Ignite (Explosive) (36 page)

I wrap my legs around him, trying to increase the pace, but he refuses to match mine. Instead he places his hands on my thighs, stilling me, as he continues to roll his hips into me in a leisurely fashion. The way his eyes watch me intensely is unnerving, as if he’s trying to commit this entire thing to memory. It scares me, because the way he’s reverently making love to me brings on a sense of finality. It’s as if he’s trying to create this last perfect memory because he doesn’t know if he’ll ever get it again. We both have fears that this is the last time we’ll be together, but both for very different reasons.

Finally, after minutes of driving me insane, I hear him whisper, “Fuck,” and he stills inside of me as his release hits him. He braces himself on the bed before pulling out, and he looks down at me with a pain in his eyes that sends a scorching flame to the very bottom of my heart. I have the urge to look away, and yet I can’t. I’m the one doing this to him, the one causing him so much pain, and I hate myself for it.

I run my fingers down the length of his back, and I can see the shimmer in his eyes before he turns away from me. As he sits up on the edge of the bed, I get a view of his naked back. His shoulders are slumped and he’s leaning forward, elbows on his knees, head in his hands. He takes in a deep breath before rising to his feet.

“I’m going to take a quick shower so I can head out first thing in the morning,” he informs me, not looking in my direction.

“Jace, please…” I whisper, and he turns back to face me.

His eyes soften as he takes in the sight of me, naked and vulnerable but not willing to lay myself out completely for him. Going into the bathroom, he quickly comes back out with a damp towel. He tenderly cleans me up, and I want to protest, not wanting Jace to wash himself away from me. Without saying a word, he leaves the room so he can rinse me off of his skin. And for the first time since we’ve been together, I don’t join him.

It’s been
three weeks since Jace left. Three weeks that I’ve been in a fog, struggling to find a brightness in my day. That last night, something broke inside both of us. When he came back to bed after his shower, he was silent as he crawled in behind me. As usual, he wrapped one arm around my waist and pulled me into him.

“Love you, babe,” he whispered into my hair.

I swallowed hard as I responded. “Me, too,” I said, feeling him tense up behind me. After a moment, his hold on me loosened as he settled in.

“Get some sleep,” he said, brushing me off, turning away from me.

That last night we had together was spent on opposite ends of the bed, another first for us.

The morning he left was even more awkward. We normally woke with one of us waking the other before leaving the bed. In that moment, I was fortunate that the sun spilling through the blinds woke me enough to find him packing.

“What’re you doing?” I asked, not sure why he was getting ready without waking me.

He turned to me, a mask covering the face that normally smiled brightly when he saw me first thing in the morning.

“I’m just packing up, Alexa. We knew this was happening. I’ve got to be on a plane in nine hours. And it’s going to take at least three just to get back home and grab my stuff. I’m exhausted and I just want to get back to Ft. Campbell.”

I sat up in bed and took in his uniformed body. Seeing him in it sprung tears in my eyes, because this was it. This was finally happening. He was really leaving.

He grabbed his duffel bag and headed towards the front door. Pulling on an oversized t-shirt, I followed him. He gave Toby one last rub between his ears before opening the door. Taking a final glance around the living room, he stepped out on the porch with me right behind him. When he reached the bottom step, he set the duffel bag down. We were eye to eye now, and my heart shattered as the tears began to flow down my face.

He exhaled slowly, letting out a long breath as his left hand came up to cup my cheek.

“I told you once and I’ll tell you again. I’ll always come back to you. I love you. More than I ever thought I could love anyone. And I know you feel it, too, but until you can trust in us enough to admit it, then this is going nowhere. Six months and I’ll be back. I hope you can figure it out by then.”

My breath hitched and my heart was screaming at me to tell him how I felt, but I was frozen. He was leaving. With one last fleeting look, he drew me into his arms in a tight embrace. My arms wrapped around him, holding tightly, never wanting to let go. He leaned down to kiss me, and what was at first gentle quickly turned passionate as we both tried to get our fill. We drank each other in as tears spilled, and I didn’t know if they were his or mine. He began to pull away, but I held on with all I had. I don’t know how long we stood there, but it wasn’t long enough. He finally removed me from him, and he looked down at me. I could see a mixture of longing, love, and hesitation.

