In Too Deep (8 page)

Chapter Sixteen

I awoke that night to the sound of glass shattering in the kitchen.

I jolted up in bed, instantly breaking into a cold sweat.  My arm reached to wake Jackson but all I got was a handful of cold sheets on his side of the mattress. 
Shit. 
My eyes darted to the clock on his nightstand.  Two-fifteen in the morning and I was home alone, an unidentified noise flashing me back to the night I’d come back from Sofie’s party to find a strange man in my room.  After all, the police had never found him.  Perhaps he was back for more – back to make sure I didn’t remember what he looked like.  
Please, please, please,
I prayed as I slipped out the bed, hoping to God that I had just imagined the sound.  I was looking around my room for a heavy object when I heard a drunk, gravelly voice.

“Fuck, that’s gonna hurt tomorrow.”

My jaw clenched.

Jackson.  My fingers balled into fists at my sides as I abandoned my search for a weapon and stormed downstairs, ready to snap at him for scaring the shit out of me.  Our home had been broken into just eight weeks ago.  My heart still wasn’t ready for other bumps in the night.  My pulse racing, I rushed into the kitchen.

“
Jackson
.  What the hell just hap – ”

I stopped midsentence when instead of Jackson, I saw Jake standing there, leaning casually against the counter.  He wore the same white shirt as before but now it was half unbuttoned, a hard line of muscle peeking out.  I froze, unblinking as I watched his glassy eyes slide down from my face to my body.  Only then did I realize I was wearing my sheer nightgown – a flimsy, black thing that ended just below my crotch.  Clearly drunk, Jake let himself stare at me for several silent seconds.  “God fucking help me,” he finally muttered, laughing bitterly to himself.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest and keeping my distance.  He laughed but before he could say a word, Jackson stumbled out of the bathroom.

“Babe! You’re up!” he cheered jovially.  I realized then that he was somewhere between hammered and blackout drunk because under normal circumstances, he’d put on a face a shame and show some kind of respect for my wrath.  Instead, he held out his arms for me to walk into, completely oblivious to my mood.  “Get the fuck over here, sexy.  Whoa, hey, wait.  Jake’s here,” he said as if that weren’t totally obvious.  “You can’t walk around like that.”

I stared, in disbelief of the situation.  “Or I’ll just go back to bed.  Just make sure you don’t break any more glasses.”

“No, come here and have a nightcap with us, babe.”

“I don’t think you need a nightcap, Jackson,” I said.  As he bent over to pick up a shard of glass from the floor, I let my eyes snap back at Jake.  He seemed to detect it because his gaze returned leisurely from my body to my face.  I knew I was visibly fuming and it only got worse when he dared to crack a dirty little smile. 
What the fuck.

“I’m going upstairs, Jackson.”

“Babe, wait.”

I turned back around as Jackson wobbled on his feet.

“Jake needs something to sleep in, can you get him one of my T-shirts?”

I stared at Jackson for a hard second before turning back around.  “Fine.”

I was barely up the stairs when I heard Jackson plod over to the sitting room, throw his body onto the couch and pass out.  Within seconds, he was snoring the way he only did when completely obliterated.  I paused in the hall, listening for Jake.  My stomach twisted ten seconds later when I heard his footsteps coming up the stairs.

Hastily, I made my way down the hall.  But I heard Jake’s voice before I made it to the bedroom.

“Lara.”

I turned rigidly, trying not to visibly tremble as I watched him come toward me, his stride steady, strong despite his drunkenness.  My eyes fluttered to disguise the fact that they’d traveled briefly down to the front of his shirt, its cotton straining to fit across his muscled chest.

“I’m going to get you some clothes,” I murmured when he reached me, nervous and unsure of what to say.  His gaze floated down to my hair, which I’d fanned over my breasts.  “Don’t,” I murmured warningly.

He brought his reluctant eyes back to me, running a heavy hand over his jaw.  “Trust me.  I don’t want to find you this fucking irresistible.”

“Jake – ”

“I know,” he interrupted me with frustration.  “I need to stop.  You’re going to be my brother’s wife.  I can’t think about you or look at you or want you.  I know all of that.”

His words hung in the air as I swallowed.  “Yes,” I finally said.  “I’m glad you know.  Let me get you pajamas so you can get to bed.  The guest room is down the hall from the kitchen.”

I disappeared into the bedroom and thanked God that Jake didn’t follow.  But when I returned, he still stood there in the hall, thick lust visible in his green eyes.  I looked down.  My hair had shifted out of place from sifting through Jackson’s closet.  Cursing, I moved to cover my breasts again but the ends of Jake’s lips twisted upward.

