Impossible Things (12 page)

It took Ishtaer a while to work out why she was annoyed by that. Eventually she realised how damn patronising it sounded.

The only one who didn’t patronise her or make some comment about her blindness was Sir Karnos, the old Healer who’d fixed her leg on Kael’s ship. He gripped her hand and said gruffly, ‘You’re looking very well, Ishtaer.’

‘I feel well,’ she replied stupidly, and he laughed a little before letting her go.

She followed the rest of the group back to their side of the room and listened to the names being called out.

‘Hirtia Daria Medicus.’ Oh yes, Ishtaer had worked with her on an exploded appendix. ‘Spurius Nautius Medicus.’ Nice lad, good with children, ashamed of his illegitimacy. ‘Meara Ciara ex Parvulus Medicus,’ who occasionally talked with Eirenn about the small province they both came from. ‘Rufia Quintia Medicus,’ a girl she didn’t really know. And on. And on.

Brutus lay down beside her, and she couldn’t blame him. Eirenn’s words whirled monotonously around her head.
Try not to yawn. Try not to yawn. Yawn. Yawn
.

‘Mallia Saria Ishtaer ex Saraneus Medicus Militis Aspicio prior Inservio.’

She blinked. That had almost sounded like …

The girl next to her nudged Ishtaer. ‘You deaf as well as blind?’ she hissed. ‘Get up there!’

‘But—’

‘I do believe she is unfamiliar with the use of her full name. Ishtaer, come forward,’ said Madam Julia, and Ishtaer did, dread sweeping over her. This was impossible. A mistake. She’d been here only a few months, there were people in the group who’d been there years, someone was doing this as a joke, maybe Marcus, his grandfather was in the room after all—

Someone draped a sash over her shoulder and settled it at the opposite hip. Something heavy weighed it down, a small pin with a design she couldn’t quite trace with her fingers.

‘Curtia Mercula Medicus …’

Beside her, Brutus licked her hand.

The boy had watched her go with an expression of fierce longing on his face. Mags had been absolutely right: Eirenn had a crush on Ishtaer. A big crush. Not that Kael could throw stones. He’d been bowled over by her too.

‘So it actually is a wolf.’

Eirenn glanced at him. ‘It’s not a wolf.’

‘Lad, I know wolves.’

‘Why would there be a wolf in the middle of an island city?’ The boy sighed. ‘It’s probably a runaway from the circus. She got a bit … upset about those boys pelting it with stones.’

‘Upset?’

Eirenn paused, and appeared to be choosing his words carefully. ‘She’s never said what happened to her before she came here. But the way she reacts … the look on her face when she found that dog … I’ve never seen her so angry.’

Because she was once that dog
. He could see the same thought in Eirenn’s eyes. ‘I’ve heard rumours of her fighting off a dozen large, big lads, all by herself, unarmed.’

‘More like five,’ Eirenn conceded, ‘and she had a knife. And me. But yeah. Apart from that it’s almost exactly as I told you. Might have invented a fire-breathing dragon or two.’

‘On your side, or theirs?’

‘Ah well, depends who you listen to.’

Kael smiled. It was impossible not to like Eirenn.

‘How is her fighting coming along?’

Eirenn shrugged awkwardly. ‘Technically she’s quite competent, but she lacks … I don’t know …’

‘Courage?’

‘Maybe. It’s like she’s going through the motions ’cos she’s been told to, not actually fighting because she wants to, or because she’s trying to defend herself. And gods’ shield she should actually attack anyone. Until she went after that dog I thought she was physically incapable of it.’

Kael frowned, but before he thought of a reply the Emperor’s braid-encrusted major domo bellowed the announcement of the newly graduated Medicus Chosen, and Kael clapped dutifully, wondering how far down the list the Seers would be, because he wasn’t staying any longer than he had to. Even Krull the Swiving Warlord wouldn’t leave before his protégée had been through her presentations.

Then he saw Eirenn’s jaw drop, heard the murmured astonishment ripple through the room, and looked up for the second time to see Ishtaer standing at the top of the stairs, with her wolf, looking shell-shocked.

She was wearing a blue sash.

Eirenn started applauding, but Kael could only stare. She’d graduated? She was a fully qualified Healer? After less than four months? He’d heard of such things, but only occasionally, and usually with someone who’d been teaching themselves long before they came to the Academy. Kael himself had passed out of the Academy at sixteen, which was pretty damn young, but he’d been there over four years by that point.

