If You Stay (21 page)

“I think this is the end of my career as a chef,” he announces as I wrap my arms around him from behind. 

“That’s okay,” I tell him.  “I think there’s already a Naked Chef out there. They don’t need another one.”

He spins around and looks at me. “I always need for you to be naked,” he tells me as he drags his hands down my sides before he grasps my hips and pulls me to him.

He kisses me, lightly and soft.  “You deserve a reward.”

I pull away a bit. “A reward?”

He nods.  “Yep.  For being such a good pupil.”

I laugh.  “What do you have in mind?”

“You’re going to like it.  Give me a minute.”

He smiles and strides away, leaving me in the kitchen alone.  And naked.

This is an interesting turn of events
, I decide as I put away the few things that we’d left out. As I do, I let my mind wander.  I think about how glad I am that I’m on the pill now and that Pax’s STD tests came back negative.  It’s nice not having to use condoms.  And then, as I turn to rinse off the paring knife, I notice a hospital bill laying on the counter.  I glance at it, and notice that it was from the night Pax overdosed which was exactly two months ago today.

I’m astounded.  I hadn’t realized it has been this long.  Two whole months.  Who would have ever thought that we’d last this long?

But Pax is back before I can over-analyze it.  He grabs my hand, leading me up to the guest bathroom.

“Why are we in here?” I ask as we walk inside.

“Because my bathroom doesn’t have a tub,” he explains. “And after that performance, you deserve a hot bath.  I don’t have bubble bath, but I used some of your body wash from upstairs.  Is that okay?”

I nod as I stare at the steaming, claw-footed tub.  It’s filled with bubbles and there is a folded towel next to it.  And two lit candles.  I can’t even believe that he thought of this. 

“Thank you,” I tell him, as I turn and hug him.  “This is so sweet.”

“It’s just a bath,” he murmurs as I continue to squeeze him.  “It’s not a big deal.”

But it is.  No one has ever run a bath for me, except for my mother, when I was little.

“It’s the sweetest thing ever,” I tell him as I step in.  “Trust me.”

I settle against the back of the tub and close my eyes. 

“I’ll let you soak for a bit,” Pax tells me before he backs out of the room.  I relax, inhaling the lavender scent as I enjoy the hot water.  Every muscle kink fades away as I soak.  And I revel in the thought that my big, bad boyfriend ran a bubble-bath for me. 

Just when my fingers are starting to prune, he walks through the door again.  He’s got underwear on now, but his chest is still bare. 

“Hi,” he says as he kneels behind me on his knees, reaching in and running his fingers along my shoulders. “How was the bath?”

He bends and kisses the side of my neck and I lean into him. 

“It was amazing,” I answer.  “Thank you.  It was just what I needed.”

“Want to know something?” he whispers into my ear.  “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.  And I love you.”

I freeze, my heart pounding.  I can literally hear my pulse pounding in my ears.

I flip over in the water, my wet hands grasping his on the edge of the tub.

“Did you just say what I think you said?”

He nods.  And for once, there is not one ounce of amusement on his face. He is completely serious.

“I love you.  I love how you are so sweet and innocent and kind to people, but you are such a vixen in the sack.  I love how you look at me.  I love your smile.  I love everything about you.”

I am completely still as I stare at him in utter shock. 

This is big.  Huge.  I’ve known for a couple of weeks that I loved him, but I didn’t want to scare him by telling him so.  But he said it first.  Tonight.  It’s dumbfounding.  And unexpected. 

“Aren’t you going to say something?” he asks and he actually looks nervous, as though I might reject him.  My heart twinges.

“I love you, too,” I tell him quickly.  “I have for weeks.”

And I leap out of the tub, the water sloshing onto the floor as I barrel into his arms.  The velocity knocks him to the ground and I hover above him, dripping. 

“I love you,” I tell him again. 

“I see that,” he laughs, kissing me.  “Simple words would have sufficed.  You didn’t need to knock me down with it.”

I giggle.  “Shut up and kiss me.”

So he does. 

Chapter Nineteen

Pax

I know I’m being a pussy now.

But as I stare at Mila, at the beautiful girl in front of me, I can’t help but know that I’ve never loved anything like I love her.  It’s true.  The baffling thing is that she loves me back.  That’s mind-boggling…this beautiful girl wants me.  I keep waiting to somehow fuck it up.  But I haven’t yet and she is still here.

