If the Shoe Fits (19 page)

“Only when they're in the car,” whispered Eleanor back. “Honestly, they're like Grumpy and Grumpier when they get into a car. Best to ignore them.”

At this point, Jake uttered a particularly loud expletive which made Eleanor stifle a snort.

“No wonder you swear like a sailor,” said Muse. “I'm going to have to give those boys some lessons when we get back.”

“What are you whispering about back there?” said Jake suddenly.

“Muse would like to teach you some manners,” said Eleanor truthfully.

“You need help to overcome your obvious urges for swearing,” added Muse. “It's disgraceful to hear what comes out of your mouths. I bet your mothers spent hundreds of hours washing your mouths out with soap.”

“Bloody hell,” said Jake.

“I told you she didn't like swearing,” said Eleanor.

After that, the car was silent.

• • •

They arrived at Gretna Green a little after seven o'clock. Muse immediately got out of the car and searched for a spot to relieve herself, while Jake got out and stretched his legs.

“Ella, you stay here with the car while I try to find a cafe or something,” said Danny. “I need coffee.”

Jake saluted Eleanor and joined Danny in his search for refreshments, while Eleanor tentatively stepped out of the car and looked around.

“It's lovely up here,” she said to Muse, who had just arrived back at the car. “You can see why people come here to get married.”

The village was indeed very picturesque. They appeared to be on some sort of high street, though it was tiny compared to Cardiff's standards. The whitewashed buildings were old-fashioned, but in a good way. It was like stepping into the past. Eleanor breathed in the fresh air and sat down in the car again, her feet dangling through the open door.

“We shouldn't have too much trouble finding my dad,” she said to the cat. “There can't be that many B&Bs around here,
or
hotels.”

“Yes, that'll be the easy part, tracking them down. The hard part will be stopping the wedding. We'll need to intercept them before they get to the registry office; once they're inside, it'll be too late. The people here love their reputation of stress-free weddings, they won't allow a couple of bawdy men and a Taff girl to intervene.”

Not to mention a talking cat,
thought Eleanor.

“What do you suggest?” she asked.

“Best to find out exactly where they are staying. If we can get to them before they set off, we have a good chance of stopping them. We'll just need to make sure we get your father away from that awful woman. We'll kidnap him if we have to.”

“Wow, kidnapped twice in two days! Poor Dad.”

A loud tapping on the top of the car's roof made Eleanor jump.

“Come on, there's a cafe around the corner,” said Danny. “Jake's ordered you a full breakfast.”

Eleanor's stomach rumbled pleasantly at the thought, and she picked up Muse and made to get out of the car.

“Um, I don't think they have a cat's menu,” said Danny uncomfortably.

“Put me down, Ella dear, and open up another of those pâtés for me.”

“You won't wander off, will you?” asked Eleanor worriedly.

“Don't be silly. Anyway, this place is so small, I'm hardly likely to get lost now, am I? Go. Enjoy your breakfast. I'll have a bite to eat, then I'll take a look around. I'll see if I can find the place where your dad's staying.”

“Meet us back here in half an hour, then,” said Eleanor grudgingly.

Danny snorted.

“What?” asked Eleanor, glaring at her friend.

“I don't see your cat wearing a watch,” he pointed out.

“There's a rather large clock tower a little way over there,” sniffed Muse. “I am quite capable of telling the time.”

“Of course you are,” said Danny. “Silly me.”

“I think Danny's still having some adjustment problems,” stage-whispered Eleanor.

“Is that what they call them?” said Muse, throwing Danny a haughty glare before jumping into the car.

“That cat gives me the creeps,” muttered Danny, watching Eleanor dutifully open another tub of pâté and pour some water into the already empty tub from the journey. Eleanor placed the cat's makeshift meal on the curb side, and locked the car door behind her.

“Half an hour,” she said to the cat warningly.

The cat pricked her ears a little but offered no further response.

The full plate of eggs, bacon, sausages and hash browns did wonders for Eleanor's entire attitude towards the day's problems. She'd done her best to stay upbeat, but she truthfully had more than a few concerns about the next few hours. Now, stomach filled, she was ready for battle.

