Illusion (5 page)

             
All too soon his mouth pulls away. His eyes look my face over, watching my reaction to his sultry kiss. When he notices my still shocked face, he asks in almost a whisper, "Are you okay?"

             
I nod my head before answering. "Yeah, I'm... great." Wow. Wasn't expecting to say that word. It's true though, so very, very true.

             
His lips grow into a beautiful smile before he brings them back to mine. His uses a little more force this time, but not so much so that I'd call it intense. My hands go into the back of his hair so I can run my fingers through it. His hands go to my hips, giving them a tight squeeze when a noise comes from my throat. He pulls away again, quite breathless this time. My breathing is a little erratic as well and I fall back into the pillow behind me.

             
Wow, just... wow.

             
He runs his hand up and down my thigh and turns his attention to the movie like nothing just happened. I'm not sure if I should be thankful or nervous about that. Since he is touching me in a comforting way, I'm going to assume he doesn't regret that kiss.

             
When the movie ends, he turns towards me, acting a little nervous. Do I make him nervous? That thought makes me a little delighted. "Zoey, I was wondering something?"

             
Please don't ask me to be your girlfriend. Not yet. Please, not yet. I think over and over as I answer in a shaking voice. "Yeah?"

             
"Can you open up to me a little?"

             
Not what I was expecting.

             
"What do you mean?"

             
He gives me a sad smile, while his hand squeezes my knee in a reassuring matter. "You're hiding things from me, I can tell. You don't have to, I won't force you to, but I'd like to know things about you Zoey. You want marriage and kids, but here you are living completely alone in New York City with nothing but a job."

             
"This is hard for me, Harvey."

             
He pulls me closer to him, hugging me close while his hand runs up and down my spine. It's the most comfort and safety I've felt since Kirt left for the war. In fact, as I think about it, this is very similar to the way he used to comfort me. That both warms my heart and makes me incredibly uneasy.

             
"Okay," I speak softly. I surprise myself by agreeing.

             
"Okay?" he asks.

             
I nod my head against his chest, then he pulls back marginally to look down on me. He looks patient and happy with me, I like knowing that about him. I lay back so that I'm back against the pillow. I want to read his reaction so I can stop when it becomes too much for him. I also want him to see how hard this is for me to open up like this. I never thought I'd have to explain this to someone again, especially someone that I may or may not have a relationship with in the future.

             
"I'm honestly not sure where to start." Rip the bandage off, Zoey, I tell myself. "I guess first things first. I've only ever been in a real relationship with one person before."

             
"Okay," he says quietly.

             
I inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth, twice, before continuing. "We got together my freshman year of high school." Warm memories flood me when I say that, remembering why we started dating.

             
"What are you looking at?" I turn towards Tabby, who interrupts my dreamy thoughts of this guy. I'm not sure his name, but we have math together and I'd like to know his name. I haven't dated anyone since this summer when Jack Brown decided to French kiss Rachel Gosslin behind my back. That slut.

             
I shrug my shoulders. "Nothing. Just thinking."

             
"About?"

             
"This guy in my math class."

             
"You skank, it's only the second day of school and you're already drooling over someone. Who is he? What does he look like?" Her brows wiggle and I have to roll my eyes.

             
"I don't know," I say. I sigh with defeat and she giggles.

             
"Show me him."

             
I pull on her hand and we walk down the hall. It’s after school and I heard him talking about how he is playing soccer this season, so I walk her until we're near the locker rooms. We stay out view though, so I won't get caught. That would be incredibly embarrassing.

             
He walks out moments later, dressed in low riding gym shorts and a black men’s tank. His hair is slightly curly and looks incredibly good on him. "Him," I nearly screech.

             
She laughs and shakes her head. "Of course you'd be drooling over Kirt Parsons, every other girl in school is too."

             
"Aw, man." I pout my lips and she shoves at my shoulder.

             
"Stop being a baby. You're too beautiful to pout. I'm sure if he knew you were interested, he'd ask you out."

             
"Ha, you're funny," I tell her.

             
She moves away from me before I can stop her and she yells out, "Hey, Kirt, hold on a second."

             
He pauses and turns around to face her, completely confused why this random girl knows his name and why she is yelling to him.

             
She reaches him and they talk for a second. She turns and points at me and I realize that I'm visible to him. Great, I think to myself, this is so much more embarrassing than I thought it'd be. He smiles at me, and she seems to be excited about something. When she marches back over to me, I'm a little nervous until I see how much she is beaming with excitement.

             
"He says he is going to ask you on a date tomorrow." She keeps walking past me, completely ecstatic with herself.

             
The very next day in math class, he sits down next to me and puts out a hand. I laugh because he is trying to be formal and a gentlemen, yet we're only fourteen years old. "Hi, I'm Kirt. I thought I'd introduce myself."

             
"Hi, I'm Zoey." I shake his hand with a few more giggles.

