In Name Only (12 page)

*  *  *

“I’m letting you
off here,” said David. “The convent is down the street, last building on the
right.”

“I know where the
convent is.”

“I won’t move
from this spot.”  He assisted Caroline down onto the street and she rushed off
without further words.

A gust of wind
caused her hat to slip and her hand flew up to keep it on her head.

She reached the
last house on the right, a brownstone with a horse tethered to the front
hitching post and a young nun dressed in a brown habit standing next to it. 
Caroline could faintly hear dogs barking from behind the house and high-pitched
moaning from the open upstairs window.

“Where is the
girl who’s laboring?” she asked the nun.

“Are you a
relation?”

“She doesn’t have
any family. I am Selly’s friend.  She asked me to be present when her time
came.”

“In the bedroom
upstairs, first door to the left, Miss.”

She picked up her
skirts and climbed the stairs quickly, taking two at a time.  She heard a
scream, then followed the guttural sounds. 

Caroline knocked
on the door.  It was quickly opened by the Mother Superior, also in brown
habit.  She was a tall, imposing woman who seemed to take up the entire
doorway.

“Miss Martin,
please do come in.”

Caroline took off
her hat and lay it on the nearby desk.  The middle-aged Mother Superior and an
even older midwife were the only people in the room with Selly.

The nun leaned in
close to Caroline. “Selly’s having a dreadful time.”

“This is too
early,” Caroline whispered to Mother Superior.

“I know, dear. 
Here, sit by her head.” Caroline sat at a chair beside Selly’s bed. 

Selly’s long
black hair was wet and her face was drenched with sweat.  “Selly, it’s me,
Caroline. I’m here.”

The young
servant’s eyes were sunken but in a minute were wide as the next pain gripped
her small body.  Caroline quickly removed her gloves and spoke quietly into
Selly’s ear.  “Hold on to my hand and squeeze as hard as you need to.”  Obeying
the order, Selly squeezed Caroline’s hand so hard, her nails dug into Caroline’s
palms. “Yes, that’s good, Selly. You’re doing a fine job.  Your baby will be
born soon.”

Caroline glanced
at the midwife who was whispering something to the nun. The midwife was a large
woman, not so much tall but round, her salt and pepper hair pulled up. Sister
then quietly said in Caroline’s ear, “She thinks the baby is likely dead.”

Caroline held
Selly’s hand as the girl endured another agonizing contraction.  In between
pains, Caroline wiped Selly’s brow with a cool cloth.  As each pain subsided, Selly
gradually softened her grip. 

After an hour or
so, Caroline watched as the midwife again spoke with Mother Superior, and she
studied both women to decipher what was being said.  The midwife was shaking
her head and the nun blessed herself.

Selly clung onto
Caroline’s hand and within minutes, pushed the child free of her body. Caroline
watched the midwife smack the lifeless infant, which she could see was a girl,
in an attempt to revive her.

Selly looked up,
her eyelids heavy, and tried to smile.  “Miss Caroline, I’m so glad you came,”
her voice just above a whisper.

“I told you I
would.”

Seconds turned
into minutes as the midwife rubbed the baby, but after two or three moments,
she looked up at Mother Superior and shook her head.  “Born too soon,” the
midwife said.

“I don’t feel so
good.”  An ever increasing puddle of blood was seeping out from under Selly’s
bottom.

“Selly’s
bleeding!” the midwife yelled.

The midwife’s
round fists began to frantically knead Selly’s abdomen, pushing, punching the
servant’s nearly flat stomach.  “Come on, dearie,” she urged.  Selly’s hand
became limp in Caroline’s grasp.  Thinking that the girl had fainted, Caroline
reached for a cloth and began wiping Selly’s forehead.  As she sponged her
face, Caroline noticed that Selly seemed frightfully still.  Moving closer to
her head, she exclaimed,  “She’s not breathing.  Please, please, help her!”

