In the Wake of Wanting (29 page)

“I mean, yeah. When I was fifteen. She was smart and beautiful and different from all the other girls in my school. I’d ask her out all over again. But…” My palms are suddenly sweaty. “I don’t understand your point.”

“It’s… it’s lust, Trey. It’s fleeting.”

“I think it’s more than that,” I argue. My uncle stops walking and turns around.

“I’ve been there,” he says. “How long have you and Zaina been together?”

“Four years.”

“That’s a really, really long time. How long have you known… what’s her name?”

I hesitate uttering her name. Doing so will be admitting to another soul that she’s a part of my world. But she is. “Coley.”

“That’s an interesting name.”

“It’s short for Nicolea. She hates that.”

“So… you’ve known Coley…”

“Just since the beginning of the semester. Since mid-January.”

“Trey, kiddo, yeah… don’t make any decisions with Zaina based on what you know of a girl you met a month and a half ago. She’s–she’s just a shiny new toy–”

“She’s not, Chris,” I say, offended by the suggestion. “She’s not a toy. She’s not a
plaything
. She’s a girl I respect and admire and like.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he says. His expression is one of concern. “Are you looking for advice? Permission?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know. Everything is so…
level
, with Zai. We have everything figured out.
She
has everything figured out. Where we’ll live after graduation, how long we should be engaged, where she wants to get married, how many children we should have–and not only that, but how far apart we should have them. And it’s not like I don’t like her plans or didn’t have a say in them. I guess we talked about them all years ago. It’s more that we have all these plans already, and I’m only nineteen.”

“But you’ve always been a planner. I thought that’s why you two were so good together.”

“Coley isn’t like that, though, and it’s easy to get carried away with that lifestyle. I find myself wanting that. She makes me want to break out of my routine and do unexpected things with my life. Things no one would see coming. Things I never saw coming.”

“Things like breaking it off with your girlfriend of four years, who you’ve apparently discussed marriage with.”

“We aren’t engaged,” I tell him. “We agreed to wait until after college–and see? That right there is bullshit. A planned engagement. Makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t want to be that predictable.”

“You can be unpredictable and stay with Zaina, you know? You can make changes to your life that don’t involve being with this other girl… Coley. Have you thought of that?”

I haven’t. To me, it was a package deal. The spontaneous life comes with the free-spirited Coley Fitzsimmons. When I think about a future with her, the whole world opens up with possibilities. When I consider the one I’m headed toward, though, I’m boxed in with Zaina in a room where the walls are creeping toward me and the ceiling is caving in. I feel like I’m hyperventilating.

“No, I haven’t considered that,” I tell him, struggling with my breathing.

“You’re not having another asthma attack, are you?” he asks.

“I haven’t had one of those since I was a kid,” I tell him, concentrating on inhaling and exhaling to avoid another panic attack out in the middle of nowhere.

“You just had one last week,” he says, not knowing the true story.

“I’m fine.”

“If you still love Zaina, and just don’t want this–what did you call it–level or planned life with her, you could surprise her with an early proposal, you know? No girl would be disappointed in that. You don’t have to do it now, but start making your plans. That’ll make things more interesting.”

“Right,” I say, feeling monumentally disappointed, having hoped for completely different advice from my uncle today. “Something to think about, I guess.”

“Anna’s great with jewelry, too. I could tell her you need some help–”

“You said you’d keep this between us,” I remind him.

“Okay,” he says. “I was just offering.”

I check the time on my phone and decide to head back to Manhattan. “Thanks for the talk, Chris. I need to get back to the city. I have a chapter meeting at the Sig Rho house,” I lie, not worrying about it since I’m already walking in the opposite direction.

“You can just say you have a party to go to!” he shouts behind me. “I was in college once!”

I wave, not knowing if he even saw me.

Once I’m in the car, I call Zaina.

“Do you have any fraternity functions this week?” she asks. “I’m trying to pack appropriately.”

“No,” I tell her, deciding not to mention to her that I’d quit Sigma Rho, either. “Don’t pack for anything special.”

“Why not? Don’t you think we can go out for a nice dinner one night while I’m there?” she pleads. “Just one?”

“Zai, I have school, and–”

“But Friday,” she interrupts. “You can’t tell me you have to study on
Friday
. I don’t leave until Sunday.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I say reluctantly and hope she doesn’t pick up on it.

“Will a cocktail dress be okay?”

“I don’t know,” I tell her, half-laughing. “
You
asked
me
. I didn’t make reservations in the past thirty seconds while I was on the phone with you. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Okay. I just didn’t know how you’d want to see me. I wanted to dress for you,” she says meekly.

“You’re always pretty to me.”

“You’re sweet.”

In 36 hours, she’s not going to be thinking I’m sweet anymore. “Zaina, I’m about to hit a dead spot. We’re going to get cut off.”

“Okay. I have a lot to do, anyway. Can’t wait to see you,
Tria
.”

“You, either, Zai. Bye.”

After I’m past the section of poor cellular service, I return Max’s call. “What the hell, man?” he asks me, not even saying hello first.

“What?”

“You’ve had another girl staying with you all week?”

“Did Zaina tell you this?”

“Of course.”

“Did she tell you the circumstances?”

“Yeah, but who gives a fuck? That’s not cool. Do you know how hurt she is?”

