Igniting the Wild Sparks (43 page)

As I brush away my tears with my free hand, Finn whips his head back to me, snarling through his teeth, “Don’t lie to me!” When I look up, he cocks his head, his tone suddenly the eye of the storm. “When did it happen? Did you even think of what it would do to me?”

“Nothing happened!”

His brown eyes become black as he evenly probes, “How many times did you fuck him? Huh?”

Holy shit!

“Finn, I didn’t!”

As I sob, he’s in my face again, roughly breathing down on me, but still deceptively subdued. “Once? Twice? Or did you lose count?”

“Zero!” My hand flies up to my mouth to keep from screaming or puking. I feel like doing both.

His ambush doesn’t stop there as his voice starts to rise. “Did he make you come? Did you at least fantasize it was
me
giving it to you? Did
he
knock you up?”

“You prick!” On impulse, I shove his chest with both of my hands as hard as I can, but he doesn’t budge, even though I caught him off guard by my outburst. “I didn’t fucking cheat on you, Finnigan! And if I ever get pregnant, it’s
yours
! No one else’s!” Panting, I glare at him. “You’ve been lying to me when you told me you wanted us to be honest with each other!
You
might as well have been cheating on
me
!”

He throws a hand out and shouts, “I wasn’t trying to hurt you!”

I indignantly push on his extended arm. “You did! So, what do you have to say about all these damn lies?”

Finn leans his chest on my arm and snaps, “Lies? You want to talk about lies? I know
you
are
lying to me!”

“I’ve told you everything!”

He shakes his head, not breaking his intense glower. “Huh-uh. Morgan told me you might not be able to get pregnant.” Oh. I can’t see him laugh. It’ll kill me.

I back away from Finn until I bump into the net. “What the hell does that matter to you? That’s why I never told you. It’s not a big deal and doesn’t apply to your life, really. So, go ahead and laugh.” Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I cry like a damn baby, which is a mocking commentary to the situation, and I wait for him to do a happy dance.

Surprisingly, his voice isn’t quite as hard. “Why would I laugh? I wouldn’t do that.”

“Right. Now you’re lying
again.
” I turn and aimlessly walk along the net, trailing my fingers over the leathery top as I hurriedly dry my face with the heel of my other hand. I know he’s following me, so I waveringly go on, “I didn’t tell you because after you told me you didn’t want kids, I kind of felt it was pointless to mention it. It’s not an absolute anyway.” Louder and more resolutely, I shout to the tennis court, “Your lie is a whole different level of wrong! You told me you’d never do it again, but you are!” When I get to the end of the net, I spin around and he’s right there, as I predicted. “You lied to my face! I trusted you, Finn!” He starts to speak, but I say, “And then you broke my damn heart by announcing to everyone on live TV that you’re jumping the fucking bridge again!”

He snaps, “You didn’t break
my
heart by going down there? I had a cabin for us! Time away! Just the two of us, something we desperately need, but no! You were with
him
! Do you know what that fucking did to me? It brought me to the damn brink!”

Unexpectedly thrown by his statement, I frenziedly ask, “The brink of
what
?”

His hands sail into his already-messy hair, jostling his sunglasses. “Of losing my fucking mind! All I could do was think about what you were doing with Rodwell, if you were giving yourself to him!” He looks away from me and caustically inhales. It’s quiet between us as I stare at the side of his handsome face with his hands still in his hair, waiting for one of us to start again. Unpredictably, he softly adds, “Giving him what I thought was
mine.
”

I scornfully retort, “No, he didn’t touch my vagina.”

Returning his suddenly sorrowful gaze to mine, he drops his arms. His brown eyes are burning as he softly says, “I meant your heart, Becks.” It’s now that I realize I haven’t heard him call me
Becks
in days. Actually, he hasn’t called me anything because I haven’t heard from him in days. Period.

Staring at each other as if we’re trying to win a contest, the tears stream down my cheeks and I make no effort to hide them anymore. On the contrary, his eyes are tear free. Does he
ever
cry? What in the hell would make him lose it if he didn’t when he thought I was breaking up with him a few weeks ago?

He finally breaks our stand-off by whispering, “Your heart’s mine and I don’t plan on giving it back to you. I won’t even let you steal it from me to give it to someone else.”

“It
is
yours. I tell you this all the time. It has been and always will be, but I’m not going to have you acting like a jealous beast anymore. You’ve got to stop it.”

“That’s why you deserve so much better than me.” He inhales and slips a hand back into his hair, making his hair stand up even more over his sunglasses. “I’m sorry for being a total dick.”

My pursed lips threaten to smile. “Yeah, you are a dick. We’ve established that on several occasions.”

Unsmiling, he says, “But I have to admit, I’m still pissed off for missing our chance to go away together.”

“I
am
sorry about that. I feel bad that you lost your deposit.”

He shakes his head and shoves both of his hands into his pockets. “It’s not about the money.”

I roll my bottom lip under my teeth before saying, “If I would’ve known, I wouldn’t have gone to North Carolina, but to tell you the truth since
I’m
being honest,” Finn glances past me and frowns, “I didn’t want to go with you after I found out about your extracurricular activities.”

He slides his gaze back to mine. “I’m sorry for that.”

“You’re sorry, but you’re still going to do it.”

His eyes are wide and seemingly truthful. “I want to.”

I nod and sniff. “At least you’re
finally
being honest with me.” I take a shaky breath. “Do whatever you want. I can’t stop you,” I utter in resignation.

I fold. Finn Wilder wins.

“Yes, you can. You know you own me, Becks.”

As tempting as that is to be able to take advantage of his vulnerability, I shake my head and cross my arms again as I look out to the park beyond the tennis court.

