Imperfect Love (37 page)

“Charles here.”

“Dad? It’s me.” She sniffed into the phone. “Romy is not well… she’s not going to make it.” She started to cry all over again. “Dr. Edwards just told me. We need to say goodb…” She choked on the word, and couldn’t speak to her father anymore. Her sobs were uncontrollable.

She heard Dr. Edwards speaking to her father. When she’d broken down, he taken the phone from her.

Holly sagged against the wall and slid to the ground until her backside connected with the floor.

She felt Dr. Edwards’ arms around her shoulders again; the call must have come to an end. She finally succumbed to the immanent tragedy on the verge of unfolding. She wept for her little girl. For the baby she was going to have to let go. And the wonderful man at her side, Dr. Edwards, cried along with her, too.

“…miracles do happen. But, there are times when they don’t. Where the latter is concerned, one has to be strong enough to let go.”

Those had been the exact words he’d uttered to her the first time she’d seen her babies. She knew she needed to be strong now, but it was a damn near impossible task, an almost fucking impossible one.

One of the nurses who’d helped her throughout the past week took Dr. Edwards’ place as he excused himself. She sat down next to Holly and wrapping her arms around her body, cried right along with her, too.

Holly allowed her to be the comfort she so desperately needed. Along with her pain and sorrow, rage began to fester. She hated Jake Peters now more than ever, and hoped to never see or hear from him again as long as she lived.

She had been so fucking stupid for almost having called him earlier. He was a coward, pure scum of the earth for ever even thinking she would be as hollow and shallow as to contemplate abortion.

Mara had been right; he wasn’t ready to be a father, and as far as Holly was concerned, he wasn’t fit to be a human being, either.

It was inevitable that the day would come when he would find out what happened. She just hoped she wouldn’t be around anymore, because he deserved every ounce of unhappiness when he met the woman who would introduce herself as his daughter. And then, he’d be dealt a further blow when she explained to him what had happened to her twin.

That day would come, of that she had no doubt. As was often said, what goes around comes around. She wondered if he’d be mature enough to embrace the pain she was feeling right that second, in that very moment.

Holly cleared her mind and pulled herself together.

“No mother should have to go through this. I can’t imagine what it must feel like. What you’re going through.”

“Do you have children?”

The nurse nodded.

Holly squeezed her hand. “Just love them with everything you have, because we never know what fate has in store for us.”

“Oh, I do. Believe me, I do.” The nurse helped Holly up.

Just then, the elevator opened and her father walked out.

Holly ran into his arms.

Charles embraced her tightly. He didn’t shed a tear, but it was clear from his red-rimmed eyes that he’d cried his heart out. He took a deep breath and walked with Holly back into NICU.

Dr. Edwards was waiting for them by Romalia’s incubator, trying just as hard not to cry again.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

Holly shook her head. “I’ll never be ready. But I don’t want her to suffer anymore.”

Dr. Edwards opened the incubator, removed the tubes from her nose, and from her tiny body. She’d looked like a robot baby for nine days. When he was done, he picked Romy up and gently placed her in Holly’s arms.

Holly kissed her forehead and the tip of her nose before settling into a chair.

Charles crouched beside her, and kissed Romy’s head softly.

Holly struggled to keep the tears at bay, but she tried, nevertheless. Love was the only thing she could think about if she was to convey to Romy how much she meant not only to her mother, but to everyone whose heart she’d crept into.

Romalia’s attempts at breathing escalated as she struggled to take in air. And it was at that precise moment that something monumental entered Holly’s head. Romy had shared the same confined space with her sister, all curled up, for five and a half months. That was exactly the manner in which she should leave this world.

“Dr. Edwards?” Holly called.

He’d been standing to one side, respecting Holly’s time with her baby.

“Can I put her with Jamie? I think it’s the way she should leave… it would be the right way. Would that be okay? With all of you?”

She looked at her parents.

Charles nodded while looking at the floor.

Jane kissed her on the temple, and then bent to place the softest kiss on Romy’s head. “I think that’s a beautiful idea. Very grown up.” She smiled at Holly.

By way of answering Holly’s question, Dr. Edwards opened Jamie’s incubator.

Holly stood up and carefully took the two steps she needed to reach the incubator. Whispering words of love only meant for Romy, she settled her precious bundle down next to her sister.

Dr. Edwards fastened the lid and stepped back.

Jane and Charles, with Holly between them, looked at the fragile little bodies lying against one another.

Romy suddenly shied away, as if she wanted to hide behind Jamie.

Holly knew that that was exactly what she was doing, because that was why she hadn’t known about Romy until she had been ready to show herself.

