In My Head (13 page)

I finally have a positive focus for when Ben is working.

Kay is running around the house like a mad woman and Kody is standing up next to the coffee table banging a bunch of blocks together, making a ton of noise.

I’m puttering around the kitchen trying to make sure everything is cleaned up after preparing dinner and shoving it in the oven. When Kay starts making laps around the living room into the kitchen, I decide it’s time to go to the park and wear out some of her energy.

Loading everyone up into the car I back out of the driveway and drive in the direction of the best place ever created for frustrated parents.

Finding the first available parking spot, I pull in. Turning the car off, I get out and walk to the back door and open Kody’s side. And I’m met with Kay standing there with a giant smile on her face. Looks like someone figured out how to get out of her car seat. Wonderful.

“All right, pretty girl. Wait a second for me to get Kody out, then I’ll get you out and you can go play. Okay?”

“Okay, Mommy.” She’s bouncing while standing still. For the millionth time, I wish I had her energy.

I get Kody out of his seat and make sure I have a good hold of him, then grab Kay’s hand and help her jump down from the car. And before I can even shut the door and set the alarm, Kay is off heading towards the play sets. “Kody, I don’t think your sister likes us very much when we’re here. She would much rather abandon us to go play with the other kids her age.”

Just like I knew he wouldn’t he doesn’t answer me. Or acknowledge me at all. Oh the joys of being a parent that has a kid that doesn’t talk. Always makes us look like we’re carrying on a conversation with ourselves. I walk over to the same bench I always occupy when we come here. Today, I brought my Kindle with me so I have something to do while Kody crawls around right in front of me and plays with his toys.

I place him down on the ground right in front of the bench. I pull all the toys I have with me out of the diaper bag and set them down in front of him. He squeals with delight and dives for all of his favorite toys.

Reaching for my Kindle I settle back into the uncomfortable bench and open up
Persuading Him.
A sexy erotic novella by Michelle Dare. I read about half of the book while I’m sitting there. I glance up every twenty seconds it feels like, to match sure Kay is still out there playing and to check on Kody.

Every once in a while she would come screaming over to me to show me a bug or rock or something “super cool” that she found. This girl is nothing like her mama, I despise bugs. Kody starts getting fussy, so I grab his puffs out of the bag. I take the lid off and shake a few out into my hand and hold one out to his mouth, and a voice to my right completely about makes me lose my mind.

“Hey, there. I was wondering when I would see you again.” Like Bronson, she needs a bell when she’s coming towards me.

“Jesus Christ, Sophie. What the hell, man?” I’m slightly out of breath from being scared.

She laughs, and it floats around us like she truly doesn’t have a care in the world. “I’m sorry. I was wondering if I would hear from you. I thought I would hear from you before I ran into you.”

She came around the bench to sit on the empty spot. She takes the container of puffs from the bag and starts feeding Kody herself. I let my eyes roam around the park just to make sure no one is within hearing range. “I’ve thought about calling you, but I just don’t think this is something I can do.”

Her eyebrows reach her hairline after she hears me. “Seriously? I know you felt how I’ve felt. I know you have, I see the same look my eyes had in yours. I know you want to try it.” She lowers her voice to a whisper.

“Wow, talk about peer pressure.” I crush the few puffs I had left in my hand. Nerves getting the best of me so I feel the need to fidget.

“Well, you could start small and try pills out. Something that will give you a little thrill, give you a little taste to see what you’re missing.” She continues to hold her hand out to Kody, offering up the puffs allowing him to feed himself. He only gets about every third one into his mouth.

She looks so sad, sitting there feeding him. “I don’t think that I want to go down this road. I mean what am I really getting myself into? I’m not a druggie, nor do I want to be.”

“I’m not addicted to it. I don’t have withdrawals or sit there jonesing for it. I do it to help me forget,” Sophie says, while not looking at me.

“I know life gets tough, hell I know that better than others. I want to forget almost ninety percent of the time. But I don’t. I’m that one that dwells on everything, hanging onto it, and beating it into the ground.”

“Wouldn’t you for once just like to not feel all of that? To be carefree?” She doesn’t look up at me, she keeps her gaze on my baby.

“I would like to forget it, but what’s the side effects? If I do some pills, am I going to get addicted? Am I going to turn into one of those junkies willing to do anything to get their next fix? That isn’t what I want,” I tell her honestly. I can’t believe I’m sitting here in a park having this conversation with a girl I barely know.

“I know you don’t, I mean who really does want that?” She sits the bottle down on the bench between us, and sits Kody up to burp him. “Pills aren’t addictive, especially something with a low dose.”

“If I want something, it has to be something I can do in the morning, and it be gone and out of my system by dinner.”

“You could take a pill. I would stay away from meth or heroin. That stuff is messy.”

Yeah, sure. Only those two are messy. All righty then. “All right, get me whatever pill will make me forget.” Nodding, she hands Kody’s puffs back to me and pulls out her phone. Presumably to text her drug dealer. I don’t even want to know the name of what I’m getting.

If I don’t acknowledge it’s presence then it doesn’t exist, right?

“He’ll be here in just a second. I’m going to go over to our meeting spot now. I’ll be back.” Without a backwards glance, she speed walks away from us. Looking around the playground, I see Kay is digging in the sand with another little girl that looks to be around her age.