Dammit. He couldn’t be jealous of Ishtaer.

He clapped a bit, feeling as stunned as Ishtaer looked. Her dog began barking at all the noise, and her cheeks flushed bright red. She scampered away as soon as they let her, tripping down the stairs and landing in an undignified heap on the ground.

People started laughing.

Kael strode over, grabbed her by the arm and hauled her to her feet. Brutus growled.

‘What,’ he asked the assembled company icily, ‘is so funny?’

The laughter stopped.

‘You okay?’ he asked Ishtaer, who nodded, her face even redder, and tugged her dog closer. ‘Well then. Congratulations.’

‘Congratulations? I just made a fool of myself in front of all the Chosen in the city.’

Yes, she had. And if Lord Krull’s protégée did something embarrassing, it embarrassed Lord Krull too. He stamped down his anger and said, ‘I meant about graduating. That’s a phenomenal achievement.’

She shrugged awkwardly, and Kael realised he was still holding her arm. He let go, and she shook herself as if trying to rid her skin of the memory of him. That made him even more annoyed.

He looked down at her, standing as if she was trying to make herself smaller, fiddling with the caduceus pin on her sash, and he looked at the curve of her lip as she worried it between her teeth.

If Eirenn had fallen down those stairs he’d have made a joke about it. If Kael had done it he’d – well, he’d never have done it, but if he
had
, he’d have glared at everyone until they shut up.

Ishtaer looked like she wanted to crawl in on herself. He had never seen anyone who was so ill-at-ease with her own body before.
You’re a Warrior,
he wanted to say to her.
Damn well act like one
.

Instead he took Brutus’s lead from her hand and held it out to Eirenn. The boy had followed in his wake the second he’d moved towards Ishtaer.

‘Take this,’ he said. ‘Ishtaer and I are going to dance.’

If anything, she looked even more mortified. ‘I don’t know how to dance,’ she whispered.

‘If you can move your feet, you can dance,’ he told her. ‘Just hold on to me.’

He fairly dragged her to the dance floor, angry with her for a lot of things he couldn’t quite work out. For being a coward, certainly. For graduating so ridiculously early. Yes, all right, he was jealous. Probably everyone in the room was. And yes, he was angry because he was so attracted to her, which was hellishly shallow of him and he knew it. He was angry with himself for being angry with her, which in turn just made him angrier.

So angry, in fact, that the plan he’d been close to dismissing suddenly seemed a lot more feasible.

He pulled her close against his body and moved in time to the music. Ishtaer was rigid in his arms, her fingers tight in his hand and on his shoulder. She was lean, not skinny but strong. She should have felt good against him. She felt terrified.

‘It’s very unusual to graduate so early,’ he told her.

She nodded. ‘Madam Julia says she’s never approved someone so soon.’

‘Did she say why she made the exception for you?’

Her fingers flexed, and for a moment she said nothing. Then, ‘The girl who made my dress. Malika. She was hit by a cart at Midwinter and suffered massive internal damage. Madam Julia and I healed her. But she’d also broken several bones in one hand. Madam Julia told me to splint them because we were too busy to heal something that would heal itself, but Malika told me if she couldn’t work for several months then she’d starve. So I stayed up all night to heal her.’

Kael digested this. Eirenn hadn’t told him she’d gone against Madam Julia’s wishes. Maybe her cowardice was just in the training ring.

‘You could have gone into crystal-debt,’ he said, tightening his fingers on hers. He’d heard of it happening with young, hot-headed Chosen, high on the super strength and power their crystals lent them. They’d push too far, further than their bodies could take, but the crystals wouldn’t relent. Eventually the Chosen collapsed from exhaustion. The mildest cases took weeks to recover from. Many went into comas. Many never came out of them.

‘That’s what Madam Julia told me. She was angry at the time, but I was all right. She was also pleased with a couple of medicines I created.’ She faltered a bit, then added in a determined tone, ‘I’ve always been good with herbs.’

She’d said that before, Kael thought, but he couldn’t remember where or when.

‘So I’ve seen. We should celebrate, Ishtaer. Don’t you think?’

‘I—I suppose so.’

‘Suppose?’ Anger rose back up again. ‘You’ve just graduated as a Healer! You might still have to work on your Warrior and Seer qualifications, but you’re a Citizen now, in your own right. World’s your oyster. You can do what you want. Time to celebrate.’

