If You Had Controlling Parents (17 page)

Next: Why They Did It

The final chapters of Part Two will help you discover
why
your parents needed to exert such control over you. Doing so can help you make peace with your past.

T
he roots of your parents' control can often lie in events that occurred long before you were born. As one woman I interviewed said, “Knowing my mother's past allows me to feel less like a victim. Knowing her past means she isn't just this person who did mean things to me. It's what happened to her, and her mom, and her mom's mom.”

Controlling parents tend to be children of trauma
. Trauma is an unexpected or shocking event or series of events that threatens your life or some vital part of yourself. This is not to say that everyone who has experienced trauma will grow up to be controlling. Nor is it true that every controlling parent experienced early trauma. But two factors are markedly common:

a. Controlling parents tend to have suffered severe and often multiple traumas as children.

b. They got little or no help in facing the consequences of the trauma.

This combination of trauma without help can lead to overcontrol. Four kinds of trauma are especially wounding to children:

1. Loss of a parent
   : Physical loss through death or abandonment; emotional loss through marked emotional rejection or neglect.
   
2. Attacks
   : Repeated assaults through physical or sexual abuse or malignantly negative parenting.
   
3. Crises
   : Societal or family crises such as war, natural disaster, poverty, severe illness, or the death of a sibling or close relative.
   
4. Stress
   : Chronic long-term stressors such as having an alcoholic or mentally ill parent, long-standing marital discord, or unhealthy family roles.
   

Among the more than eighty controlling parents of those I interviewed, the incidence of trauma was striking (see Notes on Research on pp 241—242 for the sources of the statistics):

• One in five children who later became a controlling parent had a parent die during their childhood—four times the national estimate of one in twenty.
  
• One in three children who later became a controlling parent had a parent who abused alcohol or was alcoholic—twice the national estimate of one in six.
  
• One in three children who later became a controlling parent had a parent who suffered serious depression or mental illness—more than twice the national estimate of one in seven.
  
• One in three children who later became a controlling parent was physically or sexually abused—nearly twice the national estimate of one in five.
  
• One in two children who later became a controlling parent grew up highly controlled—nearly seven times the national estimate of one in thirteen.
  

These little souls who grew up to be controlling parents faced stunning pain and loss. Many were children of a world war, the Depression, or the Holocaust. Several were cruelly cut out of their parents' hearts, homes, or pocketbooks. Many faced grave illnesses or life-threatening physical injuries. Some were simply children of bad luck and damaging happenstance.

The optimal recovery from trauma involves adequate time and a safe setting in which to talk about a traumatic event and the feelings that come with it. That's why many people intuitively want to talk about their accident or hospital operation in endless, repetitive detail, as if it is essential that they tell the whole story. It
is
essential because sharing can allow trauma survivors to relive the trauma at their own pace, which allows them to regain control after having had normal control of their lives taken from them.

Paths to recovery from trauma, however, are invariably missing among the childhoods of those who become controlling parents.
Well-meaning but misguided adults tell them to “Keep a stiff upper lip,” depriving them of the chance to grieve over their losses. In socially isolated families, children lack anyone to talk with about their traumas, robbing them of the opportunity to receive compassion. In families that stress being perfect or avoiding showing weakness, traumatized children are blocked from working through the trauma. Among children with anxious or melancholy temperaments or who lack help in developing a sense of self-worth, trauma can take an even greater toll.

Underneath it all, trauma is about loss: loss of safety; loss of possessions; loss of love; loss of self. To a child, traumatic loss says:

People and things I need come and go unpredictably, and there is nothing I can do about it
.

I can be attacked at any moment for reasons I don't understand, and there is nothing I can do about it
.

Trauma victims who can't get help lose trust in a world in which people they care about are taken from them, in which people they depend on betray them, or in which disasters strike without warning. Controlling parents learn as children that it is risky to care about others because those they care about leave them or hurt them.

Lacking trust and expecting further losses, traumatized children's emotional growth may be stunted, leaving them with only a child's feelings and behaviors. As these children grow up, they may develop a philosophy of life that explains why they must control.

To an infant, the primary caregiver seems the source of everything: pleasure and pain, gratification and delay of gratification. As children mature, they require a parental balance of autonomy and closeness in order to learn that they can have an impact on the world and not be at the mercy of it. When a chief caregiver doesn't do a good job or traumatic circumstances interfere, children can grow up feeling that they will be annihilated by any form of abandonment or smothered by too much closeness.

Even as adults, our relations with others can be deeply influenced by what we didn't get, or got too much of, as children. We may tend to see the key people in our lives with the same distortions as our chief caregivers. If we felt deprived as children, our lives may be driven by striving for gratification from those around us. Alternately, we may give up and remain aloof because we are convinced we won't get any gratification at all. If we felt repeatedly threatened as infants, we may view those closest to us—spouse, children, boss, and/or friends—as potential annihilators.

Thus, parents who never felt
seen
as children may compel themselves to replay childhood dramas, insisting on being the center of attention, growing furious if admiration is not forthcoming. Parents who as children were smothered with malignant attention may find intimacy life-threatening. Parents who as children felt overridden may be terrified of being controlled as adults and, consequently, may adopt a stubborn, unreachable posture. They are likely, in any event, to experience difficulty in tolerating their own children's efforts to individuate.

