In The End (Butterfly #1) (13 page)

‘Hey you, how’s it going?’ he asked, attempting to sound cool, but his face deceiving him completely.

‘Oh you know, same old same old,’ I replied, nonchalantly, shrugging my shoulders and grinning at him. I could not help but smile seeing him there on horseback. I remembered him saying how much he had wanted to ride as a child, but his mother never allowing it, saying horses were dangerous and unpredictable, coming from her that was a misnomer.

‘Cross, I, we need to…’ I could not find the words, spluttering out nonsense instead.

‘It’s okay, I get it,’ Cross started, sounding resolute with what I would say.

‘No, you don’t understand.’ The presence of Nicholi just around the corner had halted that conversation, and I never had the opportunity to be alone with him the rest of the day until it was time for his flight back home. The boys, Nicholi and I would be leaving shortly after, but Cross had to take an earlier flight.

‘Are you sure you cannot fly back with us?’ I asked, my heart starting to flail at his impending departure.

‘I have to prepare for the interview tomorrow.’ Cross was leaning against the stable door, looking like a male model on the cover of GQ magazine. He turned to face me and pulled me closer into the stable out of sight.

‘Can I have one last kiss goodbye?’ His voice faltered and my resolve disappeared. I took a step closer slowly, then without any control over my body, I launched into his arms and kissed him so passionately I could have lit the nearby kindling on fire.

‘That was no goodbye kiss, goddamn, Sophia.’ Cross pulled back and looked visibly angry with me, but said nothing further and returned to his hire car, the wheels screeching under the sudden expectation of speed as he pulled away down the drive.

I walked slowly to the house, watching the sunset, the blood red sky echoing through my contorted arteries. Oranges and pinks, the hue of the grass, it looked like something you would see painted in an upmarket art gallery in New York. I went into the house and joined Jacob and Max playing with my grandfather’s train set. Nicholi was on the phone in the corner looking strained and I turned to Jacob.

‘Hey, you, I get to fly with you going home, won’t that be fun, I have never been on an airplane with you,’ I began, there were so many things we hadn’t done together, that had been ripped away savagely from us, but not any longer. I would make up for every second we had been apart until the end of my days.

‘Sophia, can we have a Halloween party?’ Jacob asked, the thought of him saying the word, auntie made me melt and I tried to regain focus.

‘I think that is an awesome idea, what do you want to go as?’ I asked, knowing the answer I would receive before he verbalised it.

‘Sebastian,’ was the resounding reply, and I tried to fathom how to orchestrate the costume.

‘You can get them from the store,’ he reiterated, as though reading my mind.

‘No way, I will make you one, it will be tons better than any store one, beside my mom always made me my costume, it is a tradition.’ I would not miss a single opportunity to do the things we would have, had we never been parted. With that thought, I pulled him onto my lap.

‘I love you, Jacob,’ I whispered, kissing his head affectionately, so glad that he wasn’t at the stage where hugs and kisses were disgusting and pulled Max to join him, reiterating the message.

***

Our flight was due to depart in thirty minutes and I left Nicholi with the boys while I scanned the gift shop. I knew exactly what I was looking for and who the gift recipient would be. Paying the cashier, I placed the ornament in my bag, hidden under the pile of junk to keep it safe and out of sight and returned to watch the planes taking off and landing with the boys. I marvelled still at the age of twenty-three that a plane could lift off the ground, carrying endless amounts of weight and fly in the sky, a novelty I would never tire of.

Nicholi’s car was waiting at the airport for us and we arrived back at the mansion house shortly after. I could see that work had been done, adding more security cameras and further alarms. I never commented, too exhausted to want to know the extent of the changes at this time and the reason for them, my heart suddenly weary again; something was missing.

After settling the boys in bed and leaving Nicholi in his office to catch up on everything he had missed I headed up to the attic, noting the balcony the last time I had been up there and sitting down, the woodland noises of owls and the like the only sound penetrating the silence. I grabbed the phone out of my bag and dialled, two rings later and it was answered.

‘Hey.’

‘Hi, I couldn’t go to sleep without hearing your voice.’ His sigh filled the silence, and I paced anxiously.

‘Soph, I shouldn’t have left like that, I’m sorry.’

‘No, I shouldn’t have kissed you like that; it’s me that should be sorry,’ I confirmed, resonating my deepest regret.

