove himself to others, to convince them of his value. Now he was the one who couldn’t see it. He wasn’t entirely sure that ‘being himself’ was going to be enough. Not for her.

He wondered if she considered his silence petulant, like his father did. Or if she’d give him ultimatums to ensure he spoke aloud, like his mother had. No. He shook his head and cut the engine. He would never have fallen in love with a woman capable of that. And he was in love—wholeheartedly, undeniably, even unintentionally.

He grabbed his cell from the center console and slid from the car. His expression was devoid of the hope he carried in his chest as he came to stand before Dominic, waiting for the inevitable assault he wasn’t sure would come in physical or verbal form.

“I’m not warning her anymore.” Dominic took a gulp of his beer, his scowl fixed. “I’ll warn you, though. Do right by her this time or we’re done. You hear m—”

“Dominic,” Savannah’s soft plea carried from the corner of the porch. “I can look after myself.”

“Yeah.” His friend gave him a look brimming with silent threats and then reached for the door. “You’ve done a great job of that so far, Savvy.”

It was a modest warning, definitely less than Keenan expected or deserved. He’d take it, though, and remember it nonetheless. There would be no more contemplation of an imminent end. If given the chance, he would aim for a relationship without an expiration date. He was striving for forever, the target forging itself into his mind as Dominic slammed the front door.

His throat tightened at the first step onto the porch and grew painful when he faced her. She turned to him and leaned her back against the railing. There was no greeting. No welcome or murmured hello. She didn’t say a thing, merely eyed him, the careless whisper of her lashes sweeping back and forth as her chest rose and fell with heavy breaths.

He felt awkward in the silence he’d grown to derive comfort from. He’d kill to give her his words. The real ones. Not whispered, not typed. But the desert in his mouth assured him he’d slaughter everything that left his lips.

“A-are…” Yep. He wasn’t wrong.

She shook her head, denying his failed attempt to connect. Instead, her gaze spoke to him with fluency. She told him a story of heartache and loss, yearning and anger. She laid her pain at his feet and he took it in, letting it destroy him all over again.

“A-are…”
Fuck.
He chanced a step forward, one foot in front of the other, again and again in the hopes she was here to let him salvage something he didn’t deserve to have.

“It’s okay. You can use your phone if you want.”

No. He shook his head. His cell would be a last resort.

Her shoulders tensed the closer he approached, the depth of her inhalations growing once they came face to face, mere feet apart. He’d caged her into the corner, and still she didn’t move, didn’t slide away. She kept screaming to him with her expression. Beseeching him for his carelessness and begging him for his affection with the shiny glaze in her eyes.

He conveyed all he could with his returned look. He tried to tell her of his unending regret and the enormity of his love. His heart was pounding rapidly behind his sternum with the physical need for her to know. He couldn’t live without her witnessing his agony and vulnerability. Everything was hers to take.

She could have it all.

He took another step, the last step, and brought them toe to toe. Adrenaline poisoned his blood at her mere proximity and the accompanied perfume teasing his senses. He leaned in, testing the boundaries that should’ve been thick and impenetrable and stopped close to her ear.

“Are you here for me?” he whispered.

He retreated at her silence, his stomach rolling from the weight of the assault. Her pained expression didn’t give him a clue to her answer. It could be yes or no. Hope or defeat. Heaven or more torturous hell.

“Yes,” she murmured. “In my email, I told you I was going to see where the world takes me.” She lowered her gaze. “Apparently, it doesn’t want to take me anywhere without resolving this. I got as far as the airport before I had to turn back.”

Something hard slammed into his chest. Regret, maybe. Or overwhelming optimism. He straightened, needing to see her, all of her, before he could truly believe he had a chance.

She swallowed under his attention, her gorgeousness increasing with the impressive show of vulnerability. “I want to trust your emails, Keenan. Aunt Michelle even tried to convince me of your sincerity, but I need you to look me in the eye and tell me they were truthful.”

His palm itched, his hand rising of its own accord to approach the stray strands of hair framing her gorgeous face. He waited for her to slap his touch away, only to be greeted with a slight tremble of her lips as he gently cupped her cheek. There was never anything more profound or punishing than her fragility in that moment.

She was pliable under his touch. Broken under his attention.

“
Truth
,” he mouthed with solemn conviction.

A lone tear ran down her cheek. He couldn’t stand it, couldn’t protect himself against the miniscule amount of liquid that inspired nausea and almost brought him to his knees. The evidence of her pain hit his thumb, landing a punishing blow with such sweet efficiency.

He was so sorry—for the lies, for the betrayal, for the weakness. He didn’t want to hold back anymore. He needed her to see everything, to cast her gaze upon him with unfettered scrutiny and see everything he’d hidden.

“I wish I didn’t believe you.”

A shuddering breath left her lips and he leaned into it, sucking it into his lungs as he rested his forehead against hers. He stared into eyes that spoke to him on every level, and failed at holding in a tremble when she placed her gloved palm around his neck, holding him close.

Her touch burned him, even through her glove. Everything she did marked him. Scarred him. He inched closer, brushing their noses briefly, still waiting for her rejection as his mouth brushed hers. There was nothing more life changing than that kiss. His world shifted, his focus for the future narrowed entirely on one person. One remarkable woman.

His love was etched into every movement of his lips, into the glide of his tongue and the delicate sweep of his thumb over her cheek. He told her he adored her with every beat of his heart and the way he pulled their bodies close with his free arm, hugging her.

When they broke apart, she blinked back at him, her meaningful expression softening in what he hoped was reflected affection.

“I need you to promise me one thing.”

He nodded, willing to give up his soul if she asked.

“I want you to trust me. Maybe not right away…but soon. I need your trust really soon.”

“
I will
.” He nodded again, over and over. “
I do.
”

Her brows drew close, her gaze searching for the truth. He was sure she could see it laid bare for her to take. Nobody knew him like she did. Even through the deception, she still held more of him than anyone else ever had.

“Okay.” Tentatively, she buried her face in his neck, the action filled with nervous apprehension. “I feel like such an idiot for falling for you, Keenan. But I did. I love you, no matter how hard it is to admit.”

He stiffened, every inch of him taut. He’d heard the declaration before, from numerous women. Never from her. Never when the meaning laid a lifetime of happiness at his feet.

She’d broken him with three words.

Three syllables.

He pressed her back into the balustrade and rested his hips against hers. “I promise you the world,” he whispered.

She pulled away, frowning. “Your exaggeration doesn’t fill me with comfort, Keenan.”

“I promise you
my
world,” he clarified, hoping his almost silent tone didn’t lack persuasion. “I’ll give it all. I’ll give anything.
That
I promise.” It wasn’t an exaggeration. It wasn’t a lie. He was done with hiding from her. Finished with protecting himself at her expense. His life was hers to take, and with it came his secrets and his vulnerabilities.

“Thank you.” A smile nudged her lips, her restrained happiness sinking into his lungs.

He entwined their fingers and held them to his chest, hoping to reiterate his vow, not only to her, but to the Augustines who he knew were spying on them from one point or another in the house.

“They’re watching aren’t they?” she asked, reading his mind.

He laughed, this time not holding in the sound that came with it.

Her lips parted, her surprise evident in her wide eyes and tightening grip. “You can laugh?”

“Yeah, sweetheart,” he whispered with a kiss. “I can laugh.”

She shook her head, her awe inspiring a harsh pound behind his sternum. “I’m going to enjoy getting to know you again, aren’t I?”

He was banking on it. Praying for it. Settling all his hopes on the third time being the charm. “Yeah.” He nodded and lifted her off her feet. “I’m going to make sure you do.”