In Too Deep (18 page)

N
othing had been the same for me since Travis died. It was kind of funny, actually. As much as I wanted to have nothing to do with him, I'm now tied to him more than anyone else in my life. For years I refused to acknowledge him as my brother. I didn't want to be associated with him. I didn't want to be exposed to his lifestyle. I guess I was just afraid, though I don't really know why. Travis was my brother. Plain and simple. Gay or straight, nothing would ever change that.

So why did I abandon my own flesh and blood?

I could think of a few words: naive, ignorant, immature, cruel, cold, and selfish. I could probably keep going. Or maybe I could use one word to summarize everything.

Stupid.

That's all it was.

Stupid.

All of the other words line up underneath it, like
A, B,
and
C
points in an outline. I let my own stupidity destroy my relationship with Travis. I couldn't help but laugh sometimes. While I lived my life supposedly untouched by his homosexuality, I was slapping myself in the face with it day in and day out. When God wants to let you know that you've been wrong, He sure does it right.

It took me a good six months to get past the fact that Brian had been gay and that I'd been as close to him as I was. In the beginning, after I found out the truth, I threw up anytime I would think about how we'd gone on the business trip and he called me for a condom.

My own brother.

What were the chances of something like that happening?

I never thought my life would end up the way it had. Randy and I had started to speak again, but we were nowhere as close to being as tight as we used to be. I try to reach out to him, but he won't open up with me. He's still pissed about my reaction to Travis's death, and that I never bothered to show up at the funeral service. Now that I'd had time to sit and think, I can't say that I blame him. But at the time I just couldn't go. I wasn't ready to face anything. I wasn't ready to look down on my brother's grave. The whole situation was just too real for me. The day I found out Brian was Travis's lover and murderer, replayed in my mind over and over like a scratch on a CD. I could only hope that the painful memory faded away in time. I hope that in time my relationship with Randy heals. Of course, I knew that the responsibility primarily fell on my shoulders. I guess it was time I own up to a lot of things.

I had to do that after Nakyia left me. When she confronted me about Taki, I was shocked. All this time I thought I had the wool pulled over her eyes and the whole time she'd been the one fooling me. When she left, she bruised not only my balls, but my pride too. She was right. I was the only one who changed in our relationship. I became selfish. I ignored her needs and pushed to the darkest corners of my mind, just what she'd been going through.

I was so alone after she left. I tried to call her and beg her to come back. I needed her in so many ways. Her companionship, her love, her support. I wanted to tell her all of that, but she never returned any of my calls. Without her, my healing process was so much harder.

After Brian's suicide, Taki was given his position at work. I quit before she could fire me. I'd been humiliated enough and the last thing I was going to do was give her the satisfaction of using her authority to smile in my face and take my job away again. I never did see or hear from her after I turned in my resignation. I did hear through some mutual business partners that she'd lost her parental right to her girls because it was discovered that she had an addiction to cocaine that no one had known about. That secret was blown when a friend of Whilice's saw her at a party snorting in the guest bathroom.

I bumped into Whilice once at the gym. We didn't exchange any words as we stared at one another, but I did have my fists ready just in case he wanted to come at me. I know in his position I would have come at me. But he never did. He simply frowned and then walked away. Although he may never admit it, I think he was secretly relieved to be rid of Taki.

Once I left the job, I went into a hibernation of sorts. I didn't go anywhere, didn't do anything, and I didn't call anyone. I kept to myself and my solitude. I did take time to sign the divorce papers that Nakyia had sent to me. But I didn't do that until I made one last effort to get her back. I called her, hoping that maybe I would be able to convince her that I'd realized the error of my ways and that the man she knew and fell in love with was back and ready to love and treat her like a queen again.

Our phone conversation had been cordial, short, and hurtful. Nakyia had no desire to come back to me. There was a joy and peace in her tone that I hadn't heard in a long time. I could practically see her smiling into the receiver when we talked, and I knew that had nothing to do with me. Or maybe it did. Maybe my fooling around had been what she'd needed.

Another slap in the face for me.

