Impending Reprisals (22 page)

Chapter 29

Anya had spent nearly five full days in bed, weeping and mourning her lost love to the extent where it clutched her stomach and made her body ache. She did not think she had another tear left in her entire being and was half-expecting to have been turned into a hollowed-out, dry husk by this point.

She had not seen Kael since he denied her, and she knew it was probably for the best. So broken had she become, there was no way of telling what reaction she may have if she did. Lenna had been tending to her day and night, the poor woman fraught with worry. And she would catch glimpses of Gerhard, standing like a statue, outside her door.

But not Kael. Not once.

And then there was Merivic, anxious and helpless as he looked upon her curled in bed. It pained her to think what she was putting him through—believing she was indeed ill with no cure in sight, no reason for her apparent sickness. It would have hurt him more, though, if he had known her to be in such a state over a broken heart, and that he was not the one responsible in harming it. So she let him believe what he would, and tried to control her sobs and racks of shivers as much as possible when he came to visit.

Anya walked to the wall of the tower, and rested her elbows on the stone blocks. The early morning air was warm and welcoming, but the gloom of the clouds dampened the reception. She scowled at the sky and cursed it for never shining sunlight upon her shoulders, for never gracing her skin with its warmth and comfort.

It was comfort she needed now, comfort and perspective. Something to anchor her emotions and provide a measure of clarity. What better place to gain such insight than the top of a tower, high above the rest of the world and alone to contemplate her future. A chore it had been to sneak away and claim this time and place for her own, and she did not intend to waste it.

Bracing her palms against the stone, she heaved up and stood where she had once leaned. The thick wall provided a stable surface as she began to walk, stepping from merlon to merlon, the stone blocks shaping the top of the tower into its signature jagged appearance. The gaping holes under the reach of her legs were not very wide, and she gained a sort of rhythm to her step.

Looking out at the kingdom grounds far below, and the city nestled in the distance, assisted in her search for perspective. How small and insignificant her life really was, and how easily it could be to end it now. It made her immediately appreciate how short life was and how she needed to be sure she was living it for her, and her alone. Up here, with no distractions, there was no one else to consider. Up here, there was just the wind and the clouds, her thoughts and her decisions. And it was time to choose her path.

Kael had just finished his survey of the woods as he strode free of the trees, and headed toward his horse across the meadow. His eyes took in his surroundings, always alert and always on guard, and then darted to the castle. His throat squeezed and his body froze.

Anya’s slender frame was clothed in a wisp of white fabric, clinging to her curves as the wind swirled around her. Her hair danced wildly in the air as she wandered in a continual circle around the tower’s edge.

Where the hell was Gerhard?! How had she gotten up there?!

His thoughts were frantic and, in all reality, useless. He was too far away to shout, too far away to run, too far away to stop whatever it was she was doing. All he could do was watch helplessly and pray she did not act rashly.

Anya stopped pacing the edge, and halted the contemplation of her fate. What she was feeling, right in this moment, was her portent of what her life would be like—painful, empty, and without meaning. She had to decide to move on with life, with or without Kael. She would never control his wants, never control his desires, and he made it clear he did not want or desire her.

She stood facing the west, where the sun would be if the clouds would release it from their strangling hold. Arching her back, she faced the sky and brought her arms away from her sides, toes curling over the edge of the stone. For the duration of a breath, she felt utterly alone and desperate with despair.

Anya called upon Tajvek then, to anchor her and warn her as she pushed the boundaries of her grief. She wanted to feel it, experience it fully, to work through it and be free.

Kael broke out into a sprint when he saw Tajvek materialize by her side, certain the great cat appeared because he sensed she was going to jump. He knew he would not get there in time, but he simply could not just stand and watch either.

Push her back, Taj! he demanded, hollered, with his thoughts. Shove her back, pin her down until I reach her!

They were fruitless commands, he knew. Far too long had he been removed from Tajvek for the cat to be deeply attuned to him any longer.

Damn it!

