In The Bleak Midwinter: A Special Agent Constance Mandalay Novel (2 page)

“My stomach doesn’t feel very good
either.”

“I sure hope you aren’t coming down with
something,” Elizabeth said while she carefully manipulated the
glove back onto her hand. Eventually she offered, “Do you think
maybe it was just too much excitement at your class party
today?”

“Maybe,” Merrie replied, agreeing easily.
“That’s when I started getting the headache. There really was a lot
going on.”

It seemed like as good an excuse as any, and
if her Mom came up with it, even better. She’d be more likely to
believe it that way, and maybe she would stop asking questions if
Merrie just played along.

“I bet you ate a lot of candy too.”

“Yeah.” Merrie lied. She didn’t want to, but
her mother was still prying and it was just easier this way.

What she really needed was for her to stop
digging because if she didn’t, then she might accidentally tell her
what happened; and if she did, then… Well… Merrie didn’t even want
to think about it, but she just couldn’t make herself think about
anything else.

“Did you at least have fun?” Elizabeth
prodded.

“Sure.”

“Oh, I meant to ask earlier… Did you get to
help with the younger kids and S-A-N-T-A like you wanted?”

Merrie felt her stomach twist into a hard
knot. This was exactly the kind of thing she had been afraid her
mother would ask. Fortunately, her sister gave her an unexpected
reprieve.

“SANTA! SANTA!” Becca chirped from the back
seat, abandoning the never-ending song in favor of her mother’s
mention of the Jolly Man himself. “Santa Claus!”

Obviously the spelling trick was no longer a
viable option.

Elizabeth said something to her youngest
daughter, but Merrie didn’t catch it, other than to know words were
being spoken. The man in the red suit was filling her thoughts as
well, but in a much different way than he was for Becca.

And, those painful words were bouncing around
inside her skull once again.

“It would be your fault…”

Even as the phrase echoed silently through
her head, she could feel him. His hand slipping beneath the pleated
skirt of her school uniform as he groped her in places he shouldn’t
touch. The bare light bulb inside the janitor’s closet cast a dim
glow from above, and as he held her down he appeared as little more
than a hulking silhouette in muddy tones of red and white. He stank
with a weird “grandma’s house” smell of cigarettes, mothballs, and
peppermint candies. It filled her nose, tingling and taking her
breath away as he held his other hand pressed tightly over her
mouth. Even now, she could feel the hot tears that had burned her
eyes as he pushed his fingers into the waistband of her underwear
and pulled them down around her knees.

“Remember, this is a secret…”
he
whispered, his cigarette stinking breath was wet on her cheek, and
the fake beard felt scratchy against her skin. “If you tell anyone,
I’ll have to come to your house and hurt your parents. Maybe even
kill them. It would be your fault that I would have to kill them.
You don’t want that to happen, do you? You don’t want to make me
kill your parents, right? Promise you won’t tell…”

She had tried to promise, but her mouth was
still covered and all that came out was a whine from her nose. Of
course, it didn’t matter, because he wasn’t listening to her
anyway. He was already doing things he shouldn’t do.

Things that hurt…

Things that made her cry…

“We’ll see, Becca… We’ll see…” Elizabeth’s
exasperated voice snapped Merrie back into the here and now, but
the memories remained, fresh and painful as ever.

She shrunk herself as small as she could
inside her down-filled coat, balling her small hands into tight
fists and pulling them up into the puffy sleeves. She pushed her
chin against her chest and her dark hair flopped forward to cover
her face. The air from the heater vent in the floorboard was hot
against her legs, and it reminded her of his rough, probing hands
against her skin. She shuddered, and then lifted her chin and
turned her head to look out the side window. In an absent motion
she reached up and brushed the hair from her eyes with the back of
her sleeve.

Merrie stared through the smudged pane of
glass as the landscape rushed by. The sun was already resting low
on the horizon behind them, so the snow covered fields on either
side of the highway were already filling with scary, blue-black
shadows. But home wasn’t all that far away. They would be there
soon and then maybe she would finally feel safe.

