I'm Not Julia Roberts (7 page)

I saw the bimbo at my son’s soccer game, cheering like SHE was the mother or something, and she didn’t even say anything to me. Not one thing. And neither did my ex. Is it stupid of me to want a little acknowledgment? A little respect? These are MY children that she’ll be spending time with. You’d think they’d understand how important it is to discuss how much this stranger will be involved in my children’s life. The ground rules. There ought to be ground rules, don’t you think?

2good2BeBlue

June 12, 1999

Dear Mom and Dad:

Please stop putting notes in my backpack. It freaks me out.

Love, Devin

June 10, 1999

Beatrix:

Waiting for something that will never come will only make you more insane than you already are.

Ward

June 8, 1999

Ward:

I’m still waiting for a check for $38.25 for your portion of the other bathing suit and the camp towels.

Beatrix

June 2, 1999

Beatrix:

Let me get this straight. Because some neighbor dog bit your cat’s tail, I have to buy you new towels? Are you crazy?

Wait, don’t answer that.

And as far as my not understanding how much it costs to raise a child, let me remind you that the boys live with me 170 days out of the year (26 weekends a year plus 104 week days plus 14 days of vacation). That’s only 25 days less than they live with you.

Here’s a check for one of the bathing suits.

Ward

May 17, 1999

Ward:

I don’t think you appreciate the incidental costs involved with clothing, housing, and generally raising a child. (Remember, you’re not responsible for keeping the boys as many days as I am.) Just the other day, when Devin was supposed to be watching the neighbor’s dog, he accidentally let him into our house. That dog chased Little Bit all over the house and bit her on the tail. I had to rush her to the vet to get stitches, and it cost more than $200.

I included the bathing suits and the towels on the camp list because Devin is required to wear blue bathing suits at camp (he told me you bought red and orange) and needs special towels to take back and forth. As you may not realize, wet towels crumpled up in a camp bag may get mildew, and I don’t think household towels are appropriate for this purpose. I’d appreciate a check for the remaining $68.24.

Thanks,
Beatrix

May 9, 1999

Beatrix:

Enclosed you will find a check for $558.96 (65% of $859.95). I just bought the kids a couple of bathing suits myself and am not required to pay for the suits that you chose to buy him to wear at your house. I have no idea why you’d include the purchase of two towels on this list.

Ward

May 3, 1999

Ward:

I signed Devin up for day camp and paid the following fees:

Registration: $25.00

8 weeks tuition: $800.00

Uniform: $34.95

Two bathing suits: $59.98

Two large towels: $45.00

Total: $964.93

As per our agreement, your portion of this bill is $627.20 (65% of $964.93). I’d appreciate your paying this bill immediately; the last time you were late, and I had to pay interest charges on my Visa.

Beatrix

Posted on theothermother.com, April 14, 1999:

Hi everyone:

I’m not a stepmom or even close to it, but I am dating a man with three young sons. I have to say, you guys are scaring me! Some of you have all these horror stories! My boyfriend’s kids are always nice to me. Am I just lucky, or is this the calm before the storm?

Lulu34

February 18, 1999, Instant Messaging:

BeaFREE40: So, did you guys do anything fun over the weekend?

SuuuperDawg: We went to the park, but it was 2 cold, so we went home. And then we went to Lu’s party. She let us toast marshmellows in her fireplace.

BeaFREE: MarshMALLOWS. With an “A.” And who the heck is LU?

November 7, 1998

Beatrix:

I’ll be out of town from Monday to Wednesday. You can call my cell if there’s an emergency.

Ward

October 2, 1998

Beatrix:

I’ll be out of town this weekend, so I’ll be unable to watch the boys as you’d asked. I did call my mother and she said she’d be happy to baby-sit, if you have a need.

Ward

September 12, 1998

Beatrix:

I’ll be out of town for the next few days. In an emergency, I can be reached on my cell. You have the number.

Ward

August 15, 1998

Beatrix:

I’ll be out of town next week, so I was wondering if you were available to watch the boys Thursday and Friday. Please let me know.

