In the Absence of You (9 page)

That’s not it though. Nothing happened to me. I just don’t like the smell, and I’m that crazy dude who doesn’t even find nurse uniforms hot. Rip them off is my vote. Dress in cool colors, girls. Come to think of it, syringes suck too, another reason why hospitals are gruesomeness times five.

Troll has canceled the next show in Canada. It’s right across the border and the ticket sales are astronomical, he tells us just short of grumbling. There’s no way we’ll perform without Bo though, and he’s not leaving Nadia’s side.

Most of the crew has left for the airport hotel Troll’s booked for us, but Elias, Troy, Aishe, and I are at the ER waiting for news. We want to confirm that Nadia’s out of danger before we leave.

The soda and snack machines are in plain view, while Elias took a minute to locate the hot chocolate and coffee down a hallway. We’ve been back and forth a few times by now. We chat. But there’s still plenty of time to get lost in thought.

Despite Aishe’s seduction last night, my decision hasn’t changed. That was a fluke. Yes, I love being close to this girl, but I can’t keep playing with her. We’re both better off with me sticking to random hookups I don’t have to see afterward.

Doesn’t mean I can’t drag her down on my lap now, while we wait. Troy scrutinizes me but relents when I meet his stare head-on. I won’t apologize for needing a second’s reassurance and some warmth. I pull her into me, and she laces her arms around my neck, leaning her body against mine, breasts giving to my chest. It sure beats loneliness.

I’ve got a tune in my head. I hum it but not low enough, I guess. A few of the patients hear me and try not to look.

Troll comes by to check on us an hour later. He’s got the bus and the crew situated at the hotel and room keys to hand out. I’m fucking tempted to rent a room for Aishe and me just so I can have her in my arms all night. That’s where my boundaries need to go though. It’d be too tender and sweet and intimate.

She’s sleeping on me when Bo breaches the frosted doors, returning to us alone. I sit up so abruptly Aishe slides between my thighs and jerks awake. She stands, rubbing sleep from her eyes.

“Is she okay?” I ask before anyone else.

Elias’ phone drops to the floor—he’s been playing games on it for hours—and Troy straightens in his seat, dreadlocks flinging behind him against the plastic seat.

Bo is like my brother, but I can’t decipher his expression this morning. There’s something ghostly about him. His pallor, certainly, which makes the dark rings around his eyes more prominent and the grey of his irises eerie.

He crosses his arms, nodding. “Yeah. She’ll be okay. She lost a lot of blood. A lot.” His throat bobs on a swallow, and I’m hoping it’s because he’s relieved. Goddamn, I can’t take my brother like this. I remember him before Nadia. He had some gloomy fucking years before her.

“What about the baby?” I ask and watch him stuff his hands deep into his pockets. His stare moves around, not looking at me, and—fuck—his chin quivers.

“They replenished with several bags of blood,” he whispers as Aishe reaches him. She hugs him and pulls him toward us until he’s in our midst. “Nadia survived because of all the blood they gave her.”

“Shit, man,” I manage.

“I’m so sorry,” Troy says what I should have said.

“But
she’s
okay. That’s the most important thing,” Elias says.

My half-hug is supported by the others. We get Bo in some sort of huddle, eyes glossy for Nadia and him.

“You can have other babies. There’re tons more where they come from,” I tell him. With tears running down her cheeks, Aishe glares at me like I’ve said something wrong, and for a fraction of a moment, she reminds me of my bitchy girl.

“I don’t think Nadia sees it that way.” Bo can’t speak clearly anymore. There’s a warble to his tone I’ve never heard before. “She has lost so much, Emil.
Everything
she’s lost in her life.”

“She’s never lost you,” I object. “You’re an ass, but she seems to dig you.”

“True, man,” Elias chimes in, and even Troy approves of something I say for once. He’s usually stuck up and wanting things expressed differently and better and more politely. “True, she always seems happy around you, which must be
your
fault.”

“I feel like apologizing for your friends,” Aishe mumbles, but Bo touches her shoulder before covering an eye with the back of his hand.