A beam of sunlight pierced through the clouds then, caressing Anya in a rare embrace. Feeling the heat of the light on her face, her eyes snapped open and she smiled. Her soul lifted with the brightness and warmth as she pulled her arms in and crossed them over her chest. Sighing heavily, she released the weight within, and then let loose with the glory of the sun. Her laughter peeled out in a song of delight, ringing through the air.

Relief swelled throughout Kael, but he continued to run, refusing to relax until she got down off the wall. And then she did, disappearing from his sight as she eased herself down.

He slowed to a stop, leaning down to brace his palms on his knees, his breath sobbing and ripping through his throat. Visions of her prone on the edge continued to dance in his head and he was finally convinced of the reality he had been denying. She had not been sick over the past days, he could refute that no longer. He had pushed her to this, his cruel words and vicious actions. It punched a hole in his gut to know this truth, and he vowed he would never push her to that point again.

Things must remain simple and uncomplicated between them. He would be her friend, her confidant if she wished, but nothing more. No longer could he distance himself from her if this was what it could cost her, what it ultimately could cost him. She was not for him, he could not have her. But that was something he needed to swallow and come to terms with. He could not have her pay the price for his selfishness, his need to separate from her. He would find a way to deal with the pain that came with her presence, and the allure and love that accompanied it. He had to find a way.

As he backtracked to his horse, he formulated his resolve. But her image flashed relentlessly through his mind and he could not resist the anger it brought with it.

How could she do that? How could she be so damned selfish to worry me like that? That woman… Damn it!

Anger swelled to fury as he shook his fists at his side. She had terrified him to an extent he had not known to exist; reached inside, swirled within, and left him bruised and scarred with terror. And it pissed him off.

A new resolve formed. He would not distance himself as completely as he had, but he could not be her friend either. Not right now. She had too great a hold on him to react appropriately. He needed to break her vise-like grip before he could even contemplate a measure of camaraderie.

In the meantime, she would get her sentinel back, in the same capacity as she had before—aloof and cordial, but mad as hell underneath.

Chapter 30

Anya checked her appearance one last time before leaving her quarters. She fluffed her hair around her shoulders and gave her cheeks a quick pinch to put some color in them. Smoothing down her dress, she twisted sideways to make sure everything was as it should be.

Today was the first day of the rest of her life. Today she would meet her future with her head held high and her emotions in control. Today she would brave the first steps in repairing the damage between her and Merivic, and prepare for and defend against a life without Kael.

Though she was full of trepidation and doubt, she attempted to ignore them with pride and stubbornness as her shield. She would do what was right, what was necessary to ensure her own fate, and guard against another emotional downfall. No one would ever again hurt her the way Kael had. Not even Merivic, her betrothed. And that only made a life with him all the more desirable and attainable.

She could love Merivic and stand by his side for the rest of her days, but she knew she would never have the deep, endless, passionate love for him that she had for Kael. And that was all right by her, preferable even, because then—no matter what he did or said—he could never hurt her in a way from which she could not recover. Pain, real pain, could be avoided with Merivic.

A heavy sigh escaped as she reached for the door, and she paused with her palm on the handle.

There is no Kael, only Merivic, she chanted to herself. A world without Kael, a world without suffering. I can do this. No Kael. No Kael.

With a stern nod of her head she yanked open her door and stood face-to-face with Kael. Scowling, she side-stepped him and swung the door shut behind her before stalking down the hall. “So much for
no Kael
,” she grumbled.

“My apologies, Lady Anya, I missed that.”

She jumped from the sound of his voice right behind her, unaware he was following her. “Nothing.”

“Very well, Milady.”

Her eyes narrowed as she glanced over her shoulder to witness the smirk on his face. “Where is Gerhard?”

“He has returned to his assigned duties.”

“I prefer him to you.”

“I do apologize for the inconvenience, however I am assigned to be your sentinel, not Gerhard. If you do not like the arrangement then I suggest you take it up with your husband.”

Anya opened her mouth to correct the ‘husband’ reference, and in a not-so-polite way, but snapped it shut when she realized what he was doing. He was baiting her.