Hellos and good-byes can be particularly difficult for some controlling parents. They may shake hands or hug awkwardly, if at all. Their first words when seeing you or others may be a sarcastic remark or a question that puts you on the defensive. Their demeanor may be strangely distant, happy-faced, or otherwise “out of synch” with the occasion—all reflecting their fear of losing their sense of self as others draw near or move away. Such controlling parents, gripped by the losses of their youth, may move into a world of projections and non-reality. They'll perceive others in a limited range of roles, such as threat, servant, or object. They'll remain constantly on guard and react to stress primarily with a child's emotional repertoire: tantrums, sulking, bullying, or selfishness. They'll do anything to avoid recognizing what healthier adults realize:
Life offers no guarantees of safety or happiness; wanting something doesn't necessarily mean you will get it; fearing something doesn't necessarily mean it will happen
—and they will live their lives and raise their children as if none of these realities exist.

Misguided Beliefs

Because they were traumatized and need to dominate, many controlling parents, consciously or unwittingly, tend to hold two beliefs:

1. I
   own
   my children.
   
2. My children
   owe
   me.
   

Of course, these beliefs aren't confined just to controlling parents. Many of us believe that children owe their parents respect, loyalty, and gratitude. Societies and religions foster these beliefs. Most of us were raised with them.

I offer a different view for your consideration:

Children owe their parents nothing simply because they are their parents.

Most of us love and respect our parents. It's natural to be thankful to the people who created and raised you, to be loyal to, approve of, and admire them. But while these feelings are natural, they are not debts. It's not a child's responsibility to pay in emotional currency for the right to exist.

Parents choose to be parents. Perhaps that choice is not thoroughly thought out or is made for the wrong reasons, but it's a choice nonetheless. Children, on the other hand, don't choose to be born.

Parenting, for all its hardships, has plenty of built-in rewards. Parents get to love deeply, receive love, express affection, and learn about themselves, life, and the world. Parents help a being come from nothingness to become a successful human. Parents can laugh, enjoy, play, revisit their childhood interests, and contribute to the world. Loving a child is its own reward. Being loved by a child is a special gift unlike any on earth. But with the choice of parenting comes the responsibility of learning how to raise children well.

All parents want to be appreciated by their children. Healthier parents recognize that appreciation is a gift their children
may
give, not something they
must
give. Healthier mothers and fathers may crave their children's love, respect, approval, and loyalty, but generally recognize that things like respect and approval must be earned by parents as well as by children.

Controlling parents, however, don't seem to know that truth. If they felt they had to earn their own parents' love, they may feel entitled to their children's love. In controlling families, need is stronger than love. Controlling parents need, expect, even command their children to love, appreciate, admire, listen to, and reflect well on them. Because controlling parents believe they own their children, they feel justified in such expectations.

Discovering Why Your Parents Controlled You

By better understanding your parents, you may achieve even more insight into their actions and character than they have about themselves. Granted, there is something inherently uncomfortable about having access to information our parents don't; it reverses the normal family roles in which parents know much that children do not. However, knowing more about your parents' pasts and deeply understanding them will benefit you in two ways:

1. It will allow you to deconstruct any larger-than-life or all-or-nothing beliefs and illusions you have unwittingly adopted about your parents or family.
   
2. It will help you actually see the roots of the distorted messages about yourself and others that your internalized parents send you.
   

As a family therapist, one of my first tasks is to generate hypotheses about why each family I see has the problems its members are seeking to fix. Part of my crucial and creative early work, then, is to gather enough information to generate these hypotheses, which often contradict each other. However, over time, one or more of these hypotheses will become especially compelling.

For example, when a family comes in with a child who is suddenly getting poor grades in school, I contemplate several factors. Did a recent change in the family upset the child? Are the parents getting along? Is the child getting clear limits along with positive attention? Is there drug or alcohol abuse, physical or sexual abuse in the home? Does the child suffer from a medical condition or learning disability? How are the parents reacting to the bad grades? How did the parents themselves do in school? How are siblings performing academically? Did something upsetting happen at school or among the child's circle of friends? Is the child or any family member depressed?

To explore these questions, I adopt a pose family therapists describe as “joining,” in which I become a temporary member so I can see the family's world as they do. You may similarly find it useful to join your parents' world in order to generate hypotheses about why they controlled you. Of course, the idea of joining your parents' world may spark mixed feelings. You may want to know the reasons behind their confusing behavior. Yet after years of trying to make sense of your parents' actions or making allowances for them, you may feel ambivalent about continuing to do so. But remember, joining your parents' world is only temporary; it's a visit, not a merger. Visiting their world doesn't mean you condone their damaging control nor does it take away your right to feel angry, sad, or frustrated. But by joining, you may discover insights about your upbringing that can help you heal the wounds created there.

Seeing how your parents suffered as children may make you feel guilty for any feelings of anger about how you were controlled. This may not be rational, but it's a common feeling. Our parents
did
suffer. They were wounded as children. It wasn't their fault. Their unhealed wounds left them to parent in ways that wounded us. That wasn't their fault either.

At the same time, knowing that your parents suffered doesn't minimize what they did to you, how it made you feel, and what it may still be costing you. Just because your parents suffered doesn't mean your anger isn't justified. You may also feel compassion, sympathy, and grief for them even though they hurt you. By seeing how your parents were wounded as children, as well as seeing how they may have wounded you, you expand your ability to hold more than one “truth.” Holding both truths and denying neither can be one of the most difficult dilemmas facing those who grew up controlled. It violates the all-or-nothing thinking of controlling families. It opens the door to questions and uncertainty. And it will make you stronger.