If We Kiss (20 page)

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kiss me again

We stared into each other’s eyes for a few more long seconds. He sucked in on his lips, like he wanted to taste them. I tried not to look at his lips and simultaneously tried to hold back the growing dread inside me that maybe kissing his forehead was a weird thing to do. Subtly but deeply weird. Like wearing a polo shirt buttoned all the way up.

A hint of a smile tipped up a corner of his mouth.

It occurred to me that maybe I had accidentally said the thing about the polo shirt out loud, or that maybe he could read my mind. Or, maybe, that he just wanted to smile because he was looking at me.

That thought made my fingers all go numb. They hung like sausages from my hands. I sent up a silent prayer that he would not notice them and back away, horrified, shrieking, “Ack! Sausage fingers!”

I decided to say a quick, firm
good night
so he would get the hint and leave my room before I humiliated myself further or started cracking myself up at the weirdness of this whole mess, but my mouth clearly did not get the memo because instead it just mirrored the semi-smile on Kevin’s mouth.

“So . . .” he breathed.

“Mmm,” I answered, meaning
mmm-hmm
, as in
yes
, like,
wow this is awkward
. But the
hmm
of the
mmm-hmm
got cut off, which made it more like a hum, more like
mmm
,
yes this is good
.

He reached toward my head and touched a piece of hair that had sprung out of a twist. He twirled it around his finger. Which was a problem because I am apparently allergic to Kevin Lazarus twirling a piece of my hair. It makes breathing very difficult for me. Also, retaining my coordination enough to remain standing. Also, thinking.

“I kissed George today,” I blurted, surprising us both.

“Okay,” Kevin said. He still kept ahold of that piece of my hair. I made sure my head stayed still so it wouldn’t get yanked out of his fingers.

“At the wedding,” I for some reason felt the need to add.

“I figured.”

“But we’re not going out or anything,” I said. “Officially. Not that . . .”

“Charlie,” he whispered, and just at that exact moment my knees dissolved. He caught my chin with his upturned right palm and moved it toward his face.

I felt the heat even more than the texture of his lips on mine.

My eyes closed.

I didn’t think
no, no, no, I cannot be kissing this boy.

I didn’t think
wow I really like kissing Kevin Lazarus.

I didn’t, for once, think anything.

I just felt the light heat of my lips and Kevin’s lips, barely but definitely, meltingly, touching.

My eyes, opening slowly, met his.

“Good night,” he whispered.

“Yeah,” I whispered back.

His thumb swiped lightly down my cheek before he turned around and walked down the hall. I stayed right where I was, not moving or, well, possibly swaying slightly in the swirly air currents he had caused by walking away.

When he got to his door, he turned his face partway back to me. The smile on his mouth bloomed slowly. I watched it spread across the lips I’d just been kissing and, with supreme willpower, didn’t either fall down or follow him into his room to mash my face against his.

“See you in the morning,” he whispered.

“Yeah.”

And then, because the other choice was a Very Bad one, and my one remaining working brain cell fired, I turned around and dashed to my bed.

But I didn’t close my door.

I spent the next few hours, with my heart pounding, staring at that open space, shackling my wrists with my top sheet to keep me pinned right there and warning myself that terrible fates would crash down on me if I made one move toward that open door.

Acknowledgments

Many thanks to Amy Berkower, Abby McAden, Elise Howard, Sarah Heller, and Magda Lendzion—without you there would truly be no book and, let’s be honest, an acknowledgment page with no book after it is a silly thing. When I venture out from my desk into the world, I find myself surrounded by both brilliance and kindness thanks to the good people of the Author’s Guild, my cool nieces and nephews, my extraordinary friends, and especially my wonderful parents. I am indebted to readers who have shared insights with me, and to Judy Blume, for her inspiration, generosity, and friendship. A special thanks to my teachers and to my kids’ teachers: I am learning from you still. And more than I can ever say, I thank the three guys I live with, for their poetry and support, their grace and their love.

In loving memory of Paula Danziger: The world is less glittery without you.

Praise for
If We Kiss

“Amazing what one kiss can do.”

—
Kirkus Reviews

“Vail proves that first love is anything but simple and sweet. Her razor-sharp wit will keep readers turning pages.”

—
Publishers Weekly

“Very appealing. Charlie is much funnier and more knowing than any ninth-grader on the planet.”

—ALA
Booklist

“Absolutely believable. Vail demonstrates her usual knack for getting to the heart of an emotional quandary.”

—
BCCB

“Vail has created a story that will resonate with teen girls everywhere.”

—
KLIATT

Other Books by Rachel Vail

The Avery sisters trilogy

LUCKY

GORGEOUS

BRILLIANT

NEVER MIND!

IF WE KISS

YOU, MAYBE:
The Profound Asymmetry of Love in High School

JUSTIN CASE:
School, Drool, and Other Daily Disasters

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Copyright

HarperTeen is an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.

If We Kiss

Copyright © 2005 by Rachel Vail

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks.

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