The end ultimately came about ten minutes thereafter; little Romalia left the world.

Holly jumped up and ran out of the NICU. She just couldn’t be strong anymore and she hated, hated,
hated
every single member of the Peters’ family. Sadly, even little Ben, because he would grow up exactly like the rest of his siblings.

As far as she was concerned, they’d killed Romy by not giving her what she’d so desperately needed to keep her babies inside of her longer.

Holly found the nearest empty room and once inside, a rage the likes of which she’d never felt before overpowered her. Chairs flew against the wall, one after the other, she kicked a cabinet and attacked anything she could get her hands on. This went on until her father wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight; both crying uncontrollably.

At one point, Holly screamed as if she was being burned alive, trying to get rid of the emptiness within her. It was the most torturous scream Charles had ever heard. She would never, as long as there was breath in her body, ever forgive the Peters’ for what they had done.

Never.

ROMY WAS GONE. HOLLY HAD THE DEATH         certificate to prove it.

She’d decided on cremation and would keep her ashes in the tiniest, teddy bear vase her father had gotten her. Such was her heartbreak, she couldn’t find it in herself to go back to NICU; there was just too much sadness inside of her, and that would do Jamie no good.

Having given in to exhaustion, Holly slept after the small ceremony her father and a couple of the staff attended. She desperately missed Bernie, ached to have her friend close by for support, but she couldn’t phone her. It would be a mistake of huge proportions.

She’d dreamed of Jake again, the kind Jake with tears in his eyes as he’d looked at his daughter’s ultrasound—at the time, they’d only known about one of the babies. She missed that Jake, but she knew he didn’t exist. He’d purely been an illusion all along, some sort of sick act or joke. And to prove what, she didn’t know. She would never know.

When she woke, she had a second of peace until the ache of losing Romy crept into her gut, consuming her entire body. She cried for what seemed like years, until she felt a soft touch and her mother’s arms wrapping around her.

Jane cried along with her daughter. It was unbearable, and a part of Holly felt like dying, too. She didn’t want to be on this earth.

Face it, Jamie is going to die, too
, she kept telling herself. She believed it would only be a matter of days, so felt it was better to disconnect herself from Jamie—the sooner the better. She had to do it, even if her thoughts were the cruelest ones she’d ever had.

“Holly? Jamie needs you, now more than ever. Please, won’t you go to her?”

“I can’t, Mom.”

“You’ve got to.”

“Like you did?” Sarcasm laced her words.

Jane stared at her. Not in shock or anger, only sadness. “That is exactly why you need to get out of this bed and be there for your daughter, because I know what it’s like not to. It’s the one thing I regret most in my life, Holly. It eats me up on the inside, every single day. I don’t want that for you.”

Holly cried again. “Just leave me alone, please.”

“Baby,” Jane begged again.

“One hour, Mom. I need to find a place within me that won’t affect Jamie, please.”

Jane got up and kissed her daughter on the cheek.

Holly didn’t glance her way. She prayed hard to find peace, love, and all things that were still beautiful in her life. For Jamie’s sake. It was over an hour before she managed to leave her bed, and another hour of pacing in front of the NICU before she even attempted to go in.

Dr. Edwards smiled upon seeing her, and then opened the incubator.

Holly was too scared to look at Jamie, terrified that the same black spots marred her tiny legs. But when he placed Jamie against her chest, she couldn’t help but look at her baby’s legs. No spots were visible, and sighing in relief she prayed, giving thanks. She began to hum softly, gently rocking in the chair.

Contact time had increased to fifteen minutes, a good sign, or so she’d thought. It was over all too soon, as it had felt more like five seconds when Dr. Edwards returned, picked Jamie up and placed her back into the incubator.

This time, though, Holly didn’t leave her side. From that moment on, she stayed with Jamie, day in and day out.

By now, four weeks had passed, and Jamie was still with them. She’d struggled, but for some reason continued to pull through. Jamie, being the first born, or so Dr. Rikus told her, had always been stronger than Romalia and had even grown a couple of inches.

Holly had been pumping breast milk for the nurses to feed the babies, and now there was only one.

At first, they’d had to feed Jamie through a tube in her stomach, but of late Jamie had begun to drink from a bottle, not without some struggle. The nurses found it hard to sometimes get 5 milliliters into her little body as most of it spilled, but they’d eventually managed to get a fair amount in.

Throughout the time she spent with Jamie, she’d force Romy from her mind. She just couldn’t think about the ache in her heart when she spent time with Jamie. The only peace Holly had where Romalia was concerned, was that she believed she was still with them, even though she was now in the after-life; the plus side of having a twin in Heaven.

