Imposition (21 page)

Therse just stared back at him. “You're not in love with me,"

Gen seemed surprised. “Then would you please explain what the hell's going on in here?” He pointed at his head. “Cause I sure as fuck can't figure it out."

Therse turned away from him, running his fingers up into his hair. “Oh no. No, this isn't happening. No, no, no,” he muttered.

"Then tell me I'm wrong. I'm a little confused right now and I don't really know what to think.” But Therse didn't answer his question. Didn't persuade him otherwise. “Therse?” Gen reached for his shoulder.

Therse span around to face him. “Why now? Why are you thinking this shit now?"

"I don't know, fuck I've never loved anybody else, I don't know how it's supposed to feel —"

Therse yanked Gen in and brought their faces close, almost kissing him. He was close, so close and so warm —

"What do you want?” Therse asked, eyes closed. “Right now, what do you want?"

"Right now?"

"Right now."

Gen swallowed. “I...I want to kiss you; I want to hold you,"

But Therse broke away. “We can't do this, I can't,"

"Why not?” Gen asked as Therse stalked across the room, not responding. “Would you fucking tell me what's going through that empty head of yours?"

"There's no point!” he shouted. “I'm going to Command, you're going to Carbera, it's unlikely we'll ever even see each other again. It'll just wreck everything, and you're not even sure about how you feel!"

"Who cares about a ‘point', Therse,"

"Trust me, it's just easier if we drop this and forget it ever came up, okay?"

"What if I don't want to drop it? What if that's the last thing I want?"

"No, I can't,"

"Why? Is it that you're not attracted to me?"

"That's not it at all."

"Hey, if that's so, hit me with it; I can take it,"

"Would you shut up? I am...very attracted to you.” Therse was having a hard time following what the hell they were talking about. Where was this even coming from? What in fuck was Gen saying?

"Then why won't you consider this? You'll screw some guy we've known for five minutes, but this isn't worth a try?"

"Well, excuse me if this is just a little
fucking difficult
to process all of a fucking sudden,” he said, glaring over at Gen. This was ridiculous. He was ridiculous. Gen was standing right there, offering him everything he wanted, confessing feelings he'd been too cowardly to express himself, and even though every fiber of his body was telling him to march over there and grab Gen up with both hands, he still couldn't do it. He still just couldn't let himself free.

They'd been friends too long. There was too much to lose. This was happening too sudden to understand what was going on properly. All the excuses in the world came piling forth. “Look, it's just too complicated,"

"You're going to have to do better than that."

"Because of what happened on Yemis, all right?” he yelled, pacing.

"What are you talking about? What about what happened on Yemis?"

He needed time. Time and distance to figure this out. Gen was in love with him? He couldn't possibly be. And even if he thought he was, it was only because he didn't know. “I didn't tell you everything that happened. I fucked up. I overstepped the line."

"What
line?
"

"Shit...shit...” He couldn't even look at Gen. “The line where you don't take advantage of an unconscious person in your care! I...” he trailed off.

"You, ‘what'? What does that mean?"

Time to lay it all out. Gen would hate him maybe,
should
hate him, but at least that was a reaction Therse could predict. “I kissed you. You went into shock. Your heart stopped and I had to resuscitate you. I was so relieved that I..."

"You kissed me?"

"Just on the lips, just long enough to...” Gen was just staring back at him, bemused. “Fuck,"

"So? Look, it's not that big of a deal, you saved my life and I owe you everything.” That was the first time Gen had ever thanked him for what happened. “I don't even care."

All that guilt he'd carried for so long. All that self-loathing and turmoil couldn't be for nothing. Therse felt a rage boiling up inside him. “Don't tell me it was okay to cross that line, because it wasn't, Gen; it's never okay to cross that line without permission."

"Why the hell are you beating yourself up about it?"

"Because I deserve it!” It hadn't given him the release he'd thought it would. He'd confessed, told Gen everything he'd been holding back, but still he felt something inside that closed him up.

This was all so sudden. He was so desperate, so alone, but no one could ever be allowed to see it. He had to keep Gen at bay. There was still so much anger, so much hate. He was a broken man fixed together with rotten pieces of wood and rusted nails, and Gen would just tear him down altogether. He'd known it all along. That fear was the real reason he'd never confessed his feelings.