“I was thinking I’d be catching up with my best friend, not being reprimanded by Zaina’s victim’s advocate. I’ve done nothing wrong, Max. Coley and I have a platonic relationship. Plus, she’s not there anymore.”

“You better have some serious groveling ready. And a grand gesture for an apology,” he warns. “She may sound sweet on the phone, man, but she’s angry.”

“Great,” I tell him. “This should be fun, then.”

“I just wanted to give you a heads-up.”

“Yeah, Max. I really appreciate that.” I hope he can hear the sarcasm.

“You wanna be blindsided by this?”

“No,” I admit. “Thank you.”

“Is she overreacting? Is she upset over nothing?”

His question catches me completely off-guard. I can’t tell him what’s going on in my head, because it’s sure to make it back to Zaina, and I want every word of this to come first-hand from me, in person.

“You’re breaking up, Max. What?” I ask, stalling.

“Is she upset over nothing?”

“I mean, I guess I see where she’s coming from, but the reason Coley was at my place was completely circumstantial. We were helping out a friend who had nowhere else to be, for one thing, and she and I are working on a really big story for the paper–one that Zaina encouraged me to go after, I might add.”

“Well, I’m sure she didn’t intend for another woman to be living with you.”

“Stop saying it like that. Plus, Max, you know what my life is like. You know I can’t get away with anything. People know all of my business. If something was going on between us, you’d know,” I tell him.

“But not if you relegate everything to one private location.
Like. Your. Apartment
. It’s perfect.”

“Oh, my God. You’re a conspiracy theorist gone mad. How long have you and Zai been obsessing over this?” He doesn’t answer. “You guys know me better than that. I wouldn’t cheat on her.”

“You haven’t before, but…” he states.

“Max, I’m insulted. Just because Callen cheated on you doesn’t mean everyone has the propensity to cheat. Some guys do the right thing and keep their hands and dicks to themselves until they can end things with the other person.”

“Callen didn’t want to end things,” he reminds me. “Callen had a drunken, momentary lapse in judgment that ruined what we had.”

“I know.”

“Wait, do you want to end things with Zai?”

“Is that what I said?” I ask, sounding incredulous.

“It could be interpreted that way.”

“It’s not what I said.” I avoid the question this way.

He’s quiet for a few seconds. “Did Jon and Livvy know about these living arrangements?” he asks me. I consider my answer, but don’t respond before he continues. “Because if it was truly nothing, I would have expected your parents to know, and your sister and my brother. But Jon didn’t mention anything to me when I talked to him twice this week, and I’m pretty sure that’s something he would have brought up. It’s not every day Trey Holland decides to let a woman stay at his place with him.”

“It was
so truly nothing
that it wasn’t worth mentioning to them, Max.” When he finds out the truth, he’s going to be so pissed off at me, and I hate that. I hid the fact that Coley was staying with me every time I talked to my mom and dad. The one time I spoke with my sister, Coley didn’t know I was on the phone with her and had shouted a question to me from the other room. It piqued Livvy’s interest and she asked who it was. I lied and told her my television un-muted itself unexpectedly.

My family would have had serious questions about Coley being at my apartment, particularly because of the night I first told them about her. The night I had trouble even saying her name in front of them. Jon had picked up on my attraction to her right from the start. I’d made it a point since that day to never talk about her in front of my brother-in-law.

“Max, just know I’m only trying to do what I feel is best for everyone, okay?” I plead with him. “That’s all I ever try to do. My intent is good. You need to stop fueling Zaina’s suspicions that something’s been going on with me and someone else. I’ve known you most of my life. When have you known me to be that shady prick who would do what you’re suggesting?”

“Never,” he admits.

“Then… whatever comes of this fight, know that I haven’t done it this time, either, okay? She may be angry and say hateful things, but the truth should still be what I’m judged upon by my friends and family. Not by how she feels.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’re the one who tells me she’s mad,” I explain, putting it back on him but hoping he’ll remember what I said when Zaina calls him with the news, which I’m sure she’ll do once the breakup is official.

“All right,” he says. “Call me sometime this week and let me know how it goes.”

“I will.”
I won’t need to, Max. I’m sure I’ll be hearing from you first
.

After tossing my phone in the passenger seat, I continue my train of thought from earlier this morning on how I’m going to do this tomorrow night. I wish there was one person in my family I could go to. I was hoping Chris would be more helpful. I’d heard his love life before Anna was a little disastrous, but I guess it’s just too far in the past for him to recall–or he’s just too committed to his wife to think of anything
but
commitment.

I know my dad ended relationships with women before Mom, but he adores Zaina. Jon broke up with Livvy twice, but I know they were just fights. He has always been madly in love with my sister. It seems like nearly everyone else in my family has much more experience being on the receiving end of these situations.

It’s not like I can ask them what their favorite way to be dumped was. I don’t think that’s appropriate.

The planner in me wants to have everything laid out for tomorrow night, but no matter how organized my thoughts are, the reality is that I have no idea how Zaina’s going to react. No amount of careful thought is going to make this go smoothly or easily. I just need to know what needs to be said and say it, and then be ready to discuss what happens next.

There’s no easy way out of this. There shouldn’t be an easy way out of a four-year relationship.

When I get home, I call Coley to verify our plans for the following morning, but have a hard time getting off the phone with her. “So, what’s your dating history look like?” I ask her. “You never talk about that.”

“That’s because it’s kind of personal,” she says.

“I get that,” I respond, “but you know what you know about me.”