I never tried to call her again after that, and that night I signed the papers and sent them on the next day.

Losing Randy's respect and Nakyia's heart left me lonely. For the first time that I could ever remember, no one was there for me. My mother was there of course, but the same disappointment resonated in her voice as it had in Randy's.

I don't remember when I'd made the decision to go to Travis's grave. I guess it must have been somewhere in between my feelings of regret and sadness. All I know is that I got in my car one rainy morning, turned the key in the ignition, and drove.

And now there I was, looking down on a brother I'd deserted years ago. A brother who I knew deep in my soul, had the roles been reversed, would have never done as I had. I didn't speak for a few minutes. I just stood silent while the heavy rain beat down on me, soaking me from head to toe. I didn't care that thunder was exploding in the sky or that lighting streaked above me; I was oblivious to it all. There was nothing but myself and my brother's final resting place.

How could I have disrespected him the way I had?

How could I have never attended the going-home service?

I wanted to cry as I asked myself those and other questions, but I didn't, because I didn't feel I had the right to. I took a look up towards the sky and exhaled away all of the stress that had been weighing me down. With one final crackle in the gray sky, I went down to my knees, touched my brother's headstone, and said the first and only thing that came to my mind.

“Travis . . . I'm sorry.”

“W
hat do you mean there's someone else?”

I stood in shock before my new man as he sat at the breakfast table facing me as though his statement hadn't been a big deal. I met A'sahn at a time when my life had completely bottomed out.

After Whilice left me, I thought my life was going to get better. I'd finally managed to get rid of his lead-weighted ass and I'd finally gotten the position that I'd paid my dues for in more ways than one. It was still hard to believe that Brian was gay and had killed himself and his lover. Working in advertising I've come across many, many men who were either out of the closet or standing in there with the door cracked enough to let me know that they liked to play both sides of the field. But Brian had been damn good at keeping his door closed with a padlock, and all of the slits blocked to prevent any peeking. Now I understood why he never tried to sleep with me, which is what all of my other bosses had done; this included Brian's geriatric-looking director. All this time I'd been assuming that Brian was one of the last few faithful men in this world, when he was actually getting his groove on with Abe's brother. I found that out from a gay friend of mine at the gym. I'd tried to call Abe after I found out, but he never answered any of my calls.

After Brian's suicide and Abe's resignation, I felt like a queen on the throne. I thought I was untouchable. Whilice moved out, Brian was no longer in my way, and I didn't have to worry about my affair with Abe coming out at work. Everything seemed to be going the way it always should have.

But then my secret was revealed.

I'd been using cocaine for a little over two years. I'd started after a business meeting with a client that I didn't want to lose. I invited him out for drinks after our all-day meeting, to celebrate what I hoped would be his signing on the dotted line. I took the contract with me. While we sat at our table, I tried to discuss my business plan further and forecast for his company. Well into our third glass of champagne, it was obvious that the last thing he wanted to do was talk shop. I'd been through the drill before, so I endured his flirting and touching of my thigh, and then went with him to his hotel. That wasn't the first time I'd slept with a client for their John Hancock, so it was no big deal to me. I figured it would be as easy as one, two, three. I'd go in, ride him for a couple of minutes, lying about how good he felt and how he was making me feel until he came, and then leave him with a smile and my contract signed. If there was any one thing I'd learned from my years as an ambitious and determined woman in the male-dominated world of business, it was that you had to do whatever was necessary to climb up the ladder. It was all very routine, really.

Unfortunately, someone forgot to send me the memo telling me that the routine had been changed.

We went up into his room, and as I started to slide out of my dress, the client pulled out a silver tray with several lines of coke on it. I'd never tried drugs before that, and I wasn't about to start then. I told him no and said that the sex would make up for it, but he wasn't trying to hear that.

“A high fuck is the best kind,” he'd said.

I told him no again, but then he threatened to take his business over to another advertising firm; namely our competitor. I hadn't yet become head of the East Coast division of the company and I knew that my capturing that position was dependent on the client signing the contract.