Jamie had looked exactly like Holly, and she knew that her sister would take care of her baby as if she were her own.

When Charles showed up one day, it was with a pacifier, which he handed to Dr. Edwards. “I know I’m not a doctor, but I’ve read that pacifiers help with breathing and sucking.” He hadn’t sounded too sure when he shared his explanation, but Dr. Edwards had nodded his approval.

“We’ll see if she will take to it. You got the smallest one, too, I see.”

“I’m a man of many talents, doctor.”

For the first time in a long time, Holly chuckled.

Charles took the chair next to hers. They watched as Dr. Edwards coaxed the pacifier gently into Jamie’s mouth. She spat it out a couple of times, but around the fifth time it stayed in.

Holly’s heart flip-flopped when she noticed the sucking movement on Jamie’s jawline. It had worked.

“Thank you so much, Dad.”

Charles gave his daughter a hug and kissed the top of her head. “It’s a start. She’s going to make it, Holly. I can feel it.”

“She’d better make it.”

“Oh, she will.” Charles smiled, while watching Jamie sucking on the tiniest pacifier either had ever seen.

Another month flew by in a whirl. Holly continued to stay at the hospital, but occasionally went to her mother’s motel, which was thankfully close by, to take showers and catch up on sleep.

Jamie improved weekly and if progress continued in that manner, she would soon be allowed to go home. She had finally made it out of NICU and was now in the nursery.

Holly would cry for Romalia when she wasn’t with Jamie, which would turn into a cursing session where the Peters’ were concerned.

Jane and Holly had settled into a pattern; when one needed rest, the other would take over and sit with Jamie.

Holly came across many women with preeclampsia, most in week 32 of their pregnancy, and almost none in their first trimester. The more she spoke to them, making friends along the way, the more she wanted to help them. But she couldn’t.

She didn’t have the knowledge Dr. Rikus or Gus Peters had. He still hadn’t given the go-ahead for the supplement to released, and by Dr. Rikus’ as well the nurses’ reaction during one of their discussions, he wasn’t going to.

He’d apparently found something not to his satisfaction and terminated production entirely. Whatever he’d found to be wrong, Holly more than likely hadn’t used it long enough to feel its side effects.

When she finally came across the press release and his reason as to why p47 had been terminated, he simply stated that it wasn’t a good supplement, it didn’t work, and wasn’t fit to be consumed by anyone. Perhaps it had caused severe side effects with another of his patients, leading him into believing that it was too risky a chance to take.

Whatever his reason, Holly would remain grateful that she’d at least had a couple of month’s worth in supplies, and as far as she was concerned it had worked in the short time she’d taken it.

Still, she wanted to help those women so badly. Seeing them suffer, scared of going through what she had was too painful for her. Until one day, something totally out of left field hit her. She might not have had the knowledge at that moment, but she was adamant she could gain it.

What if she studied to become a doctor? She’d always been a bright student, achieving mostly As in certain subjects. And her grandmother had always said that one was never too old to learn something new. Was it possible that she could very well become a doctor?

Those thoughts occupied her mind space quite a lot. Uppermost in her mind, though, was the fact that it would mean her path would cross with Jake’s eventually, and that was one of the things she really didn’t want. However, she weighed the pros and cons every second she spent with those women, it was a small price to pay.

Jake stood out in crowds, where she faded. But she’d always know when he’d be too close for comfort; the female doctors would alert her to that fact.

In the end, though, he’d surely find out. Word would spread, somehow, especially as she was determined to enter the exact field Gus was in, and work to achieve what he had so readily discarded—a supplement to help women through the situation they were in.

Still, it was a small price to pay. What she would have to do is be insanely careful not to mention Jamie. Her professional and personal lives would be poles apart. It could definitely work.

Holly couldn’t hide the smile that spread across her face. She knew that it was the right thing to do. It was what she wanted. She was going to medical school. She wanted to share her good news with her mother, but came to the conclusion that she’d probably think Holly was wanting to step into Jake’s shoes in the hope of seeing him again, even if that was the last thing she wanted. It was something her mother should by now know.

The day Charles Scallanger somehow found out who Jamie’s father was, or what he did for a living, would be the day he would surely blow a gasket.

Instead, Holly waited for just the right time to tell her mother.

Jamie was finally drinking all her milk, and the best part was that she was drinking it from Holly’s breast. She had to admit that it hurt like hell the first couple of weeks, but she was convinced that a mother’s milk was best for babies. Also, her breasts needed the relief as she had milk for ten babies, not just one.