If I'd Never Known Your Love (21 page)

"It's their way of telling her they love her," David supplied, climbing the steps after them.

Pearl let out another growl.

"Which I'm sure just means that she loves them, too," Julia said.

He sat beside her. "I wonder if she'll miss them."

"Yes," Julia said with absolute conviction. Just as she would miss David, more than she wanted to admit—to him or to herself. But by mutual agreement and understanding, certain things were left unspoken between them.

"It's been a good summer," he said simply.

"For me, too," she said.

"I got up this morning and tried to decide what was important enough to say to you before I leave. I've been going over them all day, but, basically, there's just one that matters." He took her hand."I came here looking for the man I used to be. You helped me see that letting him go is my road to freedom. Thanks to you, for the first time in longer than I can remember I'm looking forward instead of back."

"I hesitate telling you this, but my mother insists we didn't meet by accident this summer. She's convinced some cosmic force brought us together—" She gave him a self-conscious smile. "Are you ready for this?"

He returned her smile. "Lay it on me."

"To heal each other's souls."

"And you don't believe her?"

She was surprised to see that he wasn't teasing her; he really wanted to know. "It's hard for me to listen when she starts in. All my life she's insisted nothing happens by chance and that all I have to do is pay attention and I'll see the hidden meanings in everything from the ordinary to the bizarre. It sounds mean, but I finally reached the point where I just tune her out."

"I don't know about cosmic forces," he said. "But if you think about the series of circumstances it took to bring us together at this time and this place, you have to wonder if there wasn't something going on."

David had never believed in premonitions or signs or omens, either, but he believed in coincidence even less. If there was some mystical force that brought them together, it could have worked a little harder on some of the more important details. Or was loving Julia and knowing she would never love him in return the coin he had to pay for his newfound peace of mind?

"I have a feeling there's another time and place where you'll find the right woman waiting for you, David."

A flash of anger shot through him at the pat sentiment. How could she dismiss his feelings so casually? But then he saw that they weren't just words; she actually believed what she'd said.

She smiled. "Wrong thing to say?"

"Am I so transparent?"

"At times."

"I'll get over you, Julia." He meant it to reassure her, a promise between friends.

"I know." She squeezed his hand.

He glanced at his watch. He'd hired one of the vet assistants to drive him to the airport in Redding because he owned a van big enough to hold two dog carriers and luggage. He was due to arrive in ten minutes."I'd better get going. I want to get the 'kids'

loaded and settled before we take off."

"One more minute," she said. "I have something for you."

She went inside, brought out a package and handed it to him. Seeing how it was wrapped, in discarded manuscript pages that she'd unfolded and taped together, he shot her a questioning look.

"I stole them from your trash," she admitted.

He removed the bow, a pine cone decorated with tufts of Pearl's hair and held in place with fishing line, and then the paper. Inside was an unframed photograph of Julia and Pearl sitting on the top step of the porch, Julia's arm around Pearl, Pearl leaning into her side. Underneath the photograph were three bright red, spiral-bound journals.

David caught his breath at the'stab of emotion in his chest.

"For when the words come back."Julia smiled."I looked at a lot of fancy leather-bound journals when I went into Redding last week, but these seemed more your style."

"They're perfect." He heard the crunching sound of tires on gravel and felt a profound sadness, aware their time together was over. "Thank you, Julia. For everything."

She kissed him. The touch of her lips held none of the promise that could have kept him there. When she broke the kiss and stepped away, he softly told her, "I'm going to miss you."

"Thank you for being my friend, David. I know how hard that's been for you."

"Maybe those Fates of your mother's will arrange for us to meet again one day."

She shook her head. "I think once is all we're allowed."

"I left something for you on the table at the cabin."

She raised her eyebrows in question.

"That wooden box I made. I took out the bad reviews and burned them. The box isn't anything special, but I've carried it around a lot of years and thought you might like it."

David heard a car door slam. "It's time, Julia."

"Not yet. I'll help you get—"

"Now. I don't want to remember you standing on the road, watching me leave."

She nodded, tears filling her eyes."Goodbye, David."

He turned and left, the puppies following without being called. Pearl went to Julia and sat down, one haunch planted on her foot.

"How are we going to get up tomorrow morning, knowing they won't be here?"

Four Years, Three Hundred Sixty-four Days Missing

Tomorrow is an anniversary, Evan. It's not one I ever wanted to celebrate. It will be
five years since you left for Colombia. I dread it. I don't believe it. I feel like
screaming in frustration over all the days that turned into weeks that turned into
months and now years. Why aren't you home when, with the exception of a woman
abducted two months ago, every other American kidnapped before and after you has
been released? What did I do wrong? Why are you still there and not home with me
and Shelly and Jason?

It can't be your fault you 're still not home; it has to be mine. I'm so sorry, Evan.

I don't know what else to do, so I'm starting over. I'm going back to Colombia after
the holidays and I'm going to hire a new negotiator—not because I doubt the people
who have worked so long and hard for us up to now. They've been incredible, giving
everything they had to give and more. But I'm hoping someone new will bring new
ideas and new contacts.

I have to do something.

I won't ever quit, Evan.

I promise.

C H A P T E R 1 4

Julia picked up the smooth branch she'd found on her walk and tossed it into the water. Pearl bounded in after it, her remarkable retrieving skills making Julia wonder if she, too, had a little short-hair pointer in her obviously mixed genetic makeup.

She'd had a sense of unease the past two days, blaming the unseasonable thunderstorm that had moved in and stalled over the mountains, each lightning strike in the dry timber a potential fire disaster. Calls to her mother and Shelly and Jason and then Barbara and her brother, Fred, did nothing to settle the strange feeling that something was going on that needed her attention. Before adding Harold and Mary to her list and worrying them over the unexpected call, she decided she was simply missing David and the pups even more than she'd anticipated.