“Perhaps I will,” she stated lightly. “I do believe I feel safer under Gerhard’s watch. Certainly that would mean something to Merivic. I am sure he would take it under advisement.” There was no response from behind her, and she did not turn to determine how he received her words. “Besides, far too many times already have you passed your duties to another. Gerhard would be more focused, I believe, and take more pride in this assignment than you ever would.”

She glanced into his stone-cold eyes, and returned a quick glare of her own before turning back around. “And, as an added benefit, I would never need to worry about him taking my love,”—her voice turned frigid—“and then breaking my heart.” She heard his steps slow to a stop as she continued along.

So is that what it takes for him to leave me alone? Anya pondered as she entered the great hall. Remind him of what he did, how much he hurt me? Or remind him of what he lost, what he willingly gave up?

Merivic launched to his feet as she strode toward the table. “Anya, my beautiful Anya.” He reached for her hands and she obligingly held them out. “You look lovely.” He kissed her knuckles. “Please, sit. You must be tired. Are you hungry? I have some fruit here.”

She sank into the chair he pulled out for her. “Merivic, please do not fret over me. I am much better now.”

“I cannot help it. You gave me quite a scare over the past few days.” He shook his head, and hung it low as his words rushed out. “Not that I am blaming you. I mean, of course, you did not intend to make me worry. I simply meant—”

She leaned forward and clasped her hand over his. “Enough. Please. I am well, truly I am.” Locking onto his hazel eyes, she smiled. “Merivic, I do not wish you to be uncomfortable around me, to feel as if you must watch what you say.”

A sheepish expression tainted his features. “I sometimes do not know what to say, Anya. Especially since I do not know how you are feeling toward me, what you think of me since…” He looked down. “I hurt you. I know I hurt you. And I would do anything to take that back, to make it up to you.” Glancing back up, she was taken by the sorrow in his eyes. “Tell me what I must do, Anya. I will do anything to have you trust me again.”

“I do trust you, Merivic. I know you regret…” She bit her lip as she chose her words. “Let us put it behind us. Today we start anew—both of us. A clean slate, starting now.”

“Do you truly mean that?”

She swallowed the lump of guilt rising in her throat. It felt like such a deceitful manipulation to work her own exoneration into the mix, but it was the closest she could come to admitting her own betrayal, and to try and make amends for it. “I do. Let us speak of it no more.”

“Anya, my love.” Merivic pulled her to her feet, banding his arms around her. “You have no idea how happy you have just made me.”

She returned his embrace, unmindful of the insidious nature of his thoughts.

You wish to have a clean slate, do you? How nice for you. And how deliciously cunning of you to include yourself within that reprieve. But you will not escape punishment so easily, my love. And certainly not so painlessly.

Donning a pleasant expression, Merivic pulled back. “Shall we have our picnic today?”

“Picnic?”

“Yes. Remember? You took ill before we could—”

“Oh! Of course, I remember. What a wonderful idea. A picnic would be lovely.”

“I will have Lenna prepare it, and we will leave at once. Oh, and Kaelestis… Do you know where he might be?”

“I saw him upstairs just before I came down. He is not coming with us, is he?”

“Is there something the matter, Anya?”

“No. No. I simply wish to be alone with you.”

He smiled as he pulled her near, wrapping his arms around her again. “Mmm. As I wish to be alone with you.” His hand slid down her back, dangerously low, and he took pleasure in the tensing of her frame.

Oh, yes, he thought. You are going to make this difficult for me, are you not? You will melt under my touch once again, be sure of that. And in the duration, I will enjoy putting you on edge and pushing you further and further. Fight me, Anya, he nearly pleaded aloud. Please, fight me, so I may conquer.

“Merivic…”

He pulled back. “Do not worry, Anya. We will be together today, just you and me. I was simply going to inform Kaelestis of our plans.” He kissed her forehead, then gestured to the table. “Please, eat some breakfast as I prepare. I have the perfect place in mind, but it will be mid-afternoon before we arrive.”

“As you wish.”

“I will return, my love. And when I do, what a day we will spend together.”