“They’re keeping her overnight. Want to make sure she’s okay.”

“They better. I mean, it would be pretty crazy if they didn’t, right?” Elias says, looking between us. “The back lounge was a freaking crime scene.”

“Elias!” Aishe barks. “What’s
wrong
with you?”

“Sorry, Bo. It was crazy though.”

“I’ll be staying here tonight,” Bo says to Troll, who nods and jingles the keys to his rent-a-car. “They’re rolling in a bed for me. She’s sleeping now, but she won’t wake up alone in that room.” Bo’s eyebrows contract as he works to suppress emotion.

“Do you need anything before we head over to the hotel?” Troll asks, handing over his overnight bag. “I dropped your toothbrush in there.”

“Ah no. I’m good. I’m going back in, guys. She needs me.”

Yeah. We know.

AISHE

“I
’m saying, ‘I don’t. Fucking. Care!’”

It’s been three days since Nadia was released from the hospital, and we’re still stranded at the airport hotel. Troll isn’t his regular, impatient self. The man is in disaster mode, finding solutions and calming everyone down.

Only this time it’s different. Because Bo is never the one freaking out. Bo invented stoicism. Controlled and in charge, he’s the perfect leader of Clown Irruption, yet now we’re stranded because of him and we’re paying for the bus, for the driver, canceling show after show while Bo refuses to uproot Nadia from their hotel room and move on.

“All I care about is her, okay, and she’s not doing well. I’m not playing a single show with my darling this ill. Rent someone in for all I care.”

Rent someone in? As in a hired musician?

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Emil shouts. “There’s no hiring people in to replace you ever. What the fuck are you talking about? Plus, Nadia looks fine to me. A little pale, but she was downstairs yesterday. She’s eating, right?”

Bo whips around, glaring at his friend, eyes laser-bright with anger. Emil doesn’t look intimidated. They must have had their fights over the years. “You think because people can walk they’re okay? She cries herself to sleep, Emil.

“She dreams about him, about growing thick with him. And then she wakes up, realizing that won’t happen, and she’s losing him all over again! Ah shit.” He scrubs his face and rakes his fingers through his hair in one desperate move. “Guys, I’m quitting.”

“You’re
what?”

“I’m going back with her tomorrow. We’re leaving for L.A.”

Even Troll needs a moment to absorb this.

“Why tomorrow?” Troy asks, voice calm and buying time.

“Her ticket expires. She was supposed to leave out of Pittsburgh tomorrow, but I’m getting it changed to right here in Fresco.”

We’re at the hotel bar. It’s early afternoon and no one except the band is here, so when Emil slams his hand on the table, roaring, “You’re gonna ruin Clown Irruption over this?” only a bartender is there to see.

“Sweetie…” The brittle voice comes from the door.

Mostly, Nadia stays in their room. In the days we’ve been here, I’ve only seen her twice. Once, when Bo brought her back here from the hospital. Instead of using the hotel’s wheelchair, he carried her all the way inside, to the elevator, and up to their room. The second time was at breakfast yesterday morning. She forced herself to ingest a few spoonfuls of oatmeal, what Emil refers to as “eating.” He doesn’t understand.

Nadia and I are both thin, but right now, the way she stands in the doorway, she’s the slightest alabaster statue hiding behind dark locks, so unassuming she could pass for a part of the design.

I try to suppress my thought, but it comes anyway: it’s hard to imagine her lush with child.

“Nadia, you’re up!” Bo’s stool screeches back as he jumps to his feet and swallows the distance between them. “Are you okay?” He bends in. Kisses her lips, touching her face like he didn’t just see her fifteen minutes ago.

Love fire. They have it.

She leans into his side, forehead hitting his chest and resting there as her eyes go to the floor. Bo wraps his arms around his love, keeping her safe against him. He wants to protect her from all the world. If only her pain hadn’t surged from the two of them. What a plunge they took, from bliss to grief, in just a few hours.

“I’m done here, darling. I’ll take you upstairs,” he murmurs, but she shakes her head. Lifts a hand and points at our table.

