In All Deep Places (21 page)

“But you’re not in love with her?”

I coughed. “No, she’s a good friend, that’s it.”

Norah pulled her arm back to her chest and brought the tiny flowers close to her cheek. “I think she may be in love with you,
though.”

I looked away. I knew Patti was attracted to me. But I had never been able to figure out why. Nor did I know why I was not likewise attracted to her. Patti was as close to perfection as a person could get. But it surprised me that Norah picked up on
this.

“She deserves someone better than me,” I said.

Norah looked up at him. “What do you mean, better than you?”

“She deserves someone who will love her back.”

Norah nodded slowly. “Yes, she does.”

I shifted my weight, pulled my legs up and leaned forward. “It will be better for her when we go our separate ways, when I go
to college in Iowa City and she goes to college in Pennsylvania.
Then she can meet someone who will fall head over heels in love
with her.”

“Is that what you are hoping will happen to you?”

I swallowed. “Maybe.”

A few moments of stillness followed and I wished somehow
we could change the subject. Norah’s questions made me feel uneasy.

“I got a note from my mom and a package.” Norah finally said,
breaking the silence.

“Yeah?”

“Uh-huh. She didn’t say a whole lot in her note, but she had a friend get this necklace for me.” Norah reached behind her neck. Then she placed a silver pendant in her palm and then leaned forward to show it
to me. I leaned forward, too, to look at it.

“It’s a little sand dollar dipped in silver. They are all over the
beaches in Mexico,” Norah said. “If you break open a sand dollar
there are these little formations inside that look just like doves.
They are so beautiful. Like little white birds.”

I looked down at the pendant in Norah’s hand. My face
was very close to hers. I caught the fragrance of her hair. It re
minded me of vanilla.

“The thing is,” Norah said, “you have to break the sand dollar
to get them out. So even though you have the little white birds,
you don’t have the sand dollar anymore. It’s broken to bits. And
you can’t fix it.”

She looked up then and her face looked sad, like she had pockets full of little white birds and the ruins of sand dollars all around her to prove they were hers. “Sometimes it just feels like it’s never going
to come,” she whispered.

“What’s never going to come?” I asked.

She looked away for a second, like she was searching for the right word.

“The day when everything’s right. Everything,” she said, turning
her head back to face me.

When her flannel-gray eyes
met mine, I instinctively reached
out and touched her cheek with my hand. It began as a gesture of compassion, but when Norah leaned into my palm and I
felt the smoothness of her skin and the delicate shape of her jaw, a strange sensation crept over me. I felt a tug inside that compelled me to move toward her, as if the shared moments of our past had formed a magnet and that magnet had suddenly found the
very thing it was attracted to. I stroked the softness of her cheek with my thumb. Without forethought, I bent down and kissed
her, gently drawing her face toward mine. I’d never kissed anyone in that way before. Never on the lips, and never
in that way.
It was electrifying. And powerful. Something deep within me—though perhaps it was just simple desire—stirred. The force of it astonished
me. I broke away.

“I don’t know why I did that,” I whispered. I was glad the tree house was in semidarkness. I could feel embarrassment pulsing across my face.

But Norah didn’t seem to be wondering why I did it. Or maybe she was. I couldn’t tell.

“Norah, I’m sorry,” I began, but she reached out and placed a
finger on my lips to silence me.

I was about to say something anyway, when Kieran’s voice from across Nell’s garage roof broke the moment. “Norah, I can’t sleep. My tummy still hurts. Can you come back now?”

Norah removed her fingertips from my lips and brushed
them across my cheek.

“Coming, Kieran,” she said, but she was looking at me.

I sat in bewildered silence as Norah made her way back across a wide limb that would take her to the garage roof and then
her bedroom window. I saw her hands reach across to the branch above her to steady her body as she made her way across, and I could just make out the tiny lilies on her left wrist as she moved
away from me.

I sat in the tree house for a long time after she left wondering
what had just happened.

