I'm Holding On (26 page)

Ian

Brynlee’s been gone awhile when I see her come back into the room. What worries me is that Isaac came in right behind her, and she appears upset. I excuse myself from the Clarks, who I’ve been catching up with. This whole situation is uncomfortable.

“Hi, sweet girl. Are you OK?” I
pull her into a hug and see Drew glaring from across the room. He has to be furious. My family thinks Brynlee and I are dating, so I imagine it’s been up for discussion this evening.

“I’m fine
. Listen, is there any way you could take me home later?”

“Absolutely. Did Isaac say something to you?”

“Um, yes, he told me he was sorry for my loss.”

“It’s hard to believe that’s all he said.”

She looks up at me, and I can see that she doesn’t want to discuss it. “It’s fine, Ian. You have a family that really loves you.”

“I’m sorry. Isaac is worried about me ruining my career, and he doesn’t want to see me hurt. I’m sure if he came across as an ass, he didn’t mean to.”

“I need to talk with some friends from work and tell the Clarks bye.” I see the sadness as she gives me a kiss, and I don’t think it’s all for Gram. I might have to hurt my brother.

***

I drive Brynlee back to her apartment. She looks tired and stressed, and she’s not going to have a bottom lip left if she doesn’t stop chewing on it.

“You know, I’d happily chew on that lip for you.”

She stops and looks over at me. “Sorry.”

“What for?”

“All of this. Everything.”

“I’m not sorry. I’m with you.” We park and go inside, and I’m getting a very unsettled feeling.

“I need to change. Do you mind waiting on the couch?”

“No problem.”

She comes back out in a pair of thin pajama shorts and a tank top that is making it difficult for me to look at anything else. Sitting down right next to me, she takes my hand, and tears fill those potent, brown eyes.

“Shit. I have to stop with all
the crying.” She looks away and bites down on her lip again.

“Tell me what’s on your mind
.”

She sighs heavily and looks back at me.

“I can’t pick you.” I feel the squeeze of her hand and the stab to my heart.

“What did Isaac say?”

“It’s not because of anything he said. I swear.”

“Why? Please explain why.”

“You’ve been nothing but great, and I don’t feel I deserve any of the time you’ve given me.”

“Stop
with the sentiments, Brynlee. Just tell me.” I run a shaky hand through my hair.

“I knew after you told me you loved me. I um … I didn’t feel I could say it back, but—”

“Brynlee, that’s OK. I don’t expect you to so soon. You’ve been dating both of us, so I can understand if you can’t do that.”

“Let me finish. I didn’t fe
el I could say it back, but more importantly, the first thing to go through my mind was that Drew didn’t say it first. I can picture happy times with you, Ian. I know you’d do everything in your power to make me happy.

“
Kids playing in that house of yours, me making cookies with them, us making love … I see it, but I think it’s more of a dream of the life I want than a dream of our life together.”

Brynlee begins crying hard. She pulls her hand away and buries her face. “I can’t stand to hurt you. I’m so sorry, Ian.”

“Maybe you’re still confused. I know you and Drew have a special bond because of Gram, and that was made more evident the last few days. Please don’t do this, Brynlee.”

“Ian, you wouldn’t
be able to handle Drew and I being friends. I would have to give him up completely if I choose you, and I can’t do it. You know you’d want me to. Even if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I wouldn’t be able to lose his friendship.”

“This is because I hit him, isn’
t it? If you think for a second that you want me, then please, let me try to deal with it. As long as you commit to me, I’ll work on accepting your friendship with Drew.”

“It’s not only
that, Ian. After you said it to me at the nursing home, I asked myself, if Drew said he loved me, would I be able to say it back? The answer was ‘yes.’”

I stand and begin striding back and forth
as I swipe my hands down my face. “He’s had over two years to say it, Brynlee. He hasn’t. In barely a month, I’m ready to give you everything. You have my heart, and I want yours.”