"You're not listening! I'm standing here, telling you it's all right, that I don't give a damn —"

"It's not that simple. You can't make it all okay just like that —"

"God-fucking-dammit! You're such a fucking stubborn ass I can't stand you!” Gen shouted, close to him again.

"As if you've any need to fucking talk, you're the bane of my fucking life! You ruined everything for me and I still feel like this?"

"I ruined everything for you?"

"Do you have any idea what that's like? Still wake up every morning with you in my head, still get that light feeling whenever I see you, still can't fucking get over you and knowing,
knowing
that it doesn't matter how I feel only for you to suddenly turn around and start saying all this shit?"

Everything in his life had been so perfectly organized, his emotions so tidy and orderly and compartmentalized. Gen was his nemesis; the straight love of his life. Unattainable. He could yearn safely and never have to feel afraid of letting anyone in, because the only person who could get to the core of him would be someone who would never want to.

"Well, how would you know if it mattered or not, you never asked! And do you think you're the only one who's suffered? I would have been fine if it hadn't been for you. It would have been straight-forward, plain sailing. Do you know how many women I had to go through just to get you out of my mind? And you're still there, you're still all I fucking think about. Doesn't matter what I fucking do!"

But thinking Gen was unattainable had been his undoing. All this time. All this time and he'd been too blind to see it, hadn't allowed himself to see what was right in front of him. They were both idiots, but he was by far the bigger. “Well, what, you think you can just turn around one day and tell me you think you're in love with me, even though you have no fucking clue what that feels like, and expect me to jump into bed with you so we can see for sure?"

"Yes!"

"Then why the hell are you just standing there —"

And in less than a moment Gen had crossed the space between them, that distance Therse had known could never be closed, had convinced himself would always be there to keep them apart. In less than a moment Gen's lips were at his, pushed soft and warm and tight against his as Gen's hands held his cheeks and pulled him in like this was the last kiss he'd ever have.

It was rough and awkward and utterly real.

Kissing him. Gen was kissing him.

"Stop,” Therse whispered, lips moving against Gen's as he spoke, gripping him by the wrists. Gen kissed him again, unsure this time. Therse's hands went to Gen's shoulders, holding him away.

What he'd wanted for so long was right there within arm's reach, he just had to take it. So why couldn't he? Something still just didn't feel right; he knew he wanted this, but Gen? He had to stop it, had to reinforce the dam before the waters breached it. Things could still be salvaged if he was careful.

Therse couldn't look up, couldn't make eye contact for fear the look on Gen's face might break him. “Look, you're just drunk, and aroused, and confused,” he said steadily, controlling the waver in his voice. “This has nothing to do with me. You have no idea what you're doing."

He felt Gen stiffen and straighten under his palms. “Don't patronize me. I'm still drunk, but I'm not confused anymore. Everything is crystal clear for a change."

"You're not making any sense.” Therse ran his fingers into his hair and turned away. This couldn't possibly be happening. He couldn't allow himself to give in to it, couldn't let Gen unlock him even in the slightest. He had no idea what might come tumbling out, and the thought terrified him. He needed to put an end to this nonsense before it began. “None of this makes any sense."

But Gen persisted. The same stubborn bastard he always had been. “I'm making perfect sense, and you know it. You've seen me inebriated, so you know I'm together. For the first fucking time in my life I
know
what I want.” Therse looked back at him: straight, and honest, and beautiful as he took the breath his next words would ride on. “I want you, Therse,"

That couldn't possibly be true. Therse knew Gen. “You're lying,” he said bitterly. “This is just one of your sick, twisted little jokes, isn't it?"

Gen reacted as though he'd been stabbed. “What are you talking about?"

He knew what Gen was. No one changed so easily. “Like pissing in that guy's hair sculpt. Like leaving that cadet out naked in the freezing cold night and refusing to open the door until he begs you with tears streaming down his face."