I
was torn between wanting to see Norah the next day
at school and not wanting to see her. I could still feel the
intriguing softness of her lips on my mouth. Throughout the day
I involuntarily relived the kiss, and each time, I felt my face grow warm. It wasn’t that I particularly wanted to recall the kiss, it just kept returning to the forefront of my mind and I had no idea how to send it away. When I saw Norah at lunch, I could tell that
her eyes sought me across the tables, but when she found me,
she stayed where she was with a group of other sophomores. She didn’t come over to me or wave to me. When our eyes
met from across the cafeteria, it almost felt like I had kissed her again. It so
distracted me that I had to look away.

That afternoon in study hall, I tried to study for my final
exam in physics but I found myself staring out the window more
than once, my thoughts far from the relationship of matter to antimatter. I was glad when the bell signaled the end of the school
day and I would not have to pretend around my friends that I
was not preoccupied with a myriad of confusing thoughts.

I had asked for the afternoon off at the paper to prepare not only for the physics final, but one in English literature and another in civics. I couldn’t wait to have my last finals behind me.

Next Friday I would graduate, and in August I would finally be
out on my own. With the gift money I knew I would be getting
for graduation, I would be buying my own car. I already had two thousand dollars of my own money saved. Another thousand would buy a fairly decent used vehicle. Between the finals, the upcoming graduation ceremony, car-shopping, and preparing for my move to
Iowa City, it was no wonder I had succumbed to what I now
realized was a longstanding desire to kiss Norah. It didn’t mean anything had changed for me. I was still moving to Iowa City in three months. And she was staying here. Nothing had really changed. That kiss had been just a spontaneous reaction to an emotionally charged moment. It wouldn’t happen again. Norah fascinated me, she always had. But I was not in love with Norah. And
I was leaving.

I rode my bike home, waving casually to Norah and Kieran
as they walked home together to further convince myself that the
kiss had been nothing more than a little experiment. Ethan wasn’t too far behind me on his own bicycle. I parked my bike in the
garage and went into the kitchen, dropping my book bag on one
of the kitchen table chairs as I grabbed a box of Cheez-Its. I
opened the fridge and reached in for a can of Pepsi. As I ate my snack, I could see through the adjoining dining room window
that Norah and Kieran were walking past my house. I saw Norah glance up at my bedroom window as she passed.

I took my book bag into the living room where Ethan was watching TV and I sat on the couch relaxing for nearly half an hour before pulling out my books to study. Then my
mom walked into the house with a box in her arms.

“Ethan, Luke, can you guys get those other two boxes out of my
car? I’m starting to clear out my classroom now instead of waiting ’til the last minute,” she said.

We left the living room and wordlessly went outside to the Buick. As we walked over to the open trunk, a compact car
slowed down in front of Nell’s house and then pulled up alongside
the curb. Nell was just coming out her front door to go to work. She stopped and looked at the car, too. She looked surprised, like she wasn’t expecting anybody to stop by.

I lifted one of the boxes out of the trunk and handed it to
my brother. As I did, the driver opened the car door and got out. It was a woman with shoulder length dark hair. She had on sunglasses. The woman closed her car door and started to walk up
Nell’s driveway.

“Who’s that?” Ethan whispered to me.

“Beats me,” I said, starting to grab the other box. I wasn’t watching what I was doing, though. I tipped it over, and a mass of books, papers, and magazines tumbled out onto the bottom of the trunk. Ethan turned to go into the house with the box he held. I had started to retrieve the spilled items when I saw that
the woman was removing her sunglasses.
It was Belinda.

Nell recognized her, too.

“What are
you
doing here?” Nell said to her, and her voice was laced with something other than the usual annoyance. Belinda
stopped.

“Nice to see you again, too, Nell,” Belinda said but then she took two more steps toward Nell. “Why do you
think
I’m here? I
came for my kids.”

