Impossible Dreams (42 page)

What if she’d gone back to Stephen?

Oh shit. Oh hell and shit and damn them all there and back
again.

Wanting to shout his agony and confusion from the rooftop,
Axell bit back his moan as he heard the pitter-patter of bare feet in the hall.

Constance. How the hell would he explain it all to
Constance?

***

“He looks like hell warmed over. You’re crazy to
do this to him.” Cleo collapsed in the dilapidated wooden chair Maya had
retrieved from some junkyard. It now adorned the upstairs room of the school
where Maya had taken up residence. Cleo glanced around at the sheets draped
over stripped wallpaper and broken plaster and wrinkled her nose. “This
place looks worse than that apartment Mama rented.”

“I don’t remember that,” Maya answered
absently, feeding Alexa a spoonful of milky cereal. She didn’t want to be
told Axell looked terrible. She wanted to hear that he was going on happily
without her. He hadn’t let Constance return to school.

“Leaving him was stupid,” Cleo admonished.
“All you had to do was refuse to sign the papers if you didn’t want
to sell. He would never have thrown you out for that.”

“Remember that family we stayed with in L.A.? The ones
with the lovely pink-frilled bedroom?”

Cleo glowered. “Yeah, the ones that had a holy cow
when you painted purple roses on the walls. So what?”

Maya glanced at her in disapproval. “What do you mean,
so what? They threw us out, didn’t they? I tried to make the room
prettier to show them how much I loved them, and they threw us out. Is it so
hard to make the comparison?”

Cleo stared at her sister in disbelief. “Is that what
this is all about? You left so he couldn’t throw you out? Are you
crazy
?
That man’s blind-deaf in love with you. He worships the ground you walk
on. He’s a damned Don Quixote who would have walked in a burning building
for you. And you threw him away so he couldn’t do it to you first? I
can’t believe we had the same parents!”

“You don’t understand anything.” Maya
wiped Alexa’s chin. She’d thought of all people, Cleo would
understand. Selene was barely speaking to her for leaving Axell, but he
hadn’t even called. That was proof enough in her mind.

She’d finally pushed him too far and he was relieved
that she’d left without forcing him into a fight. Now he only had
Constance to protect, and he didn’t need to worry about arsonists and
drug dealers. She knew how his mind worked. He wanted to keep everything in his
world in neat little compartments where he could take care of them. The school
didn’t fit, so he wanted to get rid of it. She understood that. She
simply couldn’t live with it.

“I understand this blamed building is sitting on a
multi-million-dollar piece of property and that someone tried to burn it down
and will probably try again.” Cleo bit into the cold piece of toast Maya
had left uneaten beside her cup of tea. “Axell isn’t stupid.
You’re the jackass here.”

Maybe she was. For the first time in her life, she’d
chosen to take a stand, and maybe it was the wrong one. Heaven only knew, she
had doubts enough to build a mountain. She’d always had doubts.
She’d never had enough confidence in herself to finish anything except
college. She supposed it was ironic that Axell had been the one to feed her the
confidence she needed to fight for what she wanted. If she backed down now, she
might never be able to stand up to anyone ever again.

“The concept of this school is more important than
anyone’s hurt feelings,” she said quietly, trying to convince
herself as well as Cleo. “If I fail, then no one will ever try again. I
can’t fail. Look at how much Matty has changed over these last few
months.”

She concentrated on her known accomplishments. “He
wouldn’t even smile when I first got here. Now he bounces up and down
with eagerness. He’s marvelous with animals, and tells the younger kids
wonderful stories.
That’s
what I want to do here.”

Cleo ripped off another mouthful of bread and chewed it
jerkily before replying. “He’s still lousy at reading and writing.
He’s got the books memorized, but he doesn’t know the words.”

“He’s only five. His motor skills aren’t
as strong as others at that age. But don’t you see?” Maya pleaded,
looking up at her sister. “He shouldn’t be judged on his
undeveloped skills. Maybe he’ll never be great at reading and writing.
The world’s full of people who can do those things just fine. But how
many people can nurture animals and tell stories and make children laugh? It
takes all
kinds
. That’s what I want people to understand.”