‘And are you, sorry?’ I paused, it was not regret for kissing him, it was regret for it ending there and him not knowing the truth and with that knowledge coming to the forefront, I continued.

‘No, as much as I know I should be, no.’

‘I have the interview at eleven o’clock tomorrow; meet me after at the corner of Wilson and Bart, okay?’ Cross sought my confirmation, and I agreed, about to hang up the phone when he continued.

‘I love you,’ he declared, and hung up the phone. I sat staring at the eyes of an owl, watching, circling slowly and silently before it swept in and stole what it wanted without a care. I did care, more than I could possibly have imagined for Nicholi and Cross. Nicholi was my present and Cross was my past, the two suddenly entwined so tightly I could not separate them. Cross had been there from the start before everything had changed before I had lost everyone and Nicholi had saved me at the end.

Travelling back on the flight, once the boys had fallen asleep, my mind had started racing. Remembering every little thing that had seemed off about Nicholi, but I had not questioned further. Knowing now that he knew everything about me, I wanted answers. Did he know from the interview? Did it matter? I was so confused and staring into the blackness up here was not getting me anywhere. Heading down to his study, I felt my resolve melt. I loved this man and knowing just how much, could I really confront him and go all the way? Taking a deep cleansing breath, I decided it was now or never.

The flight home had been uneventful, no turbulence thank goodness, and the boys had fallen asleep shortly after departure. Nicholi was working on his laptop and I was flicking through a magazine, though not reading anything or even focusing on any of the pictures. Instead my mind was filled with reminiscing, retracing every thought, feeling and event the last couple of weeks had generated. There were holes; gaps that needed filling in order for me to file them away. I had questions for Nicholi, things that at the time had gone unnoticed or I was too distracted to think about clearly. Now was the time and as I opened the door to his office and saw him sat hunched over the computer, tension exuding from his every pore, I would get the answers.

‘Hey, baby, nearly done, everything okay?’ One thing I had noticed about Nicholi was the bravado he could just pull out whenever he wanted to distract me from the truth, and I was not falling for it any longer.

‘How did you know where the thermostat was?’ I was staring at him, my stature rigid, unyielding this time.

‘The what?’ Was he just playing dumb to irritate me or did he actually think I would fall for it again so easily?

‘In the old house, you knew the whole layout as though you had been there before. Had you?’ My voice faltered at the end and I took a deep breath to steady myself in the hope it would give me the confidence to continue.

‘Sophia, where is this coming from? You’re looking at me like I’m the enemy.’ That was it, I had been floundering, but now I was livid.

‘Stop, stop trying to turn it around on me like I’m crazy to question you, when all along you have known who I was and you let me...’ Why was I not stronger, I could not say the words, but he knew exactly where my mind was going.

‘Love me; I let you fall in love with me?’ His tone was building up slowly with anger, his eyes calculating my every move.

‘It was all a lie, I was so blinded by my love for you I could not see it and now...’ Damn it, my resolve was failing again, what was wrong with me?

‘No you don’t, you don’t get to turn me into the bad guy. Yes there are things I have kept from you, for good reason, for your own safety.’ He was calming a little, but having moved out of his chair and towards me, his stature imposing over my small frame I had to step back.

‘God, you sound like my father, if it hasn’t escaped your attention I am a grown woman and can take care of myself.’ I stopped abruptly due to the way he was looking at me, horrified.

‘Why did you just step back? Christ, Sophia, I gathered you have daddy issues, but you honestly think I would ever hurt you?’

‘There you go again, trying to psychoanalyse me, what about you, Nicholi; you’re so perfect; nothing gets passed that iron clad heart, does it? Tell me the truth right now,’ I near screamed, the traitor tears yet again showing my true emotions. Why was I built this way? Why couldn’t I just get plain old mad without wearing my heart on my sleeves?

‘Yes, I had been to your house, when a person who I offer a job to is shot, it tends to make you a little suspicious. I needed to know who you were and why they would have come after you. No, I did not know who you were then; I started putting two and two together when I was at your house helping you pack. The picture on the mantel, the boy, I couldn’t get him out of my head, I had seen him before and then it clicked.’ Nicholi paused and sat on the edge of his desk as though his legs could not take the strain. His eyes were so dark I almost did not recognise them, the eyes I had searched intensely; he was back at the restaurant reliving everything.

