Impossible (36 page)

She left the gallery at seven, and stayed close to the phone in her apartment. He called her several times that night. The news was a little better in the morning, after another sleepless night for all of them, Sasha as well as Liam. He said Beth was tense, but decent to him. He said she was half out of her mind. They had to cancel the wedding, which was in three weeks. They were putting it off till January, till they knew how Charlotte was. Everyone's life was suddenly upside down, and Charlotte's still hung in the balance. She was nowhere near out of the woods yet.

The days droned on interminably, and by the end of a week, they knew she wouldn't be quadriplegic, but they still weren't sure about her legs. It all depended on how her spinal cord repaired. There was a distinct possibility that she would walk again, but nothing was certain, and if she did, it would take months or even years to get her on her feet again, and she had several surgeries ahead of her. Sasha hated to ask, but was relieved to hear they had good insurance, otherwise it would have been a financial catastrophe for them as well. It was going to take years and cost a fortune to put the little girl back together, and she had a lot of hard times ahead of her, as did Beth, who would be taking care of her. Liam sounded guilty when he talked about it on the phone. But someone had to take care of Charlotte, and he couldn't be there. He lived in London, and would be with Sasha in Paris. He was worried about missing Christmas with her, but that was the least of their concerns. Listening to him, Sasha decided to spend it in New York. If there was any chance he could get away even for a day to spend Christmas with her, it would be a lot easier to get to her there than in Paris, where she had planned to spend it. And they could manage fine at the gallery in Paris without her, they always did, thanks to Bernard.

She called Xavier and told him what had happened, and he felt terrible for Liam, as she did. Xavier knew Charlotte, he had met her many times before Beth left. It broke his heart to think of her paralyzed, and hoped it wouldn't happen. He told his mother to give his best to Liam, and said he'd go to church to pray for his little girl. Sasha had lit a candle for her only that morning, and had gone to mass to pray for her, which wasn't something she did often.

Xavier offered to come to New York to spend Christmas with her, but it was obvious he wanted to stay in London with his new girlfriend, and she had invited him to go skiing with her, so Sasha let him off the hook. There was no question he'd have more fun there. He said he really appreciated it, and promised to spend it with her next year. Hopefully, by then Tatianna and Liam would be with them. But there was too much going on to worry about Christmas this year.

The bulletins from Liam continued for the next two weeks, and they were within days of Christmas by then. Christmas had ceased to exist for all of them at the hospital as they worried about Charlotte, and waited for the prognosis, which was better, but never completely reassuring. It was a relentless strain for all of them. Liam was so tired he was beginning to get testy with her, and he called less often, because he was sitting with Charlotte for eight-hour shifts, to relieve Beth a little. After that, sometimes he fell asleep on the cot in the hallway, before he had time to call. Sasha understood the pressure he was under, or tried to. She was worn out hearing about it from the distance, she could only imagine what it was like for all of them, sitting in the trauma unit day and night, supporting the little girl. Liam said she was in a lot of pain, which agonized him to see. It was a nightmare for all of them. Her heart ached for him every time she talked to Liam. He kept promising to come to New York to see her as soon as he could. She couldn't even imagine when that would be, and never asked. She wanted to lighten his burdens for him, not add to them.

Two days before Christmas, the doctors gave Charlotte and her family the best gift of all. They told them that it would take a long, long time, but she would walk again. Maybe with a halting gait, or a limp, or with braces, but she would walk. Her spinal cord had escaped total destruction, although she would not come out of it totally unscathed. It was going to be a long haul, but it was a better fate for her than they'd all feared. She was going to be in the hospital for at least three months, maybe longer, but they thought she'd make a good recovery in the end, and she wouldn't be mentally impaired. She'd have to be brave to get through her surgeries, but they were optimistic. They took her off the critical list the same day. When Liam called to tell her, he was in tears. And Sasha cried with him. It was still enormously upsetting, but a tremendous relief. It could have been so much worse, and for weeks, had looked as though it would be.

“I want to come down and see you,” he said, sounding exhausted.

“Why don't I drive up? I don't want you to drive in the state you're in.”

