In This Life (6 page)

“Anna—”

“I’ll see you around.” I stood up and walked across the hard, prickly floor towards the exit.

I FORCED MY
eyes open and reached for the watch on the night table. After a long nap filled with forgettable dreams, it was nearly ten o’clock in the evening and I was wide awake. How was I ever going to adjust to this jetlag? I figured I might as well join the others. Sometimes they were obnoxious, but it was still better than being alone with my thoughts.
I pulled my shorts on to go out to the beach and find the rest of the gang.

The house was eerily quiet. The light in the kitchen was on, but the rest of the house was dark. I passed on another night on the beach and opted to take a quick rest instead. I quickly wandered down the hall towards the front door.

“Did you have a good nap?”

I stopped dead in my tracks at the sound of Jude’s voice.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to spook you,” he said.

“You have to stop popping up out of nowhere.” I laughed as I turned around to face him.

He smiled timidly, hands in his pockets and shoulders touching his ears. His eyes shone in the dark like smoldering coal. “Sorry.”

“What are you still doing here?” I asked, feeling shy all of a sudden.

“I had to do some reading so I decided to stay in. Where are you heading?” And when I didn’t answer: “Do you mind if I tag along?”

“I’m going to find Dante. You’re welcome to come with me,” I said, starting to walk towards the door.

He followed right behind and then ended up by my side. No one was at the beach by the time we arrived. We walked further in silence until the stilt house came into view.

“Hey, I’ve got a few beers in there, do you want to hang out for a while?” His voice cracked. Once again, his movements seemed restrained.

“Sure. I’m not drinking tonight, though.”

He took my hand, helping me climb the rickety steps, and led me towards the open area of the hut. He let go just as I bent down to sit right at the edge of the floor, my feet dangling and almost touching the water.

“This is so beautiful.” I looked up to admire the large speckled moon, hovering close enough for me to touch. Not every situation with him should be this intense. “Look! We can see everything underneath the water,” I said, trying to make light of the moment.

I wasn’t sure if he’d heard me. He was at the other end of the house with his hands in the cooler. “Water okay with you?” he asked.

“Yes, thank you,” I answered, taking the water from him. In his other hand was a bottle of local brew. He took a seat next to me and sank his feet in between the swirling fish. We sat quietly, our eyes fixed on the view before us.

He broke the silence after downing a big gulp of his beer. “Don’t freak out, but I think there’s a spider on the side of your thigh.”

“Where?” I jerked my feet out of the water.

He pointed at the pink mark, careful to avoid contact with my skin.

“Oh!” I laughed. “That’s a birthmark.”

“Oh, God. I’m so sorry,” he said, flustered. He forced out a cough and cleared his throat as we allowed a moment of silence to pass between us. “So, have you and Leola ever… you know, gotten together?”

“What? No! Me and him? No! He’s my best friend, we’re not involved.” This wasn’t the first time someone had asked about us, and this wasn’t the first time I reacted this way—incredulous.

“Seriously, he’s the best friend anyone could ever have. He’s great,” I added.

Jude remained silent and nodded his head, although I could tell his mind was elsewhere.

I was curious about him, too. “Enough about me, what about you?” I asked. Technically speaking, I had spent the night with this guy and hardly knew anything about him.

He placed the bottle of beer on the uneven floor and leaned back on his hands while skimming his feet across the surface of the water. “My family is from New York, Westchester County specifically, and I’m the oldest of seven children.”

“Wow, that’s a lot! How many boys and how many girls?”

“Two boys and four girls,” he answered. “My sister, Katie, is married with one baby. Mary is nineteen, Peg and Joe are fifteen, Erin is eleven, and Max is eight. My parents have been married for twenty-seven years. We’re a pretty normal family.”

“I’ve always wanted to have another sister. Mikey is great, but the age difference between us is just too wide.”

“Yeah, they’re all right,” he said. “They give me heartburn sometimes, especially Katie. She’s so outspoken that it drives me crazy. But we take care of each other.”

“I thought we were a normal family too,” I said, “until my mom decided to go mid-life on us.”

“What does going mid-life mean?” he looked confused. A breeze rushed by and whipped my hair across my face. He watched as I battled with the breeze to keep it from flapping back and forth.

“Well, one day she woke up and decided to cheat on my dad,” I muttered.

“There must have been something going on in her life or in her marriage. Sometimes it’s a cry for help. A need for change.” He said this so matter-of-factly that it actually sounded convincing.

“Where’d you go to school?” I asked.

“NYU. Philo major. And you?”

“Oh my gosh, me too! I went to NYU! Bio.” I tried to cover up my squeak.

“I heard that you were the hotshot that got into med school,” he teased. “I mean, John Hopkins med school, not just any other school.”

“I think I got lucky,” I said humbly. There was a price to pay for that. It was called loneliness. The vicious cycle of becoming so focused on your goals that you don’t have time for anything else, and not having anyone else so you end up focused on your goals.

“I’ve always been amazed at how doctors can remember every single part of the body, how they can remember all those medical terms,” he said. “Does it come naturally to you? Memorizing stuff? Taking tests?”

“I guess. So how about you, what’s in your future?”

“I’m going for a Masters in Theology in the fall.”