Ward

June 7, 1998. Chat Room Transcript:

BeaFREE40: He’s so jealous. You should see his face when he comes to get the boys. It’s sad, really, if you think about it. I almost feel bad for him.

Beasmom: I feel bad for him.

BeaFREE40: I said
almost.

Beasmom: Bea, honey, can you just call me on the phone? I know you bought me this computer and set everything up, but typing on this thing makes my joints ache.

May 29, 1998
To: [email protected]
Fr: [email protected]

Mitch:

I met someone. And I’m starting to think it could be going somewhere.

I’m freaking terrified.

Ward

May 4, 1998

Beatrix:

When you say that you don’t know what’s more important than your plans, you mean you don’t understand what’s more important than YOU.

Forget it, it doesn’t matter. I’ll be around that evening.

Ward

May 1, 1998

Ward:

Frankly, I don’t understand what’s more important than this. Can’t you just move your plans to another date?

Beatrix

April 28, 1998

Beatrix:

The plans are fine, except for the bit about Sunday. You’ll drop them off between 5 and 10? Can you narrow that down a bit? I had plans for that night. . . .

Ward

April 15, 1998

Ward:

The wedding is planned for Saturday the 23rd—I enclosed a copy of the invitation so that you have the details. As the boys are an integral part of the ceremony, I would like to have them from Friday evening for the rehearsal dinner through Sunday evening, when we leave for our honeymoon. We’ll drop them off at your house sometime between 5 pm and 10. We’ll be in Paris for ten days, returning on the 5th. I’ll pick the boys up from school on the 8th.

Please confirm these schedule changes with me at your earliest convenience.

Beatrix

March 15, 1998
To: [email protected]
Fr: [email protected]

Hey, Annie,

Remember that blind date I told you about? The one with that dad guy? The one I was absolutely dreading? Yeah, um, well . . . wasn’t as bad as I thought. Actually, it was good. More than good. Even with the tucking the shirt in thing that all dads do. (Is this some sort of dad rule? Tucking AND belts?) Anyway, he’s smart and funny, with curly hair, great hands. Talented hands, if you know what I mean. Talented everything. I know we nice girls aren’t supposed to sample the wares before the third date, but I couldn’t help myself.

Geez, I hope he calls me, cause otherwise I’m going to feel like the proverbial ho. (Uh, is that a proverb????)

Lu

February 16, 1998

Beatrix:

This is the third time I’ve requested that you file the quit claim deed on the house. I’d rather not go through the lawyer about this, but if it’s not filed by next month, I’ll have to.

Ward

January 4, 1998
To: [email protected]
Fr: [email protected]

Mitch:

It’s D-Day. My own personal D-Day. I almost can’t believe it. I’m a single man.

Things had been going pretty smoothly for a while. No fights, none of her stupid ass notes, no fighting me every time I come to pick up the boys. I even shook hands with that guy she’s shacked up with. (The boys seem to think he’s OK, so that’s something.) I was nervous to see Beatrix in court. She looked good, lost a little weight, the works. But as we were going through it, as the judge decided this and that, I realized something important. I loved her, I totally loved her, but I never really liked her. She’s picky, she’s literal, she’s demanding, she loves to get on her high horse and ride the thing till he’s dead. I don’t want to be with that kind of person. The kind of person who, if you fell off your bike and broke your leg, would yell at you for riding irresponsibly instead of asking if you were OK.

And while I was having these thoughts, I noticed something else. Her shoes. She wore these red shoes that I bought for her way back when we were dating, these “mary-janes” she always loved. I think it was a slam, you know? I think she was trying to tell me that she could kick up her heels without me.

So I know you’ll say that I’m reading too much into the whole thing, but I don’t think I am. I think that’s it. And now it’s over. Done. Dead.

I wish I knew what to feel.

Ward

Gratitude Journal:

September 12, 1997

Devin, trying so hard to be a man. He shakes Alan’s hand.

Britt, the boy you can take anywhere, the boy who will help with anything. Just this morning he made me pancakes (or tried to. He forgot the eggs, the batter burned solid, and we had to throw out the pan).