She kisses me now, her lips wet from her bath and I inhale her, my hands running over her naked back. 

“You’re a wrinkled prune,” I tell her, chuckling. I hold up the towel and she steps out into it. I wrap it her shoulders, then grab another one to dry her off. 

“You’re too good to me,” she announces. 

“Not possible,” I answer. 

God.  I
am
a pussy. 

She runs upstairs to slip into one of my t-shirts and I light the fireplace.  We curl up on the couch in front of the fire and chat for at least an hour, watching the lake ripple under the silvery moon. 

“This has been the perfect date,” she murmurs, curled halfway onto my lap.  “Even if we did almost burn down your house.”

I chuckle.  “Thank god I’m insured.”

Her giggle is interrupted by a wide yawn.  She slaps her hand over her mouth, embarrassed.

“Sorry!  You wore me out tonight, I guess.  Are you ready for bed?”

I nod and turn off the fire and follow her upstairs.  I marvel in the fact that it seems so comfortable with her here.  She makes it feel like home.  And for some reason, that terrifies me and I don’t know why.  So I do what I always do when something bothers me. I shake it off and block it out. 

I curl up behind Mila and wrap my arms around her.  I fall asleep with my face buried in her hair.

But then I dream.

Fuck. 

Even as I dream, I know that I’m dreaming.  But I can’t force myself to wake.  It’s been the same thing for months now. 

I’m somewhere small and suffocating.  There is barely any light, but I hear my mom. 

“Please.  Please.  Please.”  She’s begging. 

Is she begging
me
?

I don’t know and it’s fucking killing me. 

I try to call out for her, but my lips are frozen.  I’m too afraid to call out. 

Why am I afraid?  What do I think will happen if I make a sound?

I don’t know that, either.

She’s begging again.

I hear my name. 

And then I’m awake, gasping for breath.

“Pax,” Mila is shaking me. 

Mila was the one saying my name.  She woke me from the dream.

I sit up, trying to stop my fucking heart from pounding, by taking deep breaths.  What the hell? 

“You’re drenched,” Mila says softly, pushing my hair away from my forehead with her cool hand.  “The same dream?”

I nod.  “I don’t know what the fuck…”

She strokes my back and pulls me down to lie next to her.  She enmeshes her fingers with mine, then lifts mine to her lips. She kisses the scar on my hand, then tucks it back up next to my chest.

“We need to figure out what this is,” she tells me softly. 

“I know,” I answer.  “But we’re not going to figure it out tonight.  Go back to sleep, babe.  I’m sorry I woke you.”

“Don’t be sorry,” she says quietly. “I just hate to see you so upset.”

She snuggles against my back, stroking my arm.  But it isn’t long until her fingers fall limply against me and her breathing turns soft and even.  She’s asleep. 

I enjoy her warmth pressed against me and I try to sleep.  I count sheep.  I recite song lyrics in my head.  I watch the moon.  Nothing works.

“Fuck,” I mutter. I get out of bed as carefully as I can so I don’t wake Mila.  I glance down at her and she hasn’t moved. Her lips puff out just a little as she breathes and I smile before I quietly walk away. 

The house is silent as I make my way downstairs to the kitchen.  I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.  Maybe it’s my body’s way of withdrawing itself from hard drugs.  But that can’t be it.  I haven’t used anything but whiskey in two months. 

Whiskey. 

Now, there’s an idea.  If ever I needed it, it’s now. 

I grab a bottle from the cupboard and a tumbler.  Then I decide to forgo the tumbler.  I carry the bottle with me to the couch, where I collapse heavily and watch the water moving under the moon from the window. I take a swig of Jack.  Then two.  Then three.

Before I know it, half the bottle is gone. 

And I’m finally sleepy. 

I close my eyes. 

When I wake, it’s morning and the living room is filled with light. 

Mila is sitting at my feet, looking fresh and perfect.  She’s already dressed and her hair is pulled back neatly with a band.  She’s holding a cup of coffee and another sits on the ottoman in front of us.

“I brought you coffee,” she says.  She glances at the half-empty bottle of whiskey.  “I thought you might need it.”

I squeeze my eyes closed to block out the light.  “Thanks,” I mumble.  “I couldn’t sleep.  I thought the whiskey would help.”

