In Love With Lucy (NSFW) (14 page)

Around 2 a.m. I curled up in my lonely bed and cried myself to sleep, just as confused and afraid as I had been when Chris told me he loved me. Still unsure of what I wanted for my future.

The next two days, I forced myself to get out of the house, taking my camera and going in search of things that inspired me. I needed to turn off my brain for a while and focus on finding beauty in unexpected places. A single bud on a naked tree branch. An oddly shaped pebble sitting in the middle of a small puddle.

After two days of wandering around different areas of Dallas, I took a bottle of wine and a glass into my bathroom and ran a hot bubble bath. I did my best thinking in the bathtub or the shower. When faced with a dilemma, I would take a long, hot soak and usually have it all sorted out by the time the water cooled.

So, I ran the bath, added bubbles, and poured myself a large glass of white wine. I slipped into the steaming water, leaning back against the wall of the tub and took a sip of my pinot grigio. I tried to approach the situation rationally.

First, I needed to figure out why I was so afraid. Chris told me he loved me. He hadn’t asked me to donate a kidney or shave my head, give away my worldly possessions, and join a cult. Why did I want to run and hide because he wanted more than a purely physical relationship?

As I drank my wine and lounged in the scented water, I tried to remain objective. It didn’t take long for me to realize that the only thing that truly frightened me was prying myself out of the rut I’d become stuck in. Over the last four years, my life had become predictable.

Now, Chris was asking me to climb out of the pit I’d been hunkered in for so long. It was frightening. But I had never been a coward and it shamed me to realize that I acted like one.

Once I came to the conclusion that I was, indeed, a scaredy cat, I needed to decide what I wanted to do about it. I poured myself another glass of wine because I had a feeling I would need it. Not because I needed the Dutch courage, but because I couldn’t believe how silly and stupid I’d been. After years of griping that I couldn’t meet available men, I had one in front of me the entire time.

Although beginning our relationship while I was still working for him wasn’t the best idea, if I walked away now, it would be an even larger mistake.

It made my stomach ache when I thought about talking to Chris tomorrow. I wondered if he decided I was more trouble than I was worth. I drained my glass at the thought.

The water had cooled considerably, so I climbed out of the tub, feeling a little unsteady. After I dried off and dressed in a camisole and undies, I grabbed the wine bottle and realized that I had drunk most of it. No wonder I felt lightheaded. I took my glass into the kitchen, drank the last two mouthfuls of wine, and ignored the imaginary sound of my mother’s voice telling me it was trashy to drink alcohol directly from the bottle.

I made sure my front door was locked, switched off all the lights, and went to bed. Though I didn’t think it was possible, I drifted off to sleep almost immediately and didn’t wake again until my alarm went off the next morning.

By lunchtime, I
was fuming. Chelsea knew something was off, but she was too much of a professional to bring it up while we were in the office. I knew that my ass was grass as soon as we went to lunch. She shot questioning looks toward me all morning, which I ignored. Chris was back to his cool, unapproachable self.

Only once did I see the mask slip. As I was checking email and getting ready to start the day a little before eight, Chris emerged from his office and stood by my desk, his hands in his pockets.

“How’s your head?” he asked quietly.

I glanced up at him, feeling my heart leap at the sight of his handsome face. “It’s fine. Thank you for taking care of me Friday.”

I wanted to say more, but before I could gather my courage, Chelsea bustled in, her strawberry blond curls slightly damp.

“Wow, it’s pouring out! Good morning, Mr. Barden, Lucy.”

Chris smiled slightly at her and tilted his head. “Morning.” Then he disappeared back into his office.

The rest of the morning, I walked Chelsea through what her duties would be when she took over my position. I answered her questions and tried to seem as upbeat as possible. She knew me too well.

Chris came into my office for papers or asked for information via the intercom several times that morning. Each time, he was cold and completely business-like, nothing like he had been when Chelsea came in for her interview.

Finally, it was a little after noon and I had never been more ready to escape the office. I stuck my head into Chris’ office.

“If you don’t need us for a bit, we’re going to go to lunch.”

He didn’t even glance up at me, merely nodded and grunted.

I didn’t say anything else. I went back into my office and gestured to Chelsea.

“I’m starving. Let’s go eat.”

We gathered our bags and left the office. As soon as we stepped into the elevator and the doors shut behind us, Chelsea turned to me.

“Okay, what in the hell is going on?” she asked bluntly.

I looked over at the two men standing behind us. Neither of them appeared to be listening, both intent on their smartphones.

“We sort of had a fight.”

Chelsea waited. When I didn’t continue, she sighed. “Well?”

“He, uh, told me he loved me,” I muttered.

“What?!” she shrieked.

I glanced over my shoulder and both men were staring at us as though they feared we would descend into hysteria at any moment.

“Sorry. She’s just a little overwhelmed,” I said to them.

They both nodded and went back to what they were doing.

Chelsea leaned forward and lowered her voice. “So, judging by his behavior today, I take it things didn’t go well after that.”

I shook my head. “Can we talk about this when we’re sitting with everyone else? I only want to go through it once.”