Home had to be safe. It just had to be.
Surely he couldn’t find them there. Ater all, he wasn’t really
Santa Claus. Santa wasn’t even
real
. So he didn’t have a
magic list.

But maybe he didn’t need one. He knew her
name…

“Ho, Ho, Ho!” he bellowed, putting on a show
for Sister Conran. “Why yes, Sister. Yes, Merrie was very helpful
today. Thank you so much for letting her assist me. I wouldn’t have
been prepared to visit with the younger children without her. She’s
Santa’s special little helper. Aren’t you, Merrie?”

She wanted to cringe when he reached over
and rubbed his hand against her back in a way that just didn’t feel
right. She thought about telling the nun what had really happened,
but she knew Sister Conran would probably think she was lying.

“What do you say, Merrie Frances?” Sister
Conran demanded, her voice sharp and mean like always.

“Yes, sir… Thank you for letting me help.”
Merrie managed to choke out the words, but she kept her eyes aimed
at the floor as she spoke. She simply couldn’t bear to look at
him.

“Yes,” he continued with his praise and
unwelcome touching. “Merrie is Santa’s very special little helper,
she is… VERY special…”

Merrie’s stomach continued to churn as a new
wave of fear settled over her.
He knew her name
.

But… it’s just my name,
she thought.
And I live in Hulis, not Mais. That’s a whole town away. He
can’t
really
know where I live.
Unless he is
following us…

Hollowness filled Merrie’s chest at the
thought, and she wasn’t sure she could breathe anymore. She closed
her eyes and tried to wish as hard as she could that she was really
just asleep. That this was all just a terrible nightmare, and that
when she opened her eyes she would be waking up in her bed. And
that instead of mothballs and cigarettes, she would smell the fresh
cut evergreen Christmas tree in the living room… And wood burning
in the fireplace… And hot oatmeal with lots of butter, and
cinnamon, and brown sugar, just the way she liked it…

But when she finally did open her eyes, the
snowy fields were still flashing by the window behind a gray-white
fog on the inside of the glass. And though he wasn’t here, his
nasty smell lingered in her nose, even if it was just a bad
memory.

And, she was still afraid.

Merrie loosened her safety belt then slowly
twisted in the seat, lifting herself up just enough to see over its
back. Fear or not, she had to know if he was following them.
Peeking carefully through the rear window she saw no cars, just the
empty, dark asphalt of the highway funneling toward a shrinking
point in the distance.

At least now maybe she could breathe.

“Santa Claus is coming to town!” Becca
crooned, grinning at her older sister and waving her hands as she
yelped out the song. “Watch out! He’s gonna find out you’re naughty
and nice! Santa Claus…”

Merrie managed a weak smile at her sibling
before turning around and settling back into her seat and
rearranging her safety belt. Becca didn’t understand. She still
believed in reindeer. And magic. And happiness. And Santa. She
didn’t know who he really was. She didn’t know what the man in the
red suit would do to her. That thought frightened Merrie most of
all.

“Is something wrong?” Elizabeth asked,
glancing into the rear view mirror, then over at her daughter.

“No.”

“You’re not acting like yourself, honey.”

“I’m okay. Just tired from the party. Like
you said.”

“Okay…” Elizabeth sighed, then added, “I
really hope you aren’t coming down with that flu. Especially this
close to Christmas.”

“Mom?” Merrie asked after a short pause.

“Yes?”

“Does God really hate you if you have bad
thoughts about someone?”

Elizabeth glanced at her daughter
thoughtfully and then centered her eyes back on the road. “Is that
what the nuns at school tell you?”

“They say you’ll go to hell.”

Her mother sighed. “Are you having bad
thoughts about someone?”

Merrie mumbled, “Yes.”

“Who?”

“Just…someone.”

“You don’t want to tell me?”

Inside her head, the bad words bullied Merrie
once again.

“Remember. This is a secret…
If you
tell anyone, I’ll have to come to your house and hurt your parents.
Maybe even kill them. It would be your fault that I would have to
kill them. You don’t want that to happen, do you? You don’t want to
make me kill your parents, right? Promise you won’t tell…”

“I can’t…” she replied.