             
"I like that name." I like you, I think but don't say. "What are you doing on Saturday night?"

             
I shrug my shoulders, feeling a little shy. "I don't have any plans."

             
"Now you do. I'm taking you to the movies to see that new Johnny Depp movie. Girls love Johnny Depp, right?"

             
"Yeah, they do," I say with a smile.

              Of course I don't tell Harvey all that. He seems to notice my mind wandering over a memory and he patiently waits for me to come back to reality. My dreadful, hurtful, painful reality. Well, it was until a few days ago when I met him. How odd, huh?

             
"We were inseparable, right from the beginning. We both even attended the same college and were the best of friends. After college our plans were to get married, have kids, buy a home, and live the so called American dream. That all changed the day I found out I couldn't have kids."

             
His head tilts, confused by my admission.

             
"I ended up getting real sick and the doctor found out I had cervical cancer. It was my last year in college. I went through the treatments and in the end, I was cancer free. Well I thought. It came back, around a year after my last treatment, and the doctor ended up having to give me a partial hysterectomy, which results in me never being able to carry a baby."

             
I swallow at the thought. It's a painful thought. Normally in this part of the story, I would break down in hysterics. Not even a tear falls, not because I'm not sad but the medication I was put on prevents me from being able to cry. It's kind of relieving. I can actually tell my story, my painful story, without being a sobbing mess. Even if a few tears now and again are a little therapeutic, I'd rather not right now.

             
Noticing my pain though, Harvey places his hand over mine. He does all these little sweet gestures that makes me feel just a tiny bit better. His comfort and understanding is the only thing preventing me from having a panic attack right now.

             
"It doesn't mean you can't have kids," he says in a near whisper.

             
"I know. We talked about adopting but things changed."

             
"Okay." He allows me to continue at my own pace.

             
Another deep breath and I'm ready to continue. "We decided to put money away for the adoption we were planning. So instead of buying a home, we rented a one bedroom apartment, we both got jobs right out of college. Mine was in the field I studied, but not Kirt." I pause, realizing he didn't know his name. "That was my ex's name." He nods, understanding it before I had explained it.

             
"Anyways,” I shake my head, “we both worked hard, put the wedding on the back burner, and did our best. We had one interview with the adoption agency, but they told us they'd prefer we had a little more in savings, a larger home, and preferably married. That is when Kirt decided that him joining the military was in our best interest."

             
I shake my head remembering that conversation all too well.

             
Sitting at the kitchen table, I sort through coupons, getting ready for a trip to the grocery store. The screen door screeches open and I turn to spot a very mischievous looking Kirt.

             
"Oh God, what have you gone and done now?"

             
He walks over and wraps his arms around me from behind, laying a kiss on the top of my head. He grabs at the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I'm eating, taking a bite before telling me what crazy thing he has done. "I've found the perfect solution."

             
"Solution? Solution for what?"

             
He sits in the chair next to me, turning it so he can face me. He leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees, grabbing at my hands. He is incredibly excited and I'm getting more and more anxious to know what exactly what he has been up to.

             
"For everything. More income, more stability, a better home, the wedding you deserve. We can have it all."

             
My eyes widen, unsure if I should be ecstatic or scared as hell. "You need to hurry up and tell me your crazy scheme."

             
He laughs at me and gives my hand a kiss before placing our hands back in his lap. "I just met with a recruiter. You're going to have yourself a solider, babe."

             
"Y-you w-what?" I stutter. I can feel my face pale.

             
"Come on, baby, be supportive of me. This is for us, I promise you."

             
"This isn't for us," I say, shaking my head. I pull my hands away and nervously play with the ends of my hair, incredibly fearful about what he is saying. "There is a war going on, Kirt. You can't do this, not to me, not to us." A sob leaves my mouth and I don't try to hide it. I'm furious and scared. He is supposed to make me happy, not tear me apart.

             
He stands up, not looking nearly as excited anymore. "You'll see, babe. Everything will be okay."

              "I didn't agree with him but I supported him. I knew he'd support me in whatever I chose, so after a few choice words, I let him do what he believed was best. He really believed it was."

             
"I'm sorry you had to go through all that," Harvey tells me.

             
I shrug my shoulders, not knowing what else to say. "It happens."

             
"It shouldn't have happened to you."

             
Instead of arguing, or agreeing, or anything else, I decide to continue my story, since I've already told him most of it. "He did some training but not enough, they sent him over there too soon, and three months later I got told his tank drove over an IED. They told me it was quick and he didn't feel much pain, but I don't believe them."

             
Harvey continues rubbing my leg, soothing me the only way he seems to know how. He is handling my personal hell a lot better than I thought he would. I'm grateful he is strong enough to deal with my life, my past. It gives me the encouragement I need to continue with the story. To continue thinking that maybe, just maybe, one day I can be more than just friends with him. We may be able to build something together.