“I'm fine,” he said, which didn't sound like an accurate assessment to her. He had been in a state of total exhaustion and near collapse for more than two weeks. She hated to think of him being on the road. But he insisted he wanted to come down the next day, to spend Christmas Eve with her, and then he said he'd have to go back. He was still taking turns doing shifts with Beth and Becky, which sounded awkward to her. But in the crisis, they had no other choice. There was one of them with her at all times, and the grandparents were helping as best they could, and Beth's fiancé. Charlotte had an army of loving supporters, and Sasha and Xavier's prayers. She had mentioned it to Tatianna, too, who was horrified and said to tell Liam how sorry she was. Sasha relayed the message, and he said he was touched and to thank her. Tatianna was spoiled and difficult, but she had a decent heart.

Sasha worried about Liam all the way down on his drive south from Vermont. She called him every hour, and he sounded alert and fine. He had made a point of getting some sleep the night before. She could hardly wait to see him, and was grateful that he was coming to spend the holiday with her, in spite of everything that had happened.

She had put up a tree while he was gone, and decorated it for him. She had a few things under it for him: a funny shirt, a new baseball cap, an art book that had been her father's, and a Cartier watch. She was waiting for him anxiously when he got in at six that night. He had made good time, since for once the roads were clear.

The moment Sasha saw him, she burst into tears. He looked so worn and anguished, and as she held him, he sobbed in her arms. He felt as though he had been drowning for the past two weeks. He had never been through such terrifying emotions in his life. He no longer looked like a boy to her, he had turned into a man, older than his years, overnight. He looked like he'd aged ten years in the past weeks. It pained her just to see him, and there was such strain and sorrow in his eyes. He tried to describe to her what it was like. Just hearing about it made her stomach turn over. It was just awful. But at least now Charlotte was better, and there was hope for her future.

“How's Beth holding up?” Sasha was even worried about her.

“She's been amazing. She never leaves the hospital. George has been staying with friends. And Tom's been taking shifts with us.” The whole family had banded together, even Becky, whom Liam didn't mention much. He still felt awkward about her, and probably always would. Sasha wasn't worried about her, it had been a foolish one-night stand, for which he had paid a tremendous price. Sasha was glad that he had been able to be at the hospital with Charlotte. It was one of those things that a child would never forget, nor would he, or even Sasha.

She cooked a wonderful Christmas dinner for him, ran a bath for him, and then tucked him into bed. He lay looking at her quietly for a long time, and held her hand. He was so exhausted he said very little. He never took his eyes off her, and at midnight they exchanged presents. She brought his to him in bed, and then he got up and went to the guest room to get hers. She was dumbstruck when she saw the diamond bracelet he'd bought her, and put it on her wrist.

“It's so beautiful. You spoiled me.” She kissed him, so grateful to be there with him. And he loved all her gifts, especially the watch, and the book that had been her father's.

He lay in bed, looking at the ceiling, when she came to bed. He made no move to make love to her, nor did she. After all he'd been through, she thought it would be in bad taste. He looked utterly worn out. Sex was the last thing on his mind, and hers. They just wanted to be together, and lay there quietly holding hands.

It was nearly one o'clock in the morning, when he rolled over and looked at her. He had been too tired to go to midnight mass, and she hadn't even suggested it. She was sure God would understand.

“You look so tired, sweetheart. Why don't you go to sleep?” She wanted to cradle him like a child. He needed it so badly, and there was more to come. He was going back to the front lines in the morning. This was his only night of respite, and he had driven nearly seven hours to get there.

“I don't want to sleep. I just want to be with you tonight, and soak up every minute.” It was going to have to last him a long time.

“I'm here. You need the sleep. You'll be too tired to drive tomorrow.” He wanted to be with the children for Christmas by nightfall, or sooner if he could. He was leaving at seven in the morning. All they had left were six hours. “When things calm down a little, I'll drive up to see you.” It was still too early to intrude on them, but Liam seemed to have no idea how long he'd be there. Sasha was patiently waiting.

“I have to talk to you, Sash,” he said, leaning on one elbow.