We’re quiet and the clanging crack of a bat can be heard amongst the sound of cars on Blanton Avenue. Finn acutely inhales before he asks, “Where do we stand?”

I cautiously ask, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

He’s also guarded, asking, “Are you going to renew your ultimatum regarding my jumping?”

I exasperatedly sigh. “No. I told you to do whatever you want. I’m not going to stop you anymore. It’s your life.”

My gaze falls to the blue turf and he angles his head down, catching my attention. “But I’m sharing it with you, Becks.”

Feeling the tears building again, I glance at the chain link behind him. “Not really. You’ve been hiding so much from me. I feel like I don’t even know you.”

From my peripheral, I see him peer at the ground. “I’m still me. I just didn’t want you to worry so much.”

“That’s impossible.”

Lifting his head, he puts his hands on his hips and lowly says, “I struggled for these past few days.”

“So did I. Your lie rocked my world. I thought I could trust you.”

“You can. I should’ve told you I wanted to skydive again.”

And there it is.

“So, that’s what you’ve been doing?”

Finn eyes me warily and whispers, “Yes.”

Slightly irritated again for hearing him admit the truth, I ask, “For how long?”

Cringing, he drops his head. “Since May of last year.”

“What?”

He slowly raises his head and takes a deep breath. “It wasn’t a lot…at first. I was feeling stressed and I just wanted to let go.”

“Can’t you take up a hobby like painting or bird watching?”

A slow smirk tugs at his full lips and I look away, saying, “Well, you’ve been doing a bang-up job with drinking.”

“Skydiving is different. It’s amazing, Becks. I’d love to take you up with me.”

I can’t shake my head fast enough. “I don’t think so.”

“You’d like it.”

Not wanting to think about jumping out of a plane, I instead ask, “Why were you feeling so stressed?”

Finn shrugs as he watches passing cars. “Just a lot of things.”

“Me?” Definitely.

He corrects me, “My limitations involving you.”

I swipe at the new, rogue tears. “I’m sorry I’m fucking up your life.”

“Baby, you’re not. You
are
my life. I shouldn’t have lost my faith in us. In you. I’m so sorry I did.”

“Why did you assume I was cheating on you? I don’t understand.”

“Because I know I have problems and my shortcomings are hurting you.”

“No, your distrust, lying and jealousy are hurting me. You don’t trust me when you’ve been less than truthful about something major that could kill you. Accusing me of cheating on you is outrageous, Finn. I would never do that. If I didn’t want to be with you, I’d tell you. I wouldn’t sneak around behind your back. How do I know if you’re lying to me still?”

With a hint of annoyance, he says, “I’m not.”

“The distrust and deceit hurt. My brain wants to believe you, but the heart I gave you is scared. I’m not sure how to move on.”

Finn grabs onto the net, clutching it tightly, curling his fingers through the squared holes. He dejectedly mumbles, “Fuck. You’re not leaving me, are you?”

I bite my lip so I can concentrate on that sting instead of the one in my heart. I want to easily forgive him and forget, but I need this to not happen again, too. “No, but I need to be alone this week. I need some space to acclimate myself to your secret hobby and jarring announcement. I also have to concentrate on Morgan’s wedding without added stress.”

He reluctantly nods at the ground. “I figured as much that when you came back you wouldn’t want me around.”

“It’s not that I don’t want you around, it’s more that I don’t want you to go. Now I’m afraid to watch you walk out the door, not knowing what you’re really going to be doing.”

He raises his head. “Becks, I’d tell you from now on, but then you’d freak out.”

“It’s such a Catch-22 now. I don’t know if I really want to know even though I’m mad because I didn’t know.”

“I know.” Finn ruefully smiles, but nods.

Watching a bird picking at a twig on the ground, I say, “I want to trust you again.”

“I’ll make it happen. I promise you.” The sincerity in his voice compels me to look at him and we again stare at each other in silence.

Extraordinarily overwhelmed with feelings that I can’t even grasp, I blink and take a cleansing breath before saying, “After Morgan’s wedding, we’ll talk some more. I’ll be home Sunday afternoon if you’re not working.”

“Okay.” His gaze falls and mine goes with it. “Is your stomach any better?”

“Yeah.” It’s my heart that hurts.

Also taking in a deep breath, Finn’s tone then becomes more authoritative, “Well, as your coach, I still don’t think you should be playing yet. You can play in our next game in two weeks.”

I glance up at him. “And what does my boyfriend say?”

Finn anxiously licks his lips before clearing his throat, and his voice is gentler. “As your boyfriend, I want you to stay with me and watch the game. Cheer on your team.”

“Alright.” I can do that. Undecided of what else to say to him, I cautiously walk past him to the gate and he easily falls into step next to me, grabbing my arm. I stop and peer up at him, perplexed. “What?”

His eyes descend to my lips and then slowly wander back up to my eyes. “I really need to kiss you, Becks.” I want to, but I’m still so hurt.

“Do you?”

He quickly nods; his eyes glitter with what I hope is honesty. “Yes.”

“Are you telling me the truth?”

He tilts his head and intently looks into my eyes. “You know I am.”

“No, I don’t. That’s the whole problem.”

“I would
never
lie about how I feel about you.”

I’m lost in his stare. “And how do you feel? About me?”

“You
know
how I feel about you.”

I slightly shake my head, still entranced, and hating that I am. “I don’t know if I do anymore.”

“I’m still the same. I’ve never lied to you about that.” His gaze has a magnetic pull on mine and I can’t even blink.

“I hope not.”

His eyes do another circuit and he gruffly asks, “Are you going to let me kiss you?”