My heart had begun to beat a little faster.
Norah and Kieran! Their mother was here! She had come for them. Just like Norah had said she would. Norah would be leaving, too, then. Before me. I didn’t know what to make of what I was feeling inside. Was I jealous Norah was getting away first? Was I
upset that she was leaving? And what must Nell be feeling? Nell,
who had made it clear she hadn’t asked to raise the kids that had
been handed to her?

I stole a glance at Nell, trying to gauge her reaction.

“You break outta jail?” Nell said coolly.

“I was released. Early. For good behavior,” Belinda said evenly, taking two more steps closer to Nell, Nell’s house, and the two kids
who were inside it.

“You got a lot of nerve just showing up like this,” Nell said,
narrowing her eyes
.
“What makes you think you can just waltz back into their lives like you were out shopping or something?”

“You got a lot of nerve asking, Nell. They’re
my
kids, remember?”

“Too bad you didn’t think about
your
kids when you were running around Mexico with drug dealers and murderers.” Nell spat
out the words.

“You don’t know what you are talking about, so I suggest you
quit showing off your ignorance and go tell my kids I’ve come for
them.”

“I know exactly what I’m talking about! You are an addict and a tramp. And you
abandoned
those
children!”

Belinda closed the distance, clearly angry. I knew it
wouldn’t be long before Norah and Kieran heard the shouting. I was already afraid for them, though I pretended to be merely repacking a box in his mother’s trunk, wondering if I had even been
noticed by the two women.

“Well, I can see who you got your information from! I suppose
your loser of a son told you all that!” Belinda yelled.

“You shut your mouth!” Nell shouted, cursing.

A second later Nell’s screen door opened. Norah, wide-eyed and hopeful, appeared in the doorframe. Kieran was right behind her. “Mom?” Norah said, and her voice sounded very young.

Belinda’s face relaxed. “Yeah, baby doll, it’s me!”
She held out her arms and Norah ran into them, with Kieran at
her heels. For a few seconds there was only the sound of joyful tears. Nell stood as still as a statue as Belinda, Norah, and Kieran
embraced each other.

“Look how big you’ve grown!” Belinda said, as she broke away. “You’re both so tall. And Norah, how beautiful you are! Such a
lady!”

“I knew you’d come back! I knew you’d come back!” Kieran
said, holding Belinda tight around the waist.

“Of course I came back,” she replied, holding his head against
her. “That’s what kept me from going crazy in prison. Knowing I had you two to come back for.”

“Mom,” Norah said, and it seemed to me she said it just for
the pleasure of saying the word aloud, because she said nothing else.

It seemed for a fraction of a moment that for once everything was as it should be at the house next door, but then Nell found her
voice and the moment crumbled.

“I have a court order that says I am responsible for these kids,”
Nell said, and Norah whipped her head around to look at Nell. I stared at Nell, too.

“What?” Belinda said.

“I said, I have a court order that says I am responsible for these kids,” Nell repeated, focusing her eyes
on Belinda only.

“Well, I don’t care if you have a piece of paper signed by the
Pope himself,” Belinda said. “They’re my kids, and I’m taking
them.”

“No, you’re not.”

Belinda moved forward a step, seeming to almost put Kieran protectively behind her as she did so.

“Yes. I am.”

“You try it and I’ll call the police,” Nell said.

“But Grandma—” Norah began, but Belinda cut her off.

“Fine. You go call the police,” Belinda yelled. “You think the police are going to side with you? You, of all people?”

“Get off my property!”

“I am taking my kids. Norah, Kieran, go get your things.”

“You kids do no such thing.”

I could see that Norah and Kieran were torn as to what to do.

Then Norah seemed to notice for the first time that I was there,
watching all of it. She only looked at me for a second.

“Norah, Kieran, go get your things,” Belinda commanded.

But Nell moved to block their way to the front door. “They will
not!” Nell yelled.

