If Someone Says "You Complete Me," RUN! (13 page)

On the emotional side, marriages can turn into business arrangements, or friendships, or companionship, and the sex fades away. I often hear from women that they get mad at the man for whatever reason; he did something they didn’t like and so they hold a grudge and they withhold sex. They get resentful, or they have
babies. The men always complain, “You had a baby and now you love the baby more than you love me.” You’re like, “Yes, that’s true.”

Or the man loses his job and the woman gets pissed off. So she thinks, “I’m mad at you, so I’m not having sex with you.” Sometimes it’s not necessarily conscious, it just happens.

Or they spend the time talking about paying the bills or who is taking the kids to school, all that mundane stuff that makes up a marriage, and the sex gets lost.

Or everyone is just exhausted. There are so many things that married people have to do that prevent them from spending days in bed together.

That is different than when sex dies because your vagina changes or somebody’s penis changes. Sex is killed when you can’t do it anymore because it doesn’t work the way you want it to. Sometimes, for the woman, it just hurts. And for the man, he can’t get it up anymore. These things can happen with age. If you know you’re going through the Change, tell your partner so that he can understand what’s happening so that he can go through it with you. You can find different ways to enjoy one another.

Oftentimes the partner’s affection for the other person doesn’t go. Sometimes it’s just that you don’t want to climb on somebody. You’re just not in the mood, but it
doesn’t mean you wouldn’t go for a little cuddling. Any kind of affection is sex to me, and all affection is sex once you’re married.

So if you’re in communication with each other and things are changing, or your body is changing, or you feel different, you should be able to work through this with the person you’re with and say, “Here is what’s happening to me,” and not be afraid he is never going to talk to you or never going to want you again. You have to put it on the table.

It seems like a lot of marriages break up when one of the partners is around fifty. Well, forty-five to fifty-five. And a lot of the time I think it’s because of menopause or perimenopause. The woman’s testosterone goes higher, and the man’s estrogen goes higher. There is this shift. It’s like being a teenager again, but instead of increasing your sex drive, it messes it up. Shit changes, but nobody talks about it.

Again, speak up. Women need to say, “Here are the issues I think are going to be in my life because I am changing. So you should know it has nothing to do with me not wanting to be with you, but there are physical things that are happening.” And then you do what you can to keep it going. But you also have to be honest and say, “I don’t feel like I want to do it as often as I used
to.” People don’t have these conversations enough, but they are important. If you’re not talking, then everything comes as a surprise and bad feelings come up.

Men also need to step up and say, “I don’t know; it doesn’t get hard the way it used to. I don’t know what’s happening.” Men often worry that this makes them less of a man. But it doesn’t, it just means something is going on. If you can’t tell your partner something is going on, then what’s the point of being with her?

With men, sometimes it’s the prostate as they get older, and sometimes it’s just a drop in testosterone. People don’t talk about men’s hormones, but they do exist. You want to get to a point in your relationship where the guy can say, “This is what’s going on. Let’s go to the doctor and figure this out. Because I want to do it, but I just can’t seem to get it up. It has nothing to do with you, but I am frustrated.”

As I’ve said, all this communication with your partner is really important because it gives you insight. You have to allow yourself to hear what’s happening without making it about you, because it’s not always about you—usually it’s not about you at all. If you can have the conversation, you’re ahead of the game, because you find ways to compensate. You can say, “Okay, so we’re not able to play stick-in-the-donut. But we can, you know, rub up against each other in the elevator when nobody is looking.” There are things you can do to continue that part
of life and enjoy it. It’s not just about getting on top of somebody. It’s about the emotional connection that you have, and figuring out how the two of you are going to physically connect. There are lots of ways to do it. You have to be intelligent and straight about it.

Men can take Viagra. For women it’s not as easy. The FDA recently approved a new drug that people are calling women’s Viagra. But the thing is, it doesn’t make you want to have sex; it only makes you moist. So supposedly it makes it easier to have sex. But there are side effects, and it’s a pill you have to take every day. So the jury is still out.