Ollie, sweet Ollie. He says “good morning!” to the squirrels in the yard, he wants to be a vet and a juggler and a police person. He actually said “police person.” Who couldn’t love a boy like that?

Alan, who showed me what real love and support is. I finally have a fully committed partner to share my life with. I can’t describe the feeling. I’m dizzy, I’m flying. (Ha! I’m relieved!)

Friends who give me unconditional love no matter what’s happening with me or what size I am.

I’ve lost 14 pounds!!!!!

August 20, 1997
To: [email protected]
Fr: [email protected]

I’ve been thinking about this unconditional love concept, and you know, I’ve decided that it’s bullshit. The only people you love unconditionally are your kids, and even that isn’t always as true as we all pretend it is. Could you say that you’d still love your wife in the same way if you discovered she was an embezzler? If she gained 200 pounds slamming Twinkies? If she started sleeping with some guy she works with? Is it realistic to think that we’ll love another person no matter what they do? Is it realistic to plan our lives as if nothing will ever change?

July 18, 1997. Chat Room Transcript:

BeaFREE40: I don’t know why he can’t see how hard this is for the boys. I don’t care what the court says. He’s a bastard.

Beasmom: He is their father.

BeaFREE40: But he’s still a bastard.

Beasmom: This is upsetting you. Let’s chat about something else. Get it, chat? I’m getting pretty good at this high-tech stuff, don’t you think?

BeaFREE40: What else is there to talk about, Mom? This is my life, you know. My life.

Beasmom: Yes, honey. But this is what you wanted, isn’t it?

BeaFREE40: So it’s my fault? I’m getting what I deserve?

Beasmom: I didn’t say that.

BeaFREE40: You didn’t have to. I can see it in people’s faces. They have no idea the pain I had to go through living with that man. They think I’m some sort of floozy.

Beasmom: Honey, nobody uses the word “floozy” anymore.

June 19, 1997
Beatrix Harrison
N. New England Avenue
Chicago, IL

Dear Ms. Harrison:

As per the custody order dated May 5, 1997, your sons, Devin, Britt, and Oliver Harrison are to spend Thursday and Friday of every week and every other weekend with their father, Ward Harrison. If you continue to interfere with this court-ordered custody arrangement, or attempt to deny Mr. Harrison his right to see his sons, we will have no choice but to pursue legal avenues to rectify the situation.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me at this office.

Dana Sherry,
Esquire

February 7, 1997

Ward:

What the hell are you trying to pull? Having our sons jumping back and forth from house to house with their underwear in a paper bag doesn’t benefit THEM, it benefits YOU. They’re just little kids! Have you thought of how difficult this will be for them? Why can’t you accept that they’re happy with me, in one place? Why can’t you see that this is the best thing for them? Are you trying to get back at me? Well, let me tell you right now that it won’t work. It’s low, Ward, low even for you, to use our sons like this. And I’ll tell you something else: I’ll fight you every step of the way.

Beatrix

February 2, 1997

Beatrix:

I agree that the boys need a father, which is why I’ve decided that weekend visitation isn’t enough. I have no interest in being some sort of Disneyland dad with no real relationship with his children. I’ve investigated joint physical custody and believe this type of arrangement will suit the boys best. My lawyer and I are working on a proposal. As soon as we have the details hammered out, I’ll let you know.

Ward

January 2, 1997
To: [email protected]
Fr: [email protected]

I picked the boys up the other day and they told me that the asshole has moved in with them. Can you believe this? It’s been what, four months!?

I’m trying to pull it together. I have to pull it together. I swore in front of the kids. I’ve never done that before, but some shithead cut me off and I called him a fat fucking fuck—that’s exactly what I said. Ollie looked so shocked, I thought he was going to pass out. He must think I’ve lost my mind. Now I’m worried that he’ll tell his crazy mother and she’ll sue me for having a potty mouth.

How could she move in with that guy so soon?

Ward

December 13, 1996

Beatrix: