“You’re being challenged. That’s good though, right? Each day brings something new.”
“Yes, each day it’s like another sheet is pulled back, exposing a bunch of bullshit only.” He chuckled sadly. “That bullshit is me…and then more of me…and a little more of me. It’s depressing, upsetting, and other words I can’t even think of or articulate. I feel like a… I don’t know what I feel like, John…”
“Nick, you’re a person, a cop. You’re a human being.
That’s
what you feel like. You’ve had some challenges; I didn’t know they affected you the way they did and I’ve been kicking myself for not seeing the signs. There were clues in retrospect. I thought about everything long and hard since you’ve been gone. There were
definite
signs that you were depressed but you covered it so well, I second-guessed my intuition. I didn’t trust my own damn eyes. Anyway, look, we all fall down, Nick.”
“I did fall. I fell down and busted my damn face wide open. I don’t even know what’s going on anymore, captain.” He ran his hand through his hair as he slowly closed his eyes. “I don’t know anything. I don’t even know who I am. Can you imagine that?” He laughed dismally. “Waking up one day, sober, thirty-two damn years old and not knowing who the hell you are. I have no clue who the hell you are talking to right now. Who is he? Who am I?!” He beat his hand against his chest.
“You’re a man, Nick.
That’s
what the hell you are… a man trying to be better than you were last night, and to believe that you can achieve more than you have yesterday…”
…Two weeks later…
She hated that
she’d done it, but she had. The man stood there beating the eggs in the large, clear bowl and awkwardly moved about the kitchen, a white, crisp apron wrapped around his narrow waist and powdery flour smacked against his face as if a dusty bitch had beat him upside the goddamn head. This wasn’t no country club, but at times, his presence made her feel as if it were. Easy, breezy…so laid back…so cool…hard as rocks.
For the past two weeks, he’d attended three of her classes, and she even took in another art class to sit next to him, sniff his skin, laugh real low under the instructor’s radar as they shared an inside joke or two. Something about the way he sat, the way he smelled, the intensity in his stormy eyes made her sit up and notice. Something about the way he’d disappear inside of himself, too, then come out with a big ol’ bag of truth. The man was sincerely trying and that proved
extremely
sexy to her.
Crook.
He was stealing her heart…
Thief.
She’d been robbed of her resolve.
Police Officer.
Copped a feel of her mind and wouldn’t let go…
Against her best intentions. Despite their rough start. Like a hound on the trail, he wouldn’t let go. He never gave up…
…On her.
Never gave up on her.
There were intervals, pieces and places in time while they sat in group when he would reveal himself to her, as if slowly removing his coat buttons once again… freezing to death so he could be free at last. Yes, he was sitting there amongst his peers, yet, his declarations weren’t geared towards them. They weren’t for Frieda, either. No, he parted his lips and allowed the painful narratives to spill forth for
her
… His eyes would hood and his top lip would lift in a smirk, as he’d pause between his confessions. All the while, he’d stare at her. Only at her…
Sometimes his stories were funny; other times, he knocked the breath out of her and caused a tear or two to roll. She hated that. She’d heard her share of sad tales, even told a few, but there was just something about
his
that had a special way of fucking up the rest of the damn day.
He didn’t appear moved by his personal fables, his broken state of being, but he was…he
had
to have been. For here he was, explaining how in the hell he ended up in rehab. The man intrigued her for he came from a place she knew nothing of, but understood all about. He was her opposite, yet her twin. He was her light and her darkness, too. He was her shadow, stealing away time, then reversing the day, offering a new start, a new beginning.
All of this amazed her, drew her closer to the man, pulled her inside of his web of mystery.
He’s so different from me…but we are so much alike…
And she liked that; she liked that a lot.
She had large, evergreen Christmas trees during the holidays. The brown-skinned angel would be wrapped in ivory and gold and her white, sparkling wings would span out like heavenly silk wafting in the wind. She didn’t know what type of Christmas trees Nick had…but if she were a betting woman, it wouldn’t have looked like her fond childhood memories of Christmases past. Her family had a picturesque background, and within its perfect little frame stood an astute, accomplished, and successful younger brother to help her life look even more like a professionally photographed postcard. On the other hand, according to his own testimony, Nick had undergone tremendous emotional suffering, and had youthful memories of a cold apartment with no hot water, a pile of stolen goods he planned to hock during his teens, and a genetic history that was half missing. He put her in mind of a modern day slave to himself, his environment and his addiction. Of a walking, beautiful tragedy with a powerful will to continue to climb against the tide, and she hated that it made her that much more attracted to him.
He reminded her of dangerous candy, the kind one knew was spiked with something wicked—razor blade laden, evil, spell inducing. It would leave you woozy, and she feared he may become her latest obsession, but she bit into him anyway, and he tasted so fucking good. He wasn’t Adam in the Garden of Eden, no; Nick represented the seductive serpent wrapped like a present around the thickest part of the golden branch, holding the shiny forbidden fruit between his two, poisonous fangs.
…To catch a thief….