Then there’s lube, but you have to be careful with that stuff. Some of it can be toxic, and some people’s bodies can’t take it. You have to really try to figure it out together. I have a friend who tried some lube, and she got the biggest rash. Somehow it triggered a reaction with the guy, and he passed it on to her. She also did some research and told me the stuff they use to lube condoms has Nonoxynol-9 in it, which is what they used to use in World War II to clean airplanes. It’s like Coca-Cola: it will take the rust off a car. Why are you putting that there? If you don’t know what’s in this stuff, it can hurt you, so you have to educate yourself, do your research, and figure it out together. There’s no one answer for everyone.

O
ne question I hear from time to time is “How do you know when to pursue sex with somebody?” I don’t think they’re asking about the “don’t have sex until the third date” rule. I think they’re asking, “How do you know if you want to have a sexual relationship with someone?” Some people might say, “Isn’t it obvious?” No, not always. We’re human, so like everything else we’ve talked about, there’s no one easy answer.

We know from these long-term marriages that there can be strong love without sex. We also know it from how we interact with people every day. Listen, I have loved so
many men whom I’ve had no desire to have sex with. If I were to have sex with them, it would change everything. It’s not money that changes everything, Cyndi Lauper, it’s sex.

Sex changes everything.

Sex makes people nuts.

Sex makes people possessive.

Sex makes people boastful.

Sex makes people lie.

Sex makes people turn into assholes and bitches.

Because, for some reason, as we talked about earlier, the mythology of a relationship says that sex lasts with one person and one person only, and it lasts forever, and that you should not want any deviation from that. You’re not supposed to see anyone else as a sexual being. You’re not supposed to have lustful thoughts in your heart. It’s terrible. Sexual desire becomes like a jail. I base my opinion here on my own relationships. I have been there and done that.

I’m a really sexual person. I really, really am. I’m not so much now, because I’ve come into my own, and I realize what’s right for me. Still, I have not avoided booty calls when they have presented themselves, and I’ve made a phone call or two here and there. In my experience, though, sex makes people nuts. There are so many beautiful people in the world that sometimes
you look over at someone and he just gives you a little tingle, like Tinker Bell.

If you admit this, people immediately get very uptight with you.

“Why do you have that smile on your face?”

“What are you looking at?”

“What are you doing?”

It’s like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, he’s hot. I just got a little moist. It doesn’t mean I’m not moist for you.”

Somehow, when you’re in a relationship—even if it’s the beginning—and it looks like you’re going to become sexual partners, you need to discuss how it relates to the other people in your life. A little while ago on
The View
we talked about the idea of not being able to have friends of the opposite sex, which I think is insane. Somebody who was recently on the show said, “You know, my husband gets so nervous whenever I’m around other men. He doesn’t realize I’m looking at him with everything that we’ve always had, but there are beautiful people in the world, and I can’t get him to understand that it’s not a threat.”

This ridiculousness of men and women not being able to be friends boggles my mind. I have so many friends who say, “If my partner speaks to a girl, or has girlfriends, I don’t like that; I should be enough.” Or guys will say, “She has too many male friends. I don’t like that; I should
be enough.” Well, you’re not. People need to have friends. Men need to have women friends, if only to teach them that not every woman is a sex object for them. Men have to know how to be friends with women. Women have to know how to be friends with men. Not just gay men, ladies. You have to know how to be friends with hot, gorgeous men so you can secretly say to yourself, “Boy, I would gnaw on that leg if I had a hot minute, but that’s not what we are. That’s not what our friendship is.” You must be able to have that. Men and women have a lot to learn from one another, and being friends is a great way to do it.

Now some people might say, “You don’t think that with men and women, even in friendships, that sex is hanging over them at all times? Isn’t there this potential thing that is going to get in the way? And even if you are not attracted to someone aren’t men just dogs who are always going to try?” I can tell you that I have male friends that I would never, ever consider having sex with. Let’s put it this way: let’s liken straight men and women being friends to gay people being friends with other gay people of the same sex. If sex and attraction were always hanging over every friendship, then every lesbian couldn’t have female friends and every gay guy could never have guy friends—which is ridiculous.