‘How?’

He had his hand on her back, cupping her shoulder blade the way he’d been taught all those years ago in Sir Flavius’s damned etiquette classes. His finger stretched to the bare skin exposed by the back of her gown, and stroked her.

‘Oh, I’m sure we can think of something,’ he whispered in her ear.

Ishtaer stumbled.

‘You’re looking very beautiful tonight, Ishtaer. Have I told you that? Not many women could cope with hair as short as yours, but it highlights your pretty face.’

His hand left her back and stroked her cheek, her jaw. Lingered on the fullness of her mouth.

Ishtaer went even more rigid.

‘And this dress. Your seamstress should be complimented. It clings in all the right places.’ His hand slipped over her neck, her shoulder, the curve of her breast. ‘To all your curves. Last time I met you, you didn’t even have curves.’

She’d stopped moving entirely now, standing there before him completely still. Had he thought she looked like a statue before? She was barely even breathing now. The skin around her mouth had gone white.

Come on. React.

Kael pressed the whole of his body against hers. She was trembling. His hand slid down over her waist, her hip, cupped her firm backside and pulled her against his groin.

‘You and me, Ishtaer. We could just skip out of here, find an empty room somewhere. Emperor’s got lots of rooms. Lots of big, soft beds. Let me peel this admittedly fetching frock off you and celebrate the best way I know how.’

Her hand on his shoulder was like a vice. Kael lowered his head and murmured in her ear.

‘Hot. Sweaty. Naked. You and me.’

She shuddered. Maybe, Kael thought, she was actually considering it. Well, this was just a plan that couldn’t backfire!

‘Let me be your first, Ishtaer. I’d make it good for you. Very, very good.’

‘No,’ she whispered.

‘No? Oh, I would. Believe me, sweetheart, with me it’s always good.’

‘I will never be with you,’ Ishtaer said.

He drew back a little, looked at her face. She was completely white. Her eyes blazed blue fire.

‘Why not?’ he asked, and suddenly her hand wasn’t in his any more, but on his face, finger and thumb pressed hard against his left brow and cheekbone. He stared in astonishment at the same place on her face, where her delicate Seer’s mark feathered around her eye, and then—

—something lashed against my back, agonising, slamming into broken, bleeding skin, and I was trapped in that basement kitchen, Cook beating me with a belt, screaming about filthy foreign tattoos—

—I huddled in the cold and the dark, and a boy tussled with me, trying to get under my skirt, and I lashed out with strength I didn’t know I had, and grabbed his knife and then his blood was spraying over my face—

—I only want to see, the captain said, so I gave him my crystal necklace but he wouldn’t give it back, making me leap for it, and then the first mate grabbed me and tore my shirt and they saw the bindings on my breasts and shouted
she’s a girl
, and the bindings were torn away and I was exposed to their grabbing hands, and my breeches ripped off, and they held me down, and the captain laughed and grabbed at me and shoved himself inside me—

—the rope cut into my wrists as I tried to get free, but they were relentless, one after the other, every man on board, the captain more than anyone else, over and over until I bled and sobbed and they pushed me into fighting back, laughing and congratulating themselves on how clever they’d been to tie down and rape a fifteen-year-old girl—

—the rain lashed down on me as the pirates attacked, and I flew across the deck after the captain as he was thrown overboard with my necklace, my mother’s necklace in his pocket, and the pirate king laughed like a god as he whirled in a storm of slaughter until the deck ran red with blood, never stopping me as I leapt into the cold dark sea—

—the cruel hands of the slavers, leg irons biting into my skin, and the kind eyes of the Eastern woman who taught me to heal myself with herbs, the lizard gaze of the slave buyer, the phrase I’ll always regret—

—I’m good with herbs—

—the brand on my arm, branded like cattle, ‘you belong to me now’, the cold flags of the floor as Samara pushed me down, little witch, you’re a liar, you can’t do magic—

—the clawing pain in my belly, the hands grabbing me, always the guards, the courtiers, bringing the little witch down a peg or two, the crack of bone, the last time I fought back, the smash of my skull against the floor—

—darkness—

—the hands, the cold, the filthy invading bodies, the laughter, the hunger, the pain, the red silk dress, the devil promising he’d make it good for me—