In Love with a Gentleman (22 page)

Ethan. It occurs to me like a bolt of lightning that I totally forgot to call him at midnight. I take my smartphone out of my pocket and stare at it. It’s already twelve thirty. What will he think of me? I look around. It’s too loud for an intimate conversation, even in my room.

I slip into my coat and hurry out onto the street. With trembling hands, I find Ethan’s number. While I’m waiting for him to pick up, I curse myself.
What is wrong with me? Why did I let Jens kiss me?
It’s probably because I miss Ethan so much
, I tell myself. I would have kissed anyone so I could pretend it was Ethan.

He doesn’t pick up. Maybe he’s at a New Year’s celebration and it’s too noisy for him to hear the phone ring. I send him a text. Up in the apartment, I push my way through the dancing couples, go into my room, and lock the door. I take off Sophia’s bed linens and put them on a chair, and then I spread my sleeping bag on the bed. The bed smells of a strange, heavy perfume—something exotic. I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling.

As I fall asleep, something occurs to me that makes me stop and think. Jens’s kiss wasn’t just good; it was wonderful. It wasn’t pushy or demanding. He made me feel like a queen, as if he were a humble knight currying my favor. I know it sounds corny, but that’s how it felt.

Chapter 11

Only a few days later, I’m headed back to Stansted Airport. School starts again on Monday. Half my time in England is already over; summer vacation starts in June.

My parents don’t want me to go. At the airport in Hannover, my father takes me by the collar of my winter coat and looks at me earnestly. “Lea, if you need to come home . . . if something happens that makes you want to leave . . . just tell me. I’ll come pick you up—with the car if I have to.”

“Oh, Papa,” I say. “What are you thinking? I’m fine. I’m excited to get back to England and Ethan. You two should just look out for yourselves!”

My mother hugs me mutely and wipes away a tear.
Menopause is making her very sentimental
, I think.

On the plane, I put my phone on airplane mode and play my game as if possessed. I’m on level 102, which wasn’t easy to get to; the game is pretty tricky. Ethan is picking me up at the airport, so when I land, my heart pounds with excitement and joy. I can hardly wait to get through baggage claim and see him. Of course, everything is especially slow, and my luggage is the very last one of a million bags to arrive on the conveyor belt.

Ethan towers over most people in arrivals, so I see him before he spots me. Oh, what a wonderful boyfriend I have! His brown eyes wander over the crowd, searching for me. He impatiently pushes his curls away from his forehead. I let my bags drop, rush forward, and throw my arms around him.

Ethan takes me by the shoulders, pushes me away a little, and looks at me reproachfully. “Are you falling into your old habits again, mosquito? A lady doesn’t pounce on a gentleman in public.”

I laugh. “And you’re the same old Ethan. You must admonish and educate me once again. Hooray! All is right with the world.”

But Ethan doesn’t laugh. He looks at me with irritation and says, “Come on, let’s go. The parking meter will expire soon.” He grabs my suitcase and marches off.

I trot next to him like an overeager puppy. Uh-oh. I’ve fallen out of favor again. How annoying. I’ve screwed up our beautiful reunion with my foolishness. I would never have guessed Ethan wouldn’t like my enthusiastic greeting.

“I’m sorry, Ethan,” I say sheepishly. “You’re right. It’s only because we were apart for so long. You just have to have a little patience with me. I’ll get used to everything again.”

He turns around and gives me one of his rare smiles. “All right, my little mosquito. We’ll straighten you out.” He takes my hand, and we walk side by side to the car. As soon as we’re inside, he leans over and kisses me forcefully and demandingly. I immediately feel like I’m melting away.

“So what are we going to do now?” I whisper.

“I’m taking you home, what else?” Ethan says.

I sink into my seat with disappointment. But Ethan laughs and says, “Just kidding, mosquito. I reserved a room at The Three Lions. You didn’t think you could escape from me that easily, did you?”

We fall into bed quickly and passionately. It’s beautiful, as usual. But after Ethan falls asleep, I’m wired. I take out my new phone and play my game. I turned off the ringtone, so when a text comes in, the phone vibrates:
I know I have no right to ask, but I would like to know whether you arrived safely in England.

Oh great. Now Jens is stalking me over the phone. Where did he get my number? I quickly type,
Agreed
, then,
Yes
, and hit “Send.”

Jens sends me a picture of a finger pointing at a sad face.

I send a thumbs-down icon.

Jens sends a question mark.

I send the most evil, annoyed-looking face on the emoji keyboard. That works—he doesn’t answer. Good.

I keep playing my game. The current level is pretty difficult. Only two more levels to go . . . I can do this . . . I think I’ve got it this time . . . Hurray! Ethan’s large hand suddenly covers the screen, and the game ends. That sucks. I was so close to conquering another level.