“Nothing I haven’t already seen.  Or touched.”

“We’re not going to talk about that night again, Jake.  In fact, we shouldn’t even think about it.”

“I’d love that but every time I pass the stairs in my apartment, I think about all the sounds that came out of your mouth when I made you come.  The first time and the second time.”

My heart pounded like a hammer.  “Jake, why are you doing this?” I demanded.  “Are you
okay
with all of this? The fact that you
fucked
your brother’s
fiancée?
”

His eyes went steely.  “No.  I’m not okay with anything, Lara.  I don’t know how to take any of the news that you told me today, especially since Jackson hasn’t said a word to match your story,” Jake answered through gritted teeth.  “I have no clue what to think and it’s driving me fucking crazy because all I do know is that we had sex before I knew who you were and now I can’t stop fucking thinking about it.  I can’t stop wishing to touch your body.  I can’t stop wishing to be buried inside you again because you felt fucking unreal.  I’ve been trying to erase the thought of you from my head but I can’t.  You’re the most perfect thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. And I figured, shit, it was for the best when I woke up the next morning and you were gone.  I thought I could stop this infatuation before it grew into something that would take over my mind but I can’t even do that now because here you are.  Engaged to my brother.”  The hollow of his cheek twitched as his jaw tightened.  “I’m always going to hear about you.  I’m always going to see you.  And every time I see you, I’m going to have to remind myself that I can’t look at you or touch you the way I did last night and I know it’s going to drive me fucking insane.”

His words had me reeling and I told myself it wasn’t because I felt anything similar.  “Jake,” I started, my breath so shaky that my teeth chattered.  “Look… you’re drunk right now – ”

“Stop.”

“You’re not thinking straight, you’re – ”

“I know exactly what the fuck I’m thinking, Lara.  I’m a grown man.  I know when I’ve had something different.  Something I’ve never had before.  And I know from the look on your face that you feel the same way too, so don’t stand here and try to – ”

“Please –
what
do you think you know about me?” I challenged angrily.  “What do you think it is that I felt that night?”

“Something more than just two strangers fucking on the floor,” Jake hissed at me.  “I dreamt of you the whole night and thought of you the second I woke up, Lara.  Look me in the eye and tell me it wasn’t the same for you.”

“It wasn’t,” I lied.

He shook his head at me, somehow knowing better.  “I made you feel better than anything you’ve ever felt in your life.”

That’s not true,
I told myself. 
That’s not true, that’s not true.  That’s just not true.
  If I repeated it enough, I might believe it.  Speechless, my chest heaved.  “I’ll show you to the guest room,” I finally said, hoping we could somehow drop the entire conversation.  Walking past him and down the stairs, I heard him follow, quiet until we were past Jackson, past the kitchen and headed down the hall.

“Tell me it felt different, Lara.”

I ignored him, my throat tightening.  Once I was inside the guest room, I bee-lined for the bed, slamming Jake’s change of clothes onto the end of the mattress.  I wanted to spin around and snap something at him.  I wanted to shove him and tell him never to mention the other night again.

But instead I held my breath, sensing him standing right behind mine.  The heat of his chest was on my back.  I cursed my body as I felt something ripple up the back of my thighs.  Anticipation.  I had felt the same thing last night going up the stairs – before he’d grabbed me and thrust his hands between my thighs, letting me rub myself against him.

“Jake,” I breathed a warning when I felt his hands on my waist.  But he ignored it.  He buried his face in the curve of my neck, desire rumbling from his chest as he pressed his torso against my back.  I gasped when I felt his erection jump between our bodies, my fingers curling with lust into Jackson’s T-shirt and shorts. 
Don’t,
I told myself.  But the only thoughts circling my head were about feeling Jake inside me again.

And without thinking, I bent over.  Right away, Jake thrust his hips against me, rubbing his hard cock against my ass.  I closed my eyes and rolled my head back, dizzy with arousal as I heard him grunt.  Biting my lip, I bent further until his erection pressed flat against my pussy.  “Oh God,” I breathed, grinding against him, ripples of pleasure shooting through my body.  My sex throbbed so hard against him that I knew he could feel it through his jeans because he groaned, louder and louder until he suddenly ripped his body away from me.

“Fuck!” he growled, thrusting his fingers through his hair.

“
Sh!
” I hissed desperately, panicked as I waited for Jackson to stir.  But in the sudden quiet of the room, I could still make out the sound of his snoring.  I stared frantically at Jake, waiting for him to say something, waiting for eye contact so I could apologize for what I’d just done.  What was I thinking? We weren’t supposed to look at or touch each other in that way again.  Ever.