The midwife
stepped back, then felt Selly’s head and listened for her heartbeat.  “Nothing
can be done for her. I’m sorry, dear.”

“No!”  Caroline’s
head lowered.  She began to sob quietly. 

“There, there,
dear.  I am sorry for your loss,” said Mother, her hand gently patting
Caroline’s shoulder.  “She was so brave.”

“Yes, she was.”

“May I remain in
here with her?” Caroline whispered as she wiped her cheeks and straightened.

“Certainly,” said
the midwife as she departed the room.

“Take all the
time you need,” Mother Superior offered.  “I shall be sending someone for the
priest, to give the poor girl Extreme Unction.”  Sister quietly closed the
door.

Caroline dabbed
her eyes with her handkerchief, then reached for the young girl’s limp hand and
held onto it, still wet with perspiration.  She tenderly brushed back a lock of
hair on the girl’s forehead and caressed her damp head.  Caroline released a
long, mournful sigh. Ironically, a burst of sunlight lit the room in glorious
color.

She hadn’t
noticed the surroundings before now, but as she glanced about at the white
walls, it gave her comfort to see Selly in such a clean and bright room. The
plain white linen sheet was devoid of lace or any sort of monogram.  She
glanced up at the wall above Selly’s bed to find a simple wooden crucifix.

Caroline gently
placed Selly’s hand under the sheet and moved to the small desk.  A piece of
parchment was on top.  The ink well was positioned to the top right of the
paper and the quill pen, hastily cast aside, lay on top of the letter.  Small
droplets of ink like blood had dripped onto the page. Caroline picked up the
paper.

“Mother Superior
has asked me if I would like to stay here after the baby is born.  She said
that perhaps I can work in the kitchen.”

Caroline lifted
the first page from underneath.

Dear Miss
Caroline,

She closed her
eyes and sighed.

“
I want to
thank you so much for the kindness which you have shown me these past few months.
When I received your letter, I was especially happy.  You have treated me with
the utmost respect as if I was someone special.  I never before felt special. 
Thank you for that, Miss Caroline.

“And please
don’t go on about Mr. David.  I don’t know why he said the things he did to me,
accusing me of being with someone else, but despite that, my heart still aches
for him.  I can’t help it, but after everything that’s happened, I still love
him with all my heart.  And isn’t that the way love ought to be?  Loving
someone even when he is unkind to you is what it means to truly love him
.

Caroline shook
her head, and repeated the girl’s last words, “Loving someone even when he’s
unkind to you is what it means to truly love him.”  She felt herself cringe as
she thought of the reason Selly was in this predicament and why she was now
dead.  She folded the letter and placed it in the pocket of her skirt.  Then,
walking to the foot of the bed, she studied Selly once again.  In death, she
remained lovely, her eyelashes long. Her hair, though damp, was a vibrant shade
of brown.

The young servant
looked as if she were sleeping; the cover pulled up to her chin, yet traces of
blood had seeped through the top sheet.  For a moment, Caroline thought she
might retch, but the feeling passed as her eyes caught sight of the bundle
beside Selly’s covered, motionless feet. Out of curiosity, she lifted the sheet
and gasped when she noticed how small the baby was.  The miniature girl’s skin
was gray and covered with a whitish coating.  She lay on her side, curled up,
like a tiny porcelain doll long ago discarded.  Caroline caressed the baby’s
moist arm and was surprised to find it was warm.
Sleep well, little one
.

She glanced again
at Selly’s face, peaceful, yet beautiful in death.  Had she not been so pretty,
David would never have paid her any attention and she would never have found
herself in this situation.

There was a
knock, then Mother Superior opened the door. “Excuse me, Miss Martin.”

“Yes?” Caroline
responded.

“Do you need more
time?  The priest is here.”

“No.  I should be
going.” She straightened and turned toward the door.  She nodded to the priest,
who was dressed in a black cassock and carrying a small book and a crucifix.

She paused.  “How
much do I owe you, Mother?”