“It’s extremely unnerving when you play on the phone while I’m trying to sleep,” he says crossly.

“Sorry,” I say. “I was so excited I couldn’t sleep. I’ll turn down the display so you won’t notice.”

“What are you doing, anyway?”

“I’m playing a really fun game. I was just saving a little rabbit from a chocolate lake where he’d gotten stuck.”

Ethan moans. “Not only do I have to deal with students messing around with those things at school, now you’re doing it.”

“Ethan, I’m really good. Imagine, since Christmas I’m already on level 112!”

Apparently, Ethan is unimpressed. “Lea,” he says—I’ve come to realize he only calls me by my real name when he’s angry with me—“I really don’t give a flying fuck what you’re playing and what level you’re on. Turn the stupid thing off and go to sleep this instant!”

Grinding my teeth, I put the phone down. “Okay, Ethan. Sorry.”

He turns onto his side and looks at me, supporting his head with his elbow. “Tell me, Lea, are you ever going to grow up? Will I always have to deal with your childish whims?”

“No, you won’t have to,” I say. “Go back to sleep. I’ll be a good girl now. Good night.”

He dozes off again. My fingers itch to pick up the phone from the nightstand and continue to play, but I let it go. Perhaps I am overdoing it a little with the games. Besides, I don’t want to annoy Ethan. I love him too much to do that. Everything is as it should be. He is the strong, smart, and sensible one, and I’m his little mosquito. I feel safe.

We fall back into our old routine. On the weekends, Ethan and I meet up somewhere. During the week, we don’t have much time to see one another because we are busy preparing lessons or correcting homework. The school is satisfied with my work and allows me to lead class more often. I’m having fun and love the challenge. I’m especially proud of myself when I occasionally get feedback from my students that they enjoy my lessons.

Ethan laughs at me. He thinks I shouldn’t make anything of it. “The students are nice to you only because they know you’re just an assistant. There’s nothing at stake for them. What do you think would happen if you were their regular teacher? They’d probably make mincemeat out of you.”

That logic doesn’t make any sense to me, though. When I was a student, it was the reverse. The students harassed the substitute teachers, exactly because there was nothing at stake for them. When the students liked a substitute teacher who motivated them to finish their lessons on time, he was held in high esteem even among more experienced colleagues. But I’ve given up talking with Ethan about these things. It’s not important enough to fight over.

Inez, Catherine, and I continue to go to our class in Brantwood to prepare for the Cambridge certificate. We’ll be tested at the end of February. After our last lesson before the test, we sit down together rather wistfully at the pub where we’ve gone after every class. We still laugh about the first time we came here, when the owner didn’t want to serve me because he thought I was too young.

“Do you remember all the wise pronouncements we made?” Inez says after she takes a long drink of her beer. “Lea, you announced that you wanted to stay single for a long time, and that a dream man was impossible to find.”

“Ha,” I say. “That’s right. And now I found him, and he’s much more than I would have ever believed possible.”

Catherine looks at me thoughtfully. “I remember something that you said at the time, too, Lea.”

I wave her off dismissively. “Seems to me I was talking a lot of nonsense that evening.”

But Catherine continues, “It didn’t seem like nonsense to me then, and it doesn’t seem like nonsense now. I remember you said you could never be with a man who treated you like a child and didn’t respect you. Do you remember? I told you about Christian and how he treated me that way.”

“And has he changed over the last few months? Did your plan work?” Inez asks, interested. She tucks her long hair behind her ears and looks at Catherine eagerly.

Catherine sits up straight. Her big, beautiful eyes widen. “Oh, yes, very well indeed,” she says. “Christian is extremely impressed that I’m successfully making my own way in England. It’s incredible. Things have become so much better between us. He no longer looks down on me but instead treats me with respect and even admiration. That’s how I always imagined our relationship. It’s a partnership now.”

“It’s the same with Ethan and me,” I say with satisfaction.

“Really?” Catherine says dubiously.

“Of course!”

Catherine lowers her eyes and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t see it that way.”

For a moment, I think I didn’t hear her correctly. What is she talking about? I really like Catherine, but I’m starting to feel a bit annoyed. “Well, then, please explain it to me,” I say.

“Lea, I see how Ethan treats you when we’re at the pub or out together,” she says.

“Yes, he cherishes me. Ethan is a perfect gentleman.”

Catherine persists. “If Christian treated me like Ethan treats you, I would shoot him on the spot.”

What in the world is going on? What is the matter with her? Then it hits me. “Catherine, could it be that you’re a bit jealous? I really am starting to think you have a crush on him.”

“I
what
? That is ridiculous! Ethan is very handsome, and any woman would feel attracted to him of course, but . . .”