That comparison alone takes the teeth out of the bullshit of that argument. What’s really going on is that
most people don’t trust their mates. That’s the problem. If you don’t trust the person you’re with, there are bigger issues there. Much bigger issues.

If you are so paranoid and think that if he talks to another woman he is going to run off with her, there’s something wrong, and you two should be talking about that. You should explain why this is a problem for you. Why is it that you can’t let your guy talk to another woman? You think it’s because all women are just waiting to steal your man? Or your guy won’t let you talk to another guy because that kind of guy, he is just going to come and steal you and take you away? You can’t have that shit.

It’s one of the things that drives me crazy on the show. Women would say, “No, he can’t have any women friends.” And I would ask, “Well, what, you don’t trust him?” They would say, “No, I don’t trust
her
.” It’s like, but that’s your friend.

I find it extraordinary. With all my male friends, their wives and girlfriends know I’m their friend. I will call a male friend—I won’t call at stupid hours, like you do when somebody is living by himself—but I’ll call and see how he’s doing, and all that stuff, and suggest we go out, and of course that he invite his old lady.

I have a friend who is one of the most beautiful men who I have ever seen who also wanted to be my friend. And I was like, “Really?” He was like, “Yeah.” “Okay,” I
said. Then I met his old lady, who is equally beautiful, and she knows that he will go walking down the street and women will fall out of trees. They just fall right in front of him. She is totally aware that this happens. But she is not afraid, because she knows him. She knows that’s he’s not going to be catching all these women falling out of the trees. That’s not who he is. That is her knowledge. That is her belief. He doesn’t stray, and she doesn’t sweat it at all. It is one of the best relationships I have ever seen.

Jealousy
, that’s the word. You cannot have jealousy present in the relationship. You can feel a little jealous sometimes. It happens. When you see somebody who is really hot standing a little too close to your partner, don’t just stand there getting upset. Walk on over and stand next to them and smile and be part of the conversation until you get bored and walk away. Then your partner eventually comes to find you. If your partner doesn’t come to find you, you have a problem. Unless the conversation was so good they just kept talking. It doesn’t mean he is leaving you. It just means they had a great conversation. Did they exchange e-mails? It’s possible. But you should be able to tell your partner, “She was quite interesting. She runs the UN.” Or “He dives for pearls and is a philosophy major” without having them feel threatened. These are interesting people, but it doesn’t mean you are interested in them sexually. It
just means you’re interested in them, and you should be interested in interesting people. That should not be something that you avoid because your partner is going to be jealous and think you are going to run off with one of them. That’s not a good thing.

So, men and women, you can have a hot, young friend who doesn’t have sex with you. It’s okay. You can have a hot young friend. It’s just the way it is.

Women, when you see a hot, young guy whom you like, who is interesting, and think, “If I weren’t married and that person weren’t married, and we were on Mars… well, who knows what would happen.” Not a problem. You can have relationships and friendships—and I should make the distinction when I say “relationships.” You can have friendships with people you are not involved with. You should be able to. Male or female. Gay or straight.

I have a good time with the people I love. The people I love are the people I love, and I am much better now with my relationships because I learned that I can like you or love you and not have sex with you. Great. And you get to stay my friend. How wonderful. This is important.

A lot of the times when women are good friends with a guy, when they have a connection, they come to the conclusion that sex is the next step. But it isn’t always. A girlfriend of mine met a guy who loved the same old movies and indie films, so they started going to movies
together. Then they would go sit in a café and talk and talk. They developed an amazing connection. She wasn’t necessarily attracted to him physically, but she thought maybe they were in love and should have sex. So they did, and it was a disaster. It wasn’t meant to be. Fortunately they were able to get over that and laugh about it and stay friends. They probably shouldn’t have tried the sex to begin with, because why make a wonderful thing more complicated than it needs to be? They had a great connection, and she should have just been happy with that. That friendship has lasted longer than any of her lovers, by the way.