She stole glances at him during cooking class and, on the sly, when no one was looking, she nestled up close, super close, landed a fast kiss across his hard cheek. Before she could see the man’s reaction, she scurried away with her mixing bowl in hand. She didn’t look back, but she knew he was staring at her. The python of a man was no doubt planning her undoing. She kept straight ahead while the teacher talked about their first batch of cranberry walnut muffins…
Rising and falling…
Yeast, butter…
All the things she was never allowed to eat while in the apex of her career. Now here her five foot ten self stood with the flavor of melted chocolate lingering in her mouth, and her lips warm from that brief encounter. He smelled like Christmas, musk and hope, and she smelled like sage, cherries and faith…and together, they made a sweet, delicious aroma that she found downright spiritually intoxicating.
“Ahh…” She startled. Catching his scent once more, she felt him standing directly behind her amongst the small crowd. The teacher continued to talk, droning on and on about the blueberry versus the wheat germ muffins that were next on tap. He leaned closer into her, his lips a mere centimeter or two from her face. Placing his big, warm hands around her waist, he gave her a bit of a squeeze and then she heard him swallow.
“So, go back to your ovens and preheat them for 350°…” the teacher announced.
The crowd began to disperse but before it broke apart like an exploded atom, he embraced and held her like a tiny doll in his grip, then laid a gentle kiss along the sensitive crown of her head. She turned around but it was much too late, for he’d already gone halfway back across the room, moving about as if nothing had happened, bowl in hand, whipping the batter into a creamy frenzy while he gripped the spoon in an expert sort of way.
That fucking thief is trying to steal my heart…
He stood there
just looking at her for the longest…
She looked so comfortable, so at ease. The cafeteria was damn near vacant as, ‘When I Was Your Man’ by Bruno Mars played softly in the background. From a distance, he could see her head slowly moving up and down, and her right hand gripping a pencil. In front of her lay a booklet she appeared to be doodling in. He drew closer and closer until they’d made eye contact and he slowly raised his hand at the lady and waved, mouthing, “Hi.”
She slowly placed her pencil down, closed her pad, then tossed him the most alluring beam he’d ever seen. After a second or two, she waved back, and mouthed, “Hello.”
He began to walk again, making his way over to the woman, and took a seat beside her.
“I was hoping to find you here.”
“And I was hoping you’d find me…”
His lips curved in a pleased smile.
“What were you drawing?”
“Oh, a little something something.” She winked at him, then shoved the booklet a short distance away. He stared at the thing for a moment or two, then clasped his hands together.
“I came in here to get something to drink, some coffee maybe. It’s a little cold in my room, was trying to get some reading done.”
She nodded and leisurely pointed out the coffee machine surrounded by the tray of white ceramic cups, assorted sugar and sweetener packets, and the usual carafe of cream sitting inside a bowl of chopped ice.
“Yeah, but then I saw you and got sidetracked.” He winked.
“I thought you said you were hoping to find me here?” She smirked as she leaned back a bit and toyed with her pencil.
“I did… wanted my coffee and to drink it, too.”
She laughed lightly as her eyes hooded.
“Good one. Hey…” she said around a smile.
“Yeah?”
“Can I ask you a personal question?”
“Hmmm.” He scooted a bit closer to her. “Yeah, yeah you can.”
“What do you think about that situation with Eric Garner?”
“Mmmm,” He nodded, looked down into his lap for a moment or two. “Is this on or off the record? Actually,” he put his hand up, “it doesn’t really matter. People already know my position on this.”
“And what position is that?”
“Taryn, the whole city got together and rallied against this, the injustice of it, right? It was horrible. There is no way to describe to you how I felt when I saw what happened. We can’t go around choking people out like that,” He looked at her sternly. “I don’t know why Officer Pantaleo did that, what was going on in his head. I don’t know the man, can’t answer for him. I only know that we both were sworn in and recited an oath of ethics in front of the National Police Commissioner. A man is dead and he was the cause; for me, that’s just plain and simple.”
“I don’t know what this oath you all have to say entailed, but I’m convinced he didn’t take it seriously.” She rolled her eyes in obvious disgust.
“And that is just one of many examples as to why I needed to stay on the street.” His voice elevated and his blood pumped harder and stronger as he re-lived the moment. “The oath says a lot of things, but one part is this:
I will preserve the dignity and will respect the rights of all individuals.
Anyone with half a brain has to at least question if that really happened. I don’t believe it did. I felt like these people
really
need me. They need to see that police officers make mistakes, just like everyone else, but we aren’t all the same! All of this shit going on, it’s crazy.”
“It
is
crazy, Nick, and it made me sick to know a cop could do something like that and get away with it. I never really had any run ins with the police before my court case, and even then, I wasn’t treated badly but then again, I was somewhat protected from that in all fairness. But, I’m not stupid. I know it happens more times than people know.” He didn’t miss the look of repugnance on her face.
“There are a lot of things that happen in all professions, Taryn. Things people don’t know about.”
“But we are talking about
this
one, okay?
Your
profession. I have a black father and a black brother, Nick. My brother has been harassed for absolutely no purpose. He has been followed with his friends and pulled over for no reason. I just don’t understand this!” She threw up her hands. “When is someone going to care? When is someone going to do something about this?”