Cleo looked uncertain. “You’re dreaming. You
can’t raise kids to tell stories instead of reading and writing.
That’s ridiculous.”

Maya patiently wiped Alexa’s face again. “You
need to have him tested to see if he has any learning disabilities, or if
he’s just immature in that area, but don’t you see? If I
hadn’t given him confidence in his ability to take care of the animals,
he wouldn’t have had the confidence to learn as much as he has. He used
to throw his pencils against the wall rather than try to write his ABC’s.”

“Shit, now you’ll have me believing this
garbage.” Cleo stood up. “I’ve got to get back to the store.
I still think you’re crazy about not selling this place.”

She probably was. Maya watched her sister go, then picked up
Alexa to give her the rest of her bottle. Alexa breathed a gassy grin, and
Maya’s heart twisted. She wanted Axell to see his daughter’s first
smile. She wanted him to see her crawl and walk and hear her say her first
words.

Tears sprang to her eyes, and she tried to concentrate on
the principles that had brought them to this impasse.

Axell had pushed her away as deliberately as every foster
parent who’d given up on her. He’d known what he was doing when he
told the mayor he was willing to talk about selling. Maybe she’d demanded
too much, invaded his space, and made him uncomfortable.

Except— Maya knew better. She couldn’t lie to
herself.

Axell loved her, and he was proving it by shoving her away
because he was afraid of losing those he loved. And because she loved him, she
was obediently swimming downstream.

She wanted to laugh hysterically at the mismatch
they’d made of their lives.

Instead, she lay a sleeping Alexa into her cradle, cleaned
out her teacups, and looked for their box.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill
them.

Axell rolled out of bed the minute he was conscious of birds
singing. He didn’t want to lie here remembering the mornings he’d
woke with Maya in his arms, because then he’d start remembering her
seductive chuckles and playful fingers and his already unassuaged arousal would
reach painful proportions. A cold shower helped prepare him for another empty
day of approving invoices and listening to idle chatter.

Why had he ever thought the damned restaurant so important?
He’d spent the better part of his life appearing there every day like
some automaton, but it ran like clockwork even if he disappeared for hours at a
time. Once he got rid of this little problem with the mayor, he wouldn’t
need to worry over losing his license. He could take Constance to the beach. He
couldn’t remember the last time he’d taken her to the ocean.

He was beginning to think like Maya.

Groaning, he scrubbed his hair, dried off, dressed, and
staggered into the kitchen. Sandra wasn’t up yet. Constance was preparing
her own breakfast. She gave him a haunted look, then drifted into the family
room to watch cartoons. Sandra’s idea of taking care of Constance was an
electronic baby-sitter.

Remembering his daughter giggling and decorating pancakes
with blueberries under Maya’s instructions, Axell gulped down a glass of
milk and called it breakfast. Maybe tomorrow he’d go to the grocery and
buy some pancake mix and blueberries and Constance could show him how to fix
clown faces in the batter.

Maybe tomorrow the sun would orbit the earth.

He refused to wallow in self-pity. He could do this. It was
simpler this way, without women in his life. He’d never learned to deal
with them anyway. He could reach out to Constance without Maya’s
intervention. He could quit spending eighteen-hour days at the restaurant. He
wouldn’t swear he’d learn to cook or plant colorful flowers around
the yard, but he could find a hobby of some sort to fill the empty hours.

He glanced out at the maple he’d had planted to shade
Maya’s garden. A cardinal sang “pretty-pretty” from one of
the branches. The pink and purple impatiens beneath the canopy of leaves needed
watering. The great gaping vacancy of his insides whistled hollow as if a cold
wind swept through.

He had to be the biggest jerk of all time. He couldn’t
force Maya to sell her dream. She was living out there in that slum with Alexa,
as unprotected as before their marriage. What the hell had he thought
he’d accomplished? He’d succeeded only in placing them in worse
danger.

Selling the school was the sensible thing to do. The old
house needed too much expensive work, the shopping center would destroy the
rural atmosphere, the mayor would leave them all alone if they agreed to a
right of way for the road, and whoever was behind all these disasters would
presumably go away and leave them safe. The sale would create considerable cash
flow to aid Cleo and her shop and give Maya a chance to open a new, more modern
facility elsewhere. Keeping the school where it stood was stupid.

