I'll Mature When I'm Dead

Table of Contents

 

 

 

 

Peter and the Sword of Mercy
(with Ridley Pearson)
Science Fair
(with Ridley Pearson)
Peter and the Secret of Rundoon
(with Ridley Pearson)
Cave of the Dark Wind
(with Ridley Pearson)
The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog
Escape from the Carnivale
(with Ridley Pearson)
Peter and the Shadow Thieves
(with Ridley Pearson)
Peter and the Starcatchers
(with Ridley Pearson)
Tricky Business
Big Trouble

Dave Barry’s History of the Millennium (So Far)
Dave Barry’s Money Secrets
Boogers Are My Beat
Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway
Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down!
Dave Barry Turns 50
Dave Barry Is from Mars
and
Venus
Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs
Dave Barry in Cyberspace
Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys
Dave Barry Is
Not
Making This Up
Dave Barry Does Japan
Dave Barry’s Only Travel Guide You’ll Ever Need
Dave Barry Talks Back
Dave Barry Turns 40
Dave Barry Slept Here
Dave Barry’s Greatest Hits
Homes and Other Black Holes
Dave Barry’s Guide to Marriage and/or Sex
Dave Barry’s Bad Habits
Claw Your Way to the Top
Stay Fit and Healthy Until You’re Dead
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex
The Taming of the Screw

PUTNAM

G. P. PUTNAM’S SONS

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York,

New York 10014, USA • Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East,

Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) • Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England • Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd) • Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd) • Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi-110 017, India • Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd) • Penguin Books (South Africa)

(Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

 

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

Copyright © 2010 by Dave Barry

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

Published simultaneously in Canada

 

The essay “Colonoscopy” originally appeared in

The Miami Herald
, in somewhat different form.

 

The author gratefully acknowledges permission to quote e-mail text and use “Shark Photograph” by Sandy L. Goodrich

“Sphere” image 2007 © Pedro Tavares. Image from
BigStockPhoto.com

“DNA” image 2007 © Pawel Szczesny. Image from
BigStockPhoto.com

 

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

 

Barry, Dave.

I’ll mature when I’m dead : Dave Barry’s amazing tales of adulthood / Dave Barry. p. cm.

eISBN : 978-1-101-18727-2

1. American wit and humor. I. Title.

PN6162.B’.54—dc22

 

 

 

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

W
hen a man reaches a certain point in his life, he feels a need to pass along the wisdom he has gained to younger generations. Of course the younger generations pay no attention; they’re busy tweeting podcast YouTube blog apps on Facebook, or whatever the hell they’re doing these days.

But if the Internet ever goes down and the younger generations have some spare time, I hope they read this book. It’s a group of essays I wrote, mostly based on the theme of what it means to be an adult.

“Hah!” you are saying. “What would YOU know about being an adult? ”

That’s a fair point. In my long career (1887-2005) as a newspaper columnist, I was not known for being the voice of maturity. I was known for being the voice of discussing what would happen if a cow exploded on a commercial airplane flight.
¹

But since I stopped writing my weekly column, some things have changed. For one thing, there was a serious economic recession. Was this because the nation was devastated by the loss of my column? Modesty prevents me from speculating. But, duh.

For another thing, I’ve had time to reflect. A lot of people think that all I do in retirement is sit around watching TV, drinking beer, and passing gas. My wife thinks this, for example. But when I appear to be an inert sack of flatulent flesh on the couch, I am in fact reflecting, at least during commercials.

And when I’m not reflecting, I’ve been having significant life experiences. In the past few years I watched my son get married; watched my daughter play many soccer matches and perform in ballet recitals lasting longer than the Spanish-American War; got a dog named Lucy; rode in a fire truck with Clarabelle the famous Walt Disney cow;
²
had some medical adventures involving direct medical assaults on some of my most personal regions; took up spinning; ran for president; nearly won the Nobel Peace Prize; and spent the equivalent of the gross national product of Uruguay on veterinarian fees in an effort to repair a persistent injury to Lucy’s tail caused by the fact that she wags too hard.

These life experiences, plus my reflections, were the inspiration for the essays in this book. With one exception, they have never been published in a newspaper. They’re longer than my weekly columns were, because I wasn’t limited by rigid newspaper length limits (currently seventeen words per column, unless they are big words such as “refrigerator”). This meant that, in writing this book, I was able to “stretch” artistically—to go beyond simply writing a few booger jokes on a given topic, and instead write literally
dozens
of booger jokes on a given topic. Yes, it was a lot of effort, but if these essays help you in some way—by teaching you something useful about relationships, or parenting, or just getting through this crazy thing we call adulthood—then I for one will be surprised.

Throughout this book, I have tried to be as honest and accurate as possible, except when I am lying. I take full responsibility for everything you are about to read; any misstatements or errors of fact are solely the fault of global climate change. In conclusion, I hope you enjoy this book, and if you come away from reading it with just one message, let it be this: If a veterinarian suggests that you can somehow keep your dog from wagging its tail, that veterinarian is smoking crack.