Sometimes we forget how to be friends, especially with the people who are also our lovers. We just don’t communicate enough. You know how your personality is, so let me know that. If someone hurts your feelings, what’s your response going to be? Are you a jealous person going in? Are you the type to think, “I suffer from jealousy and I don’t want to see you looking at anybody else.” I have to know that up front. And then I can decide, “Do I want to be with this person? Yes, it’s worth it.” Or “No, it’s not.”

If you can communicate about that, then you can communicate about other important things. You should be able to say, “Oh, I don’t like that you said that. That really bothered me that you said that.” Or “That really hurt my feelings.” He should say, “I’m really sorry.” That
way these things get resolved up front and everyone knows where everyone else stands.

You should be open, be yourself, express your feelings and be friends. If you’re friends with someone and he says something that hurts your feelings, you would be able to tell your friend. Why wouldn’t you want that in a relationship, too?

What I’m hoping is that people will take a little more time to figure out if the person they are with is someone they want to be with. Not that they
need
to be with or they think they should be with. But that they actually
want
to be with. Is this somebody I will not mind hanging out in the park with? Can I walk down the street and hum with him? Can we have a good time together? Can I tell him the truth? Can I say, “This is what hurts me,” or “This is what makes me happy.” Can I say that to this person?

In a relationship, it’s important to say these things about one another. It’s crucial. You hear other people say mean stuff or hurtful stuff to one another and you think to yourself, “Why is he talking to her like that?” or “Why is she talking to him like that?” You know when the words being spoken between people aren’t nice. When they are meant to hurt or are disrespectful or dismissive. When you hear it, you think, “We’ll that’s kind of shitty. That’s not a healthy relationship.” And you think, “If we were friends, would you be talking to me like that?” I think
it’s an important question. Are we friends? Are you going to talk to me like a friend? It’s something people don’t pay enough attention to.

I believe in soul mates, but I don’t believe that you have to have sex with your soul mate or that you have to marry your soul mate. But let me ask you, what does that mean, to have a soul mate? It’s a connection. And it can mean different things to different people. There isn’t one hard and fast definition. And I think you can have a lot of soul mates; there isn’t necessarily just one.

I have four soul mates right now. They are people for whom I would give my life. But I wouldn’t have them come live with me in my house. I don’t want to marry them. They are married to other people anyway, thank God, so they don’t want that, either. Theirs are relationships that have endured many wives and husbands, and all those people came to terms with the fact that I’m here, and I’m friends with their spouses. Everybody involved knows I’m not going to run off with their husband. I’m not going to take. I’m not going to touch. But this person, your partner, has been my friend for a long time, longer than you’ve been together. You will have to deal with it. Periodically, I’m going to call. I will be respectful. That’s what friends do.

So a soul mate is not necessarily a person who you would go run off with, or marry. It’s just great to have someone who can talk to you without judgment, some
one who cares about you and accepts you just the way you are.

The word
soul mate
means different things to different people. Besides, we connect with different people for different reasons. Only you will know what a soul mate feels like. You may have to cop to the fact that your soul mate doesn’t look the way you think he should. So when you find him, you go, “Oh, my God. It’s
you
?”

A lot of people think there is just one soul mate in the world for them and spend their lives looking for him or her. They think if they try hard enough, they will find “the one.” They find someone they connect to and think, “You’re my soul mate. Let’s have sex and let’s get married and be in love forever.” But that isn’t usually how it works.

You have to realize that everybody you come in contact with does not want to have sex with you. And if we’re saying that one should really learn how to have friends that are not sexual, then stop with the sex. Learn how to just be a person to someone else. If you have dear friends, they are the people that make your soul whole.

When is it right for people to pursue sex? I guess whenever they are feeling mutually sexy toward one another. Don’t take it personally if you feel it and he doesn’t. It’s not at all a rejection of you. It may not be what he wants from you. And you can’t be mad at him because he doesn’t want to bone you. If you think that way, then
you are just downgrading yourself. There’s more to you than your sex, and you should act and dress that way.