Gen was uncomfortable, desperate. “I've done some things I'm not proud of, okay? I used to be a jerk, I was a shit to you and I know that. But this is different —"

Therse's hand bunched suddenly in the front of Gen's shirt and his expression darkened. “Then what the fuck do you want with
me
? I'm just the beaten son of a drunk and a whore, remember?” he spat, tears stinging his eyes. That was who Gen really was. The man who'd hit him, ridiculed him. He'd fooled them both into believing he was a good man, but that was what lay at his core and Therse hated himself for falling for him. The one time in his life Therse had actually felt good about something, Gen had been right there to remind him he was worthless. “What kind of man uses something like that as a cheap shot? And you think you're
in love with me
? That's fucking laughable."

"I'm not the man I used to be, you idiot.” Gen replied angrily, gesticulating, then gripped Therse's shoulders with both hands. “You're still not listening to me. This is just you doing whatever it takes to wall me out because you're so afraid of actually getting what you want —” Gen stopped and looked down at the hand clenched so angrily in his shirt.

When he met Therse's eyes again it was with a resigned sadness and profound regret Therse had never seen in him before. “I'm sorry I said those things...and even if you don't believe me, I never meant them.” Gen swallowed. He spoke with a slow, honest calm and a sad smile. “You don't know what it's like to be mediocre. Someone like you, as talented as you are...all of that...it was the only way I could get you to even look at me. Your acknowledgment was all I ever wanted. I'm so sick of being a child about it, Therse..."

Therse set his jaw and shook his head, biting back a flood of emotion. He was defeated. The dam breached, his defenses overcome, washed away until all that remained was the frightened, vulnerable little boy around which everything had been built. He was out in the open now, feeling the warm sun fully on his skin. “From the first time I saw you,” he whispered, “I couldn't see anyone else.” He released Gen's shirt, smoothing the fabric out slowly over his chest. “Couldn't see anyone else."

Gen's hot palm went gingerly, awkwardly to Therse's jaw, fingers tickling the hairline at the back of his neck. Gen's thumb brushed his cheek. Therse could feel Gen's breath, warm over his lips, and stopped breathing with anticipation. Gen kissed him, soft and incredible. He gave in to it, pushing back into the kiss, hands rising uncertainly to Gen's sides, feeling the heat of him through his thin shirt. Gen tilted his head to deepen the kiss and Therse unraveled altogether, fingers sifting into Gen's hair as Gen's tongue flickered so uncertainly over his own, warm and wet.

Gen tasted of wine, sweet and bitter all at once.

Maybe Gen would undo him. Maybe Gen would open him up and break him all over again. But maybe he wouldn't. Perhaps Gen would make him feel loved for the first time in his life, and that was worth the risk. No more running. Therse was so very tired of running.

He could feel Gen's hands on him, riding up his back to his shoulders. It was a good kiss. A better-than-good kiss. Tender and full, firm as they kissed harder, deeper. For some imagined moments the reality will never surpass the fantasy, but for this moment, which Therse had thought of often, reality eclipsed anything his mind could have offered. Gen shifted slightly, and Therse blushed hard at the feel of Gen's erection on his hip. He gripped Gen by the material around his waist and pulled him backwards towards the low sofa.

They tipped back onto it, Gen kneeling between Therse's legs, trembling slightly as he moved in. The kiss was becoming easier, less inhibited as their arousal increased. Gen's hands were starting to wander, moving over Therse's chest, working down. Their erections pressed together, rubbing discretely through their fatigues with each slight shift in position.

Everything was so wonderfully simple now. Therse was letting Gen set the pace, letting him take the lead as they slipped further and further from friends towards lovers, without hesitation.

Gen's hand found its way beneath his shirt, warm skin against his, movements hesitant and deliciously unsure as though this was his first time. Therse lost himself a little and performed a trick with his tongue that made Gen press his groin down and grunt open-mouthed. Therse was shaking himself from the tension of it. He wanted Gen naked against him, wanted the feel of Gen's hot, hard cock against his own.

From there, things moved faster. Gen's hands were more certain on his body, exploring his chest, touching his nipples as though by accident, but continually returning there. Therse threw his legs around Gen's hips and ground up against him, watching his face carefully. Gen groaned and arched his back, pressing down as Therse pushed up.