“I know he hasn’t said it, and maybe he doesn’t love me that way, but I love him. No matter what happens between Drew and me, I love him. I always have.

“I think I was hoping you could change that. I didn’t want to love someone who doesn’t love me back, especially after all the loss I’ve suffered in my life, but I can’t help that he has my heart. What he does with it is irrelevant. I can’t give it to you. That’s what matters right now.”

“Fuck. No, Brynlee.”
I go over to her and pull her up from the couch by her arms, doing everything in my power not to cry. “You are supposed to be with me. I’ve never loved a woman before you. I never thought about a family or more than work in my future, but you changed that.
You
are why I want more.” I practically shake her.

“Ian, I’m sorry. I’
m so sorry.” She sobs, staring into my eyes with so much grief and pain. Now, I’m hurting her. “You don’t want to see it now, but I believe your wife should be your best friend.”

She wipes the back of her hand across her face, wiping away some of her tears. “
You deserve no less than that. You shouldn’t settle for less.”

“Yeah, w
ell what about you? Don’t you deserve to be married to your best friend? What if Drew doesn’t want you with me, but he doesn’t want to give you his love? Then what?”

“I don’t know. All I do know is that I lov
e him, and he’s my best friend—a friend I refuse to walk away from. Maybe he’ll do that to me when he meets someone else, but I can’t do it to him.”

I realize the grip I have on her arms a
nd let them go. I pull her tight against me and stroke her hair while I breathe in her sweet smell that I’ve grown to love so much.

“Can you honestly stand here and say you two share the same kind of passio
n? It’s mind blowing between us and you know it.”

“I’m sorry, but
it’s there with him, too.”

“Fuck!” I turn my back to her and take a few steps, hardly able to take the sadness in her gaze. I grab hold of my hair, wanting to rip it all out
as I spin back around.

“I can’t let you go, Brynlee. I won’t. I’ll fight harder.”

She shoves the bottom of her palms against her eyes, covering them in frustration.

“Ian, please don’t make this harder.”

I march back to her and clutch her arms again, one last, desperate plea finding its way out.

“I could make your dreams come true, sweet girl
: the bakery, the home, the financial security and big family. I want to cherish you. I don’t want to let you go.” I lean my forehead against hers.

“The selfish part of me doesn’t want yo
u to, but it shouldn’t have gone on this long. Ian, your first love doesn’t have to be your last. I’m sorry it took me this long to figure out my true feelings. I’d never want to cause you pain. Never.”

Her eyes close as
I brush the tears from her face.

“Brynlee
, I don’t know how I’m going to give you up. I love you.” I cup her face one last time and kiss her soft lips, memorizing the feel of them.

She sobs hard again, her body jerking with each laborious b
reath.

“
If you love me, Ian, you’ll let me go.”

I swallow the knot in my throat, trying to find the
word she wants to hear.

“OK,” I whisper. M
y lips skim across her forehead before my thumbs sweep away more of her tears, my own falling to my cheeks.

“I’m going to miss you so much, baby.
You’ll always be my sweet girl.”

I let her go and walk out of her a
partment, leaving my mangled heart behind.

Brynlee

The feel of a hand on my arm wakes me.

“Oh, my god, Bryn. Are you OK?” Andrea asks. “I knew I should’ve came right back here with you after the visitation. You had no business being here alone when you told him goodbye.”

I’m lying on the kitchen floor.
I’m not even sure how I got here. “It was so hard, Andrea. I might not be in love with Ian, but I didn’t realize how much I cared for him until I had to tell him goodbye forever.”

Andrea pulls my arms, signaling for me to stand up.

“Come on. You’re exhausted. This should’ve never happened on the same day you tell your grandmother goodbye. That asshole brother of his guilted you into it, and I should kick his ass.”

“It was time.”

“Someone looking in might believe you were only thinking about yourself the last month, but I disagree. All I ever see is you worrying about everyone else. You’ve always done things out of fear of hurting others, and those two men pushed and pulled, over and over.”