“Two hours until lift-off,” she said bracingly, drinking the dregs of her second cup of tea.

Jake paid the bill while Danny visited the men's room, allowing Eleanor to realize with a start that she was still wearing the same clothes as the day before.

“Crap, I must look like hell. I seriously cannot face that woman looking like this,” she said to Jake, pointing at her woefully creased tracksuit.

“Hmm, I see your point,” agreed Jake. “Agatha's always struck me as someone who wouldn't deal with anyone who wasn't dressed
appropriately
. Whatever that means.”

“Well, I came as I am,” declared Eleanor glumly, “so I'll need to buy something. Do you think there'll be any clothes shops around here?”

“I'll ask the waitress,” said Jake. “Ah, here's Danny. Perhaps I should ask about clothes for all of us. We're all looking a bit bedraggled,” he added ruefully.

Armed with the information about a little shop a few minutes' walk away, Eleanor dragged her two friends back to the car so that they could confer with Muse. The cat sauntered up to them just as the clock was striking eight. Muse pointedly glanced at Danny and twitched her whiskers a little.

“Honestly, that cat doesn't
need
to talk, I already know what she's thinking,” said Danny.

“Any luck?” asked Eleanor hopefully.

“Yes, as a matter of fact. There's a few bed and breakfast establishments all along that road,” said Muse, nodding to her left. “I wasn't sure where to start, but I thought the one called
Prince Charlie's Cottages
sounded perfectly serendipitous. I was correct in my assumption, of course.”

“You found them?” said Jake, looking impressed.

“Oh yes,” replied Muse. “It was rather easy, actually. The front desk was empty, and the registration book was laying there ready for just anyone to read it. It took barely a minute to find your father's name. The silly woman booked it under ‘Gibson'. No imagination there at all. I noted the room number and slipped up the stairs unnoticed. Once again, luck was on my side because, as I approached the room, a maid was taking a tea tray to them. I poked my head through the door, and I saw your father with my own two eyes.”

“Ew, she probably seduced him or something,” said Eleanor, sticking two fingers in her mouth.

“Ella, dear,” said Muse disapprovingly.

“Sorry.”

“They'll be busy with dressing and breakfast and what-not for the next hour, so we have time to plan our strategy,” continued the cat. “Any ideas?”

“Apart from strangling Christie?” asked Eleanor darkly.

“Before anything else, we're off to buy a change of clothes,” said Jake. “We'll feel better able to deal with Agatha if we look our best.”

“Who's Agatha?” asked Muse, blinking in confusion.

“Christie,” said Eleanor automatically. “You know, Agatha Christie? Jake's little idea of amusement. Christie hates it.”

“Maybe he's not as stupid as I thought,” remarked Muse.

Jake ignored the cat and dragged Danny and Eleanor towards the high street. The shop that had been recommended wasn't really a shop at all. The waitress, having been asked more than a few times about a place to get clothing at short notice, had given directions to a house where a Mrs. Douglas lived. Apparently she kept a stock of emergency clothing that she hired out to passing couples who had arrived at Gretna Green with little more than the clothes they were wearing.

Half an hour later, Eleanor wasn't sure whether she should laugh or cry. True, she looked a hundred times better than before her visit to old Mrs. Douglas — who had turned out to be a tiny widow with badly fitting dentures and a tendency to say ‘och' every few seconds — but when she had pictured herself facing off against her ex-stepmother, she had envisioned herself in perhaps a tailored pair of trousers and business-type blouse.

“You look wonderful, sweetie,” said Jake. “I don't know why you're frowning at all.”

“I'm wearing a wedding dress, Jake,” stated Eleanor. “I feel stupid.”

“You got the better end of the deal,” said Danny darkly.

“You both look gorgeous,” said Eleanor. “And honestly, we're in Scotland, it's not as if you'll look out of place. Half the men are probably wearing kilts.”

Privately, Eleanor thought the Scottish look suited both of her friends. The formal jacket and tie coupled with a tartan kilt made her friends look even more handsome than they normally did.