Because of my ambitions, I gave in and snorted two lines.

I don't actually remember much about the sex we had, although both of my holes hurt for the next few days. The only thing I remember was the feeling of absolute euphoria I had. For years I'd been searching for that ultimate high, only I'd been doing it through my accomplishments at work. But no matter how many hours I'd put in or what I'd achieved, I'd never found it. I'd never truly been satisfied until that cocaine ran wild through my bloodstream. I wasn't riding my client that night. I was riding a cloud, soaring high in the clear blue sky with rays of sunlight washing over me while the harmonious sounds of harps sighed in the breeze.

I'd been searching for that first-time high ever since. And I was searching for it the night Whilice's coworker walked in on me in the bathroom of my girlfriend's house. I didn't know that he was dating my girlfriend's sister. He didn't hesitate to run and tell Whilice what he saw, not even after I gave him a blow job.

With my secret revealed and my affair with Abe exposed, the judge ordered me to rehab and gave full custody of my daughters to their father, who only hated me more after that. Losing my girls devastated me. So did the look of shame, disappointment, and anger written on my oldest daughter's face. With the girls gone and my reputation at work damaged because of my drug habit, I spiraled into a state of depression and stayed there until A'sahn came along.

We met at the club. I was out trying to have a good time when he approached me and without asking, grabbed my hand and took me out to the dance floor.

“You didn't think to ask?” I said with my ass against his crotch.

“You didn't think to say no?” he said, thrusting into me.

It was an immediate attraction. We exchanged numbers that night, and started seeing each other soon after that. A'sahn was the bad boy with style that I'd always wanted. Even though he's younger than I am, he had his shit together. At twenty-eight, he's very successful. He owns two of the hottest hip-hop clubs in Miami. That was one of his clubs that we were in. A'sahn is a lighter version of Mekhi Phifer, only with no hair. He's tall, lean, and knows how to wear the hell out of designer clothing. Best of all, having sex with A'sahn was like having sex with Abe only multiplied by three. A'sahn always left me breathless after our bouts of lovemaking, and unlike Whilice, who liked to get in and get out before I had a chance to blink, he took the time to admire and savor every one of my curves. He touched me in places and ways that I didn't even touch myself, and after being with Whilice's unsatisfying ass, I'd gotten to know my body pretty damn well.

After Whilice, and after Abe, I never planned on falling in love again. But the more time that passed with A'sahn, the more I found myself doing just that. He helped bring me out of a pit I didn't think I was going to rise from. With him I could hold my head up high and not give a shit about the people who looked down on me with scorn.

“What do you mean there's someone else?” I asked again. I was still in my bathrobe, naked underneath. A'sahn looked at me and then looked away.

“I mean I'm not feeling you anymore, Taki. I mean you fine and all, but you just not doin' it for me anymore.”

I put my hand on my hips. “Not doing it for you anymore? What the fuck kind of bullshit is that? That's not what you said to me last night!”

A'sahn laughed. “Shorty, I was bustin' a nut.”

“You son of a bitch!” I reached out and tried to slap him, but he caught me by my wrist.

“Don't even think about it, Taki. You know I don't play.” He pushed me back and stood up.

I struggled to keep my composure and keep tears back. “But A'sahn, I thought we had something. I love you, and I thought you loved me too.”

A'sahn chuckled again as he slid his cell phone into his Sean John jeans. “Love? Taki, I'm twenty-eight years old with an empire to build. I ain't tryin' to fall in love with nobody, no time soon.”

“So who's this other bitch?”

A'sahn rubbed his hands together, nodded up and down repeatedly and bit down on his bottom lip. “She's my new flavor of the month.”

“So that's all I ever was to you? A flavor? A fuck?”

“You said it, not me.”

“Get the fuck out of my house!”

“My car's in the shop, baby doll. I need a ride.”

“You say there's another woman and then you have the nerve to ask me for a ride. Get the hell out, you ignorant son of a bitch!”

A'sahn chuckled again and then said, “Well, can we at least fuck one last time?”