“I’m sure your head will thank you today,” she answers wryly. 

I grunt in response and pull a cushion over my head.

“What does Dr. Tyler say about your dreams?” she asks seriously.  “He must have an opinion.”

I lay there silently, trying to force my head to stop hurting.  It doesn’t work.  In fact, it feels like it’s going to split in two. 

“He wants to hypnotize me,” I finally admit, tossing the cushion down to my feet.  “He thinks my mind is trying to protect me from something that I don’t want to recall.  He said that hypnosis might help me remember it so that I can deal with it.”

Mila looks at me thoughtfully.  And then, instead of getting freaked out like I was afraid she would, she nods.

“I think that’s a good idea. You should do it.  Can I come with you?”

I stare at her, shocked.  “You’d want to?”

She shakes her head.  “Of course.  I don’t want you to go through that alone.  If something hurt you enough to make you want to forget it, I want to help you get through it.  Let’s chase these dreams away, Pax.”

My heart literally overflows with love for this girl.

And I don’t care if that makes me a pussy or not.

********

Mila

Pax hasn’t said anything since he picked me up at the shop.  Today’s the day he gets hypnotized and I know he isn’t happy about it.  He’s driving now with a set jaw and guarded expression.  I reach over and grab his hand, curling my fingers around it.

“Are you okay?” I ask softly.  He glances over at me. 

“I’m sorry.  I know I’m not fun to be around lately.” 

“You haven’t been sleeping,” I point out.  “That’s enough to make anyone grumpy.  But I meant, are you okay right now…since we’re on our way to Dr. Tyler’s?  Are you sure you don’t mind if I come?”

I don’t know why I’m nervous about that. I guess I’m a bit worried that that’s why he’s upset, because I asked to come with him.  I don’t want to pry or to nose into things that aren’t my business. But I feel like Pax
is
my business.  And it’s killing me that something is tormenting him so much.  I just want to get it figured out so we can fix it. 

Pax glances at me again.  “Of course it’s okay if you come.  I just don’t know what to tell you to expect.  During the past two visits, Dr. Tyler has put me partially under to acclimate me to hypnosis, but it won’t be the same today.  Today I’ll be fully under and apparently I won’t be aware of my real surroundings.  If it works, I’ll be totally immersed in my memories.  So please tell me afterward if he makes me do anything dumbass, like act like a duck or something.”

I laugh and shake my head. “I’m pretty sure Dr. Tyler won’t do that.  I don’t know if the man has even laughed since 1985.”

Pax smiles now finally and I breathe a sigh of relief. 

“You’re probably right,” he agrees as he pulls up to the curb.  “I don’t think he’d know a prank if it punched him in the face.”

We climb out and walk up to the building through the snow.  Apparently, in addition to not having a sense of humor, Dr. Tyler also doesn’t like to snow-blow his walk.  He’s right on time today though and he meets us wearing his standard tan tweed jacket.

“It’s good to see you, Mila,” he tells me as he shakes my hand.  “It’s been a while.  Are you doing alright?”

I smile and nod.  “I’ve been doing fine. Thank you for asking.”

“And Pax,” Dr. Tyler says, turning toward Pax.  “How are you feeling today?”

“Frustrated,” Pax admits, his jaw clenching.  “I haven’t been sleeping.”

“Well, let’s see if we can get that straightened out for you,” the doctor says soothingly as he opens his notes.  “Do I have your permission to record this session, in case we want to review it later?”

Pax nods.  “Yes. That’s fine.”

Dr. Tyler smiles.  “Great.  Okay, as we discussed last week, Mila can’t be in the room with us as she could be a distraction.  She can sit in the adjacent room and watch the TV monitor in there.  Okay?”

Pax nods again and I lean up on my tip-toes to kiss his cheek.  “It will be okay,” I tell him firmly, squeezing his hand.  He smiles to hide his nervousness.

“Thanks, Red.  Just remember to watch for quackery.”  Dr. Tyler pretends not to hear that as he leads me from the room and gets me settled in the room next door.  

I sip the bottle of water in front of me and watch Pax and Dr. Tyler on the TV as they get settled into their chairs. Pax sprawls out in his normal way and the doctor sits with his legs crossed, his notepad balanced on his knee.

“Pax, are you ready?”