But instead of meeting my gaze, Jake cursed and tore off his shirt.  He didn’t so much as glance my way before pushing through the bathroom door.

Upstairs in my room, after my pulse returned to normal, I lay alone in bed.  Rubbing over my panties, I closed my eyes, hating myself as I imagined Jake in the shower, the lined muscles in his forearms twitching as he jerked off the hot, pulsing erection I’d given him.

Chapter Seventeen

“I’m getting the feeling you don’t like this one very much.”  The calligrapher recommended to me by Sofie Winter put away the beautiful, matte wedding invitation in her hands, plucking another with her perfectly manicured fingers.

“No, I do,” I insisted, flustered.  “It’s beautiful.  I’m sorry if I looked distracted.”

“It’s okay,” she gave me a knowing smile.  “Your mind’s just everywhere, isn’t it? You know mommy brain? Well there’s bride brain, too, sweetie, and I think you have it,” she giggled.  “Just means you’ve got too many things going on with the planning and while you’re at the florist’s, you’re thinking about the dress, and while you’re at the fitting, you’re thinking about catering.  It’s totally natural.”

It probably was but I didn’t have bride brain on this particular morning in Gramercy Park.  I had a fiancé who refused to have sex with me.

That morning, Jackson had joined me in the shower.  He’d opened the door, letting me rinse the shampoo from my hair as I watched him peel his dirty clothes off.  “I’m sorry for last night,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to my lips when he got in.  “I don’t remember it that well but I know you had to be pretty rightfully pissed.”

Feeling guilty myself, I had easily accepted his apology and lathered him up with soap, running my hands down his sides and forcing his arms up.  He held them folded behind his head, watching with a lazy grin as I lowered myself to my knees, my palms sliding down to his thighs.  I rubbed a slow, gentle massage onto his legs, feeling his muscles twitch as I let my warm breath tease his hardening cock.

But the second I brushed my lips against his helmet, he winced.  “Lara,” he stepped back.  “No.”

I blinked at him with utter confusion.  He’d never declined sex once in our four years together.  I frowned hard.  “What?”

“I can’t.  Not till you’re done with what you have to do.  I just… can’t.”

“Are you serious? Jackson, please, let’s just forget that.  It doesn’t have to be three times.  I did it once and that was enough.”

Jackson rested his forehead against mine.  “You say that now but you don’t realize how much it fucking hurts when you throw what I did back at me.”

I pulled away, eyes wide with surprise.  “Jackson, I know hurt.”

“This is what I mean.  That’s you throwing it back at me.”

“What, I’m supposed to pretend this
never happened?
” The hot water beat down on me as I stared incredulously.

“I want us to do something as close as possible to that, Lara, yes.  Is that crazy? I want us to forget what happened and leave it all behind and if it takes you fucking whoever it was two more times, then fine.  If that’s the price I have to pay until you understand that what I did meant
nothing
, and that I’ll always love you, then great.  Perfect.  I’ll pay that price.”

I couldn’t believe my ears.  I was being told by my fiancé to sleep with someone else, twice more, before
he
would have sex with me again.  I was so astonished I couldn’t speak, wordlessly moving aside for him as he stepped under the shower, letting the water rain down his wide shoulders.  I could tell that he was annoyed with my stunned silence but I couldn’t think of anything to say.

He was the one who eventually ended the quiet, turning off the showerhead and pushing open the door.  “Just make sure it’s the same fucking guy.  I’d rather you keep it to a minimum,” he muttered before getting out.

His words echoed in my head as the calligrapher turned to me with a sympathetic look.  “Why don’t we reschedule for another time, sweetheart? Maybe you should use the rest of the day to relax – go to the spa, get a massage, turn off your phone.  You know.”

I cocked my head as she glanced down at my phone.  The large screen was packed full with notifications – missed calls and text messages from mostly Sloane and the girls.  I blinked back up at her.  “Was that ringing the whole time?”

“It was.”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t even notice.”

“Bride brain.”

Sure.  “Yes.  Right.  Let’s reschedule then.  I’m so sorry if I wasted your time today.”

“Don’t worry, sweetie.  You’re a bride and you’re having your wedding in New York.  If you think it’s crazy now, just wait till you get closer to the day.  The madness just doesn’t stop!”

As I left the boutique, I prayed that she was wrong about that.  I needed the madness to stop.  I needed to just tell Jackson that I’d gotten the deal over with and that we could just be us again.  Because sleeping with Jake for a second time would be dangerous.  I knew this and I was fiercely determined not to let it happen again.  I needed to wane myself off of him.  I needed to find a way to nix my attraction.

Or at the very least, bring it down enough that I would never again touch myself to the thought of him, all the while laying in his brother’s bed.