“I think we all need to talk.”

A furrow of surprise settles between Bo’s eyebrows. “What about? All’s sorted out. You don’t have to worry anymore. I won’t leave you alone. I’m going home with you tomorrow.” Cautious, as if she’s made of porcelain, he helps her onto his stool and stands next to her, a hand on the backrest and the other over her stomach.

She smiles a pale smile, eyes dull with their loss, but she shakes her head to him, saying, “No, that’s not what I want. This is your livelihood—all of your livelihoods—and we can’t jeopardize that because I might feel lonely. I’ve got Zoe. She’ll be there for me. She always is.”

Emil sits next to me. It’s hard not to catch the way his eyes blacken at her mention of Zoe. I’m so selfish I think,
Why did she have to mention her?

For me, the hotel stay has been good. I’ve slept in Emil’s arms two out of three nights. He withdrew again as soon as Nadia was out of danger, and of course I see the writing on that one; Emil needs me close when he’s worried. And I, I’m at a point where I take what I can.

“That sounds like a good plan,” Troll ventures, but Bo cuts in as if he never even spoke.

“That’s not an option. There is no way I’m leaving you alone, like before, like when I was on tour and you were dealing with—”

“Hush,” she says. “We’re not who we were back then, neither of us.”

She’s unselfish, and again I make that about me. I’m a stark contrast, wiggling myself into Emil’s life to save my own.

I want to get to know her better, see if some of that sweetness rubs off. At some point I want to hear their story. From quiet conversations and hints, I understand that their ever-after didn’t come easily.

“Darling,” Bo murmurs, mouth against the top of her head. “Let’s not talk about this anymore. I’ll get you home, and then we’ll take one day at a time.”

Her eyes widen, understanding that it’s a no. In the midst of her grief, she grasps what we’re grasping, that Bo is throwing away everyone’s hard work and future for no backup plans.

My heart is drumming.

Shandor stares at me, a new glow in his eyes. In his head, he’s already onto our next adventure. We’ll be fine. Shandor and I land on our feet like cats. But Emil would disappear from my life.

“I want to stay on the road with you until I feel better,” she says. Her chin tips upward, and I see how she can be stubborn too. Nadia blinks back moisture before she continues. “I’m withdrawing from classes for this semester, baby, because I won’t be able to concentrate on my studies anyway now. So I’m free to come along. You can employ me.”

Wow, she even tries for a joke.

The silence is stunned. Two more months with Nadia on the road. God, I hope they agree. Although what other option do they have if they want to tour with a complete band?

“Really? You’d do that for me?”

“I’ll do that for us. For everyone.” The room seems to fill with air as people shift on their feet and breathe out. Elias brings his hands to his head, tugging at that bright white mop-top of his and blowing his cheeks up with relief.

“Jesus, well, you saved our asses, girl,” Emil puffs out, stretching a hand out and ruffling Nadia’s hair. Bo slaps him away, glowering.

“I was picturing myself fighting for a waiter job in Los Angeles until we were back on track,” Emil adds. “I suck as a waiter.”

“He really does,” Troy tells me.

“Shut up, dude, you’re not much better yourself.”

“At least I got tips. Tell them how much you got on your best night.”

“Wait, you guys worked together as waiters?” I ask.

“That’s how we met. Turned out Troy was one hell of a drummer. I found out when our bud from Sweden chickened out to stay with his girlfriend back home.”

“All right.” Troll’s pitch is even gruffer than usual, and I realize his job was at stake too. The man has a wife and kids at home, and if Bo left the band, he’d be unemployed too. Something tells me a temporary waiter job wouldn’t cut it for him. “Get ready, guys. We’re closing out of the hotel—tonight. I’m letting Jack know he’s driving ASAP. Pack up. Be at the bus in thirty minutes sharp.”

Halting, Troll turns to Nadia. “Ma’am, does that work for you?” Oh he recognizes his new boss. Hearing him call her ma’am is adorable. “The back lounge is in even better shape than before the… accident.”

She nods weakly. “I might take a nap.”