“Hmm. Interesting. Is it the humanities side of this that interests you?”

He nodded his head. “I’ve always been fascinated by the human psyche and the role that religion plays versus the influences of society. I assume we practice the same religion since we met at a catechism class, so how religious are you?” he asked.

“Unfortunately, baptism is the extent of my experience with Catholicism. My mom is a staunch churchgoer but she never really required us to follow in her footsteps.” I paused to entertain an afterthought. “But I’m not a murderer nor am I an adulterer, and I want to devote my medical skills to helping the less fortunate. So I guess some of the altruism instilled by her faith has rubbed off on me.”

He sat closer to me, our elbows rubbing. “It’s our faith, not just hers,” he emphasized. “I think it’s all quite relative. I’ve always believed that there are limitless choices we can make to live a life of service. There is no better way or worse way of finding purpose in our lives.”

“Okay, now you’re getting too deep for me.” I laughed. “I’m here to unwind. No soul searching or anything like that on this trip.”

“You’re absolutely right! Sorry! Let’s talk about lighter things. Like, are you sure you and Leola don’t have anything going on?”

“Why are we going there again?” I said, laughing.

“I don’t know,” he responded. “Maybe because whoever it is that has your heart is a very lucky man?”

I wasn’t sure if he was flirting with me. There was a breathless energy around us, a frisson brought about by heightened senses and beaming faces.

“I haven’t given my heart away yet. Who’s got time to deal with all that?” I lifted myself off the floor and began to roam around the house. A tattered brown leather case next to a crate of clothes immediately caught my eye. “Wait… is this a—” I exclaimed, lifting the case up and unlocking the rusty latch that held it closed. “Yes! A backgammon set! Get ready, I’m challenging you to one game before I leave.”

“HOW’D YOUR DAY
go?” Jude asked as we sat on a small sandy hill a few feet away from the beach.

“It was fine. I think I’m getting used to the heat because I don’t feel as exhausted anymore.”

The backgammon challenge the night before had ended up being seven games instead of one. By the time Jude walked me back to the house, it was past two o’clock in the morning.

I spent part of my day at the free medical clinic in the neighboring town. A baby girl suffering from malnutrition was brought in, and the hopelessness in her parents’ eyes still bothered me hours later. I imagined the same wretchedness in my father’s eyes when my mother announced she was leaving. Nothing to fight for, as if he had seen it coming. Some pictures embed themselves in your head for as long as you live. Those images stayed with me.

I couldn’t wait to see Jude again. What was this now? Our third date? Already I had opened up to him more than I would have done in ordinary circumstances. Anything to get my mind off the turbulence that was going on at home.

“Where are your friends tonight?”

“Not sure. I stopped by the house to change and came right here to meet you.” I twisted my foot to shake off a hermit crab that had crawled its way between my toes.

I watched as he played with a piece of wood, tracing its edge in the sand. The sea was calm. It called to me, invited me to seek release, wash away my confusion. It was difficult to fathom the great loss of human life here only one year ago. What kind of rage could emerge so suddenly, damage everything in its path, when all I’ve seen of this sea is its serenity, its tranquility? What happened to make it so angry at the world?

I stood up and started running towards the shore.

“Where are you going?” he shouted.

“Out for a swim!” I said as I pulled my shirt over my head. I had no qualms about undressing. I felt no shame about my looks, my body, or myself. I never thought I was beautiful, but I always embraced who I was. I didn’t have a workout routine. I was a runner and the benefits that running afforded me—tight calves, firm backside, toned arms—were a result and not the goal. The truth was that I had never done anything like that before either. Being with Jude just made me feel that much more uninhibited.

And heck! I’d made out with a French guy, slept in a stranger’s hut, walked in on Dante having sex. Why not add skinny dipping to this trip’s most memorable moments?

“Wait! Blue! What are you doing?” he yelled, following behind me.

I didn’t look back as I peeled off my bra and hopped around the sand to slip my shorts off my legs. I was in nothing but my underwear as I ran into the warm ocean, the soft, compact sand under my feet. I submerged under the water then flipped over on my back to float peacefully across its surface. I closed my eyes and thought of my family. I pictured my father, lost and alone, my mother’s newfound identity, and my baby brother’s future. I was reminded of how they all depended on me to hold them together. My heart raced, and the stress of what was waiting for me at home began to overwhelm me. But a few seconds later, there he was, reaching out to grab me by my waist, holding me steadfast against the current. His eyes were fixed on my breasts, their tops exposed above the line of the water.

Shirtless and bare, his thick black hair slicked back, I fought the urge to touch his beautiful face. I was chest deep in the water while he was unveiled and revealed for my eyes only. We stood directly in front of each other with the force of the waves lapping against us, trying to push us together. He took one step towards me while gently taking my face in his hands. I closed my eyes to feel his touch against my skin.

“What am I going to do with you, Anna?” he asked in a hushed tone, his nose almost touching mine.

The roar of an approaching wave wasn’t loud enough to distract us from this moment. Before we knew it, we were separated, tumbling and pushed roughly against the sand on the shore. I sat up after I hit the ground. I had already taken in a large amount of seawater. I hacked and choked, trying to get some air.

“Blue! Are you all right?” he asked, frantically scooping me up and carrying me away from the water.