“I’ll be back soon. Love you, beautiful,” he whispered, and with one last kiss, he turned and walked away.

I watched him climb into his car and back out of the driveway, and I continued watching the road long after he was gone, his words replaying in my head, over and over. Five beautiful, heart-stopping words.
Be back soon. Love you.

Hearing a car honk down the street, I pull myself out of my thoughts and decide to go for a run in the afternoon sun. I’m feeling anxious from the lack of communication with Jace. We’ve only been able to exchange a few emails because of his location at the forward operating base. Locking up the house, I hit the pavement. For the next mile, the conversation I had with Brady earlier today plays in my mind.

Brady came into my office, took one look at my miserable face, and shook his head. He sat down, simply looking at me, not saying a word.

“I’m an idiot,” I told him.

Brady nodded before responding. “You’ve been an idiot for a while, honey.”

“He loves me,” I said, ignoring him.

“He’s loved you for a long time.”

“I didn’t tell him. He left and I never told him. How could I have been so stupid?”

“You’re not stupid, Alexa. You’re just scared. Too scared to give your heart away again. But you’re going to have to make a choice. He’s not going to wait around forever. Right now he may love you enough for the both of you, but one day that won’t cut it. You have to decide if he’s worth the risk. And we both know that he is, so pull your head out of your ass and get over it before you lose him completely. Because while there’s always a chance something could happen to him, if you continue you on like this, you’re going to wind up alone anyway.”

I round the corner and the cemetery comes into view as I realize that Brady was right. I haven’t been by here since I started dating Jace, and I feel a twinge of guilt as I make my way to Ty’s grave. The grass is still a dirty brown color, a contrast to the late April spring foliage, indicating that the groundskeeper has clearly not been watering the lawn. Bursts of color ranging from a deep red, a playful yellow, and an inviting orange line the graves throughout the site, but Ty’s is bare.

Taking out my headphones, I sit down and trace the letters on his headstone.
Tyler Benjamin Tate. Loving son, husband, and friend. 1/21/1982-4/26/2011.

Glancing at my watch, I realize that the anniversary of his death is tomorrow. Last year, I was a wreck on this day, and now? I am so wrapped up in thoughts of Jace that it almost slipped past me. My fingers hover over the word
loving
and I smile to myself, because that one word perfectly describes him. Moving to the side of his headstone, I prop myself up against it. I lean my head back against the cool stone, and I close my eyes.

“I miss you, Tyler. I miss you so, so much. My life was a mess after you left, and I never thought I would be able to move on from you. So much has happened this past year, and I’ve... I’ve finally fallen in love,” I admit for the first time out loud.

Picking at the dead grass, I continue. “The thing is, I never told him. I let him go without ever saying those words to him. I was too scared to admit it. Too afraid to voice it. And sitting here now, I realize how foolish I was to hold them back. I never got the chance to tell you I loved you one last time. You left me while we were fighting. Your words haunted me for the longest time, so of all people, I should know how important it is to tell your loved ones how you feel every chance you get. Loving you was easy. Losing you broke me. Somehow, I found someone who was able to pick up every single piece and make me whole again.”

Wiping the hot tears from my eyes, I press a kiss against the headstone as I stand up.

“I’ll always love you, Ty, and a part of me will always be missing. But I’m finally ready to move on. I’m ready to be in love again.”

With one last look at his name etched in stone, I turn and finish my run, eager to get home to put the words to paper. It’s not ideal, but now that I’ve finally said it out loud, I need to tell Jace, any way that I can.

When I get home, I grab my cell phone off the charger and head towards my office. Checking it, I see that I have one missed call from a number I don’t know and a voice message. Hitting play, I settle in at my desk and listen.

A shaky voice fills my ear, and I automatically freeze. “Hi Lexi, this is Beth McAllister. Can you give me a call as soon as you get this message?”

She rattles off her number and I jot it down with trembling hands. Dialing the number, I sit and listen to three long, agonizing rings before I hear Patrick’s voice.

“It…it’s Lexi. I just got Beth’s message. Is everything okay?”