“We’re waiting until she’s had a nap,” Bo declares, but then her hand goes to his cheek, and she says, “I’ll be resting in our bus suite, okay? You can make me tea there, maybe?”

Bo leans his forehead to hers, closing his eyes. “Oh God. Yes, yes, I’ll brew you tea. I’ve missed you.”

“It’ll be overdrive on Jack, pretty much thirty-six hours straight to our next gig, but we’ll make it.” Troll says, allowing a grin to open his face.

“Showtime!” Emil pumps his fist in the air, making me suppress a laugh.

“Showtime!” Elias repeats.

And so it is. Thirty-five hours later, we’re in Clapury.

EMIL

“You remember how
we met?” I say to Nadia. It’s after our second Canadian show, I’m hammered, and I’m trying to stay away from the girl who hunts me down and gives me love each night I surrender to temptation.

Nadia hasn’t been out to watch our concerts this week. For Bo’s sake, she’s acted like she would, but she sneaks off early, and she’s always on the bus before everyone else.

“I remember how you met,” she says, red-rimmed gaze floating to me from the back-lounge couch. “That first after-party, when Zoe dragged me along with her. I can’t say I remember the details though. I left pretty early.”

“Mmm. It was love at first sight,” I say, smiling. “T’was always so easy with Zoe. She’s so crazy, man. I don’t know—I always, always liked her.”

“You’re slurring. It doesn’t make things better to drink that much.”

“Ja. Nothing makes shit better,” I say. “Anyways. Bo sent me to tell you he’ll be right back. Something about a meet-n-greet.”

“That you’re not a part of?”

“I’ve been ’scused.” I tip my shoulders high under my ears before dropping them. They’re weights now, pulling me down. “Troll says I’d do more harm than good. Says he doesn’t want a ride-along back to the U.S.”

“As in a groupie? You ran into someone already?”

“Naw, but you know how t’is. I would’ve ’ventually, at the meet-n-greet.”

She sighs like I’m a problem. I
have
a problem, is the thing. Zoe. Or I don’t have that problem anymore, which
is
the problem. Zoe’s the best, bitchiest, funniest little problem to have.

“I want my problem back.”

“What?” Nadia wasn’t inside my head, I realize, so when I burst out laughing, she’s got no clue.

“Zoe, I mean. Remember how she used to bitch at the shows? How jealous she was? I never did anything, but she’d be pissed if she weren’t there. What about when I called her from Buenos Aires? She was so mad at me she pretty much wanted my wiener to fall off.”

I haven’t seen Nadia laugh since she lost her baby. She does now, which I need to not forget so I can tell Bo.

“Yeah, Zoe was a bit insecure about you.”

“Just because I’m an awesomesauce rock star! Woot.” I cheer, imitating the crowd, and Nadia shakes her head, making the
zip-it
gesture with two fingers.

“There’s no one like Zoe,” I tell her then. “I made a mistake. That’s all. I never meant for that to happen.”

“I understand, Emil. I understand both of your sides, okay, but Zoe is my best friend. She went through hell trying to stomach what happened with you, and she couldn’t. You have to respect that.”

“No! No, I don’t respect it. If she loved me, she’d try harder.” There’s something stuck in my throat that makes my voice sound like a frog’s. “I’d do fucking anything for her, Nadia. Did she just stop loving me?”

There’s movement in the bunk area. I turn, and with my eyes swimming I locate Aishe. She fumbles with something in her suitcase and doesn’t look at us.

“Shhh, let’s not do this, sweetie. People are about to get on the bus. You don’t want to—”

“Please, don’t cut me off!”

Will I ever feel better than this? I’m deep, deep inside the anguish over what happened. Zoe came to me so easily. Isn’t it ironic how easily she left?

“Emil, I’d never cut you off. I just think that you’d be better off sleeping than delving into the past again.”

“Is that how you feel about your baby?”

Aishe sucks air in so deep I hear her from the bunk area. Nadia though, she stops breathing. Her eyes are wider than I’ve ever seen them, but I—