“What about?” For a strange moment, she wondered if he was going to propose to her, but it seemed an odd time. Emotions had been running high. She smiled at him, and looked up at him from her pillow. She was so glad he was there, and so was he. But even away from the horror of the hospital, he looked sad. He had been through too much fear and seen too much pain to shake it off with ease. This was going to take a long time for all of them to get over, not just Charlotte. The whole family had been traumatized by her accident.

“I don't even know where to begin,” he said, and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, Sasha was looking straight at him. This sounded important, and she was paying close attention. “Charlotte is going to need an incredible amount of care, nursing, rehabilitation, therapy of all kinds. She's going to be in the hospital for months, and then we can do some of the rehab at home because she's so young, or she may have to stay at a center. They have one in Burlington.” She understood then what he was worried about. There wasn't even the faintest doubt in her mind. She would do anything she could to help him, and had wanted to tell him sooner but didn't want to intrude or pry.

“The answer is yes,” she said simply, as she leaned over and kissed him, and Liam looked surprised.

“Yes to what?” She had thrown him off balance. It was hard enough to say as it was.

“Yes, if you need an advance. An accident like this must cost a fortune. I'll do anything to help. The gallery will, and so will I.” Tears came to his eyes.

“I love you. You don't have to do that.”

“I want to.” It was as simple as that.

“We're okay. Our insurance is terrific. Thank God Beth has always been a maniac about insurance. God knows, I wasn't. I always thought it was stupid to pay the premiums we did. Thank God we did. We need it now. I think Beth's parents will do the rest. They've saved a lot of money over the years. And Beth's fiancé wants to help. I don't think he should. He feels responsible for what happened. We'll sort all that out later. We haven't even seen a bill yet. But thank you for the offer.”

“Okay, then what's the question?” Sasha asked, smiling at him, and he took a deep breath.

“There is no question, Sasha. I wanted to tell you something, not ask you for anything. That's why I came down here. To tell you.” There were tears brimming in his eyes.

“Tell me what?”

He closed his eyes for a minute, and then opened them and exhaled the words. He felt like an ax murderer saying them to her. But he had no other choice. “I'm going back to Beth.” Sasha stared at him for a long minute as though she didn't understand.

“I'm going back to Beth.” He repeated the words, and she looked as though she'd been shot, as she suddenly sat up in bed.

“As in, to Vermont tomorrow, right?” She couldn't breathe and was clutching at straws. He shook his head.

“As in, to our marriage. She can't do this alone. It's going to be months or years getting Charlotte back on her feet, literally, and she may never totally get there. We just don't know yet.” He was sitting up now too. “I've never been there for Beth before. I have to do this now. She wants me back, God knows why. I think she's crazy. I was a lousy husband to her for twenty years. I was too busy playing wacky artist and painting to be of any real help to her. But now I have to do this. I can't leave her alone with this, Sash. I just can't. She broke her engagement as soon as this happened. She said she could never forgive him. She asked me to come back.” He sat there looking at Sasha with tears streaming down his cheeks. He loved her. But he also loved his wife. And she needed him, more than she ever had. The very decency that made him who he was, and made Sasha love him, was what was making him leave her now.

“That's not a reason to go back into a marriage. Stay up there for six months if you have to. A year, if that's what it takes. But you don't go back into a marriage just to nurse a sick child. What happens when she gets better? You've got your marriage and Beth for the rest of your life.”

“I didn't leave her, Sasha,” he reminded her. “She left me, and I deserved it. I would never have left her or the kids.”

“Oh my God. I can't believe this.” They had just gotten back together, and he was in bed with her. But he hadn't laid a hand on her all night. He had just come to be with her one last time, and tell her in person that he was leaving her, this time for good. “I don't think your mind is clear enough to make this decision right now. Either of you.” She was fighting for her life. But looking at his face, she knew she had already lost. There was no winning this time. It was over. It really was impossible, but for entirely different reasons. And she had no weapons to fight for him. Beth had twenty years of marriage on her side, and three children, one of them critically sick. Sasha didn't have a chance. “Can't you wait to make this decision, till you're all a little saner and have had some sleep?”