She'd been determined to stay at least another week after they'd left just to prove she could. It took three days before she accepted that her ability to endure the isolation didn't prove anything and she began packing. She and Pearl would leave in the morning, right after the new caretaker arrived.

Pearl left the lake and stopped to shake before racing to Julia with the stick. She barked and danced in circles, letting Julia know she was ready to go again. With two teens, two kittens and the new, livelier Pearl, theirs would be an interesting household.

Exactly what she needed.

Julia tossed the stick back into the water. But Pearl wasn't interested anymore. She stared toward the house, the fur on her back standing on end. It took more than a minute for Julia to determine what had drawn Pearl's attention—a car headed toward them.

They had company.

Figuring the new caretaker had decided to arrive a day early, Julia started back to the house to meet him. She was surprised to see Harold's green Lexus pull into the driveway, instead. He got out of the car and came toward her.

Her instant smile disappeared when she noticed the look on his face. Her heart in her throat, she demanded,

"What's wrong?"

"Come in the house. I have to talk to you."

No greeting, no how are you?

When Julia didn't move, Harold took her arm and guided her toward the house. Pearl circled them, then ran ahead, issuing a threatening growl. "It's okay, Pearl," Julia said, her voice denying her words.

Harold ignored the threatening dog and hurried Julia inside. Pearl followed, pacing between the living room and the kitchen, warily eyeing Harold.

"Sit down," Harold said.

The words snapped her out of her fog. "Enough of the melodramatics, Harold. Just tell me what's going on."

He took in a deep breath, swiped the hair off his forehead, stammered something she couldn't understand and looked at her as if she were someone to be feared. "Please, sit down."

She did, but only because he'd said it as though it really mattered.

"Evan—" He sat next to her and reached for her hands. "I don't know how to tell you this."

Now she was scared. What could he possibly tell her that was worse than what she already knew?
"Just say it."

"He's coming home."

That didn't make sense. She stood up again. "He's already home."

"I don't know who we buried, but it wasn't Evan." He stopped to take a deep breath."He isn't dead, Julia. I just talked to him a couple of hours ago. He was at the Embassy. They were making arrangements for a flight home." He glanced at his watch."He's probably in the air right now."

The room was spinning. If she didn't hold on to something, she was going to fall. She put her hand out and grabbed a corner of the bookshelf. Damn it, she'd never passed out in her life and she wasn't going to now.

"Are you sure it was him?" How could it be?

Tears spilled from Harold's eyes. "Yes."

"How—"

Harold laughed through the tears and shook his head. "I don't know. All I could get out of
him
was that he walked out of the jungle last night and that he would tell us all about it when he got home."

"Are you absolutely sure?" She could not survive losing him twice.

"It's him, Julia," Harold insisted. "He's alive. And he's coming home."

Evan was coming home.

The hope she'd let die fought for footing in her mind. The pain of so many disappointments refused to yield their hold."I want to talk to him. Why didn't you give him my number?"

"I did. He couldn't reach you."

"I don't understand—" But then she did. She looked at the phone, at the red light blinking on the answering machine. "I wasn't here," she said in a choked whisper. "How did he sound?"

"Happy—ecstatic. He couldn't stop talking about you and the kids. He was like a man diving into a swimming pool after spending a lifetime in the desert."

"Does he know that we thought he was dead?"

"The people at the Embassy told him."

"Does he know we only gave up when.—" She couldn't finish.

"Aww, Julia don't do that to yourself." He gave her a helpless look. "Mary was right...

I was going to have someone from town come out here to find you, but she insisted someone you cared for had to be with you when you found out."

She would have to remember to thank Mary. Again. For so many things.

"She said you'd have a hundred questions and that there was no way you should drive home alone," Harold went on, filling the silence."We tried to reach Barbara, and when we couldn't, I finally managed to convince Mary she could trust me behind the wheel. I got here as fast as I could."

Julia went to the answering machine and, with a trembling finger, pressed Play. When she heard

Evan's voice, she let out a poignant cry of recognition and longing.

"Julia? Are you there?" He paused. "I know I'm a little late, but I thought I'd better call to make sure you got that little black dress. I'll be home soon and we've got some major celebrating to do." Another pause, this one longer. She could hear him struggle to keep from breaking down. His longing and heartache wrenched her soul. "I love you,"

he said softly. "I'm so sorry you had to wait all these years to hear me tell you that again."

The room took off. Her skin tingled. Stars appeared. She reached for something to hang on to again, but this time couldn't find anything. Her legs buckled. And, for the first time in her life, Julia passed out…

Julia came to with Pearl standing over her, growling fiercely, her teeth bared at Harold."It's okay, Pearl." She struggled to a sitting position and grabbed Pearl's collar.

"You're going to have to do something about that dog," Harold said.

"How long was I out?"

"A minute, maybe two. It's a good thing you didn't hit your head or break something, because she wouldn't let me anywhere near you." He put down the blanket he'd taken off the back of the couch to try to subdue Pearl. "Is there someone you could leave her with?"

Julia ignored him and hit the button on the answering machine. She listened to Evan's voice over and over until her mind let her accept that it really was him and that he really was coming home."I want to talk to him. Did he give you a number? Maybe I should just call the Embassy. Surely someone there would know where he is."

Harold took a piece of paper out of his pocket and read her the number. Three phone calls later she learned that Evan was indeed already on a plane and would arrive in San Francisco in five hours— too soon for her to get there to meet him. When she told Harold, he immediately arranged for a private charter to fly Evan the final hundred miles to Sacramento.