Keeping the school was Maya’s dream. She’d never
owned a home of her own, never had something that was completely hers.
He’d installed her in a house his late wife had built and expected her to
be happy. She had been. Axell could swear Maya had been happy here. Maya could
be happy in a cardboard box. That didn’t mean she didn’t dream of a
place of her own.

Damn.

Axell wandered into the family room to check on Constance.
“I’m going in to the office. Give me a hug?” He didn’t
want to sound plaintive, but it sure had that ring.

Constance glanced at him, then huddled her shoulders so she
looked like a possum playing dead. “Can I go to school for just a little
while?”

Well, if he sounded plaintive, she sounded just plain
pitiful. He’d have to get used to it. This was for her own good.
“It’s not safe, honey. We’ll find you a new school.”

“Is Maya not safe?”

His daughter was too quick for her own good. Axell massaged
his forehead and sought an easy answer. There was none. “Maya’s a
grown-up. She can take of herself.”

He heard his own words with amazement. Maya could take care
of herself. He didn’t have to do it for her. He’d known that. It
just hadn’t sunk in. If she wanted to risk life and limb fighting for a
falling-down building, that was her responsibility. Not his. He could offer to
lend a hand or stand in her way or keep his nose out entirely, but it was her
fight.

She had thought they’d approached marriage as equals.
He had thought he was taking on more responsibilities. He should have felt
relief when she left. Instead, he felt as if the weight of the entire world had
fallen on his shoulders. He hadn’t realized how much of his burden Maya
had cheerfully carried.

He didn’t like to admit he was wrong. He was never
wrong. That’s how he’d gotten where he was today.

Alone.

Shit.

Axell bent over and kissed his daughter’s hair, then
ruffled it. “I’ll see what I can do, honey. We’ll get Maya
back.”

She beamed in relief and happiness. At least someone needed
his help.

With that one little grain of confidence to carry him
forward, Axell aimed for the garage. He just didn’t know where he was
going yet.

***

September, 1981

My lawyers have lost track of her. I’m frantic.
She’s left her husband and disappeared with the babies. How will she
live? How can she take care of them?

Damn you and your temper, Helen. You’ve passed on the worst
of both of us. And the best.

I’ll find her, Helen. I’m a tainted old man now,
too tired to fight. You’re gone, Dolly’s dying, our daughter
doesn’t know I exist, and nothing seems worth the effort anymore. But
I’ll spend every ill-earned dollar to find them.

***

At the crossroad, Axell glanced to his left, in the
direction of the school, then back to the right, in the direction of town. He
wanted to see Maya. He wanted to set things straight with her.

He couldn’t set things straight until he’d
straightened out a few things in town first. Acting against the strong urge to
turn left, he steered the Rover toward Wadeville.

The first thing he saw when he hit town was a huge black
Cadillac in front of Cleo’s shop.

Swearing violently, he screeched the Rover into a U-turn,
slammed to a halt in a loading zone past the Curiosity Shoppe, and jerked the
key from the ignition. The first thing he would straighten out was Maya’s
damned sister. He was in just the right mood for flinging her up against a
wall, and smacking some sense into her.

A tall bald-headed black man in an expensive pin-striped
suit loomed over the counter, pushing his face into Cleo’s. As usual,
Cleo wasn’t giving any ground, but Axell thought he saw fear flicker
across her face.

Not in any humor for diplomacy, Axell jerked the front door
wide open and held it. “OUT!” he shouted. “Get your ass off
my property before I throw you out!”

The black man turned his head and gave him a glassy stare.
“You, and how many others?” he asked coldly.

All that unleashed testosterone slam-dunked straight into
Axell’s bloodstream.

Releasing the door, Axell grabbed the heavy metal
kaleidoscope off its tripod. “Out,” he repeated with more calm than
earlier.

Cleo emitted an “eep” of dismay, whether for the
kaleidoscope’s fate or his, he couldn’t ascertain. The black man
sniggered and reached for his inside pocket-one of two moves Axell had
anticipated. He hadn’t been All State quarterback because he was dumb, or
slow.