I’ll try it one time. If I don’t get anything out of it, I won’t do it ever again.

I’M ON MY WAY
to my parents’ house to drop the kids off. I’m heading to my biological father’s house today. As I pull into my parents’ driveway, it hits me that I was never upset with them for keeping it from me. I’m more upset from the rejection at not being wanted.

How could I be mad at people who were selfless enough to adopt a child that wasn’t biologically theirs in any way? They gave me a great life. I was in an accident in high school so they had to fill in a couple blanks from after I woke up, but it was nothing serious. I could never hold a grudge at people who gave up so much for me.

My mom is waiting on the porch for us as we pull in. I park the car right next to the front porch and leave it running as I get out to help my mom unload everything.

“I should just stock up on diapers and bottles here. So all you would have to bring is the kids. You know?” She comments as she tries to get Kody out of his carseat. I just stand there and laugh as she struggles. “These things were never that difficult when you were little.”

“I’m sure. I remember getting out of mine all the time by myself.”

“Yeah, you were quite the little escape artist. No matter where we tried to keep you still and in one spot you always got away.”

“Dad always told me stories when he would put me to bed at night about how much hell I raised.”

Kay goes running off to the backyard. My dad is probably out back tinkering in the garage. The man hoards stuff like crazy, keeping things he says he’s going to fix but never does.

“Well, you better get back on the road. You have, what did you say, like an hour worth of driving?”

I head back over to the driver side of my car. “Yeah, something like that.”

She nods as she rocks Kody back and forth to keep him happy. “Be careful. If you get too tired, please stop and take a break. And text me when you get there and when you leave to make sure you’re not dead.”

“Oh, stop. I’m picking up Michelle. She’s meeting me at Walmart a couple towns over. So she’ll assure that I don’t die. Don’t worry, Momma. I’ll be all right. No one will mess with my best friend,” I laugh as I tell her.

“Lord knows that’s right. Well, I would still like a text or phone call so I know what happens either way, okay?”

“All right, Mom.” I lean over and give her a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll let you know what he’s like and what happens. I won’t leave anything out.”

She smiles at me and turns to head back inside the house.

Now it’s on to a mini road trip with my bestie.

WE’VE BEEN ON
the road for ten minutes. Ten minutes is all it took for Michelle to be bored. She’s changed the radio station at least ten times, she’s complained that she should have gone to the bathroom before we left, and she has asked me numerous questions without letting me answer a single one of them.

Jesus, she is just about as exhausting as trying to take a road trip with two small children.

She goes to pick her phone up and plug it into the auxiliary port and I snap. “Michelle, I swear to god if you change the music one more time I’m dropping you off at the next rest stop and leaving you for the creepy truckers!”

Her head snaps in my direction and her eyes are wide. She opens her hand and lets her phone fall back into her lap. “What the hell, Lyla?”

“Girl, you are driving me nuts. I swear to god if you don’t chill I’m going to smack you!”

Michelle curls her lip at me. “I can’t help it I’m not a good road tripper.”

“We’ve been on the road a total of twenty minutes now. We have like twenty-five left to go since you didn’t meet me at my house! Don’t forget we have more time together, it’s best not to annoy the driver this soon.”

Glaring at me she sits back in her seat and faces forward. Trying her best to ignore me. And to sit as still as possible. This will be fun.

“What are you doing later tonight?” I’ll try to distract her, maybe if I can keep a conversation going with her it will alleviate my own nerves.

“I guess it all depends on what time we get back. I’ll probably have to crash at your house because I won’t want to drive that far back home.”

Nodding, I don’t take my eyes off the road. I know my exit is coming up soon and I don’t want to miss it. “That’s cool. I’ll text Ben and let him know. Hey, grab my phone and pull up Google Maps, please, and go to the last address. I don’t remember which exit I’m supposed to actually take.”

Michelle reaches for my phone and does what I tell her. I continue to look at every exit sign going as slow as I can on the highway. This is why I hate Columbus, everyone is all in a rush to get everywhere. So the out of towners get honked at when they’re trying to figure out where they’re going.

Idiots.

“Looks like in two exits you need to get off.” She sets my phone in the cup holder closest to me so I can see the map and hopefully hear the directions. I get quiet as I get off the highway. Following my turn by turn directions I end up in the ghetto.

Damn, it’s like the ghetto of the ghetto. When we’re told our destination is on the right, I pull to a stop on the side of the road. And I just sit there and stare at the house my biological father lives in. The windows are boarded up, but it looks like someone is still living there.

I risk a glance at Michelle, already knowing what I’m going to see on her face. “I guess this is it. Are you coming out with me?”

Giving me a skeptical look she whispers, “Do you think you’ll need me?”

“Don’t even. You offered to come with me, which means right up to the door and inside!” I whisper back.

Growling some obscenities under her breath, she starts to unbuckle. Shoving her phone into her purse, she hops out of the car. I do the same, and hesitantly walk around to the other side to stand next to my friend. I click the alarm on the car. I’m not messing around here.

Needing to just get this over with, I start towards the door. Not even waiting for Michelle to fall in step behind me. Because I know she will. Once at the dilapidated front door, I slowly reach my arm out to knock. Taking a step back, I strain my ears to see if I hear any movement on the other side.