“Why not?”

“I just can’t… I… I sort of made a
promise.”

Elizabeth glanced at her daughter again. “So
is that what’s really bothering you, honey? These bad thoughts… Is
that maybe why you’re feeling sick?”

Merrie gave her a shallow nod. “Sort of… I
guess.”

Her mother sighed. “You’re only
ten-years-old, sweetheart. I’m sure God will forgive you.”

“Are you really sure?”

“Yes, honey. I’m really sure.” Elizabeth
waited for a moment before adding, “If you don’t feel like you can
tell me about it right now, and it’s still bothering you later,
maybe your father and I can talk with you this evening. But only if
you want.”

“But… Wouldn’t God hate me if I broke a
promise?”

“I don’t believe God hates anyone,
sweetheart, and you shouldn’t either.”

Elizabeth made a mental note to discuss this
with her husband and schedule a conference with Sister Conran.
Soon. This wasn’t the first time Merrie had expressed a fear of
Hell, but it was definitely the first time it seemed to affect her
so adversely. They were paying the tuition and making these
twice-daily road trips so that they could send their daughter to
Immaculate Conception for a good education, not so she could be
brainwashed and intimidated. They’d known the staff at IC wasn’t as
progressive regarding religion as they would have liked, but it was
the only Catholic school within a reasonable distance, and moving
simply wasn’t an option. However, if this was the sort of thing
Merrie had to endure, she would probably be better off going to the
public school in Hulis; not to mention it would save both money and
time.

After a pause, Elizabeth said, “You know,
Merrie, sometimes it helps me feel better if I talk about what’s
bothering me.”

“Even if you made a promise not to?” Merrie
asked.

“Sometimes,” she replied with a nod. “It sort
of depends on the promise…” Elizabeth paused for a long moment then
clucked her tongue and said, “I’ll tell you what. I’ll stop
pestering you about it. You just give it some thought, and if you
feel like talking later we can. I’d just hate it if you were
feeling bad over the holidays. So would your father. Especially if
it’s something we can help you sort through.”

“Okay,” Merrie replied. “I’ll think about
it.”

The truth is, she didn’t want to think about
it at all. She wanted nothing more than to make it go away. She
wanted to just pretend it never happened. But she had a terrible
kind of weird feeling inside. It was a kind of feeling that told
her she couldn’t ever make this go away.

Ever.

Still, her mother’s words gave her some small
bit of comfort. In a way, they had switched on a dim light in the
terrible darkness that had been wrapped around her all afternoon.
Once they were at home, maybe they really would be safe. And, if
she could tell Daddy what had happened, he could protect Mom and
Becca from the man in the red suit. Daddy would know just what to
do and then everything would be okay. He would make it all
right.

They continued along the highway in silence,
but Merrie’s mood wasn’t quite as dark as before. The inner glow
was becoming brighter as they closed the distance between
themselves and home. For the first time since late this morning,
she was feeling that it was possible everything could be okay. They
just had to get home before that could happen.

However, a few short minutes later, as they
entered the limits of the township of Hulis, her mother slowed the
vehicle and then turned it to the right instead of the normal left.
In that moment, everything changed. They were headed toward Main
Street and away from the safety of home.

Alarmed, Merrie asked, “Where are we
going?”

“Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you. I
have to stop at Norris’s to pick up a few things for Christmas
dinner,” Elizabeth replied. “The weatherman is predicting a lot of
snow tonight and tomorrow, so I want to get it done now so we don’t
have to go out. Besides, that way we can just stay in and bake
cookies all day.”

“Oh.”

“What? Baking cookies doesn’t sound like
fun?”

“Yes…it does. I like baking cookies,” Merrie
said, trying to use the thread of conversation to hide her sudden
panic. “Can we make chocolate chip?”

“Absolutely!” Elizabeth glanced over at her
daughter and saw that her expression, just like her tone, didn’t
truly match her words. She smiled and reassured her, “Don’t worry.
It shouldn’t take very long. We just need a few things.”

“Okay… Umm… How long do you think?”