“But I let them.”

“
They should’ve known that forcing themselves on you would only make things that much more difficult. They were willing participants in this whole thing, so don’t you dare feel as if you were the only one doing the hurting.”

Andrea guides
me to my room. “Get undressed, get in this bed, and don’t come out until you’ve had some real sleep. I’ll text Drew that you’re resting, so he doesn’t burn up your phone.”

“No matter what, please don’t tell him about Ian.”

“You’re going to tell him soon, aren’t you?”

“Not for a while.
I want some time to myself. He’ll be beating down the door if he finds out about Ian, and I need to figure out if he’s in love with me first.”

“OK, fine.” She gives me a
strict pointing of the finger. “I mean it. Don’t come out of this room until you’ve slept for eight hours.”

“Yes, ma’am. Seriously, Andrea. Tha
nks for being here for me.”

“Love ya, girl. This will all work out. I have faith in the guy. He loves you like crazy.”

After Andrea shuts the door, I curl up in my bed and cry over Ian. I still feel it was the right thing to do, but I’ll miss him
terribly.

Drew

It’s been four days since Gram’s visitation, and I don’t know what in the hell is going on between Brynlee and me. I feel as if we’ve taken ten steps backward.

She’s vague when we speak. She
hasn’t seen me outside of work and refuses to talk about this whole fucked up situation between the three of us. Trying to be patient because of Gram, I’ve given her space, but I need answers.

She’s only come out of the kitchen a couple of
times today. I think she’s made her decision and doesn’t want to hurt me. Maybe I should make it easier for her. I can’t do this anymore, so I’m going in to see her.

“Hi, Bryn.”

She sighs and sets an icing bag on the table before she wipes her forehead with the back of her arm. I think about how I’ve watched her little habits for over two years now, and my chest tightens.

“Hi, Drew.”

I approach her, and she’s not running me off this time. I slide my hands down her arms, feeling the bumps form on them.

“What’s going on between us
? I’m starting to believe nothing is, and it’s scaring the shit out of me. You’re hardly even speaking to me as a friend.”

“I’ve be
en telling you I need time to sort things out. That’s what I’ve been doing.”

“OK, but don’t you even want to talk to me?”

Looking away, she bites her lip.

“Yes.”

“You’re slipping away from me. I know you have to be hurting over Gram. I am, too, so don’t shut me out completely.”

I slide my fingers up into her hair and bend down to press our
lips together. I’ve missed her warm, soft mouth, and I’m making sure I get one more kiss. Her dark, shiny strands are down today, and I love the feel of them between my fingers.

My pulse picks up like it always does when I’m near
her, but she’s trembling and not in a good way. I don’t believe she wants this. She’s suffering, and I can’t allow it another second, so I cup her face.

“Bryn, I can’t watch you hurt like this anymore. I can feel
that things are different, so …” I swallow, feeling myself getting choked up. She can’t see me hurting. I don’t want her with me out of pity.

“So, I
’m letting you go. I’ll never stop being your friend, sugar. Whenever you need help ask, and I’ll be there. I only hope he’ll let us stay friends.”

Her eyes instantly fill full of tears, and she doesn’t respond. I’ve never felt this kind of pain. Every day for
over two years, I’ve lived to be near Bryn. What now? She bites on her lip again and is shaking worse. I kiss her forehead.

“It’s OK. I’ll find a way
to deal with it,” I say.

Maybe someday I’ll understand
why this happened, but I don’t believe I’ll ever get over it. She’s the one. She’s held my heart for so damn long. I swallow again, pushing back the tears and march out of the kitchen and into the office to grab my keys. My dad is in his chair.

“Drew, what’s wrong?”

I never look at him as I move through the room.

“I let Brynlee go. Now, she doesn’t have to break my heart. I did it for her.”

“Drew—”

“Don’t, Dad.
I have to get out of here.” I tear out of the office and then the front door.”