‘Seth, the picture was of Seth.’ I too was unrecognisable to him no doubt. I certainly did not feel like myself at all and not wanting to acknowledge the reason why just yet, I pursued him further; I was not done yet. ‘Then why didn’t you tell me immediately?’

‘You don’t know how long I searched for you, how far I travelled. I have a whole room upstairs full of papers, notes, you changed your name, it was impossible.’ The locked room upstairs; I took another deep breath, the oxygen was just not flowing, there was a blockage. ‘I freely admit I felt an extreme physical attraction to you from the moment we met, cliché, the employer falls for the nanny, but when I figured out who you were it all melded into place and I’m sorry. I am fucking sorry I fell in love with you without your permission, but let us get this straight none of this is about us and you goddamn know it. Lay your cards down, Sophia; for once be honest with me.’ Those words stung like a thousand bees petrified and risking their lives, but there was no other choice.

‘I loved him.’

‘You loved him… Cross?’

‘Yes.’

‘After one night with him when you were under the most torturous pain, you love him?’ His tone was incredulous and patronising at the same time. ‘With all due respect, Sophia, you don’t know him at all and while I love the guy to death, he has more issues than both of us put together.’

‘There is more than that.’

‘Oh Jesus, just stop, there is always, more than that with you, you’re incredible, it’s me that holds back, it’s me that lies yet all along you have kept everything from me, did you ever even love me?’ He was staring at me, his eyes penetrating my soul, there were many truths to what he was saying and it was too much, I was too weak.

‘How can you even ask me that? You know how much I love you.’ The tears were flowing down my face, stinging my lip where I had bitten too hard. ‘I’m so confused.’ I could not take anymore. I held my arms up over my face, every particle of my being wanted to be held by him right now. I heard him sigh deeply, calming himself before coming over to me and fulfilling my unspoken desire, scooping me up into his arms and just holding me without words while I wept.

‘Nicholi, the story I told you about how Cross and Lexi got together, it was all true except it wasn’t my sister he was writing to, it was me.’ Nicholi looked dumbfounded; he staggered back and closed his eyes, I continued.

‘Although we were both identical in looks, our personalities couldn’t have differed more. Lexi was the outgoing, vivacious one. Everyone wanted to be her friend and all the boys loved her. I was the timid quiet one, the observer rather than the participant, and completely hidden within my sister’s shadow. When Cross asked her to write to him she laughed, why would she need a virtual guy when she could have anyone she wanted in our city. She suggested I write to him, knowing how shy I was, it was her perfect solution to getting me hooked up.

‘I thought it was crazy at first, but the more she pushed the more I started to think I could do it. So I took her place, I shared everything with him except the letters that made up my real name.’

‘Does Cross know?’ His voice was so pained I could barely find the strength to answer.

‘No.’ I had planned to tell him tomorrow, that was until he had said he loved me. I loved them both, and this was too much for any of us to deal with right now.

‘You need time, to accept everything, I know you haven’t gotten over what happened that night and neither have I, but together we can rebuild. I know without a shadow of doubt you and I are destined to be together and I will wait for you no matter how long it takes.’

‘Are you giving me permission to date your brother?’ Now I was the one that was incredulous, and wiping the tears away from my face, a complete mess.

‘I’m saying you do whatever you need to in order to find peace and there I will be waiting for you.’ I just shook my head, this was insane and yet part of me was longing to throw myself back into his arms and make love on one of the NASA chairs right there and then.

‘You need to get some rest, I will see you in the morning, okay?’ I just nodded and closed the door quietly behind me. That whole conversation was filled with more hidden truths than my brain could cope with. The spark plugs bogged down, unable to ignite, and I ran to the bathroom, throwing on both taps at full capacity and stripped off all my clothes, leaving them in a heap at the corner of the room, plunging into the depths of the water.

Sinking down under as far as the bath would allow me, I just lay there not thinking about anything other than Jacob, Max and my plans for their room. Something simple that could allow me enough time to relax; I could attempt to fall asleep. My body was deliriously sleep-deprived and throwing on some clean pyjamas, I went to check on the boys, finding them both blissfully asleep. I kissed both on the head, pulling the comforter up around Jacob that he had been born on and went back to my bedroom.

He was so quiet I had not heard him come upstairs and there sitting on the side of my bed was Nicholi. He was just staring into space, his eyes cold and unreadable.

‘You know this used to be my room, the guest room is so uninteresting, and it could use a little colour.’ His mouth formed into a half smirk and I edged closer to the bed.

‘Nicholi, I...’

‘Soph, I could really use a hug about now.’ He lifted his eyes to meet mine, the tears forming and I couldn’t take it, wrapping myself as tightly as I could around his large frame, I laid my head on his shoulder.

‘I’m so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you, not you, you saved my life, I really do love you, you know,’ I whispered, my tears returning, mingling with his as he leant in to kiss me, starting at my forehead, kissing each eye in turn before his lips hungrily met mine, I reciprocated, my body purring with our proximity. He pulled away first.

‘It will be okay, everything will be okay and now you need to get some rest.’ Untangling himself from me, Nicholi reached to pull the comforter down and I obediently entered, letting him tuck me in as I had Jacob only hours earlier.

‘Do you think you could stay with me?’ I pulled the comforter back for him to enter and without words; he removed his pants and sweater, climbed in next to me, facing away to the door.

‘Night, Sophia,’ was all he said as I turned over and let sleep devour me.

I awoke around six-thirty, draped all over Nicholi, nestled into his chest, his arms wrapped around me, completely secure. I could feel just how much his body was enjoying the closeness and attempted to manoeuvre carefully away to no avail. Nicholi immediately stirred and sensing my escape attempt, held me closer.

The door flying open with Jacob and Max catapulting themselves on the bed was the only thing that made Nicholi release me, as though subconsciously his body was at conflict with his mind.

‘Hey, you, did you sleep well?’ I asked, ruffling Jacob’s hair and throwing the blanket over Max’s head, generating raucous hysterical laughs.

‘Yes, I am hungry, am I going to school today?’ Jacob mused. I looked to Nicholi who just shrugged, it was my decision now, everything was. Wanting to regain a sense of normality, I confirmed they were both to attend and I would pick them up later as normal, fixing breakfast before Nicholi drove them to school on his way to the office.

I pored through my closet looking for something different to wear that Cross hadn’t seen me in a thousand times, and settled on jeans with a red sweater, pulling my hair up into a high bun and applying minimal make up, I too left to rendezvous with Cross at our agreed location.

I arrived there around ten forty-five, the wind suddenly picking up sending shivers down my spine. I pulled my jacket closer to me and checked my watch, it was eleven-fifteen and he still was not here. Assuming the interview had gone on longer than expected; I stamped my feet to try to keep warm, hoping the motion would get my blood running again, my feet virtually numb with cold. At eleven forty-five and still no sign of Cross, I reached into my bag and grabbed the cell phone, ready to dial when an incoming call penetrated through. I did not recognise the number, but accepted the call anyway.

‘Hello.’

‘Is this Sophia Nichols?’

‘Speaking.’ This felt really ominous and my heart started to beat faster.

‘At eleven-fifteen a Crocifisso Veneto was brought into St Bart’s, naming you as his next of kin to contact,’ a woman, I would guess in her early thirties began, I interrupted.

‘He what? Oh my god, is he okay?’ I was starting to freak out, why if he had given my details was he not calling me himself.

‘Please try to remain calm, Miss Nichols, my name is Doctor Alyssa Green, and I was the chief resident on scene when your partner was brought in.’ She was clearly used to panicking relatives, but she didn’t know my history. The thought of anyone I loved requiring hospitalisation of any sort left my mind wandering to all the dark file cabinets I had stored there. The fear was all consuming.

‘Miss Nichols, try not to panic, but I would like you to come to the hospital as soon as possible. Could you have someone transport you?’ She clearly thought I was in no fit state to drive and she was absolutely right. I advised I would hail a taxi and be right there, hanging up the phone and immediately hitting the button to call Nicholi. No answer on his cell left me the office, and the phone was answered just as I got into the taxi.

‘I need to speak to Nicholi Veneto now.’ Gone were any kind of pleasantries, and the response I received just infuriated me further.

‘I’m afraid Mr Veneto is in a meeting and cannot be disturbed.’ The constipated, nasal, robotic tone of the receptionist’s voice just fuelled my anger even further.

‘Get him right now, it is an emergency,’ and the phone switched to hold music, not before I heard her moaning haughtily about having to leave her freshly brewed cup of coffee to go cold while she serviced the needs of a cheap girlfriend. On normal occasions this would have bothered me, but all I could think of was Cross in hospital, not knowing what was wrong, the doctor would not confirm over the phone for confidentiality purposes.