Chelsea saw how upset I was and nodded immediately. Even though she was nosy and bossy, she was a great friend.

“S
o, you basically
rejected him after he told you he loved you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you?”

This was from Chelsea, who was staring at me in disbelief after I finished my story. Yancy, Tanya, and Grier didn’t say a word. They only continued to stare in silence. I couldn’t maintain eye contact with any of them. I understood why they were speechless.

Hearing Chelsea put it that way, I sounded like a cold-hearted bitch. That wasn’t the way I intended it though. I never expected that Chris might feel something for me beyond the physical. I had been so surprised, so fearful, I hadn’t been able to respond.

I sighed. “I wasn’t expecting it. I was just so shocked.”

The girls all nodded. When Grier and Yancy started to ask questions, I clammed up.

“Can we talk about something else for a while? I feel sick enough about this and I still have to talk to Chris.”

For the rest of our lunch hour, I listened to the girls question Chelsea about the job and Yancy bitch about her new colleague.

“Seriously, the jackass calls me Nancy. I’ve corrected him twice in the last two days. I’ve even sent him freaking
emails
with my name printed at the bottom! I swear, if he calls me Nancy one more time, I’m going to use his tie to strangle him,” Yancy complained. “Oh, and he’s so damned smug that I want to throw my latte at him.”

I knew he must really be pissing her off because Yancy took her coffee very seriously.

Once lunch was over, I went back upstairs with Chelsea, filled with dread. Chris wasn’t in his office. I assumed he’d left to eat as well. I let Chelsea handle some emails and other paperwork while I brewed another pot of coffee. I knew Chris would want a cup after lunch. He usually needed some sort of pick-me-up.

I heard him return and his greeting to Chelsea was a lot less stiff than before. I hated that there was tension between us and it was my fault. I decided I needed to address this immediately.

After the last of the coffee dripped into the carafe, I poured a cup. Chelsea shook her head when she saw me heading into his office. I knew it was only a matter of time before she tried to replace the Bunn with a Keurig. We’d see if she got away with it.

The door to Chris’ office stood open. I carried the mug inside and shut the door behind me. He didn’t even look away from his laptop screen. This was going to be more difficult than I thought.

I set the cup on his desk. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

He didn’t look at me. “Sure.”

I sighed. “Chris, please look at me.”

I watched his fists clench before he swiveled around to face me. He put his elbows on the arms of his chair and steepled his fingers, staring at me over his hands.

“Talk.”

I reminded myself that I had done this, that it wasn’t fair for me to expect him to be willing to listen to me now after I had screwed up so badly.

I decided to go with an apology first. “I’m sorry about what happened Friday. I wasn’t, I mean, I didn’t…” This wasn’t going well. I laced my fingers together tightly. “Please don’t be angry with me, Chris. I wasn’t trying to insult you or reject you or act like a complete bitch.”

Finally, his face softened slightly. “So what happened?”

I went to the chair in front of his desk and sat down, never taking my eyes off of his. He was listening and he wasn’t shutting me out, that was good.

“This may come as a shock to you, but you’re very hard to read.” He smirked a little at my attempt at levity, so I continued. “And I had no idea you felt that way about me, so I’m sure you can understand how completely unexpected that was for me.”

Chris no longer looked so angry. In fact he stared at me with the same warm, affectionate expression he’d worn a lot over the last week.

I opened my mouth to tell him how much I cared about him and that I wanted the same things he did. Instead, the intercom buzzed loudly. Twice. Which was code for a major problem.

Chris looked irritated but answered the summons anyway. “Yes, Chelsea?”

“I’m sorry to interrupt, Mr. Barden, but BioSign Corp is on line one and they say it’s extremely urgent.”

I blinked. I wondered why they were calling. Chris encouraged them to report the embezzlement to the police and was working on a solid plan to get the company back on track. I watched silently as he picked up the phone.

“Barden.” He listened closely to whomever was on the other end of line. “I’ll be there first thing in the morning.”

I watched as he hung up.

He looked back up at me with shock in his eyes. “The person stealing from BioSign came forward. The CEO asked me to come tomorrow morning because he wants to discuss something very important with me.”

Needless to say, after Chris finished his phone call, our conversation was placed on the back burner. I spent the afternoon in my office with Chelsea, rearranging Chris’ schedule for the following day.

He left the office before five, stating he would pick me up at my apartment early the next morning. There was no mention of our previous conversation or when we might continue it. While he wasn’t aloof any longer, he still seemed different. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

I went home and spent the evening brooding. Around 10 p.m., I finally caved and texted Chris.

We didn’t get to finish talking.

He responded almost immediately.

I know. I’m sorry.

When can we?

There was a long pause. So long that I almost called him to be sure he’d gotten the text.

I want you to think about it for a while. Until your notice is up.

I stared at the screen in disbelief. Yesterday he was upset because I wasn’t willing to jump at his declaration of love. Now, he was telling me to take more time to think about it. I wanted to throttle him for the stress and regret I’d felt all weekend. I didn’t think so.

We’ll see.

Tomorrow, we would have that conversation, whether he liked it or not.