“Nothing, dear. 
We received a sizeable amount of money last week to cover her expenses.  It may
have been from the father of the baby.”

“I see.”

Mother Superior
nodded.  “Good day.”

Caroline reached
for her hat.  She turned and stared, one last time, at the dead servant girl,
the image now etched in her mind.  This girl, who was younger than Caroline,
was now gone.

*  *  *

Caroline stumbled
onto the street and began to walk without making a conscious effort to put one
foot in front of the other.  She passed the area where David’s carriage had
been parked but did not stop.

“Miss Martin,”
she heard from behind her.

She stopped and
turned around.  She could see him motioning for her to come to the carriage. 
He was parked on the side of the street, the horse tethered to a small tree. 

Caroline pressed
her back against a lamp post, allowing it to bear the weight of her body and
her heavy heart.  Within minutes, David stood before her.

“What happened?”

Caroline stared
straight ahead, her eyes unfocused.

He leaned close
to her face. “Miss Martin, is everything all right?”

She shook her
head, then looked into his eyes and said, “She’s dead.” 

He gasped.

“Along with your
baby daughter.”  She began to walk away, then felt his arm on her shoulder. 
She jerked away.  “Don’t touch me,” she said through her teeth, her back facing
him.

“I’ll take you
home.”

“I am not going
home with you.”

“Miss Martin?”

“Leave me alone.”

“Miss Martin,
please. . .”

She spun around
so quickly that David stepped back. “This...this is your fault.  You killed her
as sure as you put a gun to her head.  She died delivering your child!” Impulsively,
she began to beat his chest as he stood motionless.  “No, no, no,” she yelled,
then she began to sob.  He took hold of her gloveless hands and, studying them,
his eyes widened.  Soon, she could feel his arms begin to embrace her, but she
pushed away from him.

“Leave me alone.”

“Caroline,” he
whispered. “Come,” he pulled her to the buggy.

Neither spoke for
the duration of the ride. David pulled up to the end of the Martin house driveway.
“I know it will be dark soon, but it’s best for you to walk the rest of the
way, in case Ben or your uncle are home,” he said, his voice a soft monotone.

He stepped out of
the carriage to assist her.  He took hold of her middle and lifted her out. 
She cringed as he touched her.

She started
toward the house, then stopped as she heard the rustling of the parchment in
her skirt pocket.  Selly’s last words.  He ought to have the letter, to know
what a kind girl Selly was, to know that he was responsible for her death.

“Wait,” she
called.  David turned and walked toward her.  Caroline lifted out the letter
from her pocket. 

“You should have
this.”  She handed it to him, then turned and ran down the laneway.

Closer to the
house, she heard Patsie’s loud piercing voice, “Miss Caroline, ye be home!  I
jest can’t be believin’ ye be home so soon.  Why, Himself isn’t back yet.”

Caroline avoided
eye contact, her eyes filling with tears.

“Miss Caroline,
what in all that’s holy happened? Did ye get to the convent then?  Why sure an’
that Mr. David didn’t do naught to ye, did he?  I was scared he might be after
tryin’ some’n.”

Caroline finally
brought her gaze up and shook her head.

“Ah, Miss, what
is it that’s ailin’ ye, then?  Ye can tell ole Patsie ‘bout it now.”

“She’s dead. 
Selly is dead, and so is her baby.”

“Oh, no, Miss
Caroline, the poor colleen and the wee baby,” she said, and pulled her to a
close embrace.  Caroline laid her head on Patsie’s shoulder, and they both
began to weep in earnest.

Chapter 10

David, dressed in
his night shirt, leaned on the window sill and watched the sun turn the bottom
half of the sky into a deep array of red, orange and pink.  It was a
breathtaking summer sunset, the kind that he yearned for this time of year. 
Taking in the intense colors provided almost as much pleasure as bedding
women.  However, tonight he couldn’t fully enjoy the beauty of the vibrant
colors.