“Are you … you know?” Eleanor gestured to their kilts and raised an eyebrow.

“No,” said Danny, somewhat indignantly. “Mrs. Douglas told us it wasn't the done thing. She glared at us until we handed over our unmentionables. Quite embarrassing, actually.”

Eleanor stifled a snort, then looked down at her dress. Her amusement faded. Mrs. Douglas wasn't an easy woman to put off, and despite Eleanor's copious refusals, she had been divested of her tracksuit and practically forced into possibly the frothiest dress she had ever seen in her entire life.

“Come on,” said Danny. “Let's get you back to the car. I have my stuff with me, which is fortunate because your head doesn't match your body.”

Eleanor shrugged her shoulders and rolled her eyes. Really, what was the use of arguing at this point?

• • •

Danny's reputation as the best make-up artist in Wales was not undeserved. Within ten minutes he had transformed Eleanor's bare face into a picture of perfection. He was also pretty deft with hair, and Eleanor's mass of frizz was soon tamed into something approaching elegance.

Remembering Danny's previous attempts at making her over, Eleanor was slightly worried about the outcome of her friend's ministrations, but a searching look in the car's wing mirror showed not even a hint of Rocky Horror-ness.

“Blimey,” said Eleanor faintly.

Danny smiled smugly as he put his things away, and winked at Jake behind Eleanor's back.

“I have to admit, I'm sort of glad you brought the Ugly Sisters with you,” said Muse. “You're looking a lot more like I think you should at the moment.”

“
Ugly sisters?
” spluttered Jake.

“Oh God,” said Eleanor, rolling her eyes. “You'll be telling them about Prince Charming next.”

“Ooh,
do
tell!” said Danny with more than a little interest.

“Aren't you in the least offended at being called an ugly sister?” asked Jake.

“Sticks and stones,” dismissed Danny, waving a hand. “But I
am
interested in this Prince Charming. You are, of course, referring to our lovely new boss, aren't you?”

In his excitement, Danny seemed to have forgotten that he was slightly freaked out by a talking feline. He picked up Muse and took her into the back of the car.

“Now, my little puss, tell me
all
.”

“Um, do you want to fill me in?” said Jake quietly.

“Still not sure about a vocal cat, are you?” asked Eleanor dryly.

Soon everyone was brought up to speed, amid much whooping, nudging and winking, by which time Muse had managed to fully convert Danny into an ally. Jake was equally enthusiastic about setting Eleanor up with Cardiff Mode's boss.

“He'll definitely want to sack me after today,” he explained. “I didn't even call in sick. You have to get together with him. Butter him up, put in a good word for me, you know.”

“I am not hooking up with Max Charming simply to keep you in employment, Jake.”

“Of course not, sweetie. I know you wouldn't get naked with just
anybody
.”

“Ella is not
getting naked
with anyone,” said Muse primly. “The aim is marriage. Nothing less. All clothing is to remain firmly attached to the body until a nice, golden ring gets placed on Ella's finger.”

“Speaking of weddings, don't we have one to stop in about half an hour?” asked Danny, sensing a sudden chill in the atmosphere.

“Crap! We'd better get a move on,” said Eleanor, picking up the layers of silk that were trailing at her feet.

“Ella!
Running shoes?
” cried Muse in alarm. Apparently, unsuitable footwear outranked swearing by a long shot as a subject to be lectured on.

“Mrs. Douglas doesn't provide shoes,” said Eleanor. “And besides, I don't think I could walk in anything else. My foot still hasn't recovered from yesterday's battering.”

“Well, for goodness sake, make sure nobody sees them,” said Muse. “They quite spoil the overall effect.”

“You know,” said Danny, as he scooped up Muse. “I'm really starting to get rather fond of your cat, Ella. She knows what she's talking about, this one.”

Ella learned it was very hard to sneak up a street when she was wearing a very frothy wedding dress, and was accompanied by two strapping men sporting kilts. Especially seeing as the wind had suddenly picked up. Jake and Danny literally had their hands full with trying to keep their personal “bits” from being displayed to the entire population of Gretna Green, who had, bizarrely, suddenly appeared from all directions.