“What is the matter with you?” Belinda screamed. “I know you never wanted these kids with you! You think I don’t know what has
gone on here? You think Norah didn’t tell me how you’ve treated
them? Sending them away! Twice! You’ve made it clear to them
they’ve never been welcome here!”

I looked to Norah and saw she had closed her eyes in fear
and shame. She had not expected her mother to use her letters to
wound Nell.

Nell said nothing as she looked at Norah, wondering no doubt
what exactly Norah had written in those letters to her mother.

“You’ve never wanted these kids!” Belinda continued, enraged. “You’re only doing this now because you hate me! Well, you know
what? The feeling’s mutual, Nell.”

“You’re not taking my grandchildren,” was all Nell could say
in response. It almost seemed to me that she was on the verge of tears. I felt a twinge of compassion for her.

“Oh, yes I am!” Belinda countered. “And don’t go pretending they’re both yours. I know you know about Norah! There is no way I’m letting you spend another moment making her life miserable. She’s mine, and you know it! There’s not a drop of your stinking
Janvik blood in her, thank God!”

My mouth dropped open, and the box I had been unsuccessfully trying to fill fell over in the trunk. Norah wasn’t a Janvik. Darrel had not been her father. It explained everything. It explained why Nell and Darrel had always been so hard on her. Why Nell seemed to favor Kieran over her. Why Norah had honey-blonde hair and those mesmerizing gray eyes
while Darrel, Belinda, and Kieran were all brown-eyed brunettes. And yet no one had ever
told her.

I looked at Norah, and it seemed she was about to faint. Her
face was drained of color. Nell was not really her grandmother. Darrel was not her father. Her beloved Kieran was her half-brother. I wanted to run over to her, but I felt like my feet were nailed
to the cement.

Then it got worse.

“Then take her!” Nell screamed. “But you leave that boy! I
swear to God, I’ll call the police if you even try to take him!”

At that moment, I heard my front door open. I turned
and saw that my mother had come out to see what all the commo
tion was about.

“Get inside,” she mouthed to me, but I just turned back to the horrible drama taking place just a few feet away.

“Kids, just get in the car. There’s nothing inside
that
house that
you need!” Belinda said.

Norah was stricken dumb, unable to respond. Kieran was crying, clearly torn.

Nell, chest heaving, stood for a second longer. Then she turned
and stomped into the house.

“Is she really going to call the police?” Kieran whimpered.

“Who cares?” Belinda said. “I don’t care what she does. Come on. We’re leaving.”

Kieran took a few tentative steps with Belinda toward the car.
Belinda turned around. “Norah—come on, baby doll. Let’s go.”

But Norah seemed powerless to make her feet move. She looked
up at me. Her gray eyes were wide and void of strength.

“Norah, come on, honey, let’s
go!”
Belinda said again and she
turned and continued to walk toward her car with Kieran at her side.

Then Nell’s front door opened and she stepped out. She carried
something long and brown in her hands.

Darrel’s hunting rifle.

I felt my blood run cold.

“You’re not taking that boy,” Nell said, raising the rifle.

The next second was wrapped in chaos. From behind me, I heard my mother yell at me to get in the house, I heard
Belinda yell something, too. Norah also yelled something. And an
other voice yelled. “No!” It was my own.

“I said you’re not taking that boy!” Nell said, and this time she shouted it.

“Watch me!” Belinda yelled.

I turned to my mother. “Call the police!” I said, and then I turned around and took a step toward Norah.

“Luke!” my mother screamed.

Nell raised the barrel higher, cocking it with her trembling hands. Kieran yelled, “Grandma!”

“You’re not taking him,” Nell said, her voice shaking, tears
falling in a crazy pattern down her cheeks. The rifle was quivering
in her hands. She looked like a cornered animal. Like she had reached the end of all reason. She tried to steady the gun
in her hands. “You’re not taking him.” She leveled the barrel at Belinda.

For a second, I pictured Darrel in a parking lot on that icy night when he died. I pictured him waving the same rifle but making different threats. Different, yet the same.