I can hear Beth in the background, and she takes the phone from her husband. The moment she comes to the phone, I can tell she’s been crying.

“Lexi, honey, we just got a phone call from Jace’s commanding officer. There weren’t a lot of details, but there’s been an incident…” Her voice trails off as the phone slips out of my hands, falling to the floor.

Oh, God, no. Please, tell me this isn’t happening again.

I slide out of the chair in a crumpled heap on the floor. Sobs wrack through me as I feel every piece of my heart breaking into tiny little fragments. The pain at the thought of losing Jace rips through my body. I love him—more than anything in the world—and I never told him. The realization that I may never get the chance to fix that is unbearable. I don’t know how long I’m lying there on the floor, but eventually, after every last tear has fallen, sleep takes over as the world fades to black.

The blazing
sun is bearing down on me as our patrol suits up to leave the forward operating base I’ve been at for the past three weeks. We’re outside the wire, training some Afghan National Army soldiers on route clearance so that they have the skills to continue our work when we leave the country as scheduled next year. The Taliban is notorious for placing IEDs along supply routes in hopes of killing anyone against their cause, so it’s imperative that we find and clear any threats along the side of the highway. Any time we see something suspicious and stop to check it out, you have to mind your 0s, 5s, and 25s, checking the various meter distances around the vehicle to ensure the safety of the team. If you step out of the MRAP without looking, you could inadvertently trigger an explosive device.

We got a call about a suspicious area, so we load up and head out. Knox is driving, and I settle in beside him, Montgomery and Taylor sitting in the back. Another team rolls out in front of us, and as we get moving, I pull out a picture of Alexa out of my cargo pocket.

“Dude, every single time. It’s like a ritual to you. You gotta get over that girl,” Knox tells me, and I immediately regret ever telling him about my irritation with her holding back from me.

“I’m not getting over anyone. She’ll come around. I know she will,” I say, not sure if I’m trying to convince him or myself.

He just scoffs in disbelief. “Whatever you say, man. For your sake, I hope so. That’s why I don’t do relationships. Women latch on, all sweet and sugary, until they bleed you dry and leave you in the dust without a second glance. Nope, I’m never doing that again.”

“Someone did a number on you to leave you so jaded. It’s about time you spill.”

He surprises me by actually opening up a little. “I thought I was in love once. High school sweetheart. She was the sweetest thing this side of the Mississippi. Her hair was the color of the hay fields we spent hours lazing in, making love under the stars. Her eyes were bluer than the summer sky over the Smokies. She was just a pretty little thing that fit perfectly in my arms, and I loved the hell out of that girl.”

My eyebrows rise at his very detailed description. “Dude, do you moonlight writing country songs?” He gives me a dirty look, so I move on. “Well, what happened?”

He snorts and gives me a knowing look. “She fucked my brother.”

“Damn,” I mutter, and Montgomery and Taylor echo my sentiments.

He shrugs as he continues. “I found out that it wasn’t the first time. She wanted a college guy. Someone with a good future, and that wasn’t me. So I joined the Army the next day and never looked back. She hooked her claws in him and now they’re living happily ever after with two kids while I play with bombs and haven’t had a relationship that’s lasted longer than six months since then. Fucking bloodsuckers.”

“Wait, is this the brother you stayed with last summer?” I ask, wondering how any self-respecting man would sleep with his brother’s girl.

He shakes his head. “No, that was my younger brother. The other douche… Let’s just say we don’t talk much.”

The vehicle falls silent as the team in front of us comes to a stop.

“Let’s do it, boys. Clear on my side,” Taylor says as we check our 0s.

Montgomery and Taylor get out and conduct their 5s and 25s before signaling that it’s all clear. Knox and I join them as the other team sets up a perimeter so we can safely exploit the suspicious package. I’m about to get into my blast damage gear when I hear Knox’s voice. I turn to look at him, and he’s staring at a small hill at the base of the Hindu Kush Mountains. I see something glint in the sunlight.

“I think we’ve got a spotter,” Knox informs us.

The significance of his words makes my blood run cold. Insurgents often have spotters lying in wait when they’ve planted cell phone-triggered IEDs. That way they can detonate the bomb the moment they want by dialing a specific number.