I screamed out again as A'sahn laughed and walked past me. I wanted to strike out and hit him, but I was afraid to. He walked out of my house and when he closed the door behind him, I threw a vase filled with flowers he'd given me and screamed out as the glass shattered into tiny pieces. I moved from the vase to the plates I'd set out for breakfast and threw them too. I let the tears leak from my eyes as I lashed out.

“Not fair!” I yelled. “It's not fair!”

I sank down to the ground in a fit of tears and wondered why A'sahn had hurt me the way he had. I'd been so good to him; treated him the way I thought he wanted to be treated. What had I done wrong?

I slowly rose from the ground and went to the window to see if A'sahn was standing outside. Despite the things he'd said, I wanted to talk to him one more time to see if I could change his mind. Maybe I would give him that fuck he'd asked for. Although after the way I planned to work it, I don't think it would have been the last. Hell, I'd make him forget all about the other flavor.

He was standing by the curb on his phone laughing. I knocked on the window, trying to get his attention. When he didn't answer, I avoided the glass and pieces of china, and stepped outside. I called A'sahn's name out loud. He didn't turn around.

“A'sahn!” I called again.

Just then a red convertible Mitsubishi Spider appeared from around the corner and came to a stop in front of him. A woman wearing shades and a baseball cap was driving the car. I tried to get a good look at her, to see what kind of flavor she was, but A'sahn was in the way. I called out his name as he opened the door to get in. This time he turned around.

“What do you want, Taki?”

As I stepped toward him to tell him what I wanted, my name was screamed out loud.

“Taki?”

Both A'sahn and I looked to the woman who was now getting out of her car.

“Taki as in you fucked my husband, Abe?”

I squinted my eyes. “Nakyia?”

Nakyia walked around her car to the curb and stood with her hands on her hips.

“You know her?” A'sahn asked, looking at her.

Eyeing me with venom, Nakyia said, “Remember when I told you about the bitch Abe was screwing? Well, she's the bitch.”

A'sahn burst out laughing. “Oh shit! Are you for real?” He turned to me. “You were fucking Abe?”

“You know Abe?” I asked. “What's going on? What are you doing here, Nakyia?”

“You really are pathetic, Taki,” Nakyia said, walking toward me. “A'sahn is my cousin.”

“Your cousin?” I couldn't believe it. “You planned this shit, didn't you, bitch! You set this all up to get back at me for giving Abe what you couldn't. And you have the nerve to call me pathetic.” I turned to A'sahn, who was standing at the side laughing. “This isn't funny, you immature ass.”

“Don't talk to my cousin that way, bitch!” Nakyia snapped. “His hooking up with your ass is purely coincidental. Believe me, the last thing I would ever do is waste my time on someone as cheap and trifling as you. You are below me. I mean, look at you. You had a husband and what did you do? You slept with my husband and then moved from him to my younger, more immature cousin. No offense, A'sahn.”

“None taken, 'cuz.”

“Taki, you have absolutely no respect for yourself. I met your husband. I've seen pictures of your girls. I saw the life you gave up. The life you never valued. Only a foolish woman would let all of that go. I can't believe I ever lost sleep over Abe being with you. I'm so glad the world is this small because it's given me an opportunity to see just how much you and Abe deserved one another. Enjoy your life, Taki, because I damn sure will. A'sahn . . . are you staying?”

A'sahn looked at me while I stood speechless. I wanted to snap back at Nakyia for the things she'd said. I wanted to spit curse words at her. I wanted to tell her that her words meant nothing to me. That they hadn't affected me. But the truth was they had. She was right.... I'd given up so much.

As A'sahn smiled mockingly at me, and Nakyia turned her back and walked away, I'd never felt like more of a fool. My husband, who'd loved, respected, and adored me; my daughters, my family, my coworkers—I'd lost respect from them all, and I had no one to blame.

A'sahn approached me. “You still want to give it to me?”

“Go to hell, A'sahn!”

With nothing else to say, I turned around and walked back inside. Before I closed the door, the last thing I heard was A'sahn's mocking laughter.