“But what?”

“But I have Christian. I love him and only him.” Catherine hesitates, as if she’s not sure she should say more. “Ethan is so condescending and disrespectful to you, I don’t understand how you put up with it.”

I wince as if she just slapped me in the face. “Have you gone crazy? Where do you come up with this stuff?”

Catherine leans forward and says, “I have eyes, Lea. When you two are together, you stare at him like a lost little puppy. You don’t even dare to open your mouth. When you do make a remark, he puts you down and acts as if you are too stupid to exist.”

I feel rage beginning to boil inside me. I have the urge to say something very nasty and bitter.

Inez puts a hand on my arm and says, “That would explain some things.”

I turn to her. “Oh, so now you want to add your two cents? Are you both conspiring against me?”

“No,” Inez says. “Of course not. Calm down, Lea, and just listen. You’re our friend. We don’t want to hurt you any more than you’d want to hurt us.”

I cross my arms, lean back, and hiss, “Well, then, let’s get it all out, Inez. What do you mean by ‘that would explain some things’?”

Inez puts her glass down and looks me right in the eye. “Maybe the way Ethan treats you is why you’ve changed so dramatically.”

“
I’ve
changed?” I snort in disbelief.

“Yes, you have,” Catherine says.

“In what way, pray tell?”

“Only six months ago, you were the personification of
joie de vivre
,” Inez says. “It just bubbled out of you. Your attitude was contagious—you infected everyone around you.”

Catherine nods. “And you were so strong and confident, I envied you and secretly wished to be more like you.”

“But I’m still the same,” I say rebelliously.

Catherine raises her eyebrows and gazes at me silently.

Inez clears her throat and says, “No, you’re not, Lea. You’ve become a quiet, passive gray mouse. You don’t tell jokes, and I get the feeling you try hard to suppress your emotions. Quite honestly, you don’t seem to be very happy.”

“I can explain that,” I say, “but you’re probably not really interested. You’ve already made up your mind.”

Catherine seems hurt. “Lea, don’t be that way with us. We mean well, really. Good friends should be able to tell each other the truth, right?”

Inez adds, “Sometimes, good friends
have
to tell the truth. Ethan is not good for you, Lea. It worries us.”

Catherine puts her hand on Inez’s arm. “You don’t have to put it so bluntly, Inez.”

I try to sort out my thoughts. I want to explain how I’ve changed to my “well-meaning” girlfriends. “On the contrary, Inez,” I say. “Ethan has been enormously good for me. He’s had only a positive influence on me. Before I met him, I was just a silly, naïve girl. I laughed about every stupid thing. Every person I met always told me that. I was a big pain in the ass.” I pause to take a big gulp of beer and continue. “Ethan set me straight and helped me act more sophisticated. He taught me how to behave elegantly and unpretentiously. And in the meantime, I’ve become very pleasant company for him. He says so himself. We are quite comfortable together.”

Catherine says gently, “
I
liked you better before. I never found you to be a pain in the ass.”

“Yes, Lea, I’m sure he feels comfortable with you, I can totally believe that,” Inez says. “That’s because he’s molded you into exactly what he wants you to be, and you let it happen.”

I slam my glass on the table. “I’ve had enough of this! I don’t need to listen to this nonsense. You two can sit here and talk trash about me for a while longer, but I’m leaving. Good night!” I shove my chair back, grab my bag, and storm out.

When I look over my shoulder, I see how baffled they look. But I’m the one who has every reason to be baffled. What is the matter with those two? How do they come up with such completely unfounded and absurd statements? My eyes burn. They have pushed me to the point of tears. I’m glad I left them when I did. I don’t want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Foaming with anger, I wait at the bus stop. They’re saying exactly the same bullshit my parents did over Christmas. They all have some nerve. Do they think the world revolves around them?

But something starts to gnaw at me. A horrible thought occurs to me: what if they’re right? The thought freezes me on the spot, and I rub my upper arms.
What if how you’ve changed for Ethan has been to your detriment
? a nasty, nagging voice says. Oh nonsense. That can’t be. If that were the case, other people would have said the same thing. And I’d feel out of sorts and unhappy, which I don’t. Although . . .

Inez’s and Catherine’s words make me think back to the time before I met Ethan. Is it really true that my former
joie de vivre
was childish naïveté?
Lea, you of all people know that is not the case. You know that you had very real reasons to be happy
, the voice tells me seriously. I shut up and decide to listen. The bus arrives, and I step in. Although it’s almost spring, it’s still dark already, and I can’t see out the window. Instead, I’m confronted with my own reflection. I stare at my large, unhappy eyes. My inner voice continues,
You know there’s some truth to